The end of "M"?

After my previous post about "M" and the breakup, he contacted me. It was great to hear from him and get clarification about his reasons and thought process.

For the record: there wasn't another woman.

But, hearing from him also made me incredibly sad and then angry. Although I enjoyed his emails, it was frustrating because I wanted more! I wanted to see him, snuggle with him and listen to him talk about his day or tell a funny story about his dog, not read it online while at work. It was almost as if he regretted breaking up with me, but we're still broken up, so obviously he didn't come begging me to take him back.

So, after a few days of this, I just quit emailing him. I was too angry and needed time to process my thoughts. Plus, I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him right now. So, I need to allow him to move on and find someone else.

In the meantime, my bff and I talked a lot about the stuff I learned from "M" and she was initially optimistic that we would eventually reconcile. What I didn't count on was that when I reached the anger phase she took his side! She stuck up for him! That REALLY pissed me off! But, deep down I knew she was right and that he did the right thing, but at that moment, wow I was hurt.

Now the silence is deafening. As much as I know he needs to move on and I'm trying to stay busy picking up the pieces of the Tornado Aftermath that my life has recently become, I feel like I need him more than ever. He was quickly becoming one of my best friends and I really need my friends right now.

But, I know that he has his reasons for staying away and although I don't necessarily agree with him, it's okay. I really can't blame him. Nothing has really changed. The reasons he left are still there, probably more so than they were a few months ago. I'm not making the progress that he probably hoped I would.

I still dream about him pretty frequently. I dream that I run into him at the grocery store and things like that. The other night I dreamt that I found his dog wandering the streets like he had gotten loose and ran off while out for a walk. I called "M" and he then contacted his girlfriend who was taking care of the dog for him. Yes people, even in my dream I'm a realist. Some would say that I'm a pessimist, but I prefer the term "Realistic Optimist."

So, for now this is the last post about "M." I don't see things changing in the short term. I miss him, but I know that his life is probably better without me in it right now. As much as I wholeheartedly agree with the saying "the people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least," I know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself and that I have to accept his decision like it or not.

As much as I wanted to agree with my bff and hope for a future reconciliation, I just can't allow myself to go there. Okay sometimes I dream about it, but the dreams are always a couple of years from now.

The reason I can't is because there was once another guy who cared about me and walked away because he got tired of waiting for me to grow up. When we met I had just gotten out of a long term relationship so all I wanted to do was go out and party and flirt and have fun. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but fell for him anyway. Because we worked together the relationship was very short lived but we became really great friends. I always knew that "A" and I would get back together. It just seemed destined to happen. We stayed in touch over the years and always talked about getting together for a beer or whatever, but we never did. The timing was always off. He would call me and I was dating someone. Months later I would email him and he was dating someone. We went on like this for several years! Then a few years passed without talking. He was going through some stuff so I gave him time and space to deal with what he was going through then I decided to call him. He was surprised to hear from me after all that time and explained that he had gotten married a few months earlier! I was absolutely devastated. My dreams of "A" were shattered. It took me a really long time to get over that. I had so many things I regretted. I regretted all the times I should have called, that I should have been there for him. Had I stepped up and not been afraid then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

As much as I kind of hope that "M" is secretly pining away for me and waiting for me to get my shit together, my sincere hope is that he finds the happiness he deserves. I want that for him more than anything. I want him to be happy and with someone who treats him well and spoils him rotten. As my bff says "he's a GOOD man." He really, really is and I hope that he finds someone who agrees and shows him every day how grateful she is to find him.

Ready or Not??

I just realized that there are only 2 months left of school! Yay! Now, I just have to get there- that's the hard part. So, 8 more weeks of struggling, studying, lack of sleep, no social life.... I can do it, right? I'm just really struggling with fatigue. It's more than just the typical college student exhaustion and has made it clear within the past couple of weeks that I need to get back on my meds. It's obvious that as much as I was hoping I was somehow cured, it was just an anomaly and I still need the drugs. I'm frustrated though since money is tight and I know that it will take several weeks for the levels to build in my system, so I'll be graduated before I see any real benefit most likely.

The other day one of my board members at the non-profit asked me about my plans post-graduation. I honestly had not thought about it- it seemed so far off still and yet, it's really not. So I decided then that I'd stick with them until March. Our current planning sessions with the city should wrap in March. That would be a good time to bring in someone new I think. I'm kind of ready to be done with the administrative thing. It's just not my strong suit and it has been a struggle. I want to still contribute to the organization, but would rather donate my time to a single committee rather than oversee all of them!

As for my Marketing job, I'm hopeful that I will be able to stick with them through the new year, but I know that the graduating during a recession is not the greatest idea ever. So, I'm trying to be realistic about the realities of the situation. Thankfully Wichita has been somewhat sheltered from the financial turmoil due to the aircraft industry boom, but that can only last so long.

There are so many things I want to do after December and so many things that I need to think about between now and then! I just realized that I need to plan a graduation party for myself, starting with a venue. That should be challenging considering it is in the midst of the holiday season!

Things with "M" are still going great. It's difficult to realize that it's only been 3 weeks when it seems like 3 months! I feel very lucky to have met him, although I know that luck is a small part of it. I know that I've paid my dues to get where I am today and that all of that was necessary to get here and in order to appreciate the great guy that he is. I just wish I had more time to spend with him and the resources to spoil him like he spoils me. At the moment all I can offer in the way of dinner is Ramen noodles or PB&J. So, I took him to the airport and picked him up when he got back the other night.

Today I heard again from "V." He again wanted to see me totally last minute. How was I ever okay with this? So, I just reminded him that I'm seeing someone. He was nice and wished me luck. Even if I hadn't met "M" I was so tired of V's habit of blowing me off at the last minute.

I'm glad that this weekend is Fall Break. I'm Ready!! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go out to the farm and see the family. I'm sure my nephew is getting sooo big! He was born August 4th and I haven't seen him since my Birthday in late August. I thought about asking "M" to tag along, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't want it to be a big deal, but try as I might, it's gonna be a big deal to my family to meet him. They haven't met anyone in about 15 years so, yeah, it's big. My sister convinced me to wait until the holidays though. She is much more knowledgeable about these things and helped me realize that trying to make it not a "thing" won't work.

Funnily enough, as I was contemplating this, "M" mentions that his mom is coming to town in a few weeks and that I may get to meet her. I wish I could say that I'm excited but I'm actually more curious to meet her and fill in the blanks of the stories that I've heard so far.

Finally, "M" is a bit jealous that his dog and I have taken such a liking to each other. I'm not sure he understands how ironic this is. I'm sooo not a dog person! They are big, loud, smelly, like to lick and eat gross things and slobber everywhere. But, I will say that his dog is a lot of fun. It's fun to play ball with him (when it's not covered in slime) and snuggle with him except when he hogs the bed and tries to wedge in between "M" and I. "M" is worried that the dog is becoming more mine than his and has threatened to get another dog! Great. Just what I wanted [can you sense the sarcasm?]! My theory is that the dog is just excited that there is a new person around who gives him attention. I think that it will wear off with time. Especially if it ever becomes apparent to him that I am a "cat" person!

It's like my plan to get to know the dog has backfired on me! I knew that "M" and the dog were a package deal, kind of like me and my cats. So, I made a point to befriend the dog. Now it bites me in the ass because the dog likes me more! LOL. Sooo not how I saw that one being played out.

Slowly I'm Learning

The past 3 years have been about more than getting a traditional education, I've also grown up a lot and learned a great deal about myself. It's been a rather painful process, but one that I realize was highly necessary and long overdue.

In a recent post I mentioned that I realize how I've sold myself short over the years. I've accepted mere crumbs in relationships and did everything in my power to sustain something that was barely a relationship to begin with. It's really sad and embarrassing to realize how often I did this and think back on the guys that I thought were worth my time and attention who really were not.

This has been further emphasized to me in the past week while spending time with "M." Yes, I am still seeing him and things are going very well.

One evening I stopped by after a night class and he was sweaty from walking the dog. I offered to hang around while he took a shower. Before he left me, he asked if I needed a drink or anything. I shook my head "no" and explained that I was fine. He then looked at me and said "you aren't used to being treated like this are you?" It's so sad, but no I'm not and I told him as much.

This past weekend we spent most of the time together. He really spoiled me! Cooked me dinner, made me breakfast, it was really nice! It makes me happy that he cares enough to do these things, but makes me sad that I've never had this experience before now.

He's really raised the bar for me to attempt to spoil him in return. I'm excited to try though. He really deserves it. Not just for all that he does for me, but because he is such a great guy in many other ways too. I can tell that in a lot of ways he's not used to being spoiled either. Friday night he fell asleep while we watched TV, so I picked up our dinner dishes and took the dog outside. When I finally woke him up, he was surprised that I had done all of that.

Each day I look forward to seeing him or at least speaking to him. I'm curious about his day and miss him when I don't get to see him. It's only been a couple of weeks but seems a lot longer (but in a good way).

When my best friend first started dating her husband, I would make fun of them for "needing" to talk every day and being so lovey dovey when they were around each other. I just didn't get why they needed to do all of that and what on earth they had to say to each other every day. Now, I'm there. I get it.

~~

Things at work are going well. I'm just still frustrated at trying to find time to do it all. Last week was nuts with 3 tests to prepare for and a paper due. This week is much more manageable. And next week is 2 tests and Fall Break! Already?? Wow!

~~

Now for some Art! I really dig this blog ! I'm not really their target demographic, but the stuff they post never ceases to amaze. Here is a link to an artist who sketches on sidewalks using chalk. Absolutely brilliant!

Can't I just be done already???

Okay, my patience is wearing thin. I'm sooo done with school! I'm done! I've struggled and studied and sacrificed for this seemingly unattainable goal for 3 years now and it's getting really old!

Today I had a meeting with a bunch of city officials for work on our non-profit initiative. We were discussing the best dates/times for future meetings and I was the lone dissenting voice in the majority of dates/times. It was frustrating because most of the suggested times conflict with my class schedule. Granted it's only a day or two a month, but still... I was already skipping class today to make the meeting. Grrr.

Then, with my other job I just don't have time to devote to my assigned tasks and other things that I feel that the job requires. I constantly feel guilty about it and it just stresses me out.

And of course, because I had resigned myself to the idea that I didn't have time to date anyone, I meet the first guy in a very long time who is worth trying to rearrange my schedule for. But, there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes you really just have to do laundry and stay home and study when you'd much rather be snuggling with someone else. It really sucks!

So, what it all boils down to is this: school isn't fitting into my life anymore! I've outgrown it! But, it really is necessary and so I have to suffer a little while longer. Dammit! Gotta just grit my teeth and keep on keepin' on, but I'm going on record that I'm seriously pissed off about it.

~~~

Speaking of dating, yes I'm still spending a lot of time with "M." It just blows me away how awesome this has been so far. I keep trying to remind myself that life is a marathon and not a sprint (mostly in order to make myself feel better over my crazy schedule and conflicting priorities), and only time will tell if this thing has staying power, but so far things look really good. We click really well as friends and just enjoy spending time together. We can sit on the porch and discuss our day and not get bored or feel we need to be "doing something."

Right now I just feel really blessed to have met someone that I click with so well. I'm proud that I've finally attracted a "nice" guy and that I'm likewise equally attracted to him. I don't have to do the dog and pony show to get him to like me, he already does and I don't have to dwell on what his mixed signals mean because he just TELLS me how he feels and what he's thinking! Ahhh, so refreshing! Each day that I get to spend with him is awesome, so I'm just enjoying the journey and looking forward with a smile.

The Agony of Attraction...

Last night I met the coolest, nicest guy I've met in a very long time. We met on one of the "casual" meetup sites and were looking forward to meeting. It was agreed that if any connection was made that it would remain a casual thing.

Wouldn't you know, I'm totally falling for him! Thankfully he's kind of digging me too, but we're both unsure of whether/how to proceed. This wasn't supposed to happen. We weren't supposed to click in a way that we start making other plans and talking about relationships and how we handle conflict.

It's still very early and I barely know him, but in a way, I feel I know what I need to. He's laid it all out there and I want to try this and see what happens. He told me that the only way it would end is if I screw it up! No pressure there, huh? I laughed and thanked him for already jinxing things. But, really, that's my biggest fear- that I'll screw up, that I already have.

He jokingly told me that I was no longer allowed to see other people. I'm just confused by the mixed signals. This was supposed to be simple and easy and even though I feel like I've known him forever, I'm hating how the feelings have suddenly complicated things.

A good guy friend once told me "it will happen when you least expect it." I get that now. I really didn't see this coming. It's good but it's not. I'm just scared. I've been wrong so many times before that it's hard to not doubt my own judgement.

Why???

Moonlight Magic...

This week has been really bizarre so far. I've been out on the town a lot and seem to be bumping into potential suitors a lot more. Coincidence? Perhaps, but it's been fun regardless.

Monday night, I met a friend for a glass of wine so we could de-stress and enjoy the beautiful weather. I ran into "J" who was also there for dinner. It was nice to see him again and he seemed as surprised as I was to run into each other. And he gave me a hug! =)

Tuesday night I went out for a late dinner and a couple of beers after a work meeting. Just as my friend and I were preparing to leave, a guy (we'll refer to as "T") approached our table. I was tired and feeling rather anti-social. I just wanted to go home and crash by this point, but the guy was persistent. At first I wasn't sure what his motive was, so I came across as skeptical and jaded. Eventually though he mentioned "dinner" and then asked for my number. He's quite a bit younger, but he's cute and since guys never ask me out, why not? So, we'll see if he calls. He said he was going out of town for business and could be gone for a few weeks, so this will proceed slowly if at all. In a way I'm hoping he does call so I can redeem myself and get to know him better. He did seem kind of cool, but I'm not exactly holding my breath. Considering the circumstances, it's iffy I think.

Then tonight I was on a site for people looking for a "casual" relationship. This is where I've met most of the guys I've been involved with lately. Since I don't have time to date really, I felt that this was probably a decent way to meet someone to spend time with casually. Well, I was mistaken! The drama, games, and all around bull-shit is in full force here as much as it is anywhere else! Oh, and like 90 % of the guys on there are married... Really makes a girl question whether to ever trust a commitment.

Anyway, tonight I received an email from a married guy that I'll call "W." I'm kind of freaked out because I know him! We used to work together a few years ago and had definite sparks flying between us, but I didn't go there because he was married. And, because work. So... here he is, confirming what I suspected all those years ago about the state of his marriage. He didn't know that I'm "me" because I don't post my picture on there. But, I did email him back and included my picture. So, we'll see what he has to say. Maybe he doesn't remember me?

Regardless, it's kind of a precarious position because he and I have definite sparks. Things would have happened between us back then if I had allowed them to. I feel even more like I'm diving off a cliff than I did when I met "P."

School is fixing to become insane, so my posts will probably become more infrequent in coming weeks. My parents were really worried about me since they haven't seen or heard from me in awhile.

Figures... just as my love life sort of starts to look promising, I don't have time to date. =)

Ghosts of Relationships past

I've been thinking a lot lately about "K." He's a guy I knew many years ago that I really liked. It was weird because he liked me too, but he never asked me out. We had an odd sort of relationship that never really made sense and he broke my heart over and over again, but his irresistible charm kept drawing me back hoping for a better outcome the next time around. He even won over my sister one night! She was all prepared to tell him off for how he had treated me, but even she was a big fan after talking to him!

A decade later, there are still so many unanswered questions there. I wonder where I/we went wrong? Why did he call me to talk for hours at a time and never work up the nerve to ask what I wanted him to, namely "would you go out with me?" And why did he always call me at 2 am and want to see me when he was drunk and horny instead? I get the 2 am part, but it's the afternoon chats that still boggle the mind.

Anyway, "K" is one of those really rare guys. He was so multi-faceted which I loved and he even came and helped me out when my car broke down one night. You could tell that he was a great guy, and we had a weird way of hugging each other where we just wrapped around each other like a caduceus symbol. I'm a huge fan of verbal sparring and laughter as foreplay, and we were masters at it!

I know that I'm probably a lot to blame for how things ended up. He came along during the fallout of the relationship with the guy I almost married. It took a lot for me to leave him and I just wanted to be free for awhile. I went out and partied way more than I should have during that time. I think "K" was looking to settle down, and I was looking for the next party.

At that time I thought I wanted a guy with a status job, but I now realize that it's not what the person does for a living, but how they spend the rest of their time and the type of person he is. "K" was like that. He worked a blue-collar job, but he had a lot of other interests that made him so much more than a "tool belt" as my friends referred to him. So, maybe it was a matter of timing, but it makes me sad that this great guy slipped through my fingers!

Part of me wants to call him and ask him to explain to me where I went wrong. I realize that the past 10 years I've repeated this pattern over and over again. The only difference being that most of the guys in between have not been as nice as he was. They are not the type of guy to come help me get my car started on a cold December night.

Again, it boils down to the fact that I keep settling for crumbs and hope for more. I keep chasing guys who don't even like me and doing the song and dance to try and change their minds. "K" was one of the few guys who first pursued me.

At that memorable Christmas party, I realized how much he had been taking notes during our conversations in passing while at work. And when he asked me to dance, I didn't have to worry about trying to two-step, I just floated across the dance floor. And we laughed. "K" was always game for a good laugh. That night just seemed to be the beginning of something really good. And yet, somewhere a long the way everything fell flat.

I can't help thinking that somehow he holds the key to why all my relationships go wrong. I know that a lot of it is the residual fallout of the guy before him, but "K" was the only decent prospect in a continuous stream of really bad choices. They've gotten a lot worse as the years have gone on. He was probably one of the few really smart choices I've made, and yet, I feel like I blew it!

I really want to call him! I want to know how he's doing, what he's up to. Is he married? Children? I know he'd make a wonderful husband and father. I don't want to interfere in his life or cause trouble, but I just want to check in on him. I have no expectations that we will meet and fall for each other again. So many years have passed and I'm sure we are different people now. But, I can't help but be curious, plus I really would like answers to where I went wrong. Are my suspicions about my part in it correct?

~~~

Rereading this I wonder if some relationships consist of just one perfect moment. I dated a guy a few years ago and we had the most awesome first date! It was fun and romantic, but the rest of the relationship paled in comparison. We never really topped that first night.

Was my relationship with "K" the same? Were we always trying to recreate the magic of that Christmas party and inevitably falling short? Hmmm.

What's Beautiful?

Sorry, this blog is in dire need of some artistic inspiration! I've been so preoccupied with my man dramas and life crisises that I've been holding out on my loyal readership! All one of you- if you are still reading.

How do you define beautiful? This came up tonight in a meeting to discuss revitalizing our downtown neighborhood. How do we determine what is acceptable? How do we convince business owners to clean up their property? Do we make money available to them to help in this task? Do we set standards for frontage, signage, etc. and force landowners to comply? And, how do we define all of this? Do we want to go for sterile, cookie-cutter or is some eclecticism okay? I got into a debate with a board member one day about this. One of the businesses across the street from his has a hand painted building. It has a wild mural on the side and is brightly painted to draw attention and decorate the rather plain brick building. The board member finds this absolutely distasteful whereas I find it cool, fun and charming. I think it adds a unique element to the neighborhood. Where their building doesn't have cool architectural detail, they've added their own, through paint!

My approach to all things aesthetic is the same way. I like offbeat, quirky, unique things. Most of the men I've found attractive weren't conventionally handsome either. Most have some outstanding, quirky feature, whether it's a big nose, Dumbo ears, etc. Many times, I failed to notice these "flaws" until someone else "kindly" pointed them out to me.

That's what I like about things in nature, such as the flowers pictured above. From a distance, they all look the same, but up close, the little idiosyncrasies reveal themselves.

~~~

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Final Friday next week- seriously, where did August go? I have a couple of friends who are having shows and I've missed doing the Crawl for a couple of months. Hopefully the weather will cooperate.


Here are links to local artists that I have seen recently. http://leeshiney.com/ and http://stephanielondon.com/.

The above photographs were found on 37 Signals' website. I found them absolutely beautiful! They are pictures of Orchid Mantis plants.

~~~

It's one week until my Birthday. I've been so busy, that I've nearly forgotten! I need to make a plan to celebrate with friends and sit down and do my "year in review" that I perform every year. Rather than be like everyone else and do the navel gazing and existential thinking on New Year's Day (usually too hungover), I prefer to do it on my Birthday. It seems more natural to ponder the past year and tally achievements and set goals for the coming year at that time.

With school starting in a couple of days though, I've just been too busy! I've had to scrap the whole "Sweet 16 Part deux" idea since I don't have time to clean or do laundry let alone host a party! But, I was reminded that 37 is the first irregular prime number while watching tv over the weekend, so... maybe I should wait and throw myself a big bash next year. That could be fun.

Talking to "V" has made me realize how out of balance my life has become once again. I haven't had time to even think about dating, let alone anything fun for a while now. As I look at my schedule once school starts and think about how I'm going to work work in around school, there is little time left for fun or even studying! But, it's just a few more months. Sigh...

It's gonna be worth it in the end, right? I kind of feel like the guy from that commercial "Time to make the donuts..."

The Great Conundrum...

What to do, what to do... I keep getting leads on jobs that will require me to relocate overseas. This excites me to no end! It reminds me of the Dr Seuss book "Oh the places you'll go!" Anyway, after the initial excitement wears off, then reality sets in...

My mind start spinning with the endless track of questions and arguments: Will I get homesick? Will it totally suck being so far from family and friends? Especially when multiple time zones are involved? Lord knows I'm not the most independent person, so this really is a major consideration. And then there is the job situation I have here. I'm so excited to see the end results of the non-profit I work for. I want to see what happens and be there to help it along and celebrate the successes, but this isn't as possible if I'm not living here! And then, my internship is with an awesome company! I'm kind of overwhelmed at how they've just thrown me the baton to run with it so quickly- no making copies and coffee with this company, and I'd love to see what happens with that option as well.... Arrggh!

And then, what about my love life? My latest crush is kinda showing interest in me too- what happens then? He's an AWESOME guy as far as I can tell so far and I really want to learn more, but how if I'm preparing to move to far far away?

Finally, what about my cats? Do pets get passports? Are they quarantined? How does that all work? I'd really miss my girls- especially if I have to leave everyone else...

~~~

I heard from the married guy- okay to clarify we will refer to him as "P" from now on. He IM'd me last week just to "check in." Which in guy speak means he's checking to see if I'm still available/interested. He was preparing to leave on a biz trip again and wanted to see if I'd be available to chat. As much as I enjoy chatting though, I want more! It just makes me sad that he is content with things as they are. There is potential for sooo much more and yet, he hesitates. I want to tell him to save all the flirting for the one woman who should be getting it- his wife, but I don't. I wish I could tell him to leave me alone until he makes up his mind and leaves his wife, but I don't. As I've done so many times in the past, I take the crumbs that I'm thrown and try to placate myself with what little I get. I don't think this will last much longer...

Anyway, "P" is trying to talk me out of the latest overseas opportunity that has come up. He keeps pointing out all the negatives- it's an Arab country, so in a way, he's helping me be realistic at what all I will have to contend there as far as the cultural differences, but still. It's an awesome opportunity I think. I'll know more next week after I visit with my contact who has been consulting with the principles of the venture.

Funnily enough the other married guy- the one who offered me money to pay my bills has been MIA. I think he finally got the hint. Not that I miss him or anything.

I've recently started talking to another married man (yes, even I agree that this is ridiculous) who lives in another state. He's pretty cool and cracks me up. We will call him "S." Again unhappily married, but I get the impression that he lives a pretty sheltered life. Very small town in attitude and ideas. Not that that's a bad thing, but it kind of clashes with my worldly view.

~~~

I did some number crunching today and it appears that I should be able to graduate in December! Yay!! That is if I can scrape the money together in the next 10 days to pay tuition that I owe. I was really excited to figure that out... I was getting depressed that I would have to go another semester and wait until May.

~~~

I became an aunt again this week! My nephew was born on Monday evening. I got to go visit him yesterday before he was dismissed. As much as I think he's adorable and I can't wait to spoil him and his older sisters, he helps confirm my suspicions that I really can't deal with having kids of my own. I just don't think I have the patience, the mettle, or the stamina to deal with all of that 24/7. Kinda like going to the farm- nice place to visit, but really don't wanna live there!

~~~

Well, my procrastination from studying and work has lasted long enough! I don't think that "S" is gonna call tonight after all. What an ass! It's his turn to call me and I'm hating that my TM minutes are depleting rapidly....

If my ideal man exists, this is what he'd look like

Another blogger has tried this, and I decided to give it a whirl myself. The following "wish list" for my ideal man was written on January 20, 2002 in my diary. Not much about the list has changed- but there are a couple of things that I would add today (noted at the end of the post). Sooo, dear friends, if you know of someone who roughly fits this description, please send him my way!

~~~

My ideal man: taller than me, funny, smart, witty, fun to be with, kind, optimistic yet realistic, successful or at least well on his way to being that way. Well-read, yet preferably not a sci-fi fan, or more Grisham than King. Someone who loves sports, movies and music, but whose life does not revolve around them. Someone who loves life and the wonderful things and people in it. Someone who has respect for a higher power and women as well. Someone who can be a guy with the guys and a gentleman the rest of the time. A great conversationalist and a great listener. Someone with soulful eyes with a wicked glint and a smile that lights up a room. Someone who likes to make the scene but loves to spend the weekend vegging in bed as well, maybe even more. Someone who is driven to succeed as well as to learn and who also supports me in things that are important to me. Someone who is athletic and who cares about his body, but not too much. A man who worships me (though not blindly) and adores my goofiness and loves me flaws and all. Someone who loves to laugh- a lot!

Someone who loves his family and who wants a family of his own. Someone who wants to be an equal partner in a relationship, who understands that relationships take work every day and someone who is committed to making it work rather than just walk away. Someone who is strong and capable of handling "man things" but is man enough to admit when he doesn't know something and asks for help.

Someone who is unselfish in bed and willing to experiment and keep things fun. Someone to whom work is not life and who wants to be a good dad. A man who is not afraid of emotion, his or anyone else's, is not afraid to say he's sorry, but isn't a spineless blubbery wimp either. Someone who drinks in moderation and does not smoke.

Someone who is very neat and loves a clean house but is not afraid to clean it! A man who understands that sometimes I just want to be alone and do my own thing and other times I just want to be held. Someone who appreciates that I am picky and is flattered to have met my standards and who is willing to rise up to them. Someone who calls me on the carpet when I get too bossy or demanding.

To this list I will also add: someone who doesn't do drugs, is honest, well-groomed and clean. And someone who is generous with his time, money, attention and affection and someone willing to share and who plays well with others.

Loving the Single Life (well, most of the time)

I really like being single. I think that's a lot of the reason I've managed to dodge the "marriage bullet" all this time. Maybe a lot of it is fear too. I fear that marriage will lead to a loss of freedom, a loss of self, the realization of a grievous error in judgement and ending up more miserable than I already am at times.

That said, there are only a few occasions when being single, well, kinda sucks! Like holidays. Family reunions and times when you are around only married people who also have kids (Hey wanna see pics of my cats? ). It also sucks at times when you are the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel- basically odd woman (or man) out. Most people are cool with this, but there are the occasional "don't you dare acknowledge my husband, Bitch!" chicks. And then, there are the things that you want to do that you can't/won't do alone and that your friends just don't want to do. Guy oriented stuff. Stuff that even a gay guy friend probably wouldn't enjoy either. Stuff like hang out at the local dive bar and drink cheap beer and shoot pool or cheer on the local team at the ballpark.

Having guys visit my house recently really reinforced how much I love to be single and how difficult it will be for me to adjust to being "coupled" if I ever meet the right person to couple up with. There's the stereotypical toilet seat thing and then having to share space when I'm used to sprawling across my bed. And then there's the whole, cleaning up after them thing. Since when am I their mother? I know it's my house, but isn't it polite to ask where the empty beer bottles go? Or offer to help clean up? Seriously guys!

So anyway, I'm totally bummed because I really want to go see a live band play, but the bar is kinda scary and I probably won't know anyone there, so I don't feel comfortable going alone. It really sucks! I'm hating it that the 23 year old guy lives so far away. He'd be a perfect candidate for this task! But, alas, it won't work to invite him... Dang it!

~~~
Today I talked to my family again about having my parents pick out a guy for me to date. I'm really thinking about this. I have such a horrible track record in attracting guys that I think this is a really viable option. Although I they have different criteria for choosing a guy (high on my mom's list: the guy must be Catholic and lack tattoos or piercings). None of these things are on my list, except maybe that I'd prefer he wasn't Catholic and prefer that he have tattoos and piercings.

I still stick to my assertion though that I'd like to meet a guy like my brother but a lot less "country." I met a really nice farmer Friday night (a guy a lot like my brother). He's single, cute, a great dancer and overall nice guy. But... he's a farmer and lives in a tiny town about an hour away. He reminded me a lot of a cowboy that I dated many moons ago, but I just can't go there... Not yet anyway.

Inspiration found in the most unlikely places...

I was on Facebook earlier checking out messages from friends when I stumbled upon a sticker that was really profound!

It said "Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option." WOW! I need to like cross-stitch that onto a pillow! Lol. I found the above cartoon just for laughs- really, haven't we all dated that guy? (or that girl, for that matter)

Anyway, it really made me think of all the times, past and present when I've made a guy a priority while he only saw me as an option. I meet a guy, I really really like him and jump through hoops to get him to like me too. I ignore all the guys who probably care, really like me and wish I would go out with them, all for some moron who is more in love with his own reflection or with the "ideal girl" he pictures in his dreams than with me!

Last night I spent some time with a guy I met a few months ago. At one point I thought he was a great guy who possessed a lot of the qualities I think I'm looking for. In the past few weeks though, I've realized how "off" my initial impression of him was! As if that wasn't enough, we fight like cats and dogs and yet, we still keep talking to each other. I haven't missed the drama and all the baggage he brings to the table, but last night I didn't care. I just wanted to feel, not think and touch, not talk. I know better now than to expect anything more from him but it was nice to know that he could be there when I needed him, at least once in awhile.

Earlier last night I was talking to a friend's mom. She was teasing me and said that my "picker outer is broken." This woman is truly prophetic, because she doesn't know me well, but really nailed it on the head with that comment!

~~~
Also today I stumbled upon an interesting post on mentalfloss that discusses the possible like between birth control use in women and the bad choices in men, specifically regarding infertility and even possibly divorce rates. It all has to do with pheromones and sense of smell. Very interesting idea and worth checking out.

The one thing that they don't address though is whether a good mate based on biology is also a good mate based on psychology? Can sense of smell lead you to the guy who is the best match for your personality quirks and future life goals? Have we all been screwing it up by wearing perfume/cologne/scented lotions, etc. and gasp! taking birth control and altering how biology is supposed to work? I didn't check, but somehow I suspect that a "pro-life" group was behind the study... lol

Finally!

Sorry, it's been a few days since I've had a chance to post something new. I have been busy preparing for an exam and then had company from out of town. Now, I'm trying to dive back into my life after the past couple of hectic days.

I've come to a realization the past few days though. I'm finally getting my groove back. Yeah, like "Stella" in that movie. No, I didn't just go through a harrowing divorce and find a boy toy in Jamaica, but I survived 5 years of illness that threw my life out of whack and met a boy toy from another city. lol.

I'm finally feeling like I'm back to where I was before I got sick. I don't feel like the cloud of illness is obscuring the sunny parts of my life and making me afraid to play for fear of the game being called due to rain. The sky is one giant rainbow for me right now! I wonder if I can find the pot of gold? Hmmm.

As for the "boy toy" it's really strange. He's like me. It's making me question exactly how immature I am if I can relate to someone who is 12 years younger as well as I can him. But, rather than try to intellectualize this, I'm just enjoying having fun and going with the moment. My family and friends thought I was absolutely insane to invite this guy to come stay at my house, when all I knew was from talking online. But, I've done similar things back in the day- I'm just a risk-taker I guess. Anyway, I trusted my judgement and everything was fine. As for what he sees in me- the old lady? For one thing, I look closer to his age than my own. Being a college student and single means that I live more like a typical college kid rather than someone my own age. So... it works! Plus he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and he's absolutely adorable! What's not to love? See, it is like Stella!

The thing that really stinks is that he lives 3 hours away. Not exactly conducive to relationship/friendship development. I mean with $4 gas, school, and both of us working 2 jobs. What the hell? But, why not? There's always IM'ing and TM'ing. I just need to get a webcam and mic so he doesn't forget what I look like! lol.

The "boy toy" had never visited my city, so I was excited to be the local ambassador and tour guide to the cool things we have here. It was fun to see the city through new eyes and show off the things that I think make this place great. He really enjoyed the visit and I think he'll come back since there is so much more to see and do here.

And, because of him I tried something new too! I took him to a restaurant for Sushi. I've always wanted to try it, but wanted to be with someone who could guide me in what's good. It was awesome! Will definitely be returning for that!

Yesterday I had a couple of work meetings that reinforced why I love my job. Yes, I was really frustrated last week with how annoying the administrative part can be, but overall- what a great place to be! It was just what I needed to make me love what I do again and feel really good about where I am at career-wise and in my life in general.

School Schmule... flirting is waaay more fun!

I finally recovered from partying Thursday night. It's been a weird weekend. My FWB has officially unfriended me. I think it's kind of funny because I have no idea what I said or did to send him over the edge. I just told him I'm tired of fighting all the time. Really, it was getting old and his drama? No thanks...

Anyway, while researching an internet start up idea that the married guy suggested, I met a cutie from KC! We've been chatting a lot the last couple of days and he's coming to visit me next week! This morning I had a moment of panic wondering if that was smart... I don't know this guy and he's coming to stay at my house? I always trust my gut though and I think it's cool.

He's just sweet, funny and adorable as hell! And he really digs me too! Bonus!! So, now I'm wondering what my friends and family will think. He's sooo young! Okay, I'm not a pedophile, he's at least of age, but still- I'm venturing into Demi and Ashton territory here.

Which raises the question- how old do you have to be to become a cougar? Is it over 40? Or is it more a matter of the age difference between you? If that's the case, I've probably joined the club. If I have to be over 40, I'm okay.

So, spending all this time flirting has prevented me from studying. I sooo need to study too. I have a test next week and things are not going well. I'm really struggling. Since this is my most hated subject, it's way too easy to think of other things to do like scrub the shower, clean the litter box, vacuum out my car... yeah maybe I need to go to the library!

To continue my new trend of passing along cool stuff I've found on the web, I want to share a picture of an art technique called "reverse graffiti." The images are sandblasted into the sides of buildings, rail cars and other public surfaces that are covered with the grime and soot of urban living. The artist's name is moose. You can find a profile of Moose and his art at http://.reversegraffitiproject.com.

I just don't get it...

Okay, I feel the need to rant. Please forgive me but I'm hungover and didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm kinda cranky!

But, this is something that has bugged me since I dumped the guy I thought I'd marry, circa 1997! I don't get what guys look for in a girl to settle down with! I'm not your typical chick, which I always thought would be to my advantage, but now... I'm thinking that I need a personality transplant!

I like sports, beer, cigars, hate feeling tied down in a relationship. I like to have separate friends and interests than my beloved and don't feel the need to spend every waking moment together. I like sex (a lot) and know what I like and how to ask for it (or get it on my own!). I'm cool with my man hanging with his buds, even if they go to a strip club as long as it's not an every day thing. What's not to love? And yet... I'm just seen as a friend or a playmate and not girlfriend material or more. I'm frequently accused of being a heart breaker or a player. Is this how I come across? Is my light hearted attitude toward relationships perceived as being less than sincere?

I'm not the kind of girl who "needs" to have a boyfriend. My self-worth is not measured by who I am dating. I do not ditch my friends for whatever the flavor of the week is. I hate how girls have their little "cliques" and don't get the whole go together to pee thing, and still I'm not datable?

I will be honest and say that I am a big time flirt. Maybe that's where a lot of this comes from. Maybe I appear to always be looking for the next fun thing, but it's rarely the truth.

I'm still trying to figure out what happened with the married guy. What I did or said that caused him to leave a silhouette shape in my door from running away so fast. Update: he is somewhat communicating again. Baby steps... And still, I wonder if he's too conservative for me. I at least want to get to know him better though and have the chance to find out.

Hopefully I can figure out where I'm going wrong before I become the dating pariah in the nursing home!

He brought beer- whatta guy!

Okay, so I FINALLY met the married guy today. He made it back to Doodah in time to take me to lunch. Again, only the married ones think enough of me to take me to lunch. I can count on one hand the number of lunch dates I have had: 1!

So, I was really, really nervous! But, he's really handsome! He looks his age, but he's nice. A good height for me, nice eyes and a sweet smile.

Last night after his flight was canceled, my former FWB IM'd me and asked me to come over. Since I was still unsure how things were going to go with the married guy, I decided to go ahead. Plus all the flirty emails has left me rather randy w/out an appropriate outlet! Hooking up with him again was a lot of fun! Wow... it's amazing what a little competition will do for a guy!

So, after lunch, He decided that he would stop by my place after work. He brought beer- lots of beer and we just hung out. It was kind of awkward inviting him into my personal space. I haven't had a guy over in like ever... But it was nice to hang out and snuggle and get to know each other better. I'll spare you any other details, but suffice it to say that I anticipate that we will continue to see each other. Besides, He brought so much beer I'll feel bad if he doesn't come back to drink more.

We are trying to take things slow and really evaluate what we are doing. He is just as unsure of this as I am. Late this afternoon he sent me an email freaking out about my frank discussions of other lovers, etc. I think he is worried that I won't be satisfied with just Him in my life. But, he doesn't get that until I can have him 100% then I shouldn't be required to give him 100% either. It's only fair. I'll just keep my extracurricular activities to myself from now on.

Yes, I am more experienced than he is in a lot of ways, but I think that it's a good thing. Unlike him, I've gotten all of this out of my system so that when I do meet the guy I want to settle down with, I'll be content with him for the rest of my life fulling knowing that I've been there and done all that I cared to do while single. He is just conservative and has a more traditional view of sex and sexuality. After we discussed things a bit, we came to an understanding. He and I want very similar things, it's just that we've taken two completely different paths to get there.

Before he left, it was nice to just snuggle and talk. We fit together really well. It was hard to let him go though! I really wanted him to stay, to fall asleep laying as we were and wake up like that later too. But, another day.

Well, the intense focus of this relationship has left my other "friends" feeling neglected. My phone friend is all jealous (but I made up for it the other night) and then my former FWB too. Had they shown more interest in me 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't be in this mess now!

Today I was approached by one of our board members regarding working at her firm. I really hope that we can work something out! I got paid today and the check was gone long before I got the actual cash. And it didn't even fully cover the bills I need to pay! Now what?

Happy Friday!

I'm glad that the weekend is finally here. It means that Monday is getting closer! I've got butterflies already just thinking about meeting the married guy! Sad, so sad...

Well, two of my friends are adamantly opposed to the idea of me getting involved. They are correct- I deserve better, he's an ass for doing this to his wife and kids, he needs to man up and accept his situation as it is or get out, etc.

I know all of these things are correct. I know I should walk away, but what if I'm walking away from "the guy?" I just can't walk away yet- I need to check him out first and see if there really is something tangible there. I'm not talking about sex, but about the "feeling" you get for someone that is indescribable. It's either there or it's not, and well, I just gotta know for sure first. I'm sure I will read this post a few months from now and cry over how stupid and naive I have been. But right now, I just can't help myself!

So far I'm really attracted to him! he's smart, sexy, funny as hell, successful, sweet, thoughtful, ornery, flirty, and says he's absolutely smitten with me too! It totally brightens my day when I get an email or TM from him. I want to get him a cupcake for Monday as a belated "Birthday" celebration. I NEVER do that for guys! But, I want to for him...

What the hell am I going to do?

It's Hot Outside!

Today once again, I struggled staying focused on work and not on other inconsequential things. I'm not sure why I can't seem to stay on track. I guess a lot of it is because of my financial concerns at the moment. I'm feeling MUCH better physically, but still unsure of how a 2nd job will fit in with school and my primary job (which I absolutely love!).

I'm creating quite a mess on the dating front. I've been talking to four different guys online, and am now down to three. One guy is a total sex addict and a bit wild in his tastes. I enjoy talking to him however and he does crack me up. Plus, a few walks on the wild side are always fun, at least for awhile! =) So... he called me last night all jealous because I have been unavailable the past couple of times he has called. Since I am honest about talking to others, he was afraid that he was being replaced. Hardly- just bad timing. We're hoping to eventually meet in person, but we are having trouble getting our schedules to mesh.

Besides the married guy I mentioned in my last post, I'm also emailing another married guy who is older. He is really conservative and just looking for a little fun and excitement in his otherwise plain vanilla life. He was pretty up front about this from the beginning and so I've told him that our relationship will never go beyond a friendship. I have yet to meet him in person, and really have little desire to beyond a slight curiosity. I'm content to just exchange long emails outlining our day and our thoughts on life. The one problem here is that he definitely wants more of a role in my life. He wants to be more than an email pen pal. He is jealous that I talk to other guys because he wants me all to himself. I disagree though. It's not fair to me (or his wife or kids) to take this further than it's current state.

Today I talked more to the "other" married guy. His emails and text messages are the bright spot in my day and he continues to crack me up and amaze me the more I learn about him. I am starting to get nervous about meeting him! I want to get my hair cut and colored, brows waxed, etc. I'm already starting to think about what I want to wear- this is sooo unlike me!

I wish I had someone to talk to about this- someone who has been there who can give me advice.

My First Post!

I've been itching to do this awhile. Find a forum for all the random thoughts that swirl in my head and share the cool things I see and read with all my friends and family, so here I am! Now that I'm FINALLY writing, I'm struggling to think of what to say! Shocking I know.

Okay, today I was discussing why married guys can see the beauty, brilliance and overall awesomeness of my personality, when their single counterparts could really care less. Why is it? What is it about me that only appeals to well, the unavailable? It's really unfortunate too. I don't want to waste all my cool stories, jokes and efforts on someone who can't be fully in a relationship with me. As Wendy pointed out the other day, "I deserve better!" She's right! I've paid my dues, kissed the frogs, oh boy have I kissed some frogs! But where's my Prince? I'm ready damnit! Okay, I still have some work to do, but don't we all? I don't plan to be really "finished" until the day I expire. And then, well I guess I'll have to be done right? Lol.

This all came about because I met a really cool guy online. We've exchanged a few emails and have now progressed to text and instant messaging. Oh, and we exchanged pics the other night as well. At first he said that he was "separated", which in my book still means "married" but I decided to stick around because I liked his emails. Well, I'm really starting to like him! He's cute, hysterically funny, smart, successful.... I could go on, but, as you can see- I'm in trouble! I can't go there- refuse to go there, but... Why? Why does he have to be married? He really likes me too but I'm under no illusion that he will leave his wife for me. He's made it perfectly clear where he stands, so I know better than to hope for this. I agreed to meet him for lunch next week and I'm now really conflicted about it. Part of me hopes that I won't be attracted to him because it will be a lot easier to walk away, and part of me hopes that he's as great in person, because I will be really disappointed if he's not.