Ready or Not??

I just realized that there are only 2 months left of school! Yay! Now, I just have to get there- that's the hard part. So, 8 more weeks of struggling, studying, lack of sleep, no social life.... I can do it, right? I'm just really struggling with fatigue. It's more than just the typical college student exhaustion and has made it clear within the past couple of weeks that I need to get back on my meds. It's obvious that as much as I was hoping I was somehow cured, it was just an anomaly and I still need the drugs. I'm frustrated though since money is tight and I know that it will take several weeks for the levels to build in my system, so I'll be graduated before I see any real benefit most likely.

The other day one of my board members at the non-profit asked me about my plans post-graduation. I honestly had not thought about it- it seemed so far off still and yet, it's really not. So I decided then that I'd stick with them until March. Our current planning sessions with the city should wrap in March. That would be a good time to bring in someone new I think. I'm kind of ready to be done with the administrative thing. It's just not my strong suit and it has been a struggle. I want to still contribute to the organization, but would rather donate my time to a single committee rather than oversee all of them!

As for my Marketing job, I'm hopeful that I will be able to stick with them through the new year, but I know that the graduating during a recession is not the greatest idea ever. So, I'm trying to be realistic about the realities of the situation. Thankfully Wichita has been somewhat sheltered from the financial turmoil due to the aircraft industry boom, but that can only last so long.

There are so many things I want to do after December and so many things that I need to think about between now and then! I just realized that I need to plan a graduation party for myself, starting with a venue. That should be challenging considering it is in the midst of the holiday season!

Things with "M" are still going great. It's difficult to realize that it's only been 3 weeks when it seems like 3 months! I feel very lucky to have met him, although I know that luck is a small part of it. I know that I've paid my dues to get where I am today and that all of that was necessary to get here and in order to appreciate the great guy that he is. I just wish I had more time to spend with him and the resources to spoil him like he spoils me. At the moment all I can offer in the way of dinner is Ramen noodles or PB&J. So, I took him to the airport and picked him up when he got back the other night.

Today I heard again from "V." He again wanted to see me totally last minute. How was I ever okay with this? So, I just reminded him that I'm seeing someone. He was nice and wished me luck. Even if I hadn't met "M" I was so tired of V's habit of blowing me off at the last minute.

I'm glad that this weekend is Fall Break. I'm Ready!! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go out to the farm and see the family. I'm sure my nephew is getting sooo big! He was born August 4th and I haven't seen him since my Birthday in late August. I thought about asking "M" to tag along, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't want it to be a big deal, but try as I might, it's gonna be a big deal to my family to meet him. They haven't met anyone in about 15 years so, yeah, it's big. My sister convinced me to wait until the holidays though. She is much more knowledgeable about these things and helped me realize that trying to make it not a "thing" won't work.

Funnily enough, as I was contemplating this, "M" mentions that his mom is coming to town in a few weeks and that I may get to meet her. I wish I could say that I'm excited but I'm actually more curious to meet her and fill in the blanks of the stories that I've heard so far.

Finally, "M" is a bit jealous that his dog and I have taken such a liking to each other. I'm not sure he understands how ironic this is. I'm sooo not a dog person! They are big, loud, smelly, like to lick and eat gross things and slobber everywhere. But, I will say that his dog is a lot of fun. It's fun to play ball with him (when it's not covered in slime) and snuggle with him except when he hogs the bed and tries to wedge in between "M" and I. "M" is worried that the dog is becoming more mine than his and has threatened to get another dog! Great. Just what I wanted [can you sense the sarcasm?]! My theory is that the dog is just excited that there is a new person around who gives him attention. I think that it will wear off with time. Especially if it ever becomes apparent to him that I am a "cat" person!

It's like my plan to get to know the dog has backfired on me! I knew that "M" and the dog were a package deal, kind of like me and my cats. So, I made a point to befriend the dog. Now it bites me in the ass because the dog likes me more! LOL. Sooo not how I saw that one being played out.

Why can't this be easier?

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I have a theory that the Universe/God (whatever higher power term works for you) has a really sick sense of humor. I guess the fact that life is hard is a part of that overall attitude. I know it's all apart of the ebb and flow of life, you struggle so you can appreciate the days when there is nothing going on and things all just fall into place effortlessly.

I'm really pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to handle 2 jobs and school and meanwhile I have to put up with politics, ego trips, people who won't say what they mean/think, and just general bullshit. I'm getting really tired of it! I'm sooo not an brown-noser and it's kind of what is expected/ required at the moment and I just refuse! It's not a part of my DNA to be that way and I'm not going to start now. People really need to grow up and look at the big picture and realize that it's not all about them!

Meanwhile, I have no time to date, to go out and meet anyone and yet, the relationships I do have are all becoming very dysfunctional and unsatisfying. Basically they want me to be there for them when they want and vice versa and it's just not working. Neither side wants to give any either because that would be too much like a real relationship and our stated "casual thing" is a way of avoiding having to deal with the crap of a real authentic connection.

I had a funny conversation tonight with one of these casual guys. He's bi-sexual and not shy about it. I'm okay with that and appreciate his honesty since I've known some guys in the past who probably played both sides of the court but didn't admit it. Anyway, he's all upset because his go to "guy" friend now has a girlfriend and has kicked him to the curb. He's kind of peeved about it and wanted to know if I knew of any other guys to set him up with! (Really didn't see that coming when I called him back this evening). Then he blows me off and I haven't heard from him since. Somehow this further confirms my suspicions that he's more "gay" than "Bi."

Hmmm. Maybe I'm just getting bored and want more? Something more permanent, stable, predictable, etc. Maybe I'm outgrowing all this juvenile bullshit? Part of me feels ready to be in a relationship and part of me looks around and sees all the unhappy couples and miserable married people, and I think "No Thanks."

I guess I don't have to decide today, right? Recently a 64 year old man told me that it took him 60 years and two failed marriages to finally meet the true love of his life. I'm really happy for him since I know all the drama he has been through (I'm friends with his daughter), and he and his "true love" are so sickeningly happy. It just makes you smile and hope to find something like that some day.

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This weekend was a lot of fun. I spent time with all my best friends and my family to celebrate my Birthday. I really wasn't expecting anything since I've been so caught up in my own life and have had to put all my peeps on the back burner. Plus my financial situation has made me not the greatest reciprocator and I've even forgotten Birthdays this year! I NEVER do that! Anyway, it was very nice that all these people love me anyway and know that I'm just "in a phase."

I got some new clothes and a new vacuum cleaner! Plus there was lots of good food and cake!

All in all, a wonderful weekend.

It's Friday and I have beer- life is good once again

Sorry about the depressing post yesterday. It was one of those days when everything seemed to conspired against me. Which always seems to happen during the time of the month when I'm feeling the most vulnerable, emotional and least capable of dealing with stress!

Not that today was any better really, but my coping skills were better. Either that, or I've just given up!

I was worried that my electricity would get shut off which would cause me to get evicted and then I was worried that I would be asked to resign (or get fired) from my new job because I've missed deadlines. As usual, my fears were unjustified. All is fine now.

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Today I got to spend time with my brother's family rather unexpectedly. My 5 day old nephew had to be checked out by his Pediatrician and as they were preparing to leave, the car wouldn't start. My sister-in-law called me crying because she was stranded with two toddlers and a newborn in the heat of the day. So, I rushed across town to take them all to McDonald's for lunch and wait for my brother to arrive and check out the situation. It's amazing how attached the toddlers are to their mom. We had a meltdown in the car when we ran an errand just me and the kids.

All I can say is that it was fun to spend quality time with them, but geez, they once again reinforced my opinion that motherhood isn't my thing!
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Wow, I haven't had any artistic posts on here for awhile. Hopefully tomorrow...