Slowly I'm Learning

The past 3 years have been about more than getting a traditional education, I've also grown up a lot and learned a great deal about myself. It's been a rather painful process, but one that I realize was highly necessary and long overdue.

In a recent post I mentioned that I realize how I've sold myself short over the years. I've accepted mere crumbs in relationships and did everything in my power to sustain something that was barely a relationship to begin with. It's really sad and embarrassing to realize how often I did this and think back on the guys that I thought were worth my time and attention who really were not.

This has been further emphasized to me in the past week while spending time with "M." Yes, I am still seeing him and things are going very well.

One evening I stopped by after a night class and he was sweaty from walking the dog. I offered to hang around while he took a shower. Before he left me, he asked if I needed a drink or anything. I shook my head "no" and explained that I was fine. He then looked at me and said "you aren't used to being treated like this are you?" It's so sad, but no I'm not and I told him as much.

This past weekend we spent most of the time together. He really spoiled me! Cooked me dinner, made me breakfast, it was really nice! It makes me happy that he cares enough to do these things, but makes me sad that I've never had this experience before now.

He's really raised the bar for me to attempt to spoil him in return. I'm excited to try though. He really deserves it. Not just for all that he does for me, but because he is such a great guy in many other ways too. I can tell that in a lot of ways he's not used to being spoiled either. Friday night he fell asleep while we watched TV, so I picked up our dinner dishes and took the dog outside. When I finally woke him up, he was surprised that I had done all of that.

Each day I look forward to seeing him or at least speaking to him. I'm curious about his day and miss him when I don't get to see him. It's only been a couple of weeks but seems a lot longer (but in a good way).

When my best friend first started dating her husband, I would make fun of them for "needing" to talk every day and being so lovey dovey when they were around each other. I just didn't get why they needed to do all of that and what on earth they had to say to each other every day. Now, I'm there. I get it.

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Things at work are going well. I'm just still frustrated at trying to find time to do it all. Last week was nuts with 3 tests to prepare for and a paper due. This week is much more manageable. And next week is 2 tests and Fall Break! Already?? Wow!

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Now for some Art! I really dig this blog ! I'm not really their target demographic, but the stuff they post never ceases to amaze. Here is a link to an artist who sketches on sidewalks using chalk. Absolutely brilliant!

Can't I just be done already???

Okay, my patience is wearing thin. I'm sooo done with school! I'm done! I've struggled and studied and sacrificed for this seemingly unattainable goal for 3 years now and it's getting really old!

Today I had a meeting with a bunch of city officials for work on our non-profit initiative. We were discussing the best dates/times for future meetings and I was the lone dissenting voice in the majority of dates/times. It was frustrating because most of the suggested times conflict with my class schedule. Granted it's only a day or two a month, but still... I was already skipping class today to make the meeting. Grrr.

Then, with my other job I just don't have time to devote to my assigned tasks and other things that I feel that the job requires. I constantly feel guilty about it and it just stresses me out.

And of course, because I had resigned myself to the idea that I didn't have time to date anyone, I meet the first guy in a very long time who is worth trying to rearrange my schedule for. But, there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes you really just have to do laundry and stay home and study when you'd much rather be snuggling with someone else. It really sucks!

So, what it all boils down to is this: school isn't fitting into my life anymore! I've outgrown it! But, it really is necessary and so I have to suffer a little while longer. Dammit! Gotta just grit my teeth and keep on keepin' on, but I'm going on record that I'm seriously pissed off about it.

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Speaking of dating, yes I'm still spending a lot of time with "M." It just blows me away how awesome this has been so far. I keep trying to remind myself that life is a marathon and not a sprint (mostly in order to make myself feel better over my crazy schedule and conflicting priorities), and only time will tell if this thing has staying power, but so far things look really good. We click really well as friends and just enjoy spending time together. We can sit on the porch and discuss our day and not get bored or feel we need to be "doing something."

Right now I just feel really blessed to have met someone that I click with so well. I'm proud that I've finally attracted a "nice" guy and that I'm likewise equally attracted to him. I don't have to do the dog and pony show to get him to like me, he already does and I don't have to dwell on what his mixed signals mean because he just TELLS me how he feels and what he's thinking! Ahhh, so refreshing! Each day that I get to spend with him is awesome, so I'm just enjoying the journey and looking forward with a smile.

Finally!

Sorry, it's been a few days since I've had a chance to post something new. I have been busy preparing for an exam and then had company from out of town. Now, I'm trying to dive back into my life after the past couple of hectic days.

I've come to a realization the past few days though. I'm finally getting my groove back. Yeah, like "Stella" in that movie. No, I didn't just go through a harrowing divorce and find a boy toy in Jamaica, but I survived 5 years of illness that threw my life out of whack and met a boy toy from another city. lol.

I'm finally feeling like I'm back to where I was before I got sick. I don't feel like the cloud of illness is obscuring the sunny parts of my life and making me afraid to play for fear of the game being called due to rain. The sky is one giant rainbow for me right now! I wonder if I can find the pot of gold? Hmmm.

As for the "boy toy" it's really strange. He's like me. It's making me question exactly how immature I am if I can relate to someone who is 12 years younger as well as I can him. But, rather than try to intellectualize this, I'm just enjoying having fun and going with the moment. My family and friends thought I was absolutely insane to invite this guy to come stay at my house, when all I knew was from talking online. But, I've done similar things back in the day- I'm just a risk-taker I guess. Anyway, I trusted my judgement and everything was fine. As for what he sees in me- the old lady? For one thing, I look closer to his age than my own. Being a college student and single means that I live more like a typical college kid rather than someone my own age. So... it works! Plus he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and he's absolutely adorable! What's not to love? See, it is like Stella!

The thing that really stinks is that he lives 3 hours away. Not exactly conducive to relationship/friendship development. I mean with $4 gas, school, and both of us working 2 jobs. What the hell? But, why not? There's always IM'ing and TM'ing. I just need to get a webcam and mic so he doesn't forget what I look like! lol.

The "boy toy" had never visited my city, so I was excited to be the local ambassador and tour guide to the cool things we have here. It was fun to see the city through new eyes and show off the things that I think make this place great. He really enjoyed the visit and I think he'll come back since there is so much more to see and do here.

And, because of him I tried something new too! I took him to a restaurant for Sushi. I've always wanted to try it, but wanted to be with someone who could guide me in what's good. It was awesome! Will definitely be returning for that!

Yesterday I had a couple of work meetings that reinforced why I love my job. Yes, I was really frustrated last week with how annoying the administrative part can be, but overall- what a great place to be! It was just what I needed to make me love what I do again and feel really good about where I am at career-wise and in my life in general.

Happy Hump Day

Is it really Wednesday? Wow. What the hell happened to Tuesday? And Friday is a holiday, so technically it's kind of Thursday! Yeah!!

I've been a networking fool today, visiting with Merchants and emailing prospective employers to maintain the relationships I've developed with them so hopefully they will hire me next year. I spent so much time doing that today that now tonight I get to stuff envelopes for a mailer that really should have been postmarked today, but will go out tomorrow instead. Uggh. Oh well, I'd rather watch tv and do it than sit in my office. Just when I forget that I'm a glorified secretary, a task like this comes along that helps snap me back to reality and remind me of why I'm going to school.

Well, I initially started this blog as a method of sharing information with my network of family and friends in an easier format than sending emails from 6 different addresses and maintaining pages on 2 different social networking sites. But, I got preoccupied with my love life and forgot.

So, today I'm going to try to balance the two a bit better. First off, the picture at the top of this post is of what is called a Newspaper Blackout Poem. I found this artist profiled on another site and loved this idea! So simple, beautiful, thought provoking and well... judge for yourself! http://www.austinkleon.com/category/newspaper-blackout-poems/ My favorite is the one that is at the bottom of the main page about the girl holding books. The couple on the tandem bike is also quite beautiful. Really, how does he come up with these things? Wow...