The end of "M"?

After my previous post about "M" and the breakup, he contacted me. It was great to hear from him and get clarification about his reasons and thought process.

For the record: there wasn't another woman.

But, hearing from him also made me incredibly sad and then angry. Although I enjoyed his emails, it was frustrating because I wanted more! I wanted to see him, snuggle with him and listen to him talk about his day or tell a funny story about his dog, not read it online while at work. It was almost as if he regretted breaking up with me, but we're still broken up, so obviously he didn't come begging me to take him back.

So, after a few days of this, I just quit emailing him. I was too angry and needed time to process my thoughts. Plus, I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him right now. So, I need to allow him to move on and find someone else.

In the meantime, my bff and I talked a lot about the stuff I learned from "M" and she was initially optimistic that we would eventually reconcile. What I didn't count on was that when I reached the anger phase she took his side! She stuck up for him! That REALLY pissed me off! But, deep down I knew she was right and that he did the right thing, but at that moment, wow I was hurt.

Now the silence is deafening. As much as I know he needs to move on and I'm trying to stay busy picking up the pieces of the Tornado Aftermath that my life has recently become, I feel like I need him more than ever. He was quickly becoming one of my best friends and I really need my friends right now.

But, I know that he has his reasons for staying away and although I don't necessarily agree with him, it's okay. I really can't blame him. Nothing has really changed. The reasons he left are still there, probably more so than they were a few months ago. I'm not making the progress that he probably hoped I would.

I still dream about him pretty frequently. I dream that I run into him at the grocery store and things like that. The other night I dreamt that I found his dog wandering the streets like he had gotten loose and ran off while out for a walk. I called "M" and he then contacted his girlfriend who was taking care of the dog for him. Yes people, even in my dream I'm a realist. Some would say that I'm a pessimist, but I prefer the term "Realistic Optimist."

So, for now this is the last post about "M." I don't see things changing in the short term. I miss him, but I know that his life is probably better without me in it right now. As much as I wholeheartedly agree with the saying "the people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least," I know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself and that I have to accept his decision like it or not.

As much as I wanted to agree with my bff and hope for a future reconciliation, I just can't allow myself to go there. Okay sometimes I dream about it, but the dreams are always a couple of years from now.

The reason I can't is because there was once another guy who cared about me and walked away because he got tired of waiting for me to grow up. When we met I had just gotten out of a long term relationship so all I wanted to do was go out and party and flirt and have fun. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but fell for him anyway. Because we worked together the relationship was very short lived but we became really great friends. I always knew that "A" and I would get back together. It just seemed destined to happen. We stayed in touch over the years and always talked about getting together for a beer or whatever, but we never did. The timing was always off. He would call me and I was dating someone. Months later I would email him and he was dating someone. We went on like this for several years! Then a few years passed without talking. He was going through some stuff so I gave him time and space to deal with what he was going through then I decided to call him. He was surprised to hear from me after all that time and explained that he had gotten married a few months earlier! I was absolutely devastated. My dreams of "A" were shattered. It took me a really long time to get over that. I had so many things I regretted. I regretted all the times I should have called, that I should have been there for him. Had I stepped up and not been afraid then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

As much as I kind of hope that "M" is secretly pining away for me and waiting for me to get my shit together, my sincere hope is that he finds the happiness he deserves. I want that for him more than anything. I want him to be happy and with someone who treats him well and spoils him rotten. As my bff says "he's a GOOD man." He really, really is and I hope that he finds someone who agrees and shows him every day how grateful she is to find him.

It's all about timing...

My timing has always sucked. Except for the day I was born, when I arrived 4 days early, I've always struggled to be on time. I also have an embarrassing tendency to say something mildly inappropriate in a public venue right as the room gets quiet, causing everyone to look at me.

So, I wasn't all too surprised on Friday when "M" called a time-out in our relationship. The timing is just wrong. I need to focus on school and finding adequate employment to support myself and unfortunately he's just a distraction. THIS SUCKS!

I enjoy having him as a distraction- he's welcome and needed, but still, I need to focus. THIS SUCKS!

I'm really angry and sad about this turn of events. I'm also scared that it means that I'm one step closer to losing him for good. I'm sad that this has caused him as much stress as it's caused me and sad that it means that I don't get to see him as much for the time being. I'm scared because I don't know what the rules are in "time-out." How does this work? Yeah, we'll stay in touch, still see each other, but when? This is all new territory for me. I'm really pissed off that this is sooo not what I want and I really hate not getting my way.

Mostly though, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've failed him, our new relationship and most importantly myself. I'm really kicking myself for getting into the situation I am now in where this is the best option for us right now and for a potential "us" in the future.

The one bright spot is that I got to hear how "M" feels about me, which is always nice. I had suspected these things, but sometimes you need to hear them. I'm glad that he took the time to tell me.

So, now it's back to the grind. I need to regroup, refocus and make a plan for my future. I need to get my shit together so that this time-out is as brief as possible.

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Things at the non-profit are really messed up. As much as I admire our President and all that he has done to get our initiatives started, there is a real lack of leadership among the board and things are falling apart. It is really stressing me out because I want to see this succeed but at the same time, I am only one person and have limited time to devote to "the cause."

Friday I found out off-hand that a committee meeting had been scheduled without my knowledge. As the Administrative Assistant, my job is to attend all meetings and take minutes, help coordinate them, etc. This is troublesome because I'm being left out and not being allowed to do my job.

As much as I hate to do it, recent events have necessitated that I give them notice that I will be leaving at the end of the year. I need to find permanent full-time employment and can't jeopardize that by working for the non-profit 8-10 hours a week. I also feel that if I step down as their employee, they can focus the funds that paid my salary to more fruitful things and I can stay involved but as a volunteer. I'm hopeful that the reduced stress will help restore my confidence in the group.