Worrying is such a waste, but I can't help it!

It’s 34 days to go until school is done for semester and I graduate.

For some reason, it seems so far away still and yet, it’s coming really fast. I’ve worked for so long to get here and now it’s almost time, but I don’t think I’m ready!

There are so many things up in the air and so many things I need to wrap up. And yet, there are even more things that I am looking forward to. I’m ready for a steady job, with benefits and a steady paycheck. I’m ready for free time and not stressing every day about money and homework.

I’m ready to get back into a routine at home and in my life to lay the groundwork for working out regularly, eating better and improving things at home.

I’m ready to devote time to my hobbies and interests rather than to subjects that are boring and assignments that will have little or no value beyond the current semester.

I’m nervous too. I’m scared that I’ll come up short, scared that I’ll fail. I’ve been here so many times before it seems and I’m scared I’ll fall short again. I’m afraid that I’ll let everyone who is counting on me down and further strain relationships that are barely hanging by the thread of hope for my future. I’m afraid that I’ll find that the past 3 years have been a big waste of time and money due to the current economy and I won’t find a job where my education and experience are valued. I’m afraid that I’ll have to work 2 jobs for the next 5 years in order to pay off all of my debt. I really don't like all these loose ends!

A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I can do it. She made me cry. She’s right, I know I can, but I’m still scared that I’ll somehow fail.

Today though, I received a much needed pep talk of sorts at the Senior Luncheon on campus. It helped crystallize that this is quickly becoming a reality and that I can do it! Phew. I really needed that!

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Things with “M” are still awesome. He’s such a wonderful guy that I wonder what I did to deserve having him in my life and then I remember all the crap I’ve been through and know that I’ve paid my dues in that regard. I just really wish I could have met him a few months from now when my life is a bit more “put together.” Everything is messy and unsettled at the moment- not the greatest time to start a relationship. Thankfully, he has been extremely patient and understanding which just makes me adore him all the more.

It’s still weird how well we get along and how there is such a lack of drama between us. I’m kind of glad that there is no drama since I have more than enough in my own life right now. Unfortunately my drama kind of spilled over and recently made things a bit awkward, but we were able to talk through it and move on. As we get to know each other better though I’m sure that more things will crop up, but so far, it’s been refreshingly easy. So nice!

As things keep going, I'm starting to trust more that this is real, that I'm not being played and that it really is a good thing. For awhile there I really struggled with that. I'm not sure if it's the lack of drama (me needing to find something wrong with him) or if it was just all my past baggage catching up with me for a moment. I've also sensed that he has maybe struggled to trust me too. We met in such an unconventional and unexpected way that, well, it was kind of inevitable I think. I like that we can talk things out though and work through whatever is bothering us. It's all good.

Ready or Not??

I just realized that there are only 2 months left of school! Yay! Now, I just have to get there- that's the hard part. So, 8 more weeks of struggling, studying, lack of sleep, no social life.... I can do it, right? I'm just really struggling with fatigue. It's more than just the typical college student exhaustion and has made it clear within the past couple of weeks that I need to get back on my meds. It's obvious that as much as I was hoping I was somehow cured, it was just an anomaly and I still need the drugs. I'm frustrated though since money is tight and I know that it will take several weeks for the levels to build in my system, so I'll be graduated before I see any real benefit most likely.

The other day one of my board members at the non-profit asked me about my plans post-graduation. I honestly had not thought about it- it seemed so far off still and yet, it's really not. So I decided then that I'd stick with them until March. Our current planning sessions with the city should wrap in March. That would be a good time to bring in someone new I think. I'm kind of ready to be done with the administrative thing. It's just not my strong suit and it has been a struggle. I want to still contribute to the organization, but would rather donate my time to a single committee rather than oversee all of them!

As for my Marketing job, I'm hopeful that I will be able to stick with them through the new year, but I know that the graduating during a recession is not the greatest idea ever. So, I'm trying to be realistic about the realities of the situation. Thankfully Wichita has been somewhat sheltered from the financial turmoil due to the aircraft industry boom, but that can only last so long.

There are so many things I want to do after December and so many things that I need to think about between now and then! I just realized that I need to plan a graduation party for myself, starting with a venue. That should be challenging considering it is in the midst of the holiday season!

Things with "M" are still going great. It's difficult to realize that it's only been 3 weeks when it seems like 3 months! I feel very lucky to have met him, although I know that luck is a small part of it. I know that I've paid my dues to get where I am today and that all of that was necessary to get here and in order to appreciate the great guy that he is. I just wish I had more time to spend with him and the resources to spoil him like he spoils me. At the moment all I can offer in the way of dinner is Ramen noodles or PB&J. So, I took him to the airport and picked him up when he got back the other night.

Today I heard again from "V." He again wanted to see me totally last minute. How was I ever okay with this? So, I just reminded him that I'm seeing someone. He was nice and wished me luck. Even if I hadn't met "M" I was so tired of V's habit of blowing me off at the last minute.

I'm glad that this weekend is Fall Break. I'm Ready!! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go out to the farm and see the family. I'm sure my nephew is getting sooo big! He was born August 4th and I haven't seen him since my Birthday in late August. I thought about asking "M" to tag along, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't want it to be a big deal, but try as I might, it's gonna be a big deal to my family to meet him. They haven't met anyone in about 15 years so, yeah, it's big. My sister convinced me to wait until the holidays though. She is much more knowledgeable about these things and helped me realize that trying to make it not a "thing" won't work.

Funnily enough, as I was contemplating this, "M" mentions that his mom is coming to town in a few weeks and that I may get to meet her. I wish I could say that I'm excited but I'm actually more curious to meet her and fill in the blanks of the stories that I've heard so far.

Finally, "M" is a bit jealous that his dog and I have taken such a liking to each other. I'm not sure he understands how ironic this is. I'm sooo not a dog person! They are big, loud, smelly, like to lick and eat gross things and slobber everywhere. But, I will say that his dog is a lot of fun. It's fun to play ball with him (when it's not covered in slime) and snuggle with him except when he hogs the bed and tries to wedge in between "M" and I. "M" is worried that the dog is becoming more mine than his and has threatened to get another dog! Great. Just what I wanted [can you sense the sarcasm?]! My theory is that the dog is just excited that there is a new person around who gives him attention. I think that it will wear off with time. Especially if it ever becomes apparent to him that I am a "cat" person!

It's like my plan to get to know the dog has backfired on me! I knew that "M" and the dog were a package deal, kind of like me and my cats. So, I made a point to befriend the dog. Now it bites me in the ass because the dog likes me more! LOL. Sooo not how I saw that one being played out.

Slowly I'm Learning

The past 3 years have been about more than getting a traditional education, I've also grown up a lot and learned a great deal about myself. It's been a rather painful process, but one that I realize was highly necessary and long overdue.

In a recent post I mentioned that I realize how I've sold myself short over the years. I've accepted mere crumbs in relationships and did everything in my power to sustain something that was barely a relationship to begin with. It's really sad and embarrassing to realize how often I did this and think back on the guys that I thought were worth my time and attention who really were not.

This has been further emphasized to me in the past week while spending time with "M." Yes, I am still seeing him and things are going very well.

One evening I stopped by after a night class and he was sweaty from walking the dog. I offered to hang around while he took a shower. Before he left me, he asked if I needed a drink or anything. I shook my head "no" and explained that I was fine. He then looked at me and said "you aren't used to being treated like this are you?" It's so sad, but no I'm not and I told him as much.

This past weekend we spent most of the time together. He really spoiled me! Cooked me dinner, made me breakfast, it was really nice! It makes me happy that he cares enough to do these things, but makes me sad that I've never had this experience before now.

He's really raised the bar for me to attempt to spoil him in return. I'm excited to try though. He really deserves it. Not just for all that he does for me, but because he is such a great guy in many other ways too. I can tell that in a lot of ways he's not used to being spoiled either. Friday night he fell asleep while we watched TV, so I picked up our dinner dishes and took the dog outside. When I finally woke him up, he was surprised that I had done all of that.

Each day I look forward to seeing him or at least speaking to him. I'm curious about his day and miss him when I don't get to see him. It's only been a couple of weeks but seems a lot longer (but in a good way).

When my best friend first started dating her husband, I would make fun of them for "needing" to talk every day and being so lovey dovey when they were around each other. I just didn't get why they needed to do all of that and what on earth they had to say to each other every day. Now, I'm there. I get it.

~~

Things at work are going well. I'm just still frustrated at trying to find time to do it all. Last week was nuts with 3 tests to prepare for and a paper due. This week is much more manageable. And next week is 2 tests and Fall Break! Already?? Wow!

~~

Now for some Art! I really dig this blog ! I'm not really their target demographic, but the stuff they post never ceases to amaze. Here is a link to an artist who sketches on sidewalks using chalk. Absolutely brilliant!

Can't I just be done already???

Okay, my patience is wearing thin. I'm sooo done with school! I'm done! I've struggled and studied and sacrificed for this seemingly unattainable goal for 3 years now and it's getting really old!

Today I had a meeting with a bunch of city officials for work on our non-profit initiative. We were discussing the best dates/times for future meetings and I was the lone dissenting voice in the majority of dates/times. It was frustrating because most of the suggested times conflict with my class schedule. Granted it's only a day or two a month, but still... I was already skipping class today to make the meeting. Grrr.

Then, with my other job I just don't have time to devote to my assigned tasks and other things that I feel that the job requires. I constantly feel guilty about it and it just stresses me out.

And of course, because I had resigned myself to the idea that I didn't have time to date anyone, I meet the first guy in a very long time who is worth trying to rearrange my schedule for. But, there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes you really just have to do laundry and stay home and study when you'd much rather be snuggling with someone else. It really sucks!

So, what it all boils down to is this: school isn't fitting into my life anymore! I've outgrown it! But, it really is necessary and so I have to suffer a little while longer. Dammit! Gotta just grit my teeth and keep on keepin' on, but I'm going on record that I'm seriously pissed off about it.

~~~

Speaking of dating, yes I'm still spending a lot of time with "M." It just blows me away how awesome this has been so far. I keep trying to remind myself that life is a marathon and not a sprint (mostly in order to make myself feel better over my crazy schedule and conflicting priorities), and only time will tell if this thing has staying power, but so far things look really good. We click really well as friends and just enjoy spending time together. We can sit on the porch and discuss our day and not get bored or feel we need to be "doing something."

Right now I just feel really blessed to have met someone that I click with so well. I'm proud that I've finally attracted a "nice" guy and that I'm likewise equally attracted to him. I don't have to do the dog and pony show to get him to like me, he already does and I don't have to dwell on what his mixed signals mean because he just TELLS me how he feels and what he's thinking! Ahhh, so refreshing! Each day that I get to spend with him is awesome, so I'm just enjoying the journey and looking forward with a smile.

Crap! I'm a trendy demographic...

Geez, try as I might to avoid any sort of stereotyping (I'm over 30, never married, no kids, still in college... okay you get the picture), I read on MSN and see on Good Morning America or one of those shows that I'm a part of a new and trendy demographic. I'm an aunt and apparently that makes me appealing to advertisers.

I'll admit that I joined Savvy Auntie because I wanted to get the inside scoop on cool gifts and fun activities for all the little people in my life, not because I wanted to join "the sisterhood" of aunts worldwide who can't wait to spend their disposable income on other people's kids!

Anyway, it kind of rubbed me wrong for some reason.

~~~
Speaking of being annoyed, why do people feel the need to turn their stereo bass to full throttle? Can they not hear it? I mean I can tell you the comings and goings of every person with a tricked out car stereo who lives in my apartment complex even with the TV on, a/c running and (my favorite example) even when I'm totally asleep!

With the recent nightly dramas with my little outdoor wanna-be cat, I think my neighbor is really pissed off at me. But, instead of knocking on my door to complain, or stopping me in the parking lot to discuss it, he would rather make my floor and furniture vibrate (and no, not in a fun way) while he plays video games. I want to complain to management but I'm afraid that will open a can of worms where I end up punished worse (like evicted thanks to the cat), so I don't.
~~~
Hmmm. Saw my crush at work the other day. It was weird, he didn't acknowledge me. Yes, we were in a meeting and it wasn't appropriate to talk, but a wave, nod or smile would have been nice.

I sooo don't get men! Will I ever?
~~~
New guy alert: kinda cute older (as in older than the typical student) guy in one of my classes who I think kinda digs me too! Too bad I only get to see him once a week.

One minor nitpick: he needs to groom his hairy toes if he's going to wear flip flops. Yeah, it's doomed- I'm already trying to "fix" him and I don't even know his last name! I will give him props that he has nice feet, but you could put a barrette in his big toe hair! Seriously....

With that image planted in your brain, I better get back to work. Huge deadline looming!

School's Cool and Life's Good

I'm finally starting to get into the swing of a new semester (last one!) and juggling two jobs. It's been really challenging, but as long as I keep my calendar with me at all times and write everything down, I think I'll be okay.

A new semester always makes me happy. I love learning new subjects and just the intellectual "high" I get from school. Whenever I've had to sit out a semester or two, I've always missed it. And yet, by midterm I'm ready to be done already and go on to a new class, new topic or something more fun and less demanding. I know I'm a total nerd but I still get excited about buying shiny new notebooks, folders and pens at Target- just like I did as a kid! Spending $400 on textbooks is rather painful, but hopefully I can resell them and get enough back for a couple of Christmas gifts.

Speaking of demanding- this semester is really going to test my mettle! I'm realizing how much of a time commitment a couple of these classes are going to require and I'm a bit nervous.

~~~

A year ago I was really struggling. I had just been laid off from a temporary job that was supposed to run through the fall, but ended early. I was somewhat thankful since the office politics were positively toxic! To top it off, the manager was the type who didn't want to be the "heavy." She wanted to be everyone's friend and tried everything she could think of to avoid conflict.

Plus my direct supervisor really hated me and no matter how I tried, I could never win her over. She resented my presence from Day One.

It was the vortex of a really tough time for me. I was really depressed and didn't see a way out of the storm. All I could manage to do was sleep.

Thankfully, I got through it and my family and friends stood by me while I floundered.

Although my energy level has dropped a bit (not still functioning at that high strung girl on crack sort of pace-THANK GOD), but when I look back to where I was a year ago, I've still come a long way.

I am truly grateful to all who have continued to support me emotionally and even financially at times the past year and a half. At times even I wondered if I was worth it!

I feel like I'm just now starting to figure out who I am and grow into the adult I'm supposed to be. It's been a very long and painful road. But, I've also had way more fun than any one person should be allowed and learned sooo much about myself and all the awesome people and things on this planet!

Life's Good!

Only Five More!

I'm kind of excited! I finished my 2 week class on Friday and I realized that I only have 5 more classes to go! Wow. Five. I'm almost there. I can see the finish line!

To finish my class I had to write a paper and needed to interview someone for the paper. Everyone on my short list of who to interview was unavailable last minute to help me out! So, I'm facing the 10 point deficit of a letter grade jump and happened to run into my latest crush at work. Bingo! So I emailed him. Being such a nice guy, he came through for me. So, now I owe him big time and told him so. We'll see what comes of this, if anything.

~~~

If you haven't figured out, work has been kind of insane and then combined with the 2 week class, I barely had time to sleep, let alone blog or anything else fun like that. So I haven't even been flirting with my guys! Kind of shut off that part of my brain for awhile to focus on other things. If I didn't work with "J" then I wouldn't flirt with him either! But work is waaay more fun now, of course.

So, I was surprised to get a call from my chat buddy last week. Haven't talked to him since an ill-fated encounter about 6 weeks ago, when I went to his house to meet him in person. He was acting weird so I just left, totally confused as to why he invited me over and really disappointed that carrying our phone friendship into real life really ruined a beautiful thing! Anyway, "V" and I have been talking more and got the whole misunderstanding worked out. As a bonus, we may get to combine business with pleasure as he works in ad sales and is developing a quote for me! Apparently he has missed our phone relationship as well!

Also last week, I had a meeting with our local newspaper about working on PR for a client. One of the editors was flirting with me I think??? He freaked me out and embarrassed me! This has been happening a lot actually. My name is getting out"there" somehow and I don't know how or what exactly the message is saying. I've really tried hard to network the past few months, but this is a bit overwhelming.

Speaking of networking, last week (yes it was insanely busy!) a former instructor contacted me about a job opportunity overseas. I gave him my resume to review and submit to the parties involved (also former students). It would involve relocating to Dubai. How awesome would that be? I haven't heard anything, so I need to follow up with Dr. D. this week and find out more.

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So, I'm hoping to figure out how to juggle both jobs and school. Especially since the semester starts later this week!

This will be challenging since one job is only supposed to be 8-10 hours a week and has doubled where the other job is supposed to be around 30 hours a week!

~~~

But, I keep telling myself, 4 months, 5 classes and then I'm done!

School Schmule... flirting is waaay more fun!

I finally recovered from partying Thursday night. It's been a weird weekend. My FWB has officially unfriended me. I think it's kind of funny because I have no idea what I said or did to send him over the edge. I just told him I'm tired of fighting all the time. Really, it was getting old and his drama? No thanks...

Anyway, while researching an internet start up idea that the married guy suggested, I met a cutie from KC! We've been chatting a lot the last couple of days and he's coming to visit me next week! This morning I had a moment of panic wondering if that was smart... I don't know this guy and he's coming to stay at my house? I always trust my gut though and I think it's cool.

He's just sweet, funny and adorable as hell! And he really digs me too! Bonus!! So, now I'm wondering what my friends and family will think. He's sooo young! Okay, I'm not a pedophile, he's at least of age, but still- I'm venturing into Demi and Ashton territory here.

Which raises the question- how old do you have to be to become a cougar? Is it over 40? Or is it more a matter of the age difference between you? If that's the case, I've probably joined the club. If I have to be over 40, I'm okay.

So, spending all this time flirting has prevented me from studying. I sooo need to study too. I have a test next week and things are not going well. I'm really struggling. Since this is my most hated subject, it's way too easy to think of other things to do like scrub the shower, clean the litter box, vacuum out my car... yeah maybe I need to go to the library!

To continue my new trend of passing along cool stuff I've found on the web, I want to share a picture of an art technique called "reverse graffiti." The images are sandblasted into the sides of buildings, rail cars and other public surfaces that are covered with the grime and soot of urban living. The artist's name is moose. You can find a profile of Moose and his art at http://.reversegraffitiproject.com.

Happy Hump Day

Is it really Wednesday? Wow. What the hell happened to Tuesday? And Friday is a holiday, so technically it's kind of Thursday! Yeah!!

I've been a networking fool today, visiting with Merchants and emailing prospective employers to maintain the relationships I've developed with them so hopefully they will hire me next year. I spent so much time doing that today that now tonight I get to stuff envelopes for a mailer that really should have been postmarked today, but will go out tomorrow instead. Uggh. Oh well, I'd rather watch tv and do it than sit in my office. Just when I forget that I'm a glorified secretary, a task like this comes along that helps snap me back to reality and remind me of why I'm going to school.

Well, I initially started this blog as a method of sharing information with my network of family and friends in an easier format than sending emails from 6 different addresses and maintaining pages on 2 different social networking sites. But, I got preoccupied with my love life and forgot.

So, today I'm going to try to balance the two a bit better. First off, the picture at the top of this post is of what is called a Newspaper Blackout Poem. I found this artist profiled on another site and loved this idea! So simple, beautiful, thought provoking and well... judge for yourself! http://www.austinkleon.com/category/newspaper-blackout-poems/ My favorite is the one that is at the bottom of the main page about the girl holding books. The couple on the tandem bike is also quite beautiful. Really, how does he come up with these things? Wow...