Scenes from a Marriage

No dear readers, I didn't go and get married! Actually, lately I'm really questioning whether that is a wise decision ever! See with my current living situation I get to be sort of a fly on the wall and get a unique perspective on marriage and family life.



Over the years I've witnessed it as a dinner guest or at one of the kids' birthday parties, but living here day to day is rather amazing and not really in a good way. I'm blown away at the amount of ugliness that occurs in the day to day happenings of a marriage. I guess the tiny resentments over running a household and the general living together pet peeves build over time and result in the ugly spewing of insults and baited barbs for the most mundane of reasons.



Most days I try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. I lay in bed awake and wait until they are all gone before I dare try to go to the bathroom. I use the excuse that I want to stay out of their way and not cause them to be late for their day, but the truth is I just want to avoid getting yelled at myself.



To be fair to my hosts, not every day is this ugly, but I'm amazed at how many are. This morning as I was preparing to write this the song "Hit me with your best shot" came on the radio. I had to laugh. No, these people don't throw punches, just mud, but it's still painful to witness most days.



One day my bff was venting about her dear husband and was complaining about how he wanted to pick a fight. I was surprised that she was surprised at this. So, I reminded her about how they've been arguing since the day they first met, so why would now be any different? She had to laugh at the memory and agreed that I had a good point.



Living through this reminds me of how "M" and I never argued. When we had a disagreement, we would sit down and discuss it rather than yell. He was adamant that he was not a fan of yelling and I'm not either so we made it a priority to work through things in a civil manner. But now I wonder how many things we didn't discuss, how many frustrations he kept to himself. Most of all I wonder if he finally realized that the relationship with me wasn't worth fighting for and just walked away. Sometimes maybe a good fight really is a good thing.



The relationship with a I dated last summer was the complete opposite. We rarely had a conversation that didn't end in an argument. It was incredibly frustrating at how frequently misunderstandings occurred. It was like I would say "blue" and he thought I said "red" and then it was on. Finally I just got tired of it all. One day we were IM'ing and he was trying to pick a fight. I wasn't in the mood and he kept trying to bait me. I asked him point blank if he ever got tired of fighting. He refused to answer the question and kept on pushing my buttons. When I repeated the question and still didn't get an answer, I finally told him I was done and walked away. I realized that the relationship would always be like this and the good stuff wasn't worth putting up with the bad.



For now I'm just going to try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire and see what lessons can be learned from this unique perspective on marriage.

Loving the Single Life (well, most of the time)

I really like being single. I think that's a lot of the reason I've managed to dodge the "marriage bullet" all this time. Maybe a lot of it is fear too. I fear that marriage will lead to a loss of freedom, a loss of self, the realization of a grievous error in judgement and ending up more miserable than I already am at times.

That said, there are only a few occasions when being single, well, kinda sucks! Like holidays. Family reunions and times when you are around only married people who also have kids (Hey wanna see pics of my cats? ). It also sucks at times when you are the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel- basically odd woman (or man) out. Most people are cool with this, but there are the occasional "don't you dare acknowledge my husband, Bitch!" chicks. And then, there are the things that you want to do that you can't/won't do alone and that your friends just don't want to do. Guy oriented stuff. Stuff that even a gay guy friend probably wouldn't enjoy either. Stuff like hang out at the local dive bar and drink cheap beer and shoot pool or cheer on the local team at the ballpark.

Having guys visit my house recently really reinforced how much I love to be single and how difficult it will be for me to adjust to being "coupled" if I ever meet the right person to couple up with. There's the stereotypical toilet seat thing and then having to share space when I'm used to sprawling across my bed. And then there's the whole, cleaning up after them thing. Since when am I their mother? I know it's my house, but isn't it polite to ask where the empty beer bottles go? Or offer to help clean up? Seriously guys!

So anyway, I'm totally bummed because I really want to go see a live band play, but the bar is kinda scary and I probably won't know anyone there, so I don't feel comfortable going alone. It really sucks! I'm hating it that the 23 year old guy lives so far away. He'd be a perfect candidate for this task! But, alas, it won't work to invite him... Dang it!

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Today I talked to my family again about having my parents pick out a guy for me to date. I'm really thinking about this. I have such a horrible track record in attracting guys that I think this is a really viable option. Although I they have different criteria for choosing a guy (high on my mom's list: the guy must be Catholic and lack tattoos or piercings). None of these things are on my list, except maybe that I'd prefer he wasn't Catholic and prefer that he have tattoos and piercings.

I still stick to my assertion though that I'd like to meet a guy like my brother but a lot less "country." I met a really nice farmer Friday night (a guy a lot like my brother). He's single, cute, a great dancer and overall nice guy. But... he's a farmer and lives in a tiny town about an hour away. He reminded me a lot of a cowboy that I dated many moons ago, but I just can't go there... Not yet anyway.