Ghosts of Relationships past

I've been thinking a lot lately about "K." He's a guy I knew many years ago that I really liked. It was weird because he liked me too, but he never asked me out. We had an odd sort of relationship that never really made sense and he broke my heart over and over again, but his irresistible charm kept drawing me back hoping for a better outcome the next time around. He even won over my sister one night! She was all prepared to tell him off for how he had treated me, but even she was a big fan after talking to him!

A decade later, there are still so many unanswered questions there. I wonder where I/we went wrong? Why did he call me to talk for hours at a time and never work up the nerve to ask what I wanted him to, namely "would you go out with me?" And why did he always call me at 2 am and want to see me when he was drunk and horny instead? I get the 2 am part, but it's the afternoon chats that still boggle the mind.

Anyway, "K" is one of those really rare guys. He was so multi-faceted which I loved and he even came and helped me out when my car broke down one night. You could tell that he was a great guy, and we had a weird way of hugging each other where we just wrapped around each other like a caduceus symbol. I'm a huge fan of verbal sparring and laughter as foreplay, and we were masters at it!

I know that I'm probably a lot to blame for how things ended up. He came along during the fallout of the relationship with the guy I almost married. It took a lot for me to leave him and I just wanted to be free for awhile. I went out and partied way more than I should have during that time. I think "K" was looking to settle down, and I was looking for the next party.

At that time I thought I wanted a guy with a status job, but I now realize that it's not what the person does for a living, but how they spend the rest of their time and the type of person he is. "K" was like that. He worked a blue-collar job, but he had a lot of other interests that made him so much more than a "tool belt" as my friends referred to him. So, maybe it was a matter of timing, but it makes me sad that this great guy slipped through my fingers!

Part of me wants to call him and ask him to explain to me where I went wrong. I realize that the past 10 years I've repeated this pattern over and over again. The only difference being that most of the guys in between have not been as nice as he was. They are not the type of guy to come help me get my car started on a cold December night.

Again, it boils down to the fact that I keep settling for crumbs and hope for more. I keep chasing guys who don't even like me and doing the song and dance to try and change their minds. "K" was one of the few guys who first pursued me.

At that memorable Christmas party, I realized how much he had been taking notes during our conversations in passing while at work. And when he asked me to dance, I didn't have to worry about trying to two-step, I just floated across the dance floor. And we laughed. "K" was always game for a good laugh. That night just seemed to be the beginning of something really good. And yet, somewhere a long the way everything fell flat.

I can't help thinking that somehow he holds the key to why all my relationships go wrong. I know that a lot of it is the residual fallout of the guy before him, but "K" was the only decent prospect in a continuous stream of really bad choices. They've gotten a lot worse as the years have gone on. He was probably one of the few really smart choices I've made, and yet, I feel like I blew it!

I really want to call him! I want to know how he's doing, what he's up to. Is he married? Children? I know he'd make a wonderful husband and father. I don't want to interfere in his life or cause trouble, but I just want to check in on him. I have no expectations that we will meet and fall for each other again. So many years have passed and I'm sure we are different people now. But, I can't help but be curious, plus I really would like answers to where I went wrong. Are my suspicions about my part in it correct?

~~~

Rereading this I wonder if some relationships consist of just one perfect moment. I dated a guy a few years ago and we had the most awesome first date! It was fun and romantic, but the rest of the relationship paled in comparison. We never really topped that first night.

Was my relationship with "K" the same? Were we always trying to recreate the magic of that Christmas party and inevitably falling short? Hmmm.

The best laid plans....

Today was rather interesting. First of all, I didn't get any sleep the night before. The past few weeks have been rather messed up and full of "change"- something that cats don't really appreciate. So, my "problem kitty" decided that she's had enough and has spent the past few days (and nights) telling me all about it and then peeing on every horizontal surface for extra emphasis!

So, today I finally took her to the vet. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, was sleep deprived and ready to take my family's advice (finally) and drop her off at the pound! But, I relented and had her checked out. Turns out she has anxiety and was given Valium to help her calm down.

Where's mine? I could use some too! Especially since I have to deal with her and worry about pissing off the neighbors and getting evicted because she's being obnoxious. And I get to spend my "free time" rewashing my bedding and half my clothes because she's "marked" everything!

~~~

While on my way to class tonight I received a TM from one of the married guys- "S." He lives in another state and his wife found my number on his cell phone bill! He asked me to not contact him again and cover for him if she calls to investigate further (he made up some BS story about how I'm a cousin or something). Oopsy!

Okay, first of all- this is not my problem! He initially contacted me and he's the dumbass who didn't cover his tracks better or acted weird enough to make her suspicious. It's kind of funny though, because his weird schedule and unavailability was making him just not worth the effort. It's not like we will ever meet in person and we had zero in common. The conversations were really dull!

Anyway, why should I cover for him? He's a moron who got caught! I think it's kind of funny actually that he was this stupid. The other night we were talking on the phone when he had to let me go real quick because she was calling him.

I'm sure I won't pick up if she calls- I never answer calls from numbers I don't recognize- especially from out of state... Lucky for him I think.

~~~
I got more information about the potential job overseas. I'm going to pass. The more I learned, the more I realized that it's not the right time for me or for them for me to go further in the process. They need someone now and I'm still in school. If I take a pass now (will have to), I may have to start on the groundfloor and work my way up. As I told the professor who had recommended me- I'm done doing that! So many of my jobs have been entry-level that led absolutely no where! So, I need to email him back all of this.

It was actually a good moment for me in that I realized that where I am career-wise is right where I want to be. I'm not willing to make a change from what I'm doing now. Yes, I'm interested in seeing what else is out there, but it's going to have to be something really awesome for me to walk away from what I've currently doing.

My professor kept asking me what I want to do with my degree, and I've not really thought that far ahead, but it is a valid question that I need to find the answer to within the next 3 months.

~~~

Now that the valium has kicked in (for the cat), I should try to get some sleep.

I'm done settling...

Okay, tomorrow starts a new year in my life and I've made a decision. I'm tired of settling! I'm tired of getting only crumbs from the guys I meet and settling for less than I deserve in my career and other parts of my life.

I had an Aha moment last night and again this afternoon. Last night I realized that once again, I will be dateless and sexless on my Birthday. Then this afternoon, as I'm trying to convey to my instructor why my resume sucks and why it's taken me 18 years to achieve a single bachelor's degree, he commented that I've really sold myself short in the past. Ouch!

but, he's right! Painful as it is to admit.

So, I deleted all the married guys and the Bi guy from my IM and Cell contact information. I'm just tired of their crap! I want more, deserve more, and refuse to waste my time on these guys any longer! I''m really proud of myself for doing this- it's a huge step for me! I'm sad that I've wasted so many years on guys who were sooo not worth my time and attention, but it's just what I had to go through to get where I am today, which is stronger and more confident and more independent. They also helped me realize what I didn't want and also helped me see what was lacking.

As for my jobs... that's tougher to solve. Basically I need to concentrate on finishing this semester and keep making contacts and networking. I also need to really work on doing a good job with my internship.



My professor suggested I continue on and work on a Master's degree and even look at a Graduate teaching position. What it boils down to is that I'm not right for this job, which is okay. The more I learned, the more I was questioning it anyway.

This experience has taught me that I really like what I'm doing now. It reaffirmed that I'm where I should be. I want to be open to any offers, of course, but this is really feeling right to me right now.

Now it's just a matter of timing and learning to juggle everything so I can give this job the focus and attention that it deserves.

Why can't this be easier?

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I have a theory that the Universe/God (whatever higher power term works for you) has a really sick sense of humor. I guess the fact that life is hard is a part of that overall attitude. I know it's all apart of the ebb and flow of life, you struggle so you can appreciate the days when there is nothing going on and things all just fall into place effortlessly.

I'm really pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to handle 2 jobs and school and meanwhile I have to put up with politics, ego trips, people who won't say what they mean/think, and just general bullshit. I'm getting really tired of it! I'm sooo not an brown-noser and it's kind of what is expected/ required at the moment and I just refuse! It's not a part of my DNA to be that way and I'm not going to start now. People really need to grow up and look at the big picture and realize that it's not all about them!

Meanwhile, I have no time to date, to go out and meet anyone and yet, the relationships I do have are all becoming very dysfunctional and unsatisfying. Basically they want me to be there for them when they want and vice versa and it's just not working. Neither side wants to give any either because that would be too much like a real relationship and our stated "casual thing" is a way of avoiding having to deal with the crap of a real authentic connection.

I had a funny conversation tonight with one of these casual guys. He's bi-sexual and not shy about it. I'm okay with that and appreciate his honesty since I've known some guys in the past who probably played both sides of the court but didn't admit it. Anyway, he's all upset because his go to "guy" friend now has a girlfriend and has kicked him to the curb. He's kind of peeved about it and wanted to know if I knew of any other guys to set him up with! (Really didn't see that coming when I called him back this evening). Then he blows me off and I haven't heard from him since. Somehow this further confirms my suspicions that he's more "gay" than "Bi."

Hmmm. Maybe I'm just getting bored and want more? Something more permanent, stable, predictable, etc. Maybe I'm outgrowing all this juvenile bullshit? Part of me feels ready to be in a relationship and part of me looks around and sees all the unhappy couples and miserable married people, and I think "No Thanks."

I guess I don't have to decide today, right? Recently a 64 year old man told me that it took him 60 years and two failed marriages to finally meet the true love of his life. I'm really happy for him since I know all the drama he has been through (I'm friends with his daughter), and he and his "true love" are so sickeningly happy. It just makes you smile and hope to find something like that some day.

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This weekend was a lot of fun. I spent time with all my best friends and my family to celebrate my Birthday. I really wasn't expecting anything since I've been so caught up in my own life and have had to put all my peeps on the back burner. Plus my financial situation has made me not the greatest reciprocator and I've even forgotten Birthdays this year! I NEVER do that! Anyway, it was very nice that all these people love me anyway and know that I'm just "in a phase."

I got some new clothes and a new vacuum cleaner! Plus there was lots of good food and cake!

All in all, a wonderful weekend.

What's Beautiful?

Sorry, this blog is in dire need of some artistic inspiration! I've been so preoccupied with my man dramas and life crisises that I've been holding out on my loyal readership! All one of you- if you are still reading.

How do you define beautiful? This came up tonight in a meeting to discuss revitalizing our downtown neighborhood. How do we determine what is acceptable? How do we convince business owners to clean up their property? Do we make money available to them to help in this task? Do we set standards for frontage, signage, etc. and force landowners to comply? And, how do we define all of this? Do we want to go for sterile, cookie-cutter or is some eclecticism okay? I got into a debate with a board member one day about this. One of the businesses across the street from his has a hand painted building. It has a wild mural on the side and is brightly painted to draw attention and decorate the rather plain brick building. The board member finds this absolutely distasteful whereas I find it cool, fun and charming. I think it adds a unique element to the neighborhood. Where their building doesn't have cool architectural detail, they've added their own, through paint!

My approach to all things aesthetic is the same way. I like offbeat, quirky, unique things. Most of the men I've found attractive weren't conventionally handsome either. Most have some outstanding, quirky feature, whether it's a big nose, Dumbo ears, etc. Many times, I failed to notice these "flaws" until someone else "kindly" pointed them out to me.

That's what I like about things in nature, such as the flowers pictured above. From a distance, they all look the same, but up close, the little idiosyncrasies reveal themselves.

~~~

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Final Friday next week- seriously, where did August go? I have a couple of friends who are having shows and I've missed doing the Crawl for a couple of months. Hopefully the weather will cooperate.


Here are links to local artists that I have seen recently. http://leeshiney.com/ and http://stephanielondon.com/.

The above photographs were found on 37 Signals' website. I found them absolutely beautiful! They are pictures of Orchid Mantis plants.

~~~

It's one week until my Birthday. I've been so busy, that I've nearly forgotten! I need to make a plan to celebrate with friends and sit down and do my "year in review" that I perform every year. Rather than be like everyone else and do the navel gazing and existential thinking on New Year's Day (usually too hungover), I prefer to do it on my Birthday. It seems more natural to ponder the past year and tally achievements and set goals for the coming year at that time.

With school starting in a couple of days though, I've just been too busy! I've had to scrap the whole "Sweet 16 Part deux" idea since I don't have time to clean or do laundry let alone host a party! But, I was reminded that 37 is the first irregular prime number while watching tv over the weekend, so... maybe I should wait and throw myself a big bash next year. That could be fun.

Talking to "V" has made me realize how out of balance my life has become once again. I haven't had time to even think about dating, let alone anything fun for a while now. As I look at my schedule once school starts and think about how I'm going to work work in around school, there is little time left for fun or even studying! But, it's just a few more months. Sigh...

It's gonna be worth it in the end, right? I kind of feel like the guy from that commercial "Time to make the donuts..."

Only Five More!

I'm kind of excited! I finished my 2 week class on Friday and I realized that I only have 5 more classes to go! Wow. Five. I'm almost there. I can see the finish line!

To finish my class I had to write a paper and needed to interview someone for the paper. Everyone on my short list of who to interview was unavailable last minute to help me out! So, I'm facing the 10 point deficit of a letter grade jump and happened to run into my latest crush at work. Bingo! So I emailed him. Being such a nice guy, he came through for me. So, now I owe him big time and told him so. We'll see what comes of this, if anything.

~~~

If you haven't figured out, work has been kind of insane and then combined with the 2 week class, I barely had time to sleep, let alone blog or anything else fun like that. So I haven't even been flirting with my guys! Kind of shut off that part of my brain for awhile to focus on other things. If I didn't work with "J" then I wouldn't flirt with him either! But work is waaay more fun now, of course.

So, I was surprised to get a call from my chat buddy last week. Haven't talked to him since an ill-fated encounter about 6 weeks ago, when I went to his house to meet him in person. He was acting weird so I just left, totally confused as to why he invited me over and really disappointed that carrying our phone friendship into real life really ruined a beautiful thing! Anyway, "V" and I have been talking more and got the whole misunderstanding worked out. As a bonus, we may get to combine business with pleasure as he works in ad sales and is developing a quote for me! Apparently he has missed our phone relationship as well!

Also last week, I had a meeting with our local newspaper about working on PR for a client. One of the editors was flirting with me I think??? He freaked me out and embarrassed me! This has been happening a lot actually. My name is getting out"there" somehow and I don't know how or what exactly the message is saying. I've really tried hard to network the past few months, but this is a bit overwhelming.

Speaking of networking, last week (yes it was insanely busy!) a former instructor contacted me about a job opportunity overseas. I gave him my resume to review and submit to the parties involved (also former students). It would involve relocating to Dubai. How awesome would that be? I haven't heard anything, so I need to follow up with Dr. D. this week and find out more.

~~~~

So, I'm hoping to figure out how to juggle both jobs and school. Especially since the semester starts later this week!

This will be challenging since one job is only supposed to be 8-10 hours a week and has doubled where the other job is supposed to be around 30 hours a week!

~~~

But, I keep telling myself, 4 months, 5 classes and then I'm done!

It's Friday and I have beer- life is good once again

Sorry about the depressing post yesterday. It was one of those days when everything seemed to conspired against me. Which always seems to happen during the time of the month when I'm feeling the most vulnerable, emotional and least capable of dealing with stress!

Not that today was any better really, but my coping skills were better. Either that, or I've just given up!

I was worried that my electricity would get shut off which would cause me to get evicted and then I was worried that I would be asked to resign (or get fired) from my new job because I've missed deadlines. As usual, my fears were unjustified. All is fine now.

~~~
Today I got to spend time with my brother's family rather unexpectedly. My 5 day old nephew had to be checked out by his Pediatrician and as they were preparing to leave, the car wouldn't start. My sister-in-law called me crying because she was stranded with two toddlers and a newborn in the heat of the day. So, I rushed across town to take them all to McDonald's for lunch and wait for my brother to arrive and check out the situation. It's amazing how attached the toddlers are to their mom. We had a meltdown in the car when we ran an errand just me and the kids.

All I can say is that it was fun to spend quality time with them, but geez, they once again reinforced my opinion that motherhood isn't my thing!
~~~~

Wow, I haven't had any artistic posts on here for awhile. Hopefully tomorrow...

Having No Money is Not Money

Cash, payola, dinero, greenbacks, well however you say it- I have none. I've actually had very little money for a long time now (like 3 years!). So, you think I'd get used to being broke, never quite getting ahead, not being able to afford to do fun stuff (go to KC for the weekend) or necessary stuff (dental checkups and oil changes), but I don't. It doesn't get easier. I hate feeling guilty for rationing the cat food, asking friends and family for loans that I have no clue when I'll be able to pay back and stressing about whether or not I'll get evicted, lose my electricity or have enough gas money to make it to work and back tomorrow. It's really not cool!

I know that this situation is only temporary. When I graduate in December, I'll hopefully get a steady, better paying job (and probably a 2nd job for the time being as well) and life will get easier. But, it's getting over the hump. I can see the horizon, but this last hill seems really steep! Like right now, I owe $1200 to the University for summer school. Until I pay that, I can't enroll in fall classes that start in 10 days! This has probably also impacted my ability to enroll in the Coop program through my internship job. It really sucks!!!

My financial situation is impacting how I view my future career prospects as well. Rather than choosing a job that I love and that will be fulfilling, I'm tempted to take the job that will be not as creative and fun but will pay a lot more money and have way better benefits.

The situation the past 3 years has also impacted my relationships with family and friends. They are tired of constantly bailing me out without a clear idea of when they will see a return on their investments. I really don't blame them- I'm not sure I'm much better than throwing money out the window most days.

As I contemplate my future though, I realize that I need to get a handle on this problem and try to improve my relationship with money and budgeting skills in order to avoid being here again. I'm not a fan of Ramen noodles, and that's about all I've eaten for the past month! I need to do this in order to make me feel better about myself and to repair my strained relationships. Plus, really, who wants to date a broke 36 year old woman? Certainly not the successful, got their shit together guys I hope to meet!

The key thing I've learned over the past 3 years is how much we tie our identity to our possessions. We create an image of who we think we are or how we want people to see us by what we own and bankrupt ourselves in the process! We never really "get it" that no amount of things will make us happy, that the happiness we seek is to be found elsewhere and not at the mall or on ebay!

I realize how much money I frivolously spent in the past trying to make myself feel better about my crappy job, etc. Haven't we all been guilty of Retail Therapy? Giving away all the Partylite candles and music cd's and dvd videos made me somewhat sad, but ultimately I really don't miss them. Honestly the sadness was more about the lost money and not the lost things.

Sorry for the downer post- just feeling kinda down today. I feel stuck and hate feeling this way, especially when I can almost slip out of the ties that are keeping me down... I want to break free, and move on to bigger and better things, but I just can't seem to get there!

Okay, I'm hopeful that my next post will be a bit more uplifting and entertaining!

The Great Conundrum...

What to do, what to do... I keep getting leads on jobs that will require me to relocate overseas. This excites me to no end! It reminds me of the Dr Seuss book "Oh the places you'll go!" Anyway, after the initial excitement wears off, then reality sets in...

My mind start spinning with the endless track of questions and arguments: Will I get homesick? Will it totally suck being so far from family and friends? Especially when multiple time zones are involved? Lord knows I'm not the most independent person, so this really is a major consideration. And then there is the job situation I have here. I'm so excited to see the end results of the non-profit I work for. I want to see what happens and be there to help it along and celebrate the successes, but this isn't as possible if I'm not living here! And then, my internship is with an awesome company! I'm kind of overwhelmed at how they've just thrown me the baton to run with it so quickly- no making copies and coffee with this company, and I'd love to see what happens with that option as well.... Arrggh!

And then, what about my love life? My latest crush is kinda showing interest in me too- what happens then? He's an AWESOME guy as far as I can tell so far and I really want to learn more, but how if I'm preparing to move to far far away?

Finally, what about my cats? Do pets get passports? Are they quarantined? How does that all work? I'd really miss my girls- especially if I have to leave everyone else...

~~~

I heard from the married guy- okay to clarify we will refer to him as "P" from now on. He IM'd me last week just to "check in." Which in guy speak means he's checking to see if I'm still available/interested. He was preparing to leave on a biz trip again and wanted to see if I'd be available to chat. As much as I enjoy chatting though, I want more! It just makes me sad that he is content with things as they are. There is potential for sooo much more and yet, he hesitates. I want to tell him to save all the flirting for the one woman who should be getting it- his wife, but I don't. I wish I could tell him to leave me alone until he makes up his mind and leaves his wife, but I don't. As I've done so many times in the past, I take the crumbs that I'm thrown and try to placate myself with what little I get. I don't think this will last much longer...

Anyway, "P" is trying to talk me out of the latest overseas opportunity that has come up. He keeps pointing out all the negatives- it's an Arab country, so in a way, he's helping me be realistic at what all I will have to contend there as far as the cultural differences, but still. It's an awesome opportunity I think. I'll know more next week after I visit with my contact who has been consulting with the principles of the venture.

Funnily enough the other married guy- the one who offered me money to pay my bills has been MIA. I think he finally got the hint. Not that I miss him or anything.

I've recently started talking to another married man (yes, even I agree that this is ridiculous) who lives in another state. He's pretty cool and cracks me up. We will call him "S." Again unhappily married, but I get the impression that he lives a pretty sheltered life. Very small town in attitude and ideas. Not that that's a bad thing, but it kind of clashes with my worldly view.

~~~

I did some number crunching today and it appears that I should be able to graduate in December! Yay!! That is if I can scrape the money together in the next 10 days to pay tuition that I owe. I was really excited to figure that out... I was getting depressed that I would have to go another semester and wait until May.

~~~

I became an aunt again this week! My nephew was born on Monday evening. I got to go visit him yesterday before he was dismissed. As much as I think he's adorable and I can't wait to spoil him and his older sisters, he helps confirm my suspicions that I really can't deal with having kids of my own. I just don't think I have the patience, the mettle, or the stamina to deal with all of that 24/7. Kinda like going to the farm- nice place to visit, but really don't wanna live there!

~~~

Well, my procrastination from studying and work has lasted long enough! I don't think that "S" is gonna call tonight after all. What an ass! It's his turn to call me and I'm hating that my TM minutes are depleting rapidly....

If my ideal man exists, this is what he'd look like

Another blogger has tried this, and I decided to give it a whirl myself. The following "wish list" for my ideal man was written on January 20, 2002 in my diary. Not much about the list has changed- but there are a couple of things that I would add today (noted at the end of the post). Sooo, dear friends, if you know of someone who roughly fits this description, please send him my way!

~~~

My ideal man: taller than me, funny, smart, witty, fun to be with, kind, optimistic yet realistic, successful or at least well on his way to being that way. Well-read, yet preferably not a sci-fi fan, or more Grisham than King. Someone who loves sports, movies and music, but whose life does not revolve around them. Someone who loves life and the wonderful things and people in it. Someone who has respect for a higher power and women as well. Someone who can be a guy with the guys and a gentleman the rest of the time. A great conversationalist and a great listener. Someone with soulful eyes with a wicked glint and a smile that lights up a room. Someone who likes to make the scene but loves to spend the weekend vegging in bed as well, maybe even more. Someone who is driven to succeed as well as to learn and who also supports me in things that are important to me. Someone who is athletic and who cares about his body, but not too much. A man who worships me (though not blindly) and adores my goofiness and loves me flaws and all. Someone who loves to laugh- a lot!

Someone who loves his family and who wants a family of his own. Someone who wants to be an equal partner in a relationship, who understands that relationships take work every day and someone who is committed to making it work rather than just walk away. Someone who is strong and capable of handling "man things" but is man enough to admit when he doesn't know something and asks for help.

Someone who is unselfish in bed and willing to experiment and keep things fun. Someone to whom work is not life and who wants to be a good dad. A man who is not afraid of emotion, his or anyone else's, is not afraid to say he's sorry, but isn't a spineless blubbery wimp either. Someone who drinks in moderation and does not smoke.

Someone who is very neat and loves a clean house but is not afraid to clean it! A man who understands that sometimes I just want to be alone and do my own thing and other times I just want to be held. Someone who appreciates that I am picky and is flattered to have met my standards and who is willing to rise up to them. Someone who calls me on the carpet when I get too bossy or demanding.

To this list I will also add: someone who doesn't do drugs, is honest, well-groomed and clean. And someone who is generous with his time, money, attention and affection and someone willing to share and who plays well with others.