tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64116273390450086902024-03-14T01:51:53.282-05:00Blogging Over BeerMiss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-64453424497933640242009-05-04T13:45:00.004-05:002009-05-04T14:10:50.230-05:00Random Happenings in Art and Life<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_1oY5VJJY8Iw/Sf89ClTqVuI/AAAAAAAAADs/Fsl9KEmfWkQ/s1600-h/010_nag_detail.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332047598413567714" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_1oY5VJJY8Iw/Sf89ClTqVuI/AAAAAAAAADs/Fsl9KEmfWkQ/s200/010_nag_detail.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Isn't amazing how one random happening can change the whole course of your day? Like you oversleep and find out later that you missed a huge traffic tie-up on Kellogg. Or you decide at the last minute to drop into a local store only to find the exact thing you've been looking for, and <em>on sale</em>!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Well, I love when life happens like that. One day recently took an unexpected turn for the better. Due to an unexpected change in plans, I ended up stopping by the neighborhood watering hole on the way home from running an errand that managed to take all afternoon. I was tired and hadn't eaten all day, so I decided I wanted one of the establishment's famous burgers and an ice cold beer to go with it. On beer number 2 (it was that kind of a day), I struck up conversation with the guy sitting next to me. It turns out that he and I are neighbors and we really hit it off!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I really didn't see this happening. But, "C" is really cool! We ended up having a really great time the rest of the night. And he agreed that he'd like to hang out again some time.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>So, we'll see what happens. He's moving out of state in a few months and I'm not really ready for a relationship, but I think that we should definitely hang out and have fun while he's here. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Here is a <a href="http://www.dirtycarart.com/">link </a>to some random and cool art that I stumbled upon while reading an article on Mental Floss' <a href="http://www.mentalfloss.com/">website</a>. I can't believe the detail that Scott Wade achieves on such a tricky medium! Also the photo at the top of this post is a detailed photo of one of his works. Sure beats someone writing "Wash Me" on your car!</div><div> </div><div> </div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-49506234940207626112009-05-03T00:09:00.002-05:002009-05-03T00:22:04.987-05:00Really Sick or just faking?This week on The Today Show with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb, they were debating whether it's okay to call in sick when you really just need a day off. Their exchange created a great debate on their Facebook page and got me thinking. Is it really okay? I just assumed that everyone does this now and then, but maybe I'm wrong. Apparently there are people out there (or maybe just Kathie Lee playing Devil's Advocate) who would never dream of lying about being sick. <br /><br />These are also probably the same people who go to work when they are sick and expose everyone else. Swine Flu anyone? <br /><br />I must admit that I have claimed to be sick and stayed home from work even when I felt fine. Usually I did this when I was really exhausted from being overworked, stressed out, or just really tired for whatever reason. I do know someone who calls in sick sometimes when her boss stresses her out or really pisses her off, but I've never been that bold (or petty).<br /><br />One time I called in sick just to do laundry. Again I was stressed out and overwhelmed and well, I really need to do laundry. I've worn boxers and bikini bottoms as undies and pj pants as slacks to work before (and got away with it by the way), but sometimes you honestly have nothing clean and need to do something about it! <br /><br />For the most part, I try really hard to just be honest with my boss. I will go above and beyond to get things done, meet deadlines and all of that, but I also expect that by doing that, I will have some "slack" to take an afternoon off or something and not be penalized for it.<br /><br />Right now I'm so thankful just to have a job that I make myself go even when I don't feel like it. I'm still in my probation period so I need to have perfect attendance and so I have even gone to work sick (unfortunately).Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-40067109518171536422009-04-27T09:44:00.003-05:002009-04-27T10:19:24.688-05:00Confidence is keyIt's all about confidence. <br /><br />I've started waiting tables and although I'm still learning the menu and the questions to ask (would you like red sauce or cheese sauce on your enchiladas?), confidence will still get me a tip. Yesterday I was having a really bad day and managed to accidently throw 2 steak knives at a customer! Who knew wooden handles could be slippery? Anyway, I smiled and apologized my way through it and still got a tip. Not a great one, but still, they left me a couple of bucks.<br /><br />In a job interview confidence is definitely necessary. If you walk in there with any hint of hesitation, act like you think you don't belong or feel you are unworthy, then forget about it. You aren't going to get past that first interview. Sometimes this can be challenging. After being unemployed and broke for a long time, it's really difficult to shake off the air of desperation. But, it's absolutely essential because desperation hangs in the atmosphere like really bad cologne. I think that is why it is always easier to find a job when you already have one. You aren't desperate to find SOMETHING because you already have it. You can take it or leave it. So, my advice is to be sure and bathe in happy thoughts before you walk through the door. Confidence alone won't get you the job, but lack of confidence will definitely keep you from getting a job that you are otherwise qualified for. If you doubt that you are capable, you make the interviewer question whether you are capable as well. <br /><br />I think that confidence in dating is also important. If you feel unworthy of dating or don't love yourself, then you will either fail to attract anyone at all or you will attract people who don't love you either. That's where I'm at right now. I'm thinking about trying to dip my toe in the dating pool again. I'm sure it's because I'm feeling more optimistic about life right now. I'm still basically homeless and can't drive, but things are better than they were a couple of months ago. And guys are starting to check me out more and flirt more. Of course I'm surrounded by much younger guys at work, but the attention is nice. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with my increased confidence. I'm feeling better and probably looking better. But because I'm not where I want to be in my life, I feel like I should wait. See I wouldn't date a person who lives in their married friends' guest room and doesn't have a car, so I really don't want to date someone who would date me. I know that my situation is temporary, but I feel like I need to make more progress before I can feel confident in attracting the type of person I'm looking for. The difference being that now I feel more confident that I can get there. I will be that person again. <br /><br />One of my favorite people at work is this really young gay guy. He always tells me how beautiful I am and says he loves me. He has a boyfriend and I wouldn't date him even if he was straight, but he makes work fun. And the adoration is a definite confidence builder.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-23490538835720151602009-04-21T11:41:00.003-05:002009-04-21T11:57:00.760-05:00FearWhat are you afraid of? Spiders? Tornadoes? Death? There aren't many things that I can think of that I'm afraid of. Okay bees and wasps freak me out. I also have a fear of being alone at night that was mostly cured when I lived alone for 3 years. Before that I had too many freak incidents happen when my roommates were away that I had to sleep with the tv on and phone within arm's reach for a long time. But, on the flip side, I'm frequently described as incredibly brave. I've done things that those who know me would never, ever do. Like inviting a guy I've never met to come visit and stay at my house, or speed dating. One year for my New Year's resolution, I decided to do things that scared me. I decided that I was spending too much time in my comfort zone and needed to shake up the status quo in my life a bit. That year I created an online dating profile and tried speed dating. I had a blast. <br /><br />As I was taking a cab home the other night, a car accident forced a detour past a church with a sign out front that said something like "don't live life guided by fear." This really got me thinking about the brave things I've done in the past and how I've let my fears paralyze me in recent months. Many things that I was absolutely terrified of have come true. The great guy I was dating left me, I lost my apartment, my cat, and my ability to drive (temporarily). All of these things have happened because I was too terrified to take action to prevent them from happening. Okay, maybe not the break up, but the rest of them for sure. <br /><br />So I decided to sit down and think about what really scares me now. What am I afraid of now? And after I identify those things, I need to decide what actions to take to prevent them from becoming reality. I'm hopeful that this will prevent more nightmares from coming true in my life. <br /><br />Although the meaning on the sign at the church was that you should give your life over to God and not fear, I think that there can be wisdom found in it for those of us who are not ready to surrender control to a higher power and those who do not believe.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-50165441997382587842009-04-06T14:18:00.004-05:002009-04-06T14:41:33.659-05:00Can I just be happy for a moment?So far the week has started out quite well! Spent Sunday at the farm helping my niece celebrate her 3rd Birthday. The celebration was postponed due to the weather the weekend before. Lots of fun seeing the kids and my dad was civil. Difficult for him right now I know, but I'm thankful that he made the effort to not spoil every one's day.<br /><br />This morning I had an interview at a local restaurant for a server position. I've actually never technically worked as a server, but I managed to talk myself into the interview and got the job! Okay, they hired me as hostess and server trainee but still. I Got a Job people! Yippee!<br /><br />So I called my sister to let her know and she can't let me be happy for even one moment. She just reminds me that I'll need to work 2 jobs in order to get back on my feet financially. Like duh! As if I did not know this already. I'm living with my extremely generous bff and her family because I'm homeless and I printed off the bus schedules yesterday so I can figure out how to get to and from my job since it's too far to walk. Yeah I'm completely oblivious to my situation here.<br /><br />I understand that it's probably difficult for those around me to be supportive and I'm sure they can't comprehend what I'm going through right now but I'm always so there for everyone else. I bust my ass to be their biggest supporter and cheerleader and once in awhile it would be nice to have a little in return.<br /><br />No this job isn't quite my dream job. I didn't spend 3 years at WSU to be a greeter or serve people chips and salsa all day, but it's still a job. It's a small step in the right direction. Can't that be enough, for at least today?<br /><br />Okay enough ranting...<br /><br />I was pleased and slightly embarrassed to discover that my humble ramblings have been noticed by <a href="http://www.douglasandmain.com/">Douglasandmain</a>. Writing this blog is a lot like writing in my diary. I write it for my friends to know what I'm going through, but I don't really think about other people reading it. Since I've tried really hard to be anonymous, I cringe to think of who might know who I am. Especially when I think about some posts from last Summer. Anyway, the recognition made me thankful that I've concealed the identity of others mentioned here. I write my thoughts and feelings rather unconsciously and would hate to be sued for defamation or something.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-1386430678306398792009-04-01T16:16:00.004-05:002009-04-01T16:28:35.903-05:00Will Work for FoodOkay, I'm not quite ready to stand out on the street corner with my cardboard sign, but I will say that job hunting is really frustrating right now. The constant rejection makes me doubt that I have any talent at all and wonder how I ever found a decent job in the first place.<br /><br />Then I realize that I do have talents and wonder how I can get paid for them. No, don't come looking for me on Broadway... mind out of the gutter people!<br /><br />See, I know that I can write decently. Maybe you've read other posts and disagree, but I've written some decent articles/reports/papers at school and in my working life and received praise for them. So I've been researching this and yet I realize that I'm a very small fish in a large and overpopulated pond. Uggh. Kinda like the Wichita job market right now.<br /><br />I'm also contemplating applying for a job in my hometown. This would entail moving back home with the parents and likely working with a not-exactly-my-favorite relative. I'm worried that this could cause me to become near suicidal, but also realize that such a step may help me get back on my feet faster. What to do, what to do.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-49787052696209675322009-03-30T13:28:00.003-05:002009-03-30T13:49:22.528-05:00Prayers for the Easter BunnyLast weekend (the one before the Blizzard), I went to church with the parents. This is something I generally try to avoid at all costs. I actually hadn't been since 2 Christmases ago. For many years I tried faking it and just getting through it, but eventually I became less concerned with trying to make my mom happy and just dropped the charade.<br /><br />Holidays are still kinda tricky though since attending church is deeply ingrained in our family celebrations. Being unmarried/uncoupled also takes away the "conflicting plans" excuse. Because of this and because I've come to view attending Mass as a "free" gift to my parents, I will occasionally attend on a holiday.<br /><br />So I'm sitting in the sanctuary and all is well when the priest starts his sermon about finding the light in the darkness of the world. Suddenly the waterworks start flowing! People I started bawling! In church! I was sooo embarrassed and confused. Where did this come from? I successfully hid it from my parents (thank you seasonal allergies), but I'm sure those sitting around me caught on. I haven't cried like that in a church since my former bff's mom's funeral a year ago!<br /><br />After much reflection though I figured it out. See, I don't have anything against people who go to church. If it works for you, then I am happy for you. And actually I'm a bit jealous. I quit going because I realize that for me, praying to God is just like praying to the Easter Bunny. There is just no meaning there for me.<br /><br />As much as I wish that I could see God as a beacon of light in the darkness (boy could I use some candle light in the cave right now), I just see him as a mythical icon like Santa or the Tooth Fairy invented to discipline children and control adults (those who no longer believe in Santa).<br /><br />Yes, I agree that there are mysteries that cannot be explained and that there is a rhyme and rhythm to the Universe, but that all was created by some white haired guy sitting in the clouds? Not so much.<br /><br />But, rather than mocking. I really wish I did believe. I wish that saying the prayers I learned in childhood meant more to me than as if I was reciting the alphabet. I wish that I could find comfort in sitting in the pew on Sunday. Some days I do, but most days I don't. I feel uncomfortable as if I'd showed up naked or interrupted something.<br /><br />I wish I could get the warm fuzzy or sense of calm and well-being that most people probably feel by being there. The sense of community- that would be nice too.<br /><br />That is why I cried. I cried because I wish I felt something that I don't. Kind of like when you go out on a date with a really great person, but don't feel that "spark" that makes you want to see them again.<br /><br />Maybe I'll find my way back to church and to God, but right now I'm sad.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-2884615745151365322009-03-11T07:34:00.003-05:002009-03-11T08:07:56.187-05:00Scenes from a MarriageNo dear readers, I didn't go and get married! Actually, lately I'm really questioning whether that is a wise decision ever! See with my current living situation I get to be sort of a fly on the wall and get a unique perspective on marriage and family life.<br /><br /><br /><br />Over the years I've witnessed it as a dinner guest or at one of the kids' birthday parties, but living here day to day is rather amazing and not really in a good way. I'm blown away at the amount of ugliness that occurs in the day to day happenings of a marriage. I guess the tiny resentments over running a household and the general living together pet peeves build over time and result in the ugly spewing of insults and baited barbs for the most mundane of reasons.<br /><br /><br /><br />Most days I try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. I lay in bed awake and wait until they are all gone before I dare try to go to the bathroom. I use the excuse that I want to stay out of their way and not cause them to be late for their day, but the truth is I just want to avoid getting yelled at myself.<br /><br /><br /><br />To be fair to my hosts, not every day is this ugly, but I'm amazed at how many are. This morning as I was preparing to write this the song "Hit me with your best shot" came on the radio. I had to laugh. No, these people don't throw punches, just mud, but it's still painful to witness most days.<br /><br /><br /><br />One day my bff was venting about her dear husband and was complaining about how he wanted to pick a fight. I was surprised that she was surprised at this. So, I reminded her about how they've been arguing since the day they first met, so why would now be any different? She had to laugh at the memory and agreed that I had a good point.<br /><br /><br /><br />Living through this reminds me of how "M" and I never argued. When we had a disagreement, we would sit down and discuss it rather than yell. He was adamant that he was not a fan of yelling and I'm not either so we made it a priority to work through things in a civil manner. But now I wonder how many things we didn't discuss, how many frustrations he kept to himself. Most of all I wonder if he finally realized that the relationship with me wasn't worth fighting for and just walked away. Sometimes maybe a good fight really is a good thing.<br /><br /><br /><br />The relationship with a I dated last summer was the complete opposite. We rarely had a conversation that didn't end in an argument. It was incredibly frustrating at how frequently misunderstandings occurred. It was like I would say "blue" and he thought I said "red" and then it was on. Finally I just got tired of it all. One day we were IM'ing and he was trying to pick a fight. I wasn't in the mood and he kept trying to bait me. I asked him point blank if he ever got tired of fighting. He refused to answer the question and kept on pushing my buttons. When I repeated the question and still didn't get an answer, I finally told him I was done and walked away. I realized that the relationship would always be like this and the good stuff wasn't worth putting up with the bad.<br /><br /><br /><br />For now I'm just going to try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire and see what lessons can be learned from this unique perspective on marriage.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-44704752946862047152009-03-09T18:37:00.002-05:002009-03-09T18:43:07.179-05:00What will they think of next?I just had to share this <a href="http://http//www.didntyouhear.com/2009/02/19/obama-tastes-like-fish/">link</a>. Very strange. I love sushi and all, but really don't think I could eat this. Just too creepy.<br /><br />Yesterday I enjoyed a nice afternoon with the family I'm staying with. I discovered that their neighbor has a dog who looks just like "M's" dog but with brown spots instead of black ones. Seeing the dog made me sad.<br /><br />Tonight I'm excited to spend time with my cat. While I'm technically homeless, my cat is staying with my sister. Since my sister just left on vacation, it gave me a good excuse to spend some quality time with "my girl." She has been very excited to have me around to love on her.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-79567523922001630632009-03-07T11:36:00.002-06:002009-03-07T12:11:57.500-06:00The end of "M"?After my previous post about "M" and the breakup, he contacted me. It was great to hear from him and get clarification about his reasons and thought process. <br /><br />For the record: there wasn't another woman. <br /><br />But, hearing from him also made me incredibly sad and then angry. Although I enjoyed his emails, it was frustrating because I wanted more! I wanted to see him, snuggle with him and listen to him talk about his day or tell a funny story about his dog, not read it online while at work. It was almost as if he regretted breaking up with me, but we're still broken up, so obviously he didn't come begging me to take him back. <br /><br />So, after a few days of this, I just quit emailing him. I was too angry and needed time to process my thoughts. Plus, I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him right now. So, I need to allow him to move on and find someone else.<br /><br />In the meantime, my bff and I talked a lot about the stuff I learned from "M" and she was initially optimistic that we would eventually reconcile. What I didn't count on was that when I reached the anger phase she took his side! She stuck up for him! That REALLY pissed me off! But, deep down I knew she was right and that he did the right thing, but at that moment, wow I was hurt.<br /><br />Now the silence is deafening. As much as I know he needs to move on and I'm trying to stay busy picking up the pieces of the Tornado Aftermath that my life has recently become, I feel like I need him more than ever. He was quickly becoming one of my best friends and I really need my friends right now.<br /><br />But, I know that he has his reasons for staying away and although I don't necessarily agree with him, it's okay. I really can't blame him. Nothing has really changed. The reasons he left are still there, probably more so than they were a few months ago. I'm not making the progress that he probably hoped I would.<br /><br />I still dream about him pretty frequently. I dream that I run into him at the grocery store and things like that. The other night I dreamt that I found his dog wandering the streets like he had gotten loose and ran off while out for a walk. I called "M" and he then contacted his girlfriend who was taking care of the dog for him. Yes people, even in my dream I'm a realist. Some would say that I'm a pessimist, but I prefer the term "Realistic Optimist."<br /><br />So, for now this is the last post about "M." I don't see things changing in the short term. I miss him, but I know that his life is probably better without me in it right now. As much as I wholeheartedly agree with the saying "the people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least," I know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself and that I have to accept his decision like it or not.<br /><br />As much as I wanted to agree with my bff and hope for a future reconciliation, I just can't allow myself to go there. Okay sometimes I dream about it, but the dreams are always a couple of years from now. <br /><br />The reason I can't is because there was once another guy who cared about me and walked away because he got tired of waiting for me to grow up. When we met I had just gotten out of a long term relationship so all I wanted to do was go out and party and flirt and have fun. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but fell for him anyway. Because we worked together the relationship was very short lived but we became really great friends. I always knew that "A" and I would get back together. It just seemed destined to happen. We stayed in touch over the years and always talked about getting together for a beer or whatever, but we never did. The timing was always off. He would call me and I was dating someone. Months later I would email him and he was dating someone. We went on like this for several years! Then a few years passed without talking. He was going through some stuff so I gave him time and space to deal with what he was going through then I decided to call him. He was surprised to hear from me after all that time and explained that he had gotten married a few months earlier! I was absolutely devastated. My dreams of "A" were shattered. It took me a really long time to get over that. I had so many things I regretted. I regretted all the times I should have called, that I should have been there for him. Had I stepped up and not been afraid then perhaps things would have turned out differently. <br /><br />As much as I kind of hope that "M" is secretly pining away for me and waiting for me to get my shit together, my sincere hope is that he finds the happiness he deserves. I want that for him more than anything. I want him to be happy and with someone who treats him well and spoils him rotten. As my bff says "he's a GOOD man." He really, really is and I hope that he finds someone who agrees and shows him every day how grateful she is to find him.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-348005463609772762009-03-06T15:11:00.003-06:002009-03-06T15:31:11.542-06:00The Cost of Being UninsuredWe hear on the news a lot about the rising number of people who are uninsured. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be without health insurance? I never really thought about it until I was laid off nearly 4 years ago and could no longer afford my premiums.<br /><br />Since then I've learned to become a better consumer of health care and had to learn to live without a lot of things I once considered necessities. <br /><br />Recently it's become more frustrating to be uninsured. A couple of years ago my doctor and I discussed a procedure that she thinks would be helpful to discovering why I've been having trouble regulating my medications. The procedure would cost $1200. Because of that, I still haven't had it.<br /><br />On Valentine's Day I ended up at the Immediate Care clinic. I was sooo sick but had put off going to the doctor thinking it was a virus, that I would get better in a few days. Unfortunately I just kept getting worse. It all started the weekend before when I had trouble swallowing. As the doctor who treated me explained, had I gone to visit her then, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. I had a pretty high fever, could hardly walk and was just miserable. Turns out I had strep throat. It cost me $25 just to say hello, not counting the cost of the lab work to diagnose me and the $25 prescription they recommended. A week and a half later, I wasn't doing much better. So I called my doctor and they prescribed another antibiotic. I called the pharmacy to find out the cost and nearly fell over when they said it was $130! For five pills. My bff paid for it and thankfully I got better. I really couldn't afford not to. Shortly after I got sick my bff got sick. She too had to get a 2nd antibiotic to get over it. She was prescribed the same one I was. The difference being that with insurance her cost was $20 vs. the $130 that I paid. That just doesn't seem fair.<br /><br />It's been 4 1/2 years since I've seen the dentist. I have a cracked filling but so far the pain is intermittent. I'm going to wait to have it fixed until I can no longer chew on that side or until I get dental insurance, which ever comes first. Meantime, I've become fanatical about brushing and flossing. <br /><br />I've learned to live without my allergy medicince although in the past few days I'm realizing that I may have to find a way to afford it again. I'm not sure if it's the remnant of my illness or the early blooms of the season but I'm still kind of sniffly and sneezy.<br /><br />The really scary thing is that in the midst of strep throat and trying to move out of my apartment last month, I discovered a lump in my breast while showering one day. I've lost 20 pounds since December so at first I thought that it may be related to that. But, here it is 3 weeks later and the lump is still there. I'm absolutely terrified. Thankfully there isn't a history of breast cancer in my family and I'm fairly young for this, but. <br /><br />So, because I'm uninsured I'm going to wait and see and try not to think about it. I check it once in awhile to see if it is growing/shrinking/changing and unless it changes I'm just going to have to wait. I'm not a good waiter....<br /><br />Hopefully I find employment (and insurance!) soon.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-83196867184849168462009-03-06T11:39:00.003-06:002009-03-06T12:18:07.258-06:00What are you Selling?Today I had a couple of interviews for a management training program. I usually know when I walk out whether I have the job or not and today I wasn't sure, so I'm thinking that I didn't quite wow them.<br /><br />As I've been searching the web and the want ads trying to find SOMETHING that I'm not too overqualified for and SOMETHING that gets me excited, I find myself looking at sales jobs. And then I realize that I don't have the requisite 2-3 years experience that most of the entry level positions require.<br /><br />Then I think, "Wait a minute, I've got sales experience!" I've been selling myself, my ideas and my company (when I worked in HR) for a long time! Think about it.<br /><br />Isn't an interview really a Sales presentation? Isn't a first date also the same thing? You present your product/service (you, your interests/abilities/qualifications) and hope that your prospect will buy. <br /><br />Yesterday I attended a career fair on campus. It was humbling to note the number of fellow grads who were there doing the "Pick Me! Pick Me!" dance too. I realized that I am not the only one who is struggling.<br /><br />Finally I'm beginning to feel better. It's been a month of taking my meds as prescribed and eating healthier (no more just toast for lunch and dinner). I really allowed the dark clouds to get thick before I sought help.<br /><br />A few weeks ago I realized that things were getting bad when I found myself thinking about what I would wear for my funeral. Yes people, I was upset that I didn't have an appropriate outfit to wear when I'm dead. I quickly realized that most rational people do not think about these things. After all, aren't these decisions made without input from the deceased? Anyway, I want to be cremated so the outfit dilemma is really a moot point. So, as I talked myself through that, I realized that I hadn't been out of my apartment in days except to run to the mailbox or take the cat out for a quick sniff of the grass. So, I drove to my bff's house and she freaked out on me. She was really scared and upset because she had thought of stopping by to check on me but had been too busy.<br /><br />The bff and her husband offered to let me move in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet. They really wanted me to get out of the dark cave that my apartment had become and stay at a place where sleeping all day isn't allowed (they have small children) and there is someone around to check on me and keep me motivated. As much as I hated to impose, it really made a lot of sense. So, for the past few weeks I've been getting used to my new home and trying to establish a routine and set goals for my future.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-40501371828740568932009-01-26T15:49:00.002-06:002009-01-26T17:08:31.271-06:00Growing Pains<a href="http://images.teamsugar.com/files/usr/1/13839/growing_pains_dvd.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 351px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 454px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://images.teamsugar.com/files/usr/1/13839/growing_pains_dvd.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Last week I went to the Doctor to try to get my medications back on track and hopefully start feeling better. She lectured me about not taking care of myself and for neglecting to follow up with her last year like I was supposed to. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I realize that I need to start putting myself first again. I was really focused on that about a year and a half ago after I had a really severe panic attack. At the time I wasn't sure what happened and described it as a breakdown. Having had similar attacks since however, I realize what it truly was. It was a very scary time though, and I thought that I was losing it or dying or both. So many demands were being placed on me and I just couldn't cope. So, I withdrew from everything and everyone and just did what I absolutely had to and focused on relaxing. For a long time I felt like a fragile egg that might break at any moment. I had to tread carefully through life. Slowly I started feeling better though and was able to jump back in to work and school and life. It felt good. But in time, the old habits returned. Everyone else's needs and the demands of school and work took center stage and I just kept telling myself, tomorrow, okay tomorrow, next week, until here I am 6 months later and back where I was then.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I could feel myself slipping back there again in recent months. The clouds above me were getting darker and more ominous. So, I realized that the only way I'm going to get better is to take action.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I was finally able to sit down and make goals for the future. I'm excited at this seemingly simple task, but for a long time I had to focus on getting through one day at a time, one class at a time. I couldn't plan forward beyond the present day. So, for me to actually say that these things are what I want to accomplish this year is really kind of huge for me!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>What precipitated a lot of this is that my sister just got engaged. They are planning to get married over Labor Day weekend. I'm really excited for her even though I'm the oldest and soon to be lone single sibling. What people don't realize is that I came to grips with this reality many years ago. Sis has been on the marriage track for nearly a decade and given the fact that I'm lucky to have a relationship last 3 months, it seems kind of obvious who would be first.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>She has asked me to be her maid of honor so I realized that I need to sit down and do some number crunching to figure out how much money I will need to save by fall.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I'm really nervous about my role mainly because she hasn't always been the kind of sister that I had hoped she would be. There have been times when she was incredibly abusive to me and a time when a friend was actually worried for my safety. She is not the person I turn to when I need a hug or an encouraging word by any stretch although those are exactly the things that I give her hoping that some day she will return the favor. Anyway, being a bride has given license to her extreme behavior already and she's just getting started. I asked our mom for advice and was given a lecture instead (I really can't win with these people!)</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I kind of feel like everyone is turning against me right now. I know that a lot of it is because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing and they are frustrated with me. I'm just trying to find my own path and it's taking me longer than anyone (including me) thought it would. I'm trying to grow up and become the person that I'm meant to be and sometimes that is difficult and painful. I've resisted this for a long time because it was the easy path. And as painful as it is to admit, my family and friends readily stepped in to help me out. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Unlike my sister and brother who have always been more independent, I was raised to always lean on mom and dad. They've always been there when I needed them, and many times when I really wanted to do things on my own or didn't feel I needed their help, they stepped in anyway. After awhile, it gets easy to let them take over and you develop the idea that they will always be there. At times I would get frustrated that I would lose a say over how things were being done and resented the arguments over how I was living my life, but I didn't really see a need to change the status quo. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Over the years, I've realized that I need to make a change and need to start becoming more independent, but it's hard. How do you start? If you've never really been independent, how do you get there? In a way, I kind of feel like a housewife who's husband has abandoned me for his secretary. The type of woman who was solely dependent on her man for everything and is now left penniless. It's overwhelming to even think about.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Getting my own apartment 3 years ago was a HUGE step. I'd never lived alone before. I'd always had my best friend or sister to keep me in line and help pick up the slack. And, to be honest, I'd never really wanted to live alone. The thought terrified me. I was afraid I'd be bored or that something bad would happen to me. But, after the horrible fight with my sister when I realized what a monster she truly was, I decided that I couldn't take it any more and I moved out a few weeks later. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I wish there was an Idiot's Guide to being an Adult or some kind of textbook for this, with self-tests and questionnaire's on how to be the person you were meant to be. Hmmm, maybe once I get through this, I can write one! LOL.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I really wish everyone was more supportive, patient and understanding and there for me right now, but they're slowly jumping ship one by one. In a way I don't blame them, but at the same time, I feel like I need them! But I also realize that in a way, they are doing what needs to be done and what's long over due- giving me space to figure this out for myself, by myself. Uggh!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-5715984204768422542009-01-11T17:38:00.002-06:002009-01-11T18:22:57.122-06:00I Did It!<a href="http://fusilly.com/shop/images/graduate_digital.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 199px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 351px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://fusilly.com/shop/images/graduate_digital.jpg" border="0" /></a> Well, it's official- I graduated! I was waiting to write about this until I knew for sure. I was afraid that I may not quite make and come up short like I usually do and that I would have to retake a class or something.<br /><br />So, last week I went to campus to verify that I was done and I can't believe it, but I really am! <br /><br />I was so happy that I started crying as I walked back to my car. <br /><br />This has been such a long journey and one that I kind of doubted that I would ever finish. I just never thought that I'd ever make it to then end. Even at my Graduation party in December I was overcome with nerves. For the final two weeks of class I could scarcely eat because I was so nervous over whether my grades would be good enough for me to finish.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm so happy that I finished what I started! So often in the past I will get excited and start a project and then after awhile I will get bored, frustrated, distracted or just give up. It's always been hard for me to perserve and maintain the willpower to see something through to the end. There's always something that comes up and blocks my good intentions.<br /><br />The thing is that I spent so much time and effort focusing on the finish line that I didn't give any thought as to what to do once the "race" was over. So, I'm now trying to figure that out. I don't know what I want to do.<br /><br />I am looking forward to focusing on the things I've missed the past 3 years and believe it or not, but I'm looking forward to having a steady job that I have to get up and go to every day. We'll see how long that feeling lasts, but really I do miss being a part of the rat race. I think most of it stems on being able to better support myself financially and have the money to do at least some of the things I'd like to do, but I really miss contributing to an organization. <br /><br />So, I'm excited to see what life has in store for me. This seems like a great way to start the New Year though!Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-22966861202502569752009-01-05T15:43:00.002-06:002009-01-05T16:20:40.842-06:00Looking Forward and Looking BackFirst off, Happy New Year to all of you! I'm really looking forward to putting 2008 behind me and excited and hopeful for all the good things to come. I finished school and graduated and the future is still a big question mark, but I'm making goals for myself and thinking of what I want to do. The hard part is that I had started looking forward to a future with a certain guy and his dog and so now I have to go back and rewrite that and create a new plan.<br /><br />I've debated whether or not to write a post on this. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the situation but I think enough time has passed that I can write this without having to stop due to the tears.<br /><br />If you haven't noticed, I have been rather reserved in writing about "M" in this forum. This is mainly due to the fact that he reads this blog and I wanted to keep a few things in reserve.<br /><br />Now that he has walked away from the train wreck that is my life, I feel a bit more free to say what I wanted to say all along.<br /><br />When I met "M" I wasn't looking to meet anyone- just looking for someone to hang out with once in awhile when my schedule permitted. I knew that I wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. I had too much on my plate and couldn't afford to take my eye off the ball (graduation). Also, I knew that I still had work to do on me. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life financially or emotionally and I needed time to work through all of that before I felt I was ready to date anyone, let alone be the kind of girl that would attract the kind of guy I wanted to meet.<br /><br />Then I met him. And all of my good intentions went out the window. I really wanted to make it all work because he was sooo worth it, but in the end I couldn't. The day I met him I felt that he was the kind of guy I could marry some day. If I could be so lucky. <br /><br />The last day I saw him I was still amazed at how just the site of him can take my breath away and how much I can't help smiling, even through the tears. I feel like such a fool for blowing this. I knew that things were strained between us but I was looking forward to the New Year and getting back to the way things were before the holidays. <br /><br />And yet, I feel that I am not enough for him. I suspect that he has always been looking for someone better, and perhaps he found her which is why he walked away. Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a relationship due to my life circumstances, but I fear that it is something else, something I'm not aware of. Initially I felt almost relieved when he ended things because I no longer had to fear being such a disappointment to him. <br /><br />I do not doubt that he truly cared about me. That was never a question. It showed in everything he did and said. The last night I spent with him I woke to find him sleeping in the middle of bed, leaving me hanging on the edge. I gently nudged him and asked if he could move over and in his sleep he said "of course, you know that I'd do anything for you." <br /><br />A week later he broke up with me. <br /><br />I was so disappointed because I was really looking forward to giving him his Christmas present. A few months ago he mentioned a John Wayne western that contained a quote that was meaningful to him. Since I lacked funds to buy him anything and any gift ideas I could think of seemed unimaginative, I decided to sketch a picture of John Wayne and write out the quote from the movie below his portrait and then frame it. <br /><br />I was soo excited to see the look on his face when he opened it. I haven't been that excited about giving a gift since my oldest niece was first born! Now I'll never know how he would've reacted.<br /><br />A year ago I read a quote that has felt very meaningful to me lately. It says: "Every time a heart cracks... somewhere, something beautiful is being born."<br /><br />I can't wait to find out what it is. I'm ready.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-33975813066540589172008-12-24T15:59:00.003-06:002008-12-24T16:19:01.513-06:00Worst Christmas Gift Ever<a href="http://bizibot.com/images/christmas-gifts.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 700px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 1050px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bizibot.com/images/christmas-gifts.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Okay, I know you've all received those email quizzes where you have to fill out a questionnaire about yourself so your friends and co-workers will know you better. There is even a Christmas version with questions such as real vs artificial tree, etc.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Anyway, they also ask for the worst and favorite gifts you've ever received. Well, I ALWAYS win that!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>For those of you who don't know- here is the true story of the worst gift I ever received. I wish I would have kept it and had it framed or at least photographed- somehow preserved it for evidence, but I will try to describe it the best I can.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>It really gives a new meaning to the phrase, "You really shouldn't have..."</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Several years ago I had been dating a guy for awhile and he tells me that his mom and a bunch of gifts for me. I was surprised. This was the first year that she had purchased anything for me and I was touched that she went to the trouble. Especially since there was more than one gift for me.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I started opening the gifts at my mom's house Christmas Day and I remember a ceramic figurine of 2 birds and an ornament and then the last box contained something homemade. I remember it took me a minute to figure out what it was. There was a piece of Christmas themed flannel (teddy bears and Christmas trees I think). I soon realized that it was a pair of women's underpants that were 2-3 sizes too small! I looked at the guy and said "she made me underwear?" He squirmed and said "Oh no she didn't make them." I looked at him even more puzzled since the undies were obviously handmade. He then explained that she FOUND THEM in a rental house that the tenant had abandoned, thought they were cute and decided to keep them. I looked at him in absolute horror "you mean they are USED?" </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>He got all defensive and said "she WASHED them!" Geez, thanks.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Because she was a really nice woman and I did care for her son, I wrote her a nice thank you note later, but I'm pretty sure that the undies were tossed along with the wrapping paper they were decorated with.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Really, you shouldn't have...</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and received great stuff- no recycled undies!</div>Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-82087991259826328652008-12-04T20:11:00.003-06:002008-12-04T20:32:49.309-06:00A really bad dayOkay, I've had a crappy week so far and today was just like a really bad sequel to the 3 previous "Monday's from hell" that I've had. You know how it goes, your period is late so PMS is way worse than normal and you have more days of PMS! That's been my week this week.<br /><br />My "problem" kitty ran away. I officially realized she was really gone today when I opened the door to see if the food I put out for her "just incase" had been eaten and it was still there. I totally started bawling. She was such a pain in the ass and still I'm just devastated. I feel like I failed her in some way when the reality is that she is an outdoor cat. I just hope that someone with a yard has taken her in and is keeping her warm and well fed. My other cat and I miss her terribly.<br /><br />Then tonight I'm half watching the local news before I head to class and see a guy a dated for about a minute a few years ago who I ended up getting a restraining order against. He's on the news trying to defend his employer for hiring him when he has a felony record and history of violence against women. This infuriates me because he works for a University supported program so my tuition is helping pay his salary. And the program he works for allows him access to more victims.<br /><br />I understand that people make mistakes and pay their debt to society. I also believe that some can be rehabilitated but I've seen first hand how he talks a good game but in the end is a sick, and twisted criminal mind who has no business working anywhere near women. <br /><br />I'm curious to find out how long he has been employed there because if he has been there since the restraining order was initiated, then University officials need to be notified. I have serious issues about why a background check was not done.<br /><br />On a lighter note, graduation is coming very quickly. I can't wait to be done with school! I just need to figure out the "what next" part. <br /><br />Thanksgiving was really nice. I enjoyed a great couple of days with "M." It was also great to introduce him to my family. They seem to like him and he seemed to have a good time too. I'm just looking forward to seeing what happens with him come January when things are less crazy for both of us. I really miss spending time with him. I feel like we miss out on a lot of what happens in each other's lives by not talking or seeing each other regularly. <br /><br />It's kind of inevitable, but I now see him as being more human. He made a point to explain things and try to reassure me that my fears about him seeing other people are untrue. My trust in him has been altered now. It's not as absolute as it was before, which is fine for now. I think that in time it will either grow again or decline until we are over. Only time can tell. It's funny in a way because for the longest time, I wondered what was wrong with him! He seemed too great, too perfect, too wonderful! Now I know. He IS human. Not exactly a bad thing. <br /><br />This is especially true considering all the rather unflattering things he has learned about me recently that also show that I'm not perfect either.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-70574714948515857652008-11-22T16:30:00.004-06:002008-11-22T16:43:03.680-06:00What Now?I've talked to "M" more about this time-out and we both agree that it really sucks. He has repeatedly reassured me that it is temporary and that he isn't looking to see other people etc. <br /><br />But, something still felt "off." I know that a lot of it has to do with us trying to navigate this time-out thing and still maintain contact while allowing time for me to do what I need to do.<br /><br />Anyway, the past few days I've noticed that he has been on IM a lot and that coupled with his repeated statements of how I'm going to find someone better, well, I just felt like something was up. So, I searched the online personals and saw that his "ad" is still active and that he was online at that very moment either searching or chatting. WTF??<br /><br />I'm curious if the chicks he is talking to know that he is supposed to meet my parents at Thanksgiving next week? It just doesn't make sense!<br /><br />I'm hurt and confused and just frustrated that he wasn't' more honest with me. He has assured me that he wasn't looking to meet anyone else, that there wasn't anyone else (reason for the time out) and even asked me out on a date for next week! I'm not sure how he's NOT looking for someone if he's on an online dating site and has updated his profile!<br /><br />As much as I hope that there is a good explanation for this, I'm really worried that there isn't. <br /><br />Part of me just wants to be done with him and walk away for good. But, the part that cares for him and wants to trust that everything up to this point hasn't been all lies wants to hear what he has to say and see if there is anything worth salvaging there. <br /><br />I really don't have time for the stress that this is causing me! Another reason why walking away for good looks really appealing right now. <br /><br />This is really not how I saw this going. I was really hopeful that we were going to weather the storm of this phase and come back even better. Now, I just don't know.<br /><br />~~~<br />Searching for a part-time job right now really sucks! There isn't much out there it seems and the pay is just crappy. I'm getting really scared that I'm not going to find anything. <br /><br />On a positive note, I have 3 more weeks left of school.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-83976204404088075352008-11-16T17:34:00.003-06:002008-11-16T17:57:48.393-06:00It's all about timing...My timing has always sucked. Except for the day I was born, when I arrived 4 days early, I've always struggled to be on time. I also have an embarrassing tendency to say something mildly inappropriate in a public venue right as the room gets quiet, causing everyone to look at me. <br /><br />So, I wasn't all too surprised on Friday when "M" called a time-out in our relationship. The timing is just wrong. I need to focus on school and finding adequate employment to support myself and unfortunately he's just a distraction. THIS SUCKS!<br /><br />I enjoy having him as a distraction- he's welcome and needed, but still, I need to focus. THIS SUCKS!<br /><br />I'm really angry and sad about this turn of events. I'm also scared that it means that I'm one step closer to losing him for good. I'm sad that this has caused him as much stress as it's caused me and sad that it means that I don't get to see him as much for the time being. I'm scared because I don't know what the rules are in "time-out." How does this work? Yeah, we'll stay in touch, still see each other, but when? This is all new territory for me. I'm really pissed off that this is sooo not what I want and I really hate not getting my way. <br /><br />Mostly though, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've failed him, our new relationship and most importantly myself. I'm really kicking myself for getting into the situation I am now in where this is the best option for us right now and for a potential "us" in the future. <br /><br />The one bright spot is that I got to hear how "M" feels about me, which is always nice. I had suspected these things, but sometimes you need to hear them. I'm glad that he took the time to tell me.<br /><br />So, now it's back to the grind. I need to regroup, refocus and make a plan for my future. I need to get my shit together so that this time-out is as brief as possible. <br /><br />~~~<br />Things at the non-profit are really messed up. As much as I admire our President and all that he has done to get our initiatives started, there is a real lack of leadership among the board and things are falling apart. It is really stressing me out because I want to see this succeed but at the same time, I am only one person and have limited time to devote to "the cause." <br /><br />Friday I found out off-hand that a committee meeting had been scheduled without my knowledge. As the Administrative Assistant, my job is to attend all meetings and take minutes, help coordinate them, etc. This is troublesome because I'm being left out and not being allowed to do my job.<br /><br />As much as I hate to do it, recent events have necessitated that I give them notice that I will be leaving at the end of the year. I need to find permanent full-time employment and can't jeopardize that by working for the non-profit 8-10 hours a week. I also feel that if I step down as their employee, they can focus the funds that paid my salary to more fruitful things and I can stay involved but as a volunteer. I'm hopeful that the reduced stress will help restore my confidence in the group.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-58706478869506119332008-11-11T17:32:00.004-06:002008-11-11T17:42:51.851-06:00Worrying is such a waste, but I can't help it!It’s 34 days to go until school is done for semester and I graduate.<br /><br />For some reason, it seems so far away still and yet, it’s coming really fast. I’ve worked for so long to get here and now it’s almost time, but I don’t think I’m ready! <br /><br />There are so many things up in the air and so many things I need to wrap up. And yet, there are even more things that I am looking forward to. I’m ready for a steady job, with benefits and a steady paycheck. I’m ready for free time and not stressing every day about money and homework. <br /><br />I’m ready to get back into a routine at home and in my life to lay the groundwork for working out regularly, eating better and improving things at home. <br /><br />I’m ready to devote time to my hobbies and interests rather than to subjects that are boring and assignments that will have little or no value beyond the current semester.<br /><br />I’m nervous too. I’m scared that I’ll come up short, scared that I’ll fail. I’ve been here so many times before it seems and I’m scared I’ll fall short again. I’m afraid that I’ll let everyone who is counting on me down and further strain relationships that are barely hanging by the thread of hope for my future. I’m afraid that I’ll find that the past 3 years have been a big waste of time and money due to the current economy and I won’t find a job where my education and experience are valued. I’m afraid that I’ll have to work 2 jobs for the next 5 years in order to pay off all of my debt. I really don't like all these loose ends!<br /><br />A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I can do it. She made me cry. She’s right, I know I can, but I’m still scared that I’ll somehow fail.<br /><br />Today though, I received a much needed pep talk of sorts at the Senior Luncheon on campus. It helped crystallize that this is quickly becoming a reality and that I can do it! Phew. I really needed that!<br /><br />~~<br /><br />Things with “M” are still awesome. He’s such a wonderful guy that I wonder what I did to deserve having him in my life and then I remember all the crap I’ve been through and know that I’ve paid my dues in that regard. I just really wish I could have met him a few months from now when my life is a bit more “put together.” Everything is messy and unsettled at the moment- not the greatest time to start a relationship. Thankfully, he has been extremely patient and understanding which just makes me adore him all the more. <br /><br />It’s still weird how well we get along and how there is such a lack of drama between us. I’m kind of glad that there is no drama since I have more than enough in my own life right now. Unfortunately my drama kind of spilled over and recently made things a bit awkward, but we were able to talk through it and move on. As we get to know each other better though I’m sure that more things will crop up, but so far, it’s been refreshingly easy. So nice! <br /><br />As things keep going, I'm starting to trust more that this is real, that I'm not being played and that it really is a good thing. For awhile there I really struggled with that. I'm not sure if it's the lack of drama (me needing to find something wrong with him) or if it was just all my past baggage catching up with me for a moment. I've also sensed that he has maybe struggled to trust me too. We met in such an unconventional and unexpected way that, well, it was kind of inevitable I think. I like that we can talk things out though and work through whatever is bothering us. It's all good.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-46162706015297755362008-10-13T21:20:00.003-05:002008-10-13T22:01:36.142-05:00Ready or Not??<a href="http://www.shepherd.edu/university/calendars/calendar.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.shepherd.edu/university/calendars/calendar.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I just realized that there are only 2 months left of school! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Yay</span>! Now, I just have to get there- that's the hard part. So, 8 more weeks of struggling, studying, lack of sleep, no social life.... I can do it, right? I'm just really struggling with fatigue. It's more than just the typical college student exhaustion and has made it clear within the past couple of weeks that I need to get back on my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">meds</span>. It's obvious that as much as I was hoping I was somehow cured, it was just an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">anomaly</span> and I still need the drugs. I'm frustrated though since money is tight and I know that it will take several weeks for the levels to build in my system, so I'll be graduated before I see any real benefit most likely. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>The other day one of my board members at the non-profit asked me about my plans post-graduation. I honestly had not thought about it- it seemed so far off still and yet, it's really not. So I decided then that I'd stick with them until March. Our current planning sessions with the city should wrap in March. That would be a good time to bring in someone new I think. I'm kind of ready to be done with the administrative thing. It's just not my strong suit and it has been a struggle. I want to still contribute to the organization, but would rather donate my time to a single committee rather than oversee all of them! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>As for my Marketing job, I'm hopeful that I will be able to stick with them through the new year, but I know that the graduating during a recession is not the greatest idea ever. So, I'm trying to be realistic about the realities of the situation. Thankfully Wichita has been somewhat sheltered from the financial turmoil due to the aircraft industry boom, but that can only last so long.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>There are so many things I want to do after December and so many things that I need to think about between now and then! I just realized that I need to plan a graduation party for myself, starting with a venue. That should be challenging considering it is in the midst of the holiday season! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Things with "M" are still going great. It's difficult to realize that it's only been 3 weeks when it seems like 3 months! I feel very lucky to have met him, although I know that luck is a small part of it. I know that I've paid my dues to get where I am today and that all of that was necessary to get here and in order to appreciate the great guy that he is. I just wish I had more time to spend with him and the resources to spoil him like he spoils me. At the moment all I can offer in the way of dinner is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Ramen</span> noodles or PB&J. So, I took him to the airport and picked him up when he got back the other night. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Today I heard again from "V." He again wanted to see me totally last minute. How was I ever okay with this? So, I just reminded him that I'm seeing someone. He was nice and wished me luck. Even if I hadn't met "M" I was so tired of V's habit of blowing me off at the last minute. </div><br /><br />I'm glad that this weekend is Fall Break. I'm Ready!! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go out to the farm and see the family. I'm sure my nephew is getting <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">sooo</span> big! He was born August 4<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">th</span> and I haven't seen him since my Birthday in late August. I thought about asking "M" to tag along, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't want it to be a big deal, but try as I might, it's gonna be a big deal to my family to meet him. They haven't met anyone in about 15 years so, yeah, it's big. My sister convinced me to wait until the holidays though. She is much more <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">knowledgeable</span> about these things and helped me realize that trying to make it not a "thing" won't work. <br /><br />Funnily enough, as I was contemplating this, "M" mentions that his mom is coming to town in a few weeks and that I may get to meet her. I wish I could say that I'm excited but I'm actually more curious to meet her and fill in the blanks of the stories that I've heard so far. <br /><br />Finally, "M" is a bit jealous that his dog and I have taken such a liking to each other. I'm not sure he understands how ironic this is. I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">sooo</span> not a dog person! They are big, loud, smelly, like to lick and eat gross things and slobber everywhere. But, I will say that his dog is a lot of fun. It's fun to play ball with him (when it's not covered in slime) and snuggle with him except when he hogs the bed and tries to wedge in between "M" and I. "M" is worried that the dog is becoming more mine than his and has threatened to get another dog! Great. Just what I wanted [can you sense the sarcasm?]! My theory is that the dog is just excited that there is a new person around who gives him attention. I think that it will wear off with time. Especially if it ever becomes <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">apparent</span> to him that I am a "cat" person! <br /><br />It's like my plan to get to know the dog has backfired on me! I knew that "M" and the dog were a package deal, kind of like me and my cats. So, I made a point to befriend the dog. Now it bites me in the ass because the dog likes me more! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">LOL</span>. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Sooo</span> not how I saw that one being played out.Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-53517359256568982722008-10-09T16:45:00.002-05:002008-10-09T17:05:10.150-05:00Is it Art?<a href="http://z.about.com/d/tattoo/1/0/z/o/1/093007r.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://z.about.com/d/tattoo/1/0/z/o/1/093007r.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://z.about.com/d/tattoo/1/0/e/n/1/081907n.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://z.about.com/d/tattoo/1/0/e/n/1/081907n.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://z.about.com/d/tattoo/1/0/W/i/1/2006ann14.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://z.about.com/d/tattoo/1/0/W/i/1/2006ann14.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div>Many people still possess a negative opinion of the art of tattooing. They picture dirty needles, skulls and drunken servicemen. I feel that tattoos are so much more than "Mom forever" and thorny roses. So here are a few pictures I think help convey my theory that it is art and should be welcomed as such.</div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div>Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-20384335676485618252008-10-07T00:26:00.005-05:002008-10-07T01:20:48.684-05:00Slowly I'm Learning<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1oY5VJJY8Iw/SOr_qLELjlI/AAAAAAAAADk/3j5uxp3ZheM/s1600-h/spaceball.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5254293015271018066" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1oY5VJJY8Iw/SOr_qLELjlI/AAAAAAAAADk/3j5uxp3ZheM/s200/spaceball.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><div>The past 3 years have been about more than getting a traditional education, I've also grown up a lot and learned a great deal about myself. It's been a rather painful process, but one that I realize was highly necessary and long overdue. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>In a recent post I mentioned that I realize how I've sold myself short over the years. I've accepted mere crumbs in relationships and did everything in my power to sustain something that was barely a relationship to begin with. It's really sad and embarrassing to realize how often I did this and think back on the guys that I thought were worth my time and attention who really were not. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>This has been further emphasized to me in the past week while spending time with "M." Yes, I am still seeing him and things are going very well. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>One evening I stopped by after a night class and he was sweaty from walking the dog. I offered to hang around while he took a shower. Before he left me, he asked if I needed a drink or anything. I shook my head "no" and explained that I was fine. He then looked at me and said "you aren't used to being treated like this are you?" It's so sad, but no I'm not and I told him as much. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>This past weekend we spent most of the time together. He really spoiled me! Cooked me dinner, made me breakfast, it was really nice! It makes me happy that he cares enough to do these things, but makes me sad that I've never had this experience before now. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>He's really raised the bar for me to attempt to spoil him in return. I'm excited to try though. He really deserves it. Not just for all that he does for me, but because he is such a great guy in many other ways too. I can tell that in a lot of ways he's not used to being spoiled either. Friday night he fell asleep while we watched TV, so I picked up our dinner dishes and took the dog outside. When I finally woke him up, he was surprised that I had done all of that.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Each day I look forward to seeing him or at least speaking to him. I'm curious about his day and miss him when I don't get to see him. It's only been a couple of weeks but seems a lot longer (but in a good way).</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>When my best friend first started dating her husband, I would make fun of them for "needing" to talk every day and being so lovey dovey when they were around each other. I just didn't get why they needed to do all of that and what on earth they had to say to each other every day. Now, I'm there. I get it. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>~~</div><br /><div>Things at work are going well. I'm just still frustrated at trying to find time to do it all. Last week was nuts with 3 tests to prepare for and a paper due. This week is much more manageable. And next week is 2 tests and Fall Break! Already?? Wow!</div><br /><div>~~</div><br /><div>Now for some Art! I really dig this <a href="http://www.didntyouhear.com/">blog </a>! I'm not really their target demographic, but the stuff they post never ceases to amaze. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/army-of-neffs/sets/72057594120239899/">Here</a> is a link to an artist who sketches on sidewalks using chalk. Absolutely brilliant! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div>Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-75392028056290601692008-10-02T23:50:00.003-05:002008-10-03T00:30:30.777-05:00Some things i really miss right now<a href="http://www.chromacolour.com/images/cc_palettes.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.chromacolour.com/images/cc_palettes.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>As my final semester of school plugs along, I can't help but anticipate all the things I will be able to do with all the newly found free time! So, here's a list of things I can hardly wait for.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>First of all I really miss reading for pleasure. There is a list of 200 plus titles that I'm itching to read. Last year I finally gave up adding to it since the list seemed too long already. I'm also in dire need of a vacation. Seriously February 2001 was the last one, not counting a weekend spent in Colorado when my niece was born. But that doesn't count since there was no alcohol consumed and my entire family was there. And that was even four years ago. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I want to paint and draw and sculpt something, anything! I want to volunteer. CASA, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Literacy Resources. These are all wonderful organizations that I long to devote my time to. Someday...</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I miss Sunday family dinners. We haven't gotten together since August for my Birthday and I really miss seeing my nieces and nephew and how they've grown and changed and what's new in their worlds. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I want to have a girls weekend. Hell, at this point I'd take a girl's night! I really miss my girls. We don't get together like we did before I went back to school and I miss that connection. Plus, I've been really bad this year- forgetting special days in their lives.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>This is going to sound funny, but I really miss working out! Once upon a time I had a gym membership and actually went on a regular basis. I was in the best shape of my life before I got sick six years ago. I can't wait to get back there! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Okay, I really don't miss this, but it frustrates me that I never have time for cleaning house, organizing my closet and desk and getting the recycling taken to the drop off place. I hate the clutter and trash and the stress that it all causes me! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Cooking! I miss being able to cook and bake. Even the holidays have been difficult the past couple of years because school manages to interfere with how much I can enjoy my time off.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Another nerdy one: I miss health insurance. Back before I was laid off, I took it all for granted! But, I was also a lot more proactive in getting my regular checkups and taking my medications as prescribed. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I miss KState football and going to games. I'm too busy to even follow the team and stay abreast of their record. I miss going out and seeing bands and movies and trying new restaurants. My scarce resources have hampered all of these. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I miss road trips to KC! I haven't been in nearly 3 years!! I used to go on day trips to other cities like Tulsa and tour museums and stuff, but it's been 5 years at least since I've done that.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Geez, I could go on, but life is all about trade-offs. Too many times through the years I put my education on hold for my job, for a man, for financial reason and even for fun. I just need to remember why I'm sacrificing and tough it out a bit longer.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411627339045008690.post-51045139331853943732008-09-29T22:51:00.003-05:002008-09-29T23:18:54.345-05:00Can't I just be done already???<a href="http://business.nmsu.edu/~finance/images/graduate.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://business.nmsu.edu/~finance/images/graduate.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Okay, my patience is wearing thin. I'm sooo done with school! I'm done! I've struggled and studied and sacrificed for this seemingly unattainable goal for 3 years now and it's getting really old!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Today I had a meeting with a bunch of city officials for work on our non-profit initiative. We were discussing the best dates/times for future meetings and I was the lone dissenting voice in the majority of dates/times. It was frustrating because most of the suggested times conflict with my class schedule. Granted it's only a day or two a month, but still... I was already skipping class today to make the meeting. Grrr.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Then, with my other job I just don't have time to devote to my assigned tasks and other things that I feel that the job requires. I constantly feel guilty about it and it just stresses me out.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>And of course, because I had resigned myself to the idea that I didn't have time to date anyone, I meet the first guy in a very long time who is worth trying to rearrange my schedule for. But, there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes you really just have to do laundry and stay home and study when you'd much rather be snuggling with someone else. It really sucks!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>So, what it all boils down to is this: school isn't fitting into my life anymore! I've outgrown it! But, it really is necessary and so I have to suffer a little while longer. Dammit! Gotta just grit my teeth and keep on keepin' on, but I'm going on record that I'm seriously pissed off about it.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>~~~</div><br /><div>Speaking of dating, yes I'm still spending a lot of time with "M." It just blows me away how awesome this has been so far. I keep trying to remind myself that life is a marathon and not a sprint (mostly in order to make myself feel better over my crazy schedule and conflicting priorities), and only time will tell if this thing has staying power, but so far things look really good. We click really well as friends and just enjoy spending time together. We can sit on the porch and discuss our day and not get bored or feel we need to be "doing something." </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Right now I just feel really blessed to have met someone that I click with so well. I'm proud that I've finally attracted a "nice" guy and that I'm likewise equally attracted to him. I don't have to do the dog and pony show to get him to like me, he already does and I don't have to dwell on what his mixed signals mean because he just TELLS me how he feels and what he's thinking! Ahhh, so refreshing! Each day that I get to spend with him is awesome, so I'm just enjoying the journey and looking forward with a smile.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Miss Smarty Pantshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09401441096557307227noreply@blogger.com0