Ghosts of Relationships past

I've been thinking a lot lately about "K." He's a guy I knew many years ago that I really liked. It was weird because he liked me too, but he never asked me out. We had an odd sort of relationship that never really made sense and he broke my heart over and over again, but his irresistible charm kept drawing me back hoping for a better outcome the next time around. He even won over my sister one night! She was all prepared to tell him off for how he had treated me, but even she was a big fan after talking to him!

A decade later, there are still so many unanswered questions there. I wonder where I/we went wrong? Why did he call me to talk for hours at a time and never work up the nerve to ask what I wanted him to, namely "would you go out with me?" And why did he always call me at 2 am and want to see me when he was drunk and horny instead? I get the 2 am part, but it's the afternoon chats that still boggle the mind.

Anyway, "K" is one of those really rare guys. He was so multi-faceted which I loved and he even came and helped me out when my car broke down one night. You could tell that he was a great guy, and we had a weird way of hugging each other where we just wrapped around each other like a caduceus symbol. I'm a huge fan of verbal sparring and laughter as foreplay, and we were masters at it!

I know that I'm probably a lot to blame for how things ended up. He came along during the fallout of the relationship with the guy I almost married. It took a lot for me to leave him and I just wanted to be free for awhile. I went out and partied way more than I should have during that time. I think "K" was looking to settle down, and I was looking for the next party.

At that time I thought I wanted a guy with a status job, but I now realize that it's not what the person does for a living, but how they spend the rest of their time and the type of person he is. "K" was like that. He worked a blue-collar job, but he had a lot of other interests that made him so much more than a "tool belt" as my friends referred to him. So, maybe it was a matter of timing, but it makes me sad that this great guy slipped through my fingers!

Part of me wants to call him and ask him to explain to me where I went wrong. I realize that the past 10 years I've repeated this pattern over and over again. The only difference being that most of the guys in between have not been as nice as he was. They are not the type of guy to come help me get my car started on a cold December night.

Again, it boils down to the fact that I keep settling for crumbs and hope for more. I keep chasing guys who don't even like me and doing the song and dance to try and change their minds. "K" was one of the few guys who first pursued me.

At that memorable Christmas party, I realized how much he had been taking notes during our conversations in passing while at work. And when he asked me to dance, I didn't have to worry about trying to two-step, I just floated across the dance floor. And we laughed. "K" was always game for a good laugh. That night just seemed to be the beginning of something really good. And yet, somewhere a long the way everything fell flat.

I can't help thinking that somehow he holds the key to why all my relationships go wrong. I know that a lot of it is the residual fallout of the guy before him, but "K" was the only decent prospect in a continuous stream of really bad choices. They've gotten a lot worse as the years have gone on. He was probably one of the few really smart choices I've made, and yet, I feel like I blew it!

I really want to call him! I want to know how he's doing, what he's up to. Is he married? Children? I know he'd make a wonderful husband and father. I don't want to interfere in his life or cause trouble, but I just want to check in on him. I have no expectations that we will meet and fall for each other again. So many years have passed and I'm sure we are different people now. But, I can't help but be curious, plus I really would like answers to where I went wrong. Are my suspicions about my part in it correct?

~~~

Rereading this I wonder if some relationships consist of just one perfect moment. I dated a guy a few years ago and we had the most awesome first date! It was fun and romantic, but the rest of the relationship paled in comparison. We never really topped that first night.

Was my relationship with "K" the same? Were we always trying to recreate the magic of that Christmas party and inevitably falling short? Hmmm.