Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I have a theory that the Universe/God (whatever higher power term works for you) has a really sick sense of humor. I guess the fact that life is hard is a part of that overall attitude. I know it's all apart of the ebb and flow of life, you struggle so you can appreciate the days when there is nothing going on and things all just fall into place effortlessly.
I'm really pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to handle 2 jobs and school and meanwhile I have to put up with politics, ego trips, people who won't say what they mean/think, and just general bullshit. I'm getting really tired of it! I'm sooo not an brown-noser and it's kind of what is expected/ required at the moment and I just refuse! It's not a part of my DNA to be that way and I'm not going to start now. People really need to grow up and look at the big picture and realize that it's not all about them!
Meanwhile, I have no time to date, to go out and meet anyone and yet, the relationships I do have are all becoming very dysfunctional and unsatisfying. Basically they want me to be there for them when they want and vice versa and it's just not working. Neither side wants to give any either because that would be too much like a real relationship and our stated "casual thing" is a way of avoiding having to deal with the crap of a real authentic connection.
I had a funny conversation tonight with one of these casual guys. He's bi-sexual and not shy about it. I'm okay with that and appreciate his honesty since I've known some guys in the past who probably played both sides of the court but didn't admit it. Anyway, he's all upset because his go to "guy" friend now has a girlfriend and has kicked him to the curb. He's kind of peeved about it and wanted to know if I knew of any other guys to set him up with! (Really didn't see that coming when I called him back this evening). Then he blows me off and I haven't heard from him since. Somehow this further confirms my suspicions that he's more "gay" than "Bi."
Hmmm. Maybe I'm just getting bored and want more? Something more permanent, stable, predictable, etc. Maybe I'm outgrowing all this juvenile bullshit? Part of me feels ready to be in a relationship and part of me looks around and sees all the unhappy couples and miserable married people, and I think "No Thanks."
I guess I don't have to decide today, right? Recently a 64 year old man told me that it took him 60 years and two failed marriages to finally meet the true love of his life. I'm really happy for him since I know all the drama he has been through (I'm friends with his daughter), and he and his "true love" are so sickeningly happy. It just makes you smile and hope to find something like that some day.
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This weekend was a lot of fun. I spent time with all my best friends and my family to celebrate my Birthday. I really wasn't expecting anything since I've been so caught up in my own life and have had to put all my peeps on the back burner. Plus my financial situation has made me not the greatest reciprocator and I've even forgotten Birthdays this year! I NEVER do that! Anyway, it was very nice that all these people love me anyway and know that I'm just "in a phase."
I got some new clothes and a new vacuum cleaner! Plus there was lots of good food and cake!
All in all, a wonderful weekend.
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