Cash, payola, dinero, greenbacks, well however you say it- I have none. I've actually had very little money for a long time now (like 3 years!). So, you think I'd get used to being broke, never quite getting ahead, not being able to afford to do fun stuff (go to KC for the weekend) or necessary stuff (dental checkups and oil changes), but I don't. It doesn't get easier. I hate feeling guilty for rationing the cat food, asking friends and family for loans that I have no clue when I'll be able to pay back and stressing about whether or not I'll get evicted, lose my electricity or have enough gas money to make it to work and back tomorrow. It's really not cool!
I know that this situation is only temporary. When I graduate in December, I'll hopefully get a steady, better paying job (and probably a 2nd job for the time being as well) and life will get easier. But, it's getting over the hump. I can see the horizon, but this last hill seems really steep! Like right now, I owe $1200 to the University for summer school. Until I pay that, I can't enroll in fall classes that start in 10 days! This has probably also impacted my ability to enroll in the Coop program through my internship job. It really sucks!!!
My financial situation is impacting how I view my future career prospects as well. Rather than choosing a job that I love and that will be fulfilling, I'm tempted to take the job that will be not as creative and fun but will pay a lot more money and have way better benefits.
The situation the past 3 years has also impacted my relationships with family and friends. They are tired of constantly bailing me out without a clear idea of when they will see a return on their investments. I really don't blame them- I'm not sure I'm much better than throwing money out the window most days.
As I contemplate my future though, I realize that I need to get a handle on this problem and try to improve my relationship with money and budgeting skills in order to avoid being here again. I'm not a fan of Ramen noodles, and that's about all I've eaten for the past month! I need to do this in order to make me feel better about myself and to repair my strained relationships. Plus, really, who wants to date a broke 36 year old woman? Certainly not the successful, got their shit together guys I hope to meet!
The key thing I've learned over the past 3 years is how much we tie our identity to our possessions. We create an image of who we think we are or how we want people to see us by what we own and bankrupt ourselves in the process! We never really "get it" that no amount of things will make us happy, that the happiness we seek is to be found elsewhere and not at the mall or on ebay!
I realize how much money I frivolously spent in the past trying to make myself feel better about my crappy job, etc. Haven't we all been guilty of Retail Therapy? Giving away all the Partylite candles and music cd's and dvd videos made me somewhat sad, but ultimately I really don't miss them. Honestly the sadness was more about the lost money and not the lost things.
Sorry for the downer post- just feeling kinda down today. I feel stuck and hate feeling this way, especially when I can almost slip out of the ties that are keeping me down... I want to break free, and move on to bigger and better things, but I just can't seem to get there!
Okay, I'm hopeful that my next post will be a bit more uplifting and entertaining!
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