Monday, May 4, 2009

Random Happenings in Art and Life


Isn't amazing how one random happening can change the whole course of your day? Like you oversleep and find out later that you missed a huge traffic tie-up on Kellogg. Or you decide at the last minute to drop into a local store only to find the exact thing you've been looking for, and on sale!


Well, I love when life happens like that. One day recently took an unexpected turn for the better. Due to an unexpected change in plans, I ended up stopping by the neighborhood watering hole on the way home from running an errand that managed to take all afternoon. I was tired and hadn't eaten all day, so I decided I wanted one of the establishment's famous burgers and an ice cold beer to go with it. On beer number 2 (it was that kind of a day), I struck up conversation with the guy sitting next to me. It turns out that he and I are neighbors and we really hit it off!


I really didn't see this happening. But, "C" is really cool! We ended up having a really great time the rest of the night. And he agreed that he'd like to hang out again some time.


So, we'll see what happens. He's moving out of state in a few months and I'm not really ready for a relationship, but I think that we should definitely hang out and have fun while he's here.


Here is a link to some random and cool art that I stumbled upon while reading an article on Mental Floss' website. I can't believe the detail that Scott Wade achieves on such a tricky medium! Also the photo at the top of this post is a detailed photo of one of his works. Sure beats someone writing "Wash Me" on your car!


Sunday, May 3, 2009

Really Sick or just faking?

This week on The Today Show with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb, they were debating whether it's okay to call in sick when you really just need a day off. Their exchange created a great debate on their Facebook page and got me thinking. Is it really okay? I just assumed that everyone does this now and then, but maybe I'm wrong. Apparently there are people out there (or maybe just Kathie Lee playing Devil's Advocate) who would never dream of lying about being sick.

These are also probably the same people who go to work when they are sick and expose everyone else. Swine Flu anyone?

I must admit that I have claimed to be sick and stayed home from work even when I felt fine. Usually I did this when I was really exhausted from being overworked, stressed out, or just really tired for whatever reason. I do know someone who calls in sick sometimes when her boss stresses her out or really pisses her off, but I've never been that bold (or petty).

One time I called in sick just to do laundry. Again I was stressed out and overwhelmed and well, I really need to do laundry. I've worn boxers and bikini bottoms as undies and pj pants as slacks to work before (and got away with it by the way), but sometimes you honestly have nothing clean and need to do something about it!

For the most part, I try really hard to just be honest with my boss. I will go above and beyond to get things done, meet deadlines and all of that, but I also expect that by doing that, I will have some "slack" to take an afternoon off or something and not be penalized for it.

Right now I'm so thankful just to have a job that I make myself go even when I don't feel like it. I'm still in my probation period so I need to have perfect attendance and so I have even gone to work sick (unfortunately).

Monday, April 27, 2009

Confidence is key

It's all about confidence.

I've started waiting tables and although I'm still learning the menu and the questions to ask (would you like red sauce or cheese sauce on your enchiladas?), confidence will still get me a tip. Yesterday I was having a really bad day and managed to accidently throw 2 steak knives at a customer! Who knew wooden handles could be slippery? Anyway, I smiled and apologized my way through it and still got a tip. Not a great one, but still, they left me a couple of bucks.

In a job interview confidence is definitely necessary. If you walk in there with any hint of hesitation, act like you think you don't belong or feel you are unworthy, then forget about it. You aren't going to get past that first interview. Sometimes this can be challenging. After being unemployed and broke for a long time, it's really difficult to shake off the air of desperation. But, it's absolutely essential because desperation hangs in the atmosphere like really bad cologne. I think that is why it is always easier to find a job when you already have one. You aren't desperate to find SOMETHING because you already have it. You can take it or leave it. So, my advice is to be sure and bathe in happy thoughts before you walk through the door. Confidence alone won't get you the job, but lack of confidence will definitely keep you from getting a job that you are otherwise qualified for. If you doubt that you are capable, you make the interviewer question whether you are capable as well.

I think that confidence in dating is also important. If you feel unworthy of dating or don't love yourself, then you will either fail to attract anyone at all or you will attract people who don't love you either. That's where I'm at right now. I'm thinking about trying to dip my toe in the dating pool again. I'm sure it's because I'm feeling more optimistic about life right now. I'm still basically homeless and can't drive, but things are better than they were a couple of months ago. And guys are starting to check me out more and flirt more. Of course I'm surrounded by much younger guys at work, but the attention is nice. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with my increased confidence. I'm feeling better and probably looking better. But because I'm not where I want to be in my life, I feel like I should wait. See I wouldn't date a person who lives in their married friends' guest room and doesn't have a car, so I really don't want to date someone who would date me. I know that my situation is temporary, but I feel like I need to make more progress before I can feel confident in attracting the type of person I'm looking for. The difference being that now I feel more confident that I can get there. I will be that person again.

One of my favorite people at work is this really young gay guy. He always tells me how beautiful I am and says he loves me. He has a boyfriend and I wouldn't date him even if he was straight, but he makes work fun. And the adoration is a definite confidence builder.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fear

What are you afraid of? Spiders? Tornadoes? Death? There aren't many things that I can think of that I'm afraid of. Okay bees and wasps freak me out. I also have a fear of being alone at night that was mostly cured when I lived alone for 3 years. Before that I had too many freak incidents happen when my roommates were away that I had to sleep with the tv on and phone within arm's reach for a long time. But, on the flip side, I'm frequently described as incredibly brave. I've done things that those who know me would never, ever do. Like inviting a guy I've never met to come visit and stay at my house, or speed dating. One year for my New Year's resolution, I decided to do things that scared me. I decided that I was spending too much time in my comfort zone and needed to shake up the status quo in my life a bit. That year I created an online dating profile and tried speed dating. I had a blast.

As I was taking a cab home the other night, a car accident forced a detour past a church with a sign out front that said something like "don't live life guided by fear." This really got me thinking about the brave things I've done in the past and how I've let my fears paralyze me in recent months. Many things that I was absolutely terrified of have come true. The great guy I was dating left me, I lost my apartment, my cat, and my ability to drive (temporarily). All of these things have happened because I was too terrified to take action to prevent them from happening. Okay, maybe not the break up, but the rest of them for sure.

So I decided to sit down and think about what really scares me now. What am I afraid of now? And after I identify those things, I need to decide what actions to take to prevent them from becoming reality. I'm hopeful that this will prevent more nightmares from coming true in my life.

Although the meaning on the sign at the church was that you should give your life over to God and not fear, I think that there can be wisdom found in it for those of us who are not ready to surrender control to a higher power and those who do not believe.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Can I just be happy for a moment?

So far the week has started out quite well! Spent Sunday at the farm helping my niece celebrate her 3rd Birthday. The celebration was postponed due to the weather the weekend before. Lots of fun seeing the kids and my dad was civil. Difficult for him right now I know, but I'm thankful that he made the effort to not spoil every one's day.

This morning I had an interview at a local restaurant for a server position. I've actually never technically worked as a server, but I managed to talk myself into the interview and got the job! Okay, they hired me as hostess and server trainee but still. I Got a Job people! Yippee!

So I called my sister to let her know and she can't let me be happy for even one moment. She just reminds me that I'll need to work 2 jobs in order to get back on my feet financially. Like duh! As if I did not know this already. I'm living with my extremely generous bff and her family because I'm homeless and I printed off the bus schedules yesterday so I can figure out how to get to and from my job since it's too far to walk. Yeah I'm completely oblivious to my situation here.

I understand that it's probably difficult for those around me to be supportive and I'm sure they can't comprehend what I'm going through right now but I'm always so there for everyone else. I bust my ass to be their biggest supporter and cheerleader and once in awhile it would be nice to have a little in return.

No this job isn't quite my dream job. I didn't spend 3 years at WSU to be a greeter or serve people chips and salsa all day, but it's still a job. It's a small step in the right direction. Can't that be enough, for at least today?

Okay enough ranting...

I was pleased and slightly embarrassed to discover that my humble ramblings have been noticed by Douglasandmain. Writing this blog is a lot like writing in my diary. I write it for my friends to know what I'm going through, but I don't really think about other people reading it. Since I've tried really hard to be anonymous, I cringe to think of who might know who I am. Especially when I think about some posts from last Summer. Anyway, the recognition made me thankful that I've concealed the identity of others mentioned here. I write my thoughts and feelings rather unconsciously and would hate to be sued for defamation or something.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Will Work for Food

Okay, I'm not quite ready to stand out on the street corner with my cardboard sign, but I will say that job hunting is really frustrating right now. The constant rejection makes me doubt that I have any talent at all and wonder how I ever found a decent job in the first place.

Then I realize that I do have talents and wonder how I can get paid for them. No, don't come looking for me on Broadway... mind out of the gutter people!

See, I know that I can write decently. Maybe you've read other posts and disagree, but I've written some decent articles/reports/papers at school and in my working life and received praise for them. So I've been researching this and yet I realize that I'm a very small fish in a large and overpopulated pond. Uggh. Kinda like the Wichita job market right now.

I'm also contemplating applying for a job in my hometown. This would entail moving back home with the parents and likely working with a not-exactly-my-favorite relative. I'm worried that this could cause me to become near suicidal, but also realize that such a step may help me get back on my feet faster. What to do, what to do.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Prayers for the Easter Bunny

Last weekend (the one before the Blizzard), I went to church with the parents. This is something I generally try to avoid at all costs. I actually hadn't been since 2 Christmases ago. For many years I tried faking it and just getting through it, but eventually I became less concerned with trying to make my mom happy and just dropped the charade.

Holidays are still kinda tricky though since attending church is deeply ingrained in our family celebrations. Being unmarried/uncoupled also takes away the "conflicting plans" excuse. Because of this and because I've come to view attending Mass as a "free" gift to my parents, I will occasionally attend on a holiday.

So I'm sitting in the sanctuary and all is well when the priest starts his sermon about finding the light in the darkness of the world. Suddenly the waterworks start flowing! People I started bawling! In church! I was sooo embarrassed and confused. Where did this come from? I successfully hid it from my parents (thank you seasonal allergies), but I'm sure those sitting around me caught on. I haven't cried like that in a church since my former bff's mom's funeral a year ago!

After much reflection though I figured it out. See, I don't have anything against people who go to church. If it works for you, then I am happy for you. And actually I'm a bit jealous. I quit going because I realize that for me, praying to God is just like praying to the Easter Bunny. There is just no meaning there for me.

As much as I wish that I could see God as a beacon of light in the darkness (boy could I use some candle light in the cave right now), I just see him as a mythical icon like Santa or the Tooth Fairy invented to discipline children and control adults (those who no longer believe in Santa).

Yes, I agree that there are mysteries that cannot be explained and that there is a rhyme and rhythm to the Universe, but that all was created by some white haired guy sitting in the clouds? Not so much.

But, rather than mocking. I really wish I did believe. I wish that saying the prayers I learned in childhood meant more to me than as if I was reciting the alphabet. I wish that I could find comfort in sitting in the pew on Sunday. Some days I do, but most days I don't. I feel uncomfortable as if I'd showed up naked or interrupted something.

I wish I could get the warm fuzzy or sense of calm and well-being that most people probably feel by being there. The sense of community- that would be nice too.

That is why I cried. I cried because I wish I felt something that I don't. Kind of like when you go out on a date with a really great person, but don't feel that "spark" that makes you want to see them again.

Maybe I'll find my way back to church and to God, but right now I'm sad.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Scenes from a Marriage

No dear readers, I didn't go and get married! Actually, lately I'm really questioning whether that is a wise decision ever! See with my current living situation I get to be sort of a fly on the wall and get a unique perspective on marriage and family life.



Over the years I've witnessed it as a dinner guest or at one of the kids' birthday parties, but living here day to day is rather amazing and not really in a good way. I'm blown away at the amount of ugliness that occurs in the day to day happenings of a marriage. I guess the tiny resentments over running a household and the general living together pet peeves build over time and result in the ugly spewing of insults and baited barbs for the most mundane of reasons.



Most days I try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. I lay in bed awake and wait until they are all gone before I dare try to go to the bathroom. I use the excuse that I want to stay out of their way and not cause them to be late for their day, but the truth is I just want to avoid getting yelled at myself.



To be fair to my hosts, not every day is this ugly, but I'm amazed at how many are. This morning as I was preparing to write this the song "Hit me with your best shot" came on the radio. I had to laugh. No, these people don't throw punches, just mud, but it's still painful to witness most days.



One day my bff was venting about her dear husband and was complaining about how he wanted to pick a fight. I was surprised that she was surprised at this. So, I reminded her about how they've been arguing since the day they first met, so why would now be any different? She had to laugh at the memory and agreed that I had a good point.



Living through this reminds me of how "M" and I never argued. When we had a disagreement, we would sit down and discuss it rather than yell. He was adamant that he was not a fan of yelling and I'm not either so we made it a priority to work through things in a civil manner. But now I wonder how many things we didn't discuss, how many frustrations he kept to himself. Most of all I wonder if he finally realized that the relationship with me wasn't worth fighting for and just walked away. Sometimes maybe a good fight really is a good thing.



The relationship with a I dated last summer was the complete opposite. We rarely had a conversation that didn't end in an argument. It was incredibly frustrating at how frequently misunderstandings occurred. It was like I would say "blue" and he thought I said "red" and then it was on. Finally I just got tired of it all. One day we were IM'ing and he was trying to pick a fight. I wasn't in the mood and he kept trying to bait me. I asked him point blank if he ever got tired of fighting. He refused to answer the question and kept on pushing my buttons. When I repeated the question and still didn't get an answer, I finally told him I was done and walked away. I realized that the relationship would always be like this and the good stuff wasn't worth putting up with the bad.



For now I'm just going to try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire and see what lessons can be learned from this unique perspective on marriage.

Monday, March 9, 2009

What will they think of next?

I just had to share this link. Very strange. I love sushi and all, but really don't think I could eat this. Just too creepy.

Yesterday I enjoyed a nice afternoon with the family I'm staying with. I discovered that their neighbor has a dog who looks just like "M's" dog but with brown spots instead of black ones. Seeing the dog made me sad.

Tonight I'm excited to spend time with my cat. While I'm technically homeless, my cat is staying with my sister. Since my sister just left on vacation, it gave me a good excuse to spend some quality time with "my girl." She has been very excited to have me around to love on her.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

The end of "M"?

After my previous post about "M" and the breakup, he contacted me. It was great to hear from him and get clarification about his reasons and thought process.

For the record: there wasn't another woman.

But, hearing from him also made me incredibly sad and then angry. Although I enjoyed his emails, it was frustrating because I wanted more! I wanted to see him, snuggle with him and listen to him talk about his day or tell a funny story about his dog, not read it online while at work. It was almost as if he regretted breaking up with me, but we're still broken up, so obviously he didn't come begging me to take him back.

So, after a few days of this, I just quit emailing him. I was too angry and needed time to process my thoughts. Plus, I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him right now. So, I need to allow him to move on and find someone else.

In the meantime, my bff and I talked a lot about the stuff I learned from "M" and she was initially optimistic that we would eventually reconcile. What I didn't count on was that when I reached the anger phase she took his side! She stuck up for him! That REALLY pissed me off! But, deep down I knew she was right and that he did the right thing, but at that moment, wow I was hurt.

Now the silence is deafening. As much as I know he needs to move on and I'm trying to stay busy picking up the pieces of the Tornado Aftermath that my life has recently become, I feel like I need him more than ever. He was quickly becoming one of my best friends and I really need my friends right now.

But, I know that he has his reasons for staying away and although I don't necessarily agree with him, it's okay. I really can't blame him. Nothing has really changed. The reasons he left are still there, probably more so than they were a few months ago. I'm not making the progress that he probably hoped I would.

I still dream about him pretty frequently. I dream that I run into him at the grocery store and things like that. The other night I dreamt that I found his dog wandering the streets like he had gotten loose and ran off while out for a walk. I called "M" and he then contacted his girlfriend who was taking care of the dog for him. Yes people, even in my dream I'm a realist. Some would say that I'm a pessimist, but I prefer the term "Realistic Optimist."

So, for now this is the last post about "M." I don't see things changing in the short term. I miss him, but I know that his life is probably better without me in it right now. As much as I wholeheartedly agree with the saying "the people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least," I know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself and that I have to accept his decision like it or not.

As much as I wanted to agree with my bff and hope for a future reconciliation, I just can't allow myself to go there. Okay sometimes I dream about it, but the dreams are always a couple of years from now.

The reason I can't is because there was once another guy who cared about me and walked away because he got tired of waiting for me to grow up. When we met I had just gotten out of a long term relationship so all I wanted to do was go out and party and flirt and have fun. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but fell for him anyway. Because we worked together the relationship was very short lived but we became really great friends. I always knew that "A" and I would get back together. It just seemed destined to happen. We stayed in touch over the years and always talked about getting together for a beer or whatever, but we never did. The timing was always off. He would call me and I was dating someone. Months later I would email him and he was dating someone. We went on like this for several years! Then a few years passed without talking. He was going through some stuff so I gave him time and space to deal with what he was going through then I decided to call him. He was surprised to hear from me after all that time and explained that he had gotten married a few months earlier! I was absolutely devastated. My dreams of "A" were shattered. It took me a really long time to get over that. I had so many things I regretted. I regretted all the times I should have called, that I should have been there for him. Had I stepped up and not been afraid then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

As much as I kind of hope that "M" is secretly pining away for me and waiting for me to get my shit together, my sincere hope is that he finds the happiness he deserves. I want that for him more than anything. I want him to be happy and with someone who treats him well and spoils him rotten. As my bff says "he's a GOOD man." He really, really is and I hope that he finds someone who agrees and shows him every day how grateful she is to find him.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Cost of Being Uninsured

We hear on the news a lot about the rising number of people who are uninsured. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be without health insurance? I never really thought about it until I was laid off nearly 4 years ago and could no longer afford my premiums.

Since then I've learned to become a better consumer of health care and had to learn to live without a lot of things I once considered necessities.

Recently it's become more frustrating to be uninsured. A couple of years ago my doctor and I discussed a procedure that she thinks would be helpful to discovering why I've been having trouble regulating my medications. The procedure would cost $1200. Because of that, I still haven't had it.

On Valentine's Day I ended up at the Immediate Care clinic. I was sooo sick but had put off going to the doctor thinking it was a virus, that I would get better in a few days. Unfortunately I just kept getting worse. It all started the weekend before when I had trouble swallowing. As the doctor who treated me explained, had I gone to visit her then, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. I had a pretty high fever, could hardly walk and was just miserable. Turns out I had strep throat. It cost me $25 just to say hello, not counting the cost of the lab work to diagnose me and the $25 prescription they recommended. A week and a half later, I wasn't doing much better. So I called my doctor and they prescribed another antibiotic. I called the pharmacy to find out the cost and nearly fell over when they said it was $130! For five pills. My bff paid for it and thankfully I got better. I really couldn't afford not to. Shortly after I got sick my bff got sick. She too had to get a 2nd antibiotic to get over it. She was prescribed the same one I was. The difference being that with insurance her cost was $20 vs. the $130 that I paid. That just doesn't seem fair.

It's been 4 1/2 years since I've seen the dentist. I have a cracked filling but so far the pain is intermittent. I'm going to wait to have it fixed until I can no longer chew on that side or until I get dental insurance, which ever comes first. Meantime, I've become fanatical about brushing and flossing.

I've learned to live without my allergy medicince although in the past few days I'm realizing that I may have to find a way to afford it again. I'm not sure if it's the remnant of my illness or the early blooms of the season but I'm still kind of sniffly and sneezy.

The really scary thing is that in the midst of strep throat and trying to move out of my apartment last month, I discovered a lump in my breast while showering one day. I've lost 20 pounds since December so at first I thought that it may be related to that. But, here it is 3 weeks later and the lump is still there. I'm absolutely terrified. Thankfully there isn't a history of breast cancer in my family and I'm fairly young for this, but.

So, because I'm uninsured I'm going to wait and see and try not to think about it. I check it once in awhile to see if it is growing/shrinking/changing and unless it changes I'm just going to have to wait. I'm not a good waiter....

Hopefully I find employment (and insurance!) soon.

What are you Selling?

Today I had a couple of interviews for a management training program. I usually know when I walk out whether I have the job or not and today I wasn't sure, so I'm thinking that I didn't quite wow them.

As I've been searching the web and the want ads trying to find SOMETHING that I'm not too overqualified for and SOMETHING that gets me excited, I find myself looking at sales jobs. And then I realize that I don't have the requisite 2-3 years experience that most of the entry level positions require.

Then I think, "Wait a minute, I've got sales experience!" I've been selling myself, my ideas and my company (when I worked in HR) for a long time! Think about it.

Isn't an interview really a Sales presentation? Isn't a first date also the same thing? You present your product/service (you, your interests/abilities/qualifications) and hope that your prospect will buy.

Yesterday I attended a career fair on campus. It was humbling to note the number of fellow grads who were there doing the "Pick Me! Pick Me!" dance too. I realized that I am not the only one who is struggling.

Finally I'm beginning to feel better. It's been a month of taking my meds as prescribed and eating healthier (no more just toast for lunch and dinner). I really allowed the dark clouds to get thick before I sought help.

A few weeks ago I realized that things were getting bad when I found myself thinking about what I would wear for my funeral. Yes people, I was upset that I didn't have an appropriate outfit to wear when I'm dead. I quickly realized that most rational people do not think about these things. After all, aren't these decisions made without input from the deceased? Anyway, I want to be cremated so the outfit dilemma is really a moot point. So, as I talked myself through that, I realized that I hadn't been out of my apartment in days except to run to the mailbox or take the cat out for a quick sniff of the grass. So, I drove to my bff's house and she freaked out on me. She was really scared and upset because she had thought of stopping by to check on me but had been too busy.

The bff and her husband offered to let me move in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet. They really wanted me to get out of the dark cave that my apartment had become and stay at a place where sleeping all day isn't allowed (they have small children) and there is someone around to check on me and keep me motivated. As much as I hated to impose, it really made a lot of sense. So, for the past few weeks I've been getting used to my new home and trying to establish a routine and set goals for my future.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Growing Pains


Last week I went to the Doctor to try to get my medications back on track and hopefully start feeling better. She lectured me about not taking care of myself and for neglecting to follow up with her last year like I was supposed to.


I realize that I need to start putting myself first again. I was really focused on that about a year and a half ago after I had a really severe panic attack. At the time I wasn't sure what happened and described it as a breakdown. Having had similar attacks since however, I realize what it truly was. It was a very scary time though, and I thought that I was losing it or dying or both. So many demands were being placed on me and I just couldn't cope. So, I withdrew from everything and everyone and just did what I absolutely had to and focused on relaxing. For a long time I felt like a fragile egg that might break at any moment. I had to tread carefully through life. Slowly I started feeling better though and was able to jump back in to work and school and life. It felt good. But in time, the old habits returned. Everyone else's needs and the demands of school and work took center stage and I just kept telling myself, tomorrow, okay tomorrow, next week, until here I am 6 months later and back where I was then.


I could feel myself slipping back there again in recent months. The clouds above me were getting darker and more ominous. So, I realized that the only way I'm going to get better is to take action.


I was finally able to sit down and make goals for the future. I'm excited at this seemingly simple task, but for a long time I had to focus on getting through one day at a time, one class at a time. I couldn't plan forward beyond the present day. So, for me to actually say that these things are what I want to accomplish this year is really kind of huge for me!


What precipitated a lot of this is that my sister just got engaged. They are planning to get married over Labor Day weekend. I'm really excited for her even though I'm the oldest and soon to be lone single sibling. What people don't realize is that I came to grips with this reality many years ago. Sis has been on the marriage track for nearly a decade and given the fact that I'm lucky to have a relationship last 3 months, it seems kind of obvious who would be first.


She has asked me to be her maid of honor so I realized that I need to sit down and do some number crunching to figure out how much money I will need to save by fall.


I'm really nervous about my role mainly because she hasn't always been the kind of sister that I had hoped she would be. There have been times when she was incredibly abusive to me and a time when a friend was actually worried for my safety. She is not the person I turn to when I need a hug or an encouraging word by any stretch although those are exactly the things that I give her hoping that some day she will return the favor. Anyway, being a bride has given license to her extreme behavior already and she's just getting started. I asked our mom for advice and was given a lecture instead (I really can't win with these people!)


I kind of feel like everyone is turning against me right now. I know that a lot of it is because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing and they are frustrated with me. I'm just trying to find my own path and it's taking me longer than anyone (including me) thought it would. I'm trying to grow up and become the person that I'm meant to be and sometimes that is difficult and painful. I've resisted this for a long time because it was the easy path. And as painful as it is to admit, my family and friends readily stepped in to help me out.


Unlike my sister and brother who have always been more independent, I was raised to always lean on mom and dad. They've always been there when I needed them, and many times when I really wanted to do things on my own or didn't feel I needed their help, they stepped in anyway. After awhile, it gets easy to let them take over and you develop the idea that they will always be there. At times I would get frustrated that I would lose a say over how things were being done and resented the arguments over how I was living my life, but I didn't really see a need to change the status quo.


Over the years, I've realized that I need to make a change and need to start becoming more independent, but it's hard. How do you start? If you've never really been independent, how do you get there? In a way, I kind of feel like a housewife who's husband has abandoned me for his secretary. The type of woman who was solely dependent on her man for everything and is now left penniless. It's overwhelming to even think about.


Getting my own apartment 3 years ago was a HUGE step. I'd never lived alone before. I'd always had my best friend or sister to keep me in line and help pick up the slack. And, to be honest, I'd never really wanted to live alone. The thought terrified me. I was afraid I'd be bored or that something bad would happen to me. But, after the horrible fight with my sister when I realized what a monster she truly was, I decided that I couldn't take it any more and I moved out a few weeks later.


I wish there was an Idiot's Guide to being an Adult or some kind of textbook for this, with self-tests and questionnaire's on how to be the person you were meant to be. Hmmm, maybe once I get through this, I can write one! LOL.


I really wish everyone was more supportive, patient and understanding and there for me right now, but they're slowly jumping ship one by one. In a way I don't blame them, but at the same time, I feel like I need them! But I also realize that in a way, they are doing what needs to be done and what's long over due- giving me space to figure this out for myself, by myself. Uggh!








Sunday, January 11, 2009

I Did It!

Well, it's official- I graduated! I was waiting to write about this until I knew for sure. I was afraid that I may not quite make and come up short like I usually do and that I would have to retake a class or something.

So, last week I went to campus to verify that I was done and I can't believe it, but I really am!

I was so happy that I started crying as I walked back to my car.

This has been such a long journey and one that I kind of doubted that I would ever finish. I just never thought that I'd ever make it to then end. Even at my Graduation party in December I was overcome with nerves. For the final two weeks of class I could scarcely eat because I was so nervous over whether my grades would be good enough for me to finish.

Anyway, I'm so happy that I finished what I started! So often in the past I will get excited and start a project and then after awhile I will get bored, frustrated, distracted or just give up. It's always been hard for me to perserve and maintain the willpower to see something through to the end. There's always something that comes up and blocks my good intentions.

The thing is that I spent so much time and effort focusing on the finish line that I didn't give any thought as to what to do once the "race" was over. So, I'm now trying to figure that out. I don't know what I want to do.

I am looking forward to focusing on the things I've missed the past 3 years and believe it or not, but I'm looking forward to having a steady job that I have to get up and go to every day. We'll see how long that feeling lasts, but really I do miss being a part of the rat race. I think most of it stems on being able to better support myself financially and have the money to do at least some of the things I'd like to do, but I really miss contributing to an organization.

So, I'm excited to see what life has in store for me. This seems like a great way to start the New Year though!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Looking Forward and Looking Back

First off, Happy New Year to all of you! I'm really looking forward to putting 2008 behind me and excited and hopeful for all the good things to come. I finished school and graduated and the future is still a big question mark, but I'm making goals for myself and thinking of what I want to do. The hard part is that I had started looking forward to a future with a certain guy and his dog and so now I have to go back and rewrite that and create a new plan.

I've debated whether or not to write a post on this. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the situation but I think enough time has passed that I can write this without having to stop due to the tears.

If you haven't noticed, I have been rather reserved in writing about "M" in this forum. This is mainly due to the fact that he reads this blog and I wanted to keep a few things in reserve.

Now that he has walked away from the train wreck that is my life, I feel a bit more free to say what I wanted to say all along.

When I met "M" I wasn't looking to meet anyone- just looking for someone to hang out with once in awhile when my schedule permitted. I knew that I wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. I had too much on my plate and couldn't afford to take my eye off the ball (graduation). Also, I knew that I still had work to do on me. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life financially or emotionally and I needed time to work through all of that before I felt I was ready to date anyone, let alone be the kind of girl that would attract the kind of guy I wanted to meet.

Then I met him. And all of my good intentions went out the window. I really wanted to make it all work because he was sooo worth it, but in the end I couldn't. The day I met him I felt that he was the kind of guy I could marry some day. If I could be so lucky.

The last day I saw him I was still amazed at how just the site of him can take my breath away and how much I can't help smiling, even through the tears. I feel like such a fool for blowing this. I knew that things were strained between us but I was looking forward to the New Year and getting back to the way things were before the holidays.

And yet, I feel that I am not enough for him. I suspect that he has always been looking for someone better, and perhaps he found her which is why he walked away. Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a relationship due to my life circumstances, but I fear that it is something else, something I'm not aware of. Initially I felt almost relieved when he ended things because I no longer had to fear being such a disappointment to him.

I do not doubt that he truly cared about me. That was never a question. It showed in everything he did and said. The last night I spent with him I woke to find him sleeping in the middle of bed, leaving me hanging on the edge. I gently nudged him and asked if he could move over and in his sleep he said "of course, you know that I'd do anything for you."

A week later he broke up with me.

I was so disappointed because I was really looking forward to giving him his Christmas present. A few months ago he mentioned a John Wayne western that contained a quote that was meaningful to him. Since I lacked funds to buy him anything and any gift ideas I could think of seemed unimaginative, I decided to sketch a picture of John Wayne and write out the quote from the movie below his portrait and then frame it.

I was soo excited to see the look on his face when he opened it. I haven't been that excited about giving a gift since my oldest niece was first born! Now I'll never know how he would've reacted.

A year ago I read a quote that has felt very meaningful to me lately. It says: "Every time a heart cracks... somewhere, something beautiful is being born."

I can't wait to find out what it is. I'm ready.