Prayers for the Easter Bunny

Last weekend (the one before the Blizzard), I went to church with the parents. This is something I generally try to avoid at all costs. I actually hadn't been since 2 Christmases ago. For many years I tried faking it and just getting through it, but eventually I became less concerned with trying to make my mom happy and just dropped the charade.

Holidays are still kinda tricky though since attending church is deeply ingrained in our family celebrations. Being unmarried/uncoupled also takes away the "conflicting plans" excuse. Because of this and because I've come to view attending Mass as a "free" gift to my parents, I will occasionally attend on a holiday.

So I'm sitting in the sanctuary and all is well when the priest starts his sermon about finding the light in the darkness of the world. Suddenly the waterworks start flowing! People I started bawling! In church! I was sooo embarrassed and confused. Where did this come from? I successfully hid it from my parents (thank you seasonal allergies), but I'm sure those sitting around me caught on. I haven't cried like that in a church since my former bff's mom's funeral a year ago!

After much reflection though I figured it out. See, I don't have anything against people who go to church. If it works for you, then I am happy for you. And actually I'm a bit jealous. I quit going because I realize that for me, praying to God is just like praying to the Easter Bunny. There is just no meaning there for me.

As much as I wish that I could see God as a beacon of light in the darkness (boy could I use some candle light in the cave right now), I just see him as a mythical icon like Santa or the Tooth Fairy invented to discipline children and control adults (those who no longer believe in Santa).

Yes, I agree that there are mysteries that cannot be explained and that there is a rhyme and rhythm to the Universe, but that all was created by some white haired guy sitting in the clouds? Not so much.

But, rather than mocking. I really wish I did believe. I wish that saying the prayers I learned in childhood meant more to me than as if I was reciting the alphabet. I wish that I could find comfort in sitting in the pew on Sunday. Some days I do, but most days I don't. I feel uncomfortable as if I'd showed up naked or interrupted something.

I wish I could get the warm fuzzy or sense of calm and well-being that most people probably feel by being there. The sense of community- that would be nice too.

That is why I cried. I cried because I wish I felt something that I don't. Kind of like when you go out on a date with a really great person, but don't feel that "spark" that makes you want to see them again.

Maybe I'll find my way back to church and to God, but right now I'm sad.

Scenes from a Marriage

No dear readers, I didn't go and get married! Actually, lately I'm really questioning whether that is a wise decision ever! See with my current living situation I get to be sort of a fly on the wall and get a unique perspective on marriage and family life.



Over the years I've witnessed it as a dinner guest or at one of the kids' birthday parties, but living here day to day is rather amazing and not really in a good way. I'm blown away at the amount of ugliness that occurs in the day to day happenings of a marriage. I guess the tiny resentments over running a household and the general living together pet peeves build over time and result in the ugly spewing of insults and baited barbs for the most mundane of reasons.



Most days I try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. I lay in bed awake and wait until they are all gone before I dare try to go to the bathroom. I use the excuse that I want to stay out of their way and not cause them to be late for their day, but the truth is I just want to avoid getting yelled at myself.



To be fair to my hosts, not every day is this ugly, but I'm amazed at how many are. This morning as I was preparing to write this the song "Hit me with your best shot" came on the radio. I had to laugh. No, these people don't throw punches, just mud, but it's still painful to witness most days.



One day my bff was venting about her dear husband and was complaining about how he wanted to pick a fight. I was surprised that she was surprised at this. So, I reminded her about how they've been arguing since the day they first met, so why would now be any different? She had to laugh at the memory and agreed that I had a good point.



Living through this reminds me of how "M" and I never argued. When we had a disagreement, we would sit down and discuss it rather than yell. He was adamant that he was not a fan of yelling and I'm not either so we made it a priority to work through things in a civil manner. But now I wonder how many things we didn't discuss, how many frustrations he kept to himself. Most of all I wonder if he finally realized that the relationship with me wasn't worth fighting for and just walked away. Sometimes maybe a good fight really is a good thing.



The relationship with a I dated last summer was the complete opposite. We rarely had a conversation that didn't end in an argument. It was incredibly frustrating at how frequently misunderstandings occurred. It was like I would say "blue" and he thought I said "red" and then it was on. Finally I just got tired of it all. One day we were IM'ing and he was trying to pick a fight. I wasn't in the mood and he kept trying to bait me. I asked him point blank if he ever got tired of fighting. He refused to answer the question and kept on pushing my buttons. When I repeated the question and still didn't get an answer, I finally told him I was done and walked away. I realized that the relationship would always be like this and the good stuff wasn't worth putting up with the bad.



For now I'm just going to try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire and see what lessons can be learned from this unique perspective on marriage.

What will they think of next?

I just had to share this link. Very strange. I love sushi and all, but really don't think I could eat this. Just too creepy.

Yesterday I enjoyed a nice afternoon with the family I'm staying with. I discovered that their neighbor has a dog who looks just like "M's" dog but with brown spots instead of black ones. Seeing the dog made me sad.

Tonight I'm excited to spend time with my cat. While I'm technically homeless, my cat is staying with my sister. Since my sister just left on vacation, it gave me a good excuse to spend some quality time with "my girl." She has been very excited to have me around to love on her.

The end of "M"?

After my previous post about "M" and the breakup, he contacted me. It was great to hear from him and get clarification about his reasons and thought process.

For the record: there wasn't another woman.

But, hearing from him also made me incredibly sad and then angry. Although I enjoyed his emails, it was frustrating because I wanted more! I wanted to see him, snuggle with him and listen to him talk about his day or tell a funny story about his dog, not read it online while at work. It was almost as if he regretted breaking up with me, but we're still broken up, so obviously he didn't come begging me to take him back.

So, after a few days of this, I just quit emailing him. I was too angry and needed time to process my thoughts. Plus, I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him right now. So, I need to allow him to move on and find someone else.

In the meantime, my bff and I talked a lot about the stuff I learned from "M" and she was initially optimistic that we would eventually reconcile. What I didn't count on was that when I reached the anger phase she took his side! She stuck up for him! That REALLY pissed me off! But, deep down I knew she was right and that he did the right thing, but at that moment, wow I was hurt.

Now the silence is deafening. As much as I know he needs to move on and I'm trying to stay busy picking up the pieces of the Tornado Aftermath that my life has recently become, I feel like I need him more than ever. He was quickly becoming one of my best friends and I really need my friends right now.

But, I know that he has his reasons for staying away and although I don't necessarily agree with him, it's okay. I really can't blame him. Nothing has really changed. The reasons he left are still there, probably more so than they were a few months ago. I'm not making the progress that he probably hoped I would.

I still dream about him pretty frequently. I dream that I run into him at the grocery store and things like that. The other night I dreamt that I found his dog wandering the streets like he had gotten loose and ran off while out for a walk. I called "M" and he then contacted his girlfriend who was taking care of the dog for him. Yes people, even in my dream I'm a realist. Some would say that I'm a pessimist, but I prefer the term "Realistic Optimist."

So, for now this is the last post about "M." I don't see things changing in the short term. I miss him, but I know that his life is probably better without me in it right now. As much as I wholeheartedly agree with the saying "the people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least," I know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself and that I have to accept his decision like it or not.

As much as I wanted to agree with my bff and hope for a future reconciliation, I just can't allow myself to go there. Okay sometimes I dream about it, but the dreams are always a couple of years from now.

The reason I can't is because there was once another guy who cared about me and walked away because he got tired of waiting for me to grow up. When we met I had just gotten out of a long term relationship so all I wanted to do was go out and party and flirt and have fun. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but fell for him anyway. Because we worked together the relationship was very short lived but we became really great friends. I always knew that "A" and I would get back together. It just seemed destined to happen. We stayed in touch over the years and always talked about getting together for a beer or whatever, but we never did. The timing was always off. He would call me and I was dating someone. Months later I would email him and he was dating someone. We went on like this for several years! Then a few years passed without talking. He was going through some stuff so I gave him time and space to deal with what he was going through then I decided to call him. He was surprised to hear from me after all that time and explained that he had gotten married a few months earlier! I was absolutely devastated. My dreams of "A" were shattered. It took me a really long time to get over that. I had so many things I regretted. I regretted all the times I should have called, that I should have been there for him. Had I stepped up and not been afraid then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

As much as I kind of hope that "M" is secretly pining away for me and waiting for me to get my shit together, my sincere hope is that he finds the happiness he deserves. I want that for him more than anything. I want him to be happy and with someone who treats him well and spoils him rotten. As my bff says "he's a GOOD man." He really, really is and I hope that he finds someone who agrees and shows him every day how grateful she is to find him.

The Cost of Being Uninsured

We hear on the news a lot about the rising number of people who are uninsured. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be without health insurance? I never really thought about it until I was laid off nearly 4 years ago and could no longer afford my premiums.

Since then I've learned to become a better consumer of health care and had to learn to live without a lot of things I once considered necessities.

Recently it's become more frustrating to be uninsured. A couple of years ago my doctor and I discussed a procedure that she thinks would be helpful to discovering why I've been having trouble regulating my medications. The procedure would cost $1200. Because of that, I still haven't had it.

On Valentine's Day I ended up at the Immediate Care clinic. I was sooo sick but had put off going to the doctor thinking it was a virus, that I would get better in a few days. Unfortunately I just kept getting worse. It all started the weekend before when I had trouble swallowing. As the doctor who treated me explained, had I gone to visit her then, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. I had a pretty high fever, could hardly walk and was just miserable. Turns out I had strep throat. It cost me $25 just to say hello, not counting the cost of the lab work to diagnose me and the $25 prescription they recommended. A week and a half later, I wasn't doing much better. So I called my doctor and they prescribed another antibiotic. I called the pharmacy to find out the cost and nearly fell over when they said it was $130! For five pills. My bff paid for it and thankfully I got better. I really couldn't afford not to. Shortly after I got sick my bff got sick. She too had to get a 2nd antibiotic to get over it. She was prescribed the same one I was. The difference being that with insurance her cost was $20 vs. the $130 that I paid. That just doesn't seem fair.

It's been 4 1/2 years since I've seen the dentist. I have a cracked filling but so far the pain is intermittent. I'm going to wait to have it fixed until I can no longer chew on that side or until I get dental insurance, which ever comes first. Meantime, I've become fanatical about brushing and flossing.

I've learned to live without my allergy medicince although in the past few days I'm realizing that I may have to find a way to afford it again. I'm not sure if it's the remnant of my illness or the early blooms of the season but I'm still kind of sniffly and sneezy.

The really scary thing is that in the midst of strep throat and trying to move out of my apartment last month, I discovered a lump in my breast while showering one day. I've lost 20 pounds since December so at first I thought that it may be related to that. But, here it is 3 weeks later and the lump is still there. I'm absolutely terrified. Thankfully there isn't a history of breast cancer in my family and I'm fairly young for this, but.

So, because I'm uninsured I'm going to wait and see and try not to think about it. I check it once in awhile to see if it is growing/shrinking/changing and unless it changes I'm just going to have to wait. I'm not a good waiter....

Hopefully I find employment (and insurance!) soon.

What are you Selling?

Today I had a couple of interviews for a management training program. I usually know when I walk out whether I have the job or not and today I wasn't sure, so I'm thinking that I didn't quite wow them.

As I've been searching the web and the want ads trying to find SOMETHING that I'm not too overqualified for and SOMETHING that gets me excited, I find myself looking at sales jobs. And then I realize that I don't have the requisite 2-3 years experience that most of the entry level positions require.

Then I think, "Wait a minute, I've got sales experience!" I've been selling myself, my ideas and my company (when I worked in HR) for a long time! Think about it.

Isn't an interview really a Sales presentation? Isn't a first date also the same thing? You present your product/service (you, your interests/abilities/qualifications) and hope that your prospect will buy.

Yesterday I attended a career fair on campus. It was humbling to note the number of fellow grads who were there doing the "Pick Me! Pick Me!" dance too. I realized that I am not the only one who is struggling.

Finally I'm beginning to feel better. It's been a month of taking my meds as prescribed and eating healthier (no more just toast for lunch and dinner). I really allowed the dark clouds to get thick before I sought help.

A few weeks ago I realized that things were getting bad when I found myself thinking about what I would wear for my funeral. Yes people, I was upset that I didn't have an appropriate outfit to wear when I'm dead. I quickly realized that most rational people do not think about these things. After all, aren't these decisions made without input from the deceased? Anyway, I want to be cremated so the outfit dilemma is really a moot point. So, as I talked myself through that, I realized that I hadn't been out of my apartment in days except to run to the mailbox or take the cat out for a quick sniff of the grass. So, I drove to my bff's house and she freaked out on me. She was really scared and upset because she had thought of stopping by to check on me but had been too busy.

The bff and her husband offered to let me move in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet. They really wanted me to get out of the dark cave that my apartment had become and stay at a place where sleeping all day isn't allowed (they have small children) and there is someone around to check on me and keep me motivated. As much as I hated to impose, it really made a lot of sense. So, for the past few weeks I've been getting used to my new home and trying to establish a routine and set goals for my future.