Saturday, November 22, 2008

What Now?

I've talked to "M" more about this time-out and we both agree that it really sucks. He has repeatedly reassured me that it is temporary and that he isn't looking to see other people etc.

But, something still felt "off." I know that a lot of it has to do with us trying to navigate this time-out thing and still maintain contact while allowing time for me to do what I need to do.

Anyway, the past few days I've noticed that he has been on IM a lot and that coupled with his repeated statements of how I'm going to find someone better, well, I just felt like something was up. So, I searched the online personals and saw that his "ad" is still active and that he was online at that very moment either searching or chatting. WTF??

I'm curious if the chicks he is talking to know that he is supposed to meet my parents at Thanksgiving next week? It just doesn't make sense!

I'm hurt and confused and just frustrated that he wasn't' more honest with me. He has assured me that he wasn't looking to meet anyone else, that there wasn't anyone else (reason for the time out) and even asked me out on a date for next week! I'm not sure how he's NOT looking for someone if he's on an online dating site and has updated his profile!

As much as I hope that there is a good explanation for this, I'm really worried that there isn't.

Part of me just wants to be done with him and walk away for good. But, the part that cares for him and wants to trust that everything up to this point hasn't been all lies wants to hear what he has to say and see if there is anything worth salvaging there.

I really don't have time for the stress that this is causing me! Another reason why walking away for good looks really appealing right now.

This is really not how I saw this going. I was really hopeful that we were going to weather the storm of this phase and come back even better. Now, I just don't know.

~~~
Searching for a part-time job right now really sucks! There isn't much out there it seems and the pay is just crappy. I'm getting really scared that I'm not going to find anything.

On a positive note, I have 3 more weeks left of school.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

It's all about timing...

My timing has always sucked. Except for the day I was born, when I arrived 4 days early, I've always struggled to be on time. I also have an embarrassing tendency to say something mildly inappropriate in a public venue right as the room gets quiet, causing everyone to look at me.

So, I wasn't all too surprised on Friday when "M" called a time-out in our relationship. The timing is just wrong. I need to focus on school and finding adequate employment to support myself and unfortunately he's just a distraction. THIS SUCKS!

I enjoy having him as a distraction- he's welcome and needed, but still, I need to focus. THIS SUCKS!

I'm really angry and sad about this turn of events. I'm also scared that it means that I'm one step closer to losing him for good. I'm sad that this has caused him as much stress as it's caused me and sad that it means that I don't get to see him as much for the time being. I'm scared because I don't know what the rules are in "time-out." How does this work? Yeah, we'll stay in touch, still see each other, but when? This is all new territory for me. I'm really pissed off that this is sooo not what I want and I really hate not getting my way.

Mostly though, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've failed him, our new relationship and most importantly myself. I'm really kicking myself for getting into the situation I am now in where this is the best option for us right now and for a potential "us" in the future.

The one bright spot is that I got to hear how "M" feels about me, which is always nice. I had suspected these things, but sometimes you need to hear them. I'm glad that he took the time to tell me.

So, now it's back to the grind. I need to regroup, refocus and make a plan for my future. I need to get my shit together so that this time-out is as brief as possible.

~~~
Things at the non-profit are really messed up. As much as I admire our President and all that he has done to get our initiatives started, there is a real lack of leadership among the board and things are falling apart. It is really stressing me out because I want to see this succeed but at the same time, I am only one person and have limited time to devote to "the cause."

Friday I found out off-hand that a committee meeting had been scheduled without my knowledge. As the Administrative Assistant, my job is to attend all meetings and take minutes, help coordinate them, etc. This is troublesome because I'm being left out and not being allowed to do my job.

As much as I hate to do it, recent events have necessitated that I give them notice that I will be leaving at the end of the year. I need to find permanent full-time employment and can't jeopardize that by working for the non-profit 8-10 hours a week. I also feel that if I step down as their employee, they can focus the funds that paid my salary to more fruitful things and I can stay involved but as a volunteer. I'm hopeful that the reduced stress will help restore my confidence in the group.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Worrying is such a waste, but I can't help it!

It’s 34 days to go until school is done for semester and I graduate.

For some reason, it seems so far away still and yet, it’s coming really fast. I’ve worked for so long to get here and now it’s almost time, but I don’t think I’m ready!

There are so many things up in the air and so many things I need to wrap up. And yet, there are even more things that I am looking forward to. I’m ready for a steady job, with benefits and a steady paycheck. I’m ready for free time and not stressing every day about money and homework.

I’m ready to get back into a routine at home and in my life to lay the groundwork for working out regularly, eating better and improving things at home.

I’m ready to devote time to my hobbies and interests rather than to subjects that are boring and assignments that will have little or no value beyond the current semester.

I’m nervous too. I’m scared that I’ll come up short, scared that I’ll fail. I’ve been here so many times before it seems and I’m scared I’ll fall short again. I’m afraid that I’ll let everyone who is counting on me down and further strain relationships that are barely hanging by the thread of hope for my future. I’m afraid that I’ll find that the past 3 years have been a big waste of time and money due to the current economy and I won’t find a job where my education and experience are valued. I’m afraid that I’ll have to work 2 jobs for the next 5 years in order to pay off all of my debt. I really don't like all these loose ends!

A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I can do it. She made me cry. She’s right, I know I can, but I’m still scared that I’ll somehow fail.

Today though, I received a much needed pep talk of sorts at the Senior Luncheon on campus. It helped crystallize that this is quickly becoming a reality and that I can do it! Phew. I really needed that!

~~

Things with “M” are still awesome. He’s such a wonderful guy that I wonder what I did to deserve having him in my life and then I remember all the crap I’ve been through and know that I’ve paid my dues in that regard. I just really wish I could have met him a few months from now when my life is a bit more “put together.” Everything is messy and unsettled at the moment- not the greatest time to start a relationship. Thankfully, he has been extremely patient and understanding which just makes me adore him all the more.

It’s still weird how well we get along and how there is such a lack of drama between us. I’m kind of glad that there is no drama since I have more than enough in my own life right now. Unfortunately my drama kind of spilled over and recently made things a bit awkward, but we were able to talk through it and move on. As we get to know each other better though I’m sure that more things will crop up, but so far, it’s been refreshingly easy. So nice!

As things keep going, I'm starting to trust more that this is real, that I'm not being played and that it really is a good thing. For awhile there I really struggled with that. I'm not sure if it's the lack of drama (me needing to find something wrong with him) or if it was just all my past baggage catching up with me for a moment. I've also sensed that he has maybe struggled to trust me too. We met in such an unconventional and unexpected way that, well, it was kind of inevitable I think. I like that we can talk things out though and work through whatever is bothering us. It's all good.