It's all about timing...

My timing has always sucked. Except for the day I was born, when I arrived 4 days early, I've always struggled to be on time. I also have an embarrassing tendency to say something mildly inappropriate in a public venue right as the room gets quiet, causing everyone to look at me.

So, I wasn't all too surprised on Friday when "M" called a time-out in our relationship. The timing is just wrong. I need to focus on school and finding adequate employment to support myself and unfortunately he's just a distraction. THIS SUCKS!

I enjoy having him as a distraction- he's welcome and needed, but still, I need to focus. THIS SUCKS!

I'm really angry and sad about this turn of events. I'm also scared that it means that I'm one step closer to losing him for good. I'm sad that this has caused him as much stress as it's caused me and sad that it means that I don't get to see him as much for the time being. I'm scared because I don't know what the rules are in "time-out." How does this work? Yeah, we'll stay in touch, still see each other, but when? This is all new territory for me. I'm really pissed off that this is sooo not what I want and I really hate not getting my way.

Mostly though, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've failed him, our new relationship and most importantly myself. I'm really kicking myself for getting into the situation I am now in where this is the best option for us right now and for a potential "us" in the future.

The one bright spot is that I got to hear how "M" feels about me, which is always nice. I had suspected these things, but sometimes you need to hear them. I'm glad that he took the time to tell me.

So, now it's back to the grind. I need to regroup, refocus and make a plan for my future. I need to get my shit together so that this time-out is as brief as possible.

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Things at the non-profit are really messed up. As much as I admire our President and all that he has done to get our initiatives started, there is a real lack of leadership among the board and things are falling apart. It is really stressing me out because I want to see this succeed but at the same time, I am only one person and have limited time to devote to "the cause."

Friday I found out off-hand that a committee meeting had been scheduled without my knowledge. As the Administrative Assistant, my job is to attend all meetings and take minutes, help coordinate them, etc. This is troublesome because I'm being left out and not being allowed to do my job.

As much as I hate to do it, recent events have necessitated that I give them notice that I will be leaving at the end of the year. I need to find permanent full-time employment and can't jeopardize that by working for the non-profit 8-10 hours a week. I also feel that if I step down as their employee, they can focus the funds that paid my salary to more fruitful things and I can stay involved but as a volunteer. I'm hopeful that the reduced stress will help restore my confidence in the group.