Worrying is such a waste, but I can't help it!

It’s 34 days to go until school is done for semester and I graduate.

For some reason, it seems so far away still and yet, it’s coming really fast. I’ve worked for so long to get here and now it’s almost time, but I don’t think I’m ready!

There are so many things up in the air and so many things I need to wrap up. And yet, there are even more things that I am looking forward to. I’m ready for a steady job, with benefits and a steady paycheck. I’m ready for free time and not stressing every day about money and homework.

I’m ready to get back into a routine at home and in my life to lay the groundwork for working out regularly, eating better and improving things at home.

I’m ready to devote time to my hobbies and interests rather than to subjects that are boring and assignments that will have little or no value beyond the current semester.

I’m nervous too. I’m scared that I’ll come up short, scared that I’ll fail. I’ve been here so many times before it seems and I’m scared I’ll fall short again. I’m afraid that I’ll let everyone who is counting on me down and further strain relationships that are barely hanging by the thread of hope for my future. I’m afraid that I’ll find that the past 3 years have been a big waste of time and money due to the current economy and I won’t find a job where my education and experience are valued. I’m afraid that I’ll have to work 2 jobs for the next 5 years in order to pay off all of my debt. I really don't like all these loose ends!

A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I can do it. She made me cry. She’s right, I know I can, but I’m still scared that I’ll somehow fail.

Today though, I received a much needed pep talk of sorts at the Senior Luncheon on campus. It helped crystallize that this is quickly becoming a reality and that I can do it! Phew. I really needed that!

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Things with “M” are still awesome. He’s such a wonderful guy that I wonder what I did to deserve having him in my life and then I remember all the crap I’ve been through and know that I’ve paid my dues in that regard. I just really wish I could have met him a few months from now when my life is a bit more “put together.” Everything is messy and unsettled at the moment- not the greatest time to start a relationship. Thankfully, he has been extremely patient and understanding which just makes me adore him all the more.

It’s still weird how well we get along and how there is such a lack of drama between us. I’m kind of glad that there is no drama since I have more than enough in my own life right now. Unfortunately my drama kind of spilled over and recently made things a bit awkward, but we were able to talk through it and move on. As we get to know each other better though I’m sure that more things will crop up, but so far, it’s been refreshingly easy. So nice!

As things keep going, I'm starting to trust more that this is real, that I'm not being played and that it really is a good thing. For awhile there I really struggled with that. I'm not sure if it's the lack of drama (me needing to find something wrong with him) or if it was just all my past baggage catching up with me for a moment. I've also sensed that he has maybe struggled to trust me too. We met in such an unconventional and unexpected way that, well, it was kind of inevitable I think. I like that we can talk things out though and work through whatever is bothering us. It's all good.