Looking Forward and Looking Back

First off, Happy New Year to all of you! I'm really looking forward to putting 2008 behind me and excited and hopeful for all the good things to come. I finished school and graduated and the future is still a big question mark, but I'm making goals for myself and thinking of what I want to do. The hard part is that I had started looking forward to a future with a certain guy and his dog and so now I have to go back and rewrite that and create a new plan.

I've debated whether or not to write a post on this. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the situation but I think enough time has passed that I can write this without having to stop due to the tears.

If you haven't noticed, I have been rather reserved in writing about "M" in this forum. This is mainly due to the fact that he reads this blog and I wanted to keep a few things in reserve.

Now that he has walked away from the train wreck that is my life, I feel a bit more free to say what I wanted to say all along.

When I met "M" I wasn't looking to meet anyone- just looking for someone to hang out with once in awhile when my schedule permitted. I knew that I wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. I had too much on my plate and couldn't afford to take my eye off the ball (graduation). Also, I knew that I still had work to do on me. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life financially or emotionally and I needed time to work through all of that before I felt I was ready to date anyone, let alone be the kind of girl that would attract the kind of guy I wanted to meet.

Then I met him. And all of my good intentions went out the window. I really wanted to make it all work because he was sooo worth it, but in the end I couldn't. The day I met him I felt that he was the kind of guy I could marry some day. If I could be so lucky.

The last day I saw him I was still amazed at how just the site of him can take my breath away and how much I can't help smiling, even through the tears. I feel like such a fool for blowing this. I knew that things were strained between us but I was looking forward to the New Year and getting back to the way things were before the holidays.

And yet, I feel that I am not enough for him. I suspect that he has always been looking for someone better, and perhaps he found her which is why he walked away. Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a relationship due to my life circumstances, but I fear that it is something else, something I'm not aware of. Initially I felt almost relieved when he ended things because I no longer had to fear being such a disappointment to him.

I do not doubt that he truly cared about me. That was never a question. It showed in everything he did and said. The last night I spent with him I woke to find him sleeping in the middle of bed, leaving me hanging on the edge. I gently nudged him and asked if he could move over and in his sleep he said "of course, you know that I'd do anything for you."

A week later he broke up with me.

I was so disappointed because I was really looking forward to giving him his Christmas present. A few months ago he mentioned a John Wayne western that contained a quote that was meaningful to him. Since I lacked funds to buy him anything and any gift ideas I could think of seemed unimaginative, I decided to sketch a picture of John Wayne and write out the quote from the movie below his portrait and then frame it.

I was soo excited to see the look on his face when he opened it. I haven't been that excited about giving a gift since my oldest niece was first born! Now I'll never know how he would've reacted.

A year ago I read a quote that has felt very meaningful to me lately. It says: "Every time a heart cracks... somewhere, something beautiful is being born."

I can't wait to find out what it is. I'm ready.