Can't I just be done already???

Okay, my patience is wearing thin. I'm sooo done with school! I'm done! I've struggled and studied and sacrificed for this seemingly unattainable goal for 3 years now and it's getting really old!

Today I had a meeting with a bunch of city officials for work on our non-profit initiative. We were discussing the best dates/times for future meetings and I was the lone dissenting voice in the majority of dates/times. It was frustrating because most of the suggested times conflict with my class schedule. Granted it's only a day or two a month, but still... I was already skipping class today to make the meeting. Grrr.

Then, with my other job I just don't have time to devote to my assigned tasks and other things that I feel that the job requires. I constantly feel guilty about it and it just stresses me out.

And of course, because I had resigned myself to the idea that I didn't have time to date anyone, I meet the first guy in a very long time who is worth trying to rearrange my schedule for. But, there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes you really just have to do laundry and stay home and study when you'd much rather be snuggling with someone else. It really sucks!

So, what it all boils down to is this: school isn't fitting into my life anymore! I've outgrown it! But, it really is necessary and so I have to suffer a little while longer. Dammit! Gotta just grit my teeth and keep on keepin' on, but I'm going on record that I'm seriously pissed off about it.

~~~

Speaking of dating, yes I'm still spending a lot of time with "M." It just blows me away how awesome this has been so far. I keep trying to remind myself that life is a marathon and not a sprint (mostly in order to make myself feel better over my crazy schedule and conflicting priorities), and only time will tell if this thing has staying power, but so far things look really good. We click really well as friends and just enjoy spending time together. We can sit on the porch and discuss our day and not get bored or feel we need to be "doing something."

Right now I just feel really blessed to have met someone that I click with so well. I'm proud that I've finally attracted a "nice" guy and that I'm likewise equally attracted to him. I don't have to do the dog and pony show to get him to like me, he already does and I don't have to dwell on what his mixed signals mean because he just TELLS me how he feels and what he's thinking! Ahhh, so refreshing! Each day that I get to spend with him is awesome, so I'm just enjoying the journey and looking forward with a smile.

So this is what it's supposed to be like!

I've been spending more time with "M", the guy I met the other night and unexpectedly liked. Things just keep getting better and better (if you can judge that sort of thing in 3 days). =)

The refrain of an old Lionel Ritchie song keeps playing in my head "easy like Sunday morning." That's how this has gone for the most part. Yeah, we are both still freaked out at how all this has come about and how well we've clicked, we're still really digging it though and enjoying hanging out and getting to know each other better.

Last night we spent a couple of hours playing around on the computer. We were having fun, cracking up and it was just cool. I enjoy hanging out on his porch with him waiting for his dog to finish "his business" in the yard. I know, I'm totally screwed! It's fun waiting on the dog to take a shit! Really.

So, tonight he confirmed my suspicions that this isn't an unrequited feeling and he asked me out on a date. Yay! I'm excited to get to know him more and spend time with him in the outside world.

I was talking to my sister about it a bit today and she of course tried to burst my bubble. I just think she's wrong (as usual) and so I ignored her. It hurts that she can't ever be happy for me, even if she disapproves of how I live my life.

I think a lot of it is jealousy since I'm much more able to just "be me" without much fear over how others perceive me.

Okay, my finance homework won't finish itself, so I better put this one to bed.

The Agony of Attraction...

Last night I met the coolest, nicest guy I've met in a very long time. We met on one of the "casual" meetup sites and were looking forward to meeting. It was agreed that if any connection was made that it would remain a casual thing.

Wouldn't you know, I'm totally falling for him! Thankfully he's kind of digging me too, but we're both unsure of whether/how to proceed. This wasn't supposed to happen. We weren't supposed to click in a way that we start making other plans and talking about relationships and how we handle conflict.

It's still very early and I barely know him, but in a way, I feel I know what I need to. He's laid it all out there and I want to try this and see what happens. He told me that the only way it would end is if I screw it up! No pressure there, huh? I laughed and thanked him for already jinxing things. But, really, that's my biggest fear- that I'll screw up, that I already have.

He jokingly told me that I was no longer allowed to see other people. I'm just confused by the mixed signals. This was supposed to be simple and easy and even though I feel like I've known him forever, I'm hating how the feelings have suddenly complicated things.

A good guy friend once told me "it will happen when you least expect it." I get that now. I really didn't see this coming. It's good but it's not. I'm just scared. I've been wrong so many times before that it's hard to not doubt my own judgement.

Why???

Yay it's Friday!

Well, I heard again from "W." Yes he remembered me and asked if I was willing to take a chance and see what happens. Yikes! Of course I want to but yet.... In a way already knowing him is difficult because of the fear that others will find out about this. I don't want intimate details getting relayed to my former boss, etc. He has more to risk in this regard since he is the one who is married, but still.

I'm not sure how he gets away with doing this at work. Since I know his work schedule, I know that he is at work when he logs into the site. Some guys are such idiots with this stuff! The name of the site alone is enough to set off most internal web filters!

Anyway, no word from "T." I got a call Wednesday afternoon from a number I didn't recognize but the caller did not leave a message. He's like the 3rd person I've given my number to this week though, so who knows. Frustrating that they haven't called again or left a message. I almost called the number today to see who it was, but decided that whoever I'm with should have enough perseverance to leave a message.

At work I've been given another big research assignment. I know I'm a nerd but I love researching stuff on the web. It's just fun for me to find all the pieces of the puzzle. And, as you are going along, you find all kinds of stuff that is peripheral, but cool, interesting or whatever which take you in a whole new direction. I can spend hours and it just seems like minutes.

They laughed at how giddy I get doing this. Well, everyone has their own idea of fun right?

Moonlight Magic...

This week has been really bizarre so far. I've been out on the town a lot and seem to be bumping into potential suitors a lot more. Coincidence? Perhaps, but it's been fun regardless.

Monday night, I met a friend for a glass of wine so we could de-stress and enjoy the beautiful weather. I ran into "J" who was also there for dinner. It was nice to see him again and he seemed as surprised as I was to run into each other. And he gave me a hug! =)

Tuesday night I went out for a late dinner and a couple of beers after a work meeting. Just as my friend and I were preparing to leave, a guy (we'll refer to as "T") approached our table. I was tired and feeling rather anti-social. I just wanted to go home and crash by this point, but the guy was persistent. At first I wasn't sure what his motive was, so I came across as skeptical and jaded. Eventually though he mentioned "dinner" and then asked for my number. He's quite a bit younger, but he's cute and since guys never ask me out, why not? So, we'll see if he calls. He said he was going out of town for business and could be gone for a few weeks, so this will proceed slowly if at all. In a way I'm hoping he does call so I can redeem myself and get to know him better. He did seem kind of cool, but I'm not exactly holding my breath. Considering the circumstances, it's iffy I think.

Then tonight I was on a site for people looking for a "casual" relationship. This is where I've met most of the guys I've been involved with lately. Since I don't have time to date really, I felt that this was probably a decent way to meet someone to spend time with casually. Well, I was mistaken! The drama, games, and all around bull-shit is in full force here as much as it is anywhere else! Oh, and like 90 % of the guys on there are married... Really makes a girl question whether to ever trust a commitment.

Anyway, tonight I received an email from a married guy that I'll call "W." I'm kind of freaked out because I know him! We used to work together a few years ago and had definite sparks flying between us, but I didn't go there because he was married. And, because work. So... here he is, confirming what I suspected all those years ago about the state of his marriage. He didn't know that I'm "me" because I don't post my picture on there. But, I did email him back and included my picture. So, we'll see what he has to say. Maybe he doesn't remember me?

Regardless, it's kind of a precarious position because he and I have definite sparks. Things would have happened between us back then if I had allowed them to. I feel even more like I'm diving off a cliff than I did when I met "P."

School is fixing to become insane, so my posts will probably become more infrequent in coming weeks. My parents were really worried about me since they haven't seen or heard from me in awhile.

Figures... just as my love life sort of starts to look promising, I don't have time to date. =)

Crap! I'm a trendy demographic...

Geez, try as I might to avoid any sort of stereotyping (I'm over 30, never married, no kids, still in college... okay you get the picture), I read on MSN and see on Good Morning America or one of those shows that I'm a part of a new and trendy demographic. I'm an aunt and apparently that makes me appealing to advertisers.

I'll admit that I joined Savvy Auntie because I wanted to get the inside scoop on cool gifts and fun activities for all the little people in my life, not because I wanted to join "the sisterhood" of aunts worldwide who can't wait to spend their disposable income on other people's kids!

Anyway, it kind of rubbed me wrong for some reason.

~~~
Speaking of being annoyed, why do people feel the need to turn their stereo bass to full throttle? Can they not hear it? I mean I can tell you the comings and goings of every person with a tricked out car stereo who lives in my apartment complex even with the TV on, a/c running and (my favorite example) even when I'm totally asleep!

With the recent nightly dramas with my little outdoor wanna-be cat, I think my neighbor is really pissed off at me. But, instead of knocking on my door to complain, or stopping me in the parking lot to discuss it, he would rather make my floor and furniture vibrate (and no, not in a fun way) while he plays video games. I want to complain to management but I'm afraid that will open a can of worms where I end up punished worse (like evicted thanks to the cat), so I don't.
~~~
Hmmm. Saw my crush at work the other day. It was weird, he didn't acknowledge me. Yes, we were in a meeting and it wasn't appropriate to talk, but a wave, nod or smile would have been nice.

I sooo don't get men! Will I ever?
~~~
New guy alert: kinda cute older (as in older than the typical student) guy in one of my classes who I think kinda digs me too! Too bad I only get to see him once a week.

One minor nitpick: he needs to groom his hairy toes if he's going to wear flip flops. Yeah, it's doomed- I'm already trying to "fix" him and I don't even know his last name! I will give him props that he has nice feet, but you could put a barrette in his big toe hair! Seriously....

With that image planted in your brain, I better get back to work. Huge deadline looming!

School's Cool and Life's Good

I'm finally starting to get into the swing of a new semester (last one!) and juggling two jobs. It's been really challenging, but as long as I keep my calendar with me at all times and write everything down, I think I'll be okay.

A new semester always makes me happy. I love learning new subjects and just the intellectual "high" I get from school. Whenever I've had to sit out a semester or two, I've always missed it. And yet, by midterm I'm ready to be done already and go on to a new class, new topic or something more fun and less demanding. I know I'm a total nerd but I still get excited about buying shiny new notebooks, folders and pens at Target- just like I did as a kid! Spending $400 on textbooks is rather painful, but hopefully I can resell them and get enough back for a couple of Christmas gifts.

Speaking of demanding- this semester is really going to test my mettle! I'm realizing how much of a time commitment a couple of these classes are going to require and I'm a bit nervous.

~~~

A year ago I was really struggling. I had just been laid off from a temporary job that was supposed to run through the fall, but ended early. I was somewhat thankful since the office politics were positively toxic! To top it off, the manager was the type who didn't want to be the "heavy." She wanted to be everyone's friend and tried everything she could think of to avoid conflict.

Plus my direct supervisor really hated me and no matter how I tried, I could never win her over. She resented my presence from Day One.

It was the vortex of a really tough time for me. I was really depressed and didn't see a way out of the storm. All I could manage to do was sleep.

Thankfully, I got through it and my family and friends stood by me while I floundered.

Although my energy level has dropped a bit (not still functioning at that high strung girl on crack sort of pace-THANK GOD), but when I look back to where I was a year ago, I've still come a long way.

I am truly grateful to all who have continued to support me emotionally and even financially at times the past year and a half. At times even I wondered if I was worth it!

I feel like I'm just now starting to figure out who I am and grow into the adult I'm supposed to be. It's been a very long and painful road. But, I've also had way more fun than any one person should be allowed and learned sooo much about myself and all the awesome people and things on this planet!

Life's Good!