Growing Pains

Last week I went to the Doctor to try to get my medications back on track and hopefully start feeling better. She lectured me about not taking care of myself and for neglecting to follow up with her last year like I was supposed to.

I realize that I need to start putting myself first again. I was really focused on that about a year and a half ago after I had a really severe panic attack. At the time I wasn't sure what happened and described it as a breakdown. Having had similar attacks since however, I realize what it truly was. It was a very scary time though, and I thought that I was losing it or dying or both. So many demands were being placed on me and I just couldn't cope. So, I withdrew from everything and everyone and just did what I absolutely had to and focused on relaxing. For a long time I felt like a fragile egg that might break at any moment. I had to tread carefully through life. Slowly I started feeling better though and was able to jump back in to work and school and life. It felt good. But in time, the old habits returned. Everyone else's needs and the demands of school and work took center stage and I just kept telling myself, tomorrow, okay tomorrow, next week, until here I am 6 months later and back where I was then.

I could feel myself slipping back there again in recent months. The clouds above me were getting darker and more ominous. So, I realized that the only way I'm going to get better is to take action.

I was finally able to sit down and make goals for the future. I'm excited at this seemingly simple task, but for a long time I had to focus on getting through one day at a time, one class at a time. I couldn't plan forward beyond the present day. So, for me to actually say that these things are what I want to accomplish this year is really kind of huge for me!

What precipitated a lot of this is that my sister just got engaged. They are planning to get married over Labor Day weekend. I'm really excited for her even though I'm the oldest and soon to be lone single sibling. What people don't realize is that I came to grips with this reality many years ago. Sis has been on the marriage track for nearly a decade and given the fact that I'm lucky to have a relationship last 3 months, it seems kind of obvious who would be first.

She has asked me to be her maid of honor so I realized that I need to sit down and do some number crunching to figure out how much money I will need to save by fall.

I'm really nervous about my role mainly because she hasn't always been the kind of sister that I had hoped she would be. There have been times when she was incredibly abusive to me and a time when a friend was actually worried for my safety. She is not the person I turn to when I need a hug or an encouraging word by any stretch although those are exactly the things that I give her hoping that some day she will return the favor. Anyway, being a bride has given license to her extreme behavior already and she's just getting started. I asked our mom for advice and was given a lecture instead (I really can't win with these people!)

I kind of feel like everyone is turning against me right now. I know that a lot of it is because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing and they are frustrated with me. I'm just trying to find my own path and it's taking me longer than anyone (including me) thought it would. I'm trying to grow up and become the person that I'm meant to be and sometimes that is difficult and painful. I've resisted this for a long time because it was the easy path. And as painful as it is to admit, my family and friends readily stepped in to help me out.

Unlike my sister and brother who have always been more independent, I was raised to always lean on mom and dad. They've always been there when I needed them, and many times when I really wanted to do things on my own or didn't feel I needed their help, they stepped in anyway. After awhile, it gets easy to let them take over and you develop the idea that they will always be there. At times I would get frustrated that I would lose a say over how things were being done and resented the arguments over how I was living my life, but I didn't really see a need to change the status quo.

Over the years, I've realized that I need to make a change and need to start becoming more independent, but it's hard. How do you start? If you've never really been independent, how do you get there? In a way, I kind of feel like a housewife who's husband has abandoned me for his secretary. The type of woman who was solely dependent on her man for everything and is now left penniless. It's overwhelming to even think about.

Getting my own apartment 3 years ago was a HUGE step. I'd never lived alone before. I'd always had my best friend or sister to keep me in line and help pick up the slack. And, to be honest, I'd never really wanted to live alone. The thought terrified me. I was afraid I'd be bored or that something bad would happen to me. But, after the horrible fight with my sister when I realized what a monster she truly was, I decided that I couldn't take it any more and I moved out a few weeks later.

I wish there was an Idiot's Guide to being an Adult or some kind of textbook for this, with self-tests and questionnaire's on how to be the person you were meant to be. Hmmm, maybe once I get through this, I can write one! LOL.

I really wish everyone was more supportive, patient and understanding and there for me right now, but they're slowly jumping ship one by one. In a way I don't blame them, but at the same time, I feel like I need them! But I also realize that in a way, they are doing what needs to be done and what's long over due- giving me space to figure this out for myself, by myself. Uggh!

I Did It!

Well, it's official- I graduated! I was waiting to write about this until I knew for sure. I was afraid that I may not quite make and come up short like I usually do and that I would have to retake a class or something.

So, last week I went to campus to verify that I was done and I can't believe it, but I really am!

I was so happy that I started crying as I walked back to my car.

This has been such a long journey and one that I kind of doubted that I would ever finish. I just never thought that I'd ever make it to then end. Even at my Graduation party in December I was overcome with nerves. For the final two weeks of class I could scarcely eat because I was so nervous over whether my grades would be good enough for me to finish.

Anyway, I'm so happy that I finished what I started! So often in the past I will get excited and start a project and then after awhile I will get bored, frustrated, distracted or just give up. It's always been hard for me to perserve and maintain the willpower to see something through to the end. There's always something that comes up and blocks my good intentions.

The thing is that I spent so much time and effort focusing on the finish line that I didn't give any thought as to what to do once the "race" was over. So, I'm now trying to figure that out. I don't know what I want to do.

I am looking forward to focusing on the things I've missed the past 3 years and believe it or not, but I'm looking forward to having a steady job that I have to get up and go to every day. We'll see how long that feeling lasts, but really I do miss being a part of the rat race. I think most of it stems on being able to better support myself financially and have the money to do at least some of the things I'd like to do, but I really miss contributing to an organization.

So, I'm excited to see what life has in store for me. This seems like a great way to start the New Year though!

Looking Forward and Looking Back

First off, Happy New Year to all of you! I'm really looking forward to putting 2008 behind me and excited and hopeful for all the good things to come. I finished school and graduated and the future is still a big question mark, but I'm making goals for myself and thinking of what I want to do. The hard part is that I had started looking forward to a future with a certain guy and his dog and so now I have to go back and rewrite that and create a new plan.

I've debated whether or not to write a post on this. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the situation but I think enough time has passed that I can write this without having to stop due to the tears.

If you haven't noticed, I have been rather reserved in writing about "M" in this forum. This is mainly due to the fact that he reads this blog and I wanted to keep a few things in reserve.

Now that he has walked away from the train wreck that is my life, I feel a bit more free to say what I wanted to say all along.

When I met "M" I wasn't looking to meet anyone- just looking for someone to hang out with once in awhile when my schedule permitted. I knew that I wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. I had too much on my plate and couldn't afford to take my eye off the ball (graduation). Also, I knew that I still had work to do on me. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life financially or emotionally and I needed time to work through all of that before I felt I was ready to date anyone, let alone be the kind of girl that would attract the kind of guy I wanted to meet.

Then I met him. And all of my good intentions went out the window. I really wanted to make it all work because he was sooo worth it, but in the end I couldn't. The day I met him I felt that he was the kind of guy I could marry some day. If I could be so lucky.

The last day I saw him I was still amazed at how just the site of him can take my breath away and how much I can't help smiling, even through the tears. I feel like such a fool for blowing this. I knew that things were strained between us but I was looking forward to the New Year and getting back to the way things were before the holidays.

And yet, I feel that I am not enough for him. I suspect that he has always been looking for someone better, and perhaps he found her which is why he walked away. Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a relationship due to my life circumstances, but I fear that it is something else, something I'm not aware of. Initially I felt almost relieved when he ended things because I no longer had to fear being such a disappointment to him.

I do not doubt that he truly cared about me. That was never a question. It showed in everything he did and said. The last night I spent with him I woke to find him sleeping in the middle of bed, leaving me hanging on the edge. I gently nudged him and asked if he could move over and in his sleep he said "of course, you know that I'd do anything for you."

A week later he broke up with me.

I was so disappointed because I was really looking forward to giving him his Christmas present. A few months ago he mentioned a John Wayne western that contained a quote that was meaningful to him. Since I lacked funds to buy him anything and any gift ideas I could think of seemed unimaginative, I decided to sketch a picture of John Wayne and write out the quote from the movie below his portrait and then frame it.

I was soo excited to see the look on his face when he opened it. I haven't been that excited about giving a gift since my oldest niece was first born! Now I'll never know how he would've reacted.

A year ago I read a quote that has felt very meaningful to me lately. It says: "Every time a heart cracks... somewhere, something beautiful is being born."

I can't wait to find out what it is. I'm ready.