What Now?

I've talked to "M" more about this time-out and we both agree that it really sucks. He has repeatedly reassured me that it is temporary and that he isn't looking to see other people etc.

But, something still felt "off." I know that a lot of it has to do with us trying to navigate this time-out thing and still maintain contact while allowing time for me to do what I need to do.

Anyway, the past few days I've noticed that he has been on IM a lot and that coupled with his repeated statements of how I'm going to find someone better, well, I just felt like something was up. So, I searched the online personals and saw that his "ad" is still active and that he was online at that very moment either searching or chatting. WTF??

I'm curious if the chicks he is talking to know that he is supposed to meet my parents at Thanksgiving next week? It just doesn't make sense!

I'm hurt and confused and just frustrated that he wasn't' more honest with me. He has assured me that he wasn't looking to meet anyone else, that there wasn't anyone else (reason for the time out) and even asked me out on a date for next week! I'm not sure how he's NOT looking for someone if he's on an online dating site and has updated his profile!

As much as I hope that there is a good explanation for this, I'm really worried that there isn't.

Part of me just wants to be done with him and walk away for good. But, the part that cares for him and wants to trust that everything up to this point hasn't been all lies wants to hear what he has to say and see if there is anything worth salvaging there.

I really don't have time for the stress that this is causing me! Another reason why walking away for good looks really appealing right now.

This is really not how I saw this going. I was really hopeful that we were going to weather the storm of this phase and come back even better. Now, I just don't know.

~~~
Searching for a part-time job right now really sucks! There isn't much out there it seems and the pay is just crappy. I'm getting really scared that I'm not going to find anything.

On a positive note, I have 3 more weeks left of school.

It's all about timing...

My timing has always sucked. Except for the day I was born, when I arrived 4 days early, I've always struggled to be on time. I also have an embarrassing tendency to say something mildly inappropriate in a public venue right as the room gets quiet, causing everyone to look at me.

So, I wasn't all too surprised on Friday when "M" called a time-out in our relationship. The timing is just wrong. I need to focus on school and finding adequate employment to support myself and unfortunately he's just a distraction. THIS SUCKS!

I enjoy having him as a distraction- he's welcome and needed, but still, I need to focus. THIS SUCKS!

I'm really angry and sad about this turn of events. I'm also scared that it means that I'm one step closer to losing him for good. I'm sad that this has caused him as much stress as it's caused me and sad that it means that I don't get to see him as much for the time being. I'm scared because I don't know what the rules are in "time-out." How does this work? Yeah, we'll stay in touch, still see each other, but when? This is all new territory for me. I'm really pissed off that this is sooo not what I want and I really hate not getting my way.

Mostly though, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've failed him, our new relationship and most importantly myself. I'm really kicking myself for getting into the situation I am now in where this is the best option for us right now and for a potential "us" in the future.

The one bright spot is that I got to hear how "M" feels about me, which is always nice. I had suspected these things, but sometimes you need to hear them. I'm glad that he took the time to tell me.

So, now it's back to the grind. I need to regroup, refocus and make a plan for my future. I need to get my shit together so that this time-out is as brief as possible.

~~~
Things at the non-profit are really messed up. As much as I admire our President and all that he has done to get our initiatives started, there is a real lack of leadership among the board and things are falling apart. It is really stressing me out because I want to see this succeed but at the same time, I am only one person and have limited time to devote to "the cause."

Friday I found out off-hand that a committee meeting had been scheduled without my knowledge. As the Administrative Assistant, my job is to attend all meetings and take minutes, help coordinate them, etc. This is troublesome because I'm being left out and not being allowed to do my job.

As much as I hate to do it, recent events have necessitated that I give them notice that I will be leaving at the end of the year. I need to find permanent full-time employment and can't jeopardize that by working for the non-profit 8-10 hours a week. I also feel that if I step down as their employee, they can focus the funds that paid my salary to more fruitful things and I can stay involved but as a volunteer. I'm hopeful that the reduced stress will help restore my confidence in the group.

Worrying is such a waste, but I can't help it!

It’s 34 days to go until school is done for semester and I graduate.

For some reason, it seems so far away still and yet, it’s coming really fast. I’ve worked for so long to get here and now it’s almost time, but I don’t think I’m ready!

There are so many things up in the air and so many things I need to wrap up. And yet, there are even more things that I am looking forward to. I’m ready for a steady job, with benefits and a steady paycheck. I’m ready for free time and not stressing every day about money and homework.

I’m ready to get back into a routine at home and in my life to lay the groundwork for working out regularly, eating better and improving things at home.

I’m ready to devote time to my hobbies and interests rather than to subjects that are boring and assignments that will have little or no value beyond the current semester.

I’m nervous too. I’m scared that I’ll come up short, scared that I’ll fail. I’ve been here so many times before it seems and I’m scared I’ll fall short again. I’m afraid that I’ll let everyone who is counting on me down and further strain relationships that are barely hanging by the thread of hope for my future. I’m afraid that I’ll find that the past 3 years have been a big waste of time and money due to the current economy and I won’t find a job where my education and experience are valued. I’m afraid that I’ll have to work 2 jobs for the next 5 years in order to pay off all of my debt. I really don't like all these loose ends!

A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I can do it. She made me cry. She’s right, I know I can, but I’m still scared that I’ll somehow fail.

Today though, I received a much needed pep talk of sorts at the Senior Luncheon on campus. It helped crystallize that this is quickly becoming a reality and that I can do it! Phew. I really needed that!

~~

Things with “M” are still awesome. He’s such a wonderful guy that I wonder what I did to deserve having him in my life and then I remember all the crap I’ve been through and know that I’ve paid my dues in that regard. I just really wish I could have met him a few months from now when my life is a bit more “put together.” Everything is messy and unsettled at the moment- not the greatest time to start a relationship. Thankfully, he has been extremely patient and understanding which just makes me adore him all the more.

It’s still weird how well we get along and how there is such a lack of drama between us. I’m kind of glad that there is no drama since I have more than enough in my own life right now. Unfortunately my drama kind of spilled over and recently made things a bit awkward, but we were able to talk through it and move on. As we get to know each other better though I’m sure that more things will crop up, but so far, it’s been refreshingly easy. So nice!

As things keep going, I'm starting to trust more that this is real, that I'm not being played and that it really is a good thing. For awhile there I really struggled with that. I'm not sure if it's the lack of drama (me needing to find something wrong with him) or if it was just all my past baggage catching up with me for a moment. I've also sensed that he has maybe struggled to trust me too. We met in such an unconventional and unexpected way that, well, it was kind of inevitable I think. I like that we can talk things out though and work through whatever is bothering us. It's all good.

Ready or Not??

I just realized that there are only 2 months left of school! Yay! Now, I just have to get there- that's the hard part. So, 8 more weeks of struggling, studying, lack of sleep, no social life.... I can do it, right? I'm just really struggling with fatigue. It's more than just the typical college student exhaustion and has made it clear within the past couple of weeks that I need to get back on my meds. It's obvious that as much as I was hoping I was somehow cured, it was just an anomaly and I still need the drugs. I'm frustrated though since money is tight and I know that it will take several weeks for the levels to build in my system, so I'll be graduated before I see any real benefit most likely.

The other day one of my board members at the non-profit asked me about my plans post-graduation. I honestly had not thought about it- it seemed so far off still and yet, it's really not. So I decided then that I'd stick with them until March. Our current planning sessions with the city should wrap in March. That would be a good time to bring in someone new I think. I'm kind of ready to be done with the administrative thing. It's just not my strong suit and it has been a struggle. I want to still contribute to the organization, but would rather donate my time to a single committee rather than oversee all of them!

As for my Marketing job, I'm hopeful that I will be able to stick with them through the new year, but I know that the graduating during a recession is not the greatest idea ever. So, I'm trying to be realistic about the realities of the situation. Thankfully Wichita has been somewhat sheltered from the financial turmoil due to the aircraft industry boom, but that can only last so long.

There are so many things I want to do after December and so many things that I need to think about between now and then! I just realized that I need to plan a graduation party for myself, starting with a venue. That should be challenging considering it is in the midst of the holiday season!

Things with "M" are still going great. It's difficult to realize that it's only been 3 weeks when it seems like 3 months! I feel very lucky to have met him, although I know that luck is a small part of it. I know that I've paid my dues to get where I am today and that all of that was necessary to get here and in order to appreciate the great guy that he is. I just wish I had more time to spend with him and the resources to spoil him like he spoils me. At the moment all I can offer in the way of dinner is Ramen noodles or PB&J. So, I took him to the airport and picked him up when he got back the other night.

Today I heard again from "V." He again wanted to see me totally last minute. How was I ever okay with this? So, I just reminded him that I'm seeing someone. He was nice and wished me luck. Even if I hadn't met "M" I was so tired of V's habit of blowing me off at the last minute.

I'm glad that this weekend is Fall Break. I'm Ready!! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go out to the farm and see the family. I'm sure my nephew is getting sooo big! He was born August 4th and I haven't seen him since my Birthday in late August. I thought about asking "M" to tag along, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't want it to be a big deal, but try as I might, it's gonna be a big deal to my family to meet him. They haven't met anyone in about 15 years so, yeah, it's big. My sister convinced me to wait until the holidays though. She is much more knowledgeable about these things and helped me realize that trying to make it not a "thing" won't work.

Funnily enough, as I was contemplating this, "M" mentions that his mom is coming to town in a few weeks and that I may get to meet her. I wish I could say that I'm excited but I'm actually more curious to meet her and fill in the blanks of the stories that I've heard so far.

Finally, "M" is a bit jealous that his dog and I have taken such a liking to each other. I'm not sure he understands how ironic this is. I'm sooo not a dog person! They are big, loud, smelly, like to lick and eat gross things and slobber everywhere. But, I will say that his dog is a lot of fun. It's fun to play ball with him (when it's not covered in slime) and snuggle with him except when he hogs the bed and tries to wedge in between "M" and I. "M" is worried that the dog is becoming more mine than his and has threatened to get another dog! Great. Just what I wanted [can you sense the sarcasm?]! My theory is that the dog is just excited that there is a new person around who gives him attention. I think that it will wear off with time. Especially if it ever becomes apparent to him that I am a "cat" person!

It's like my plan to get to know the dog has backfired on me! I knew that "M" and the dog were a package deal, kind of like me and my cats. So, I made a point to befriend the dog. Now it bites me in the ass because the dog likes me more! LOL. Sooo not how I saw that one being played out.

Is it Art?

Many people still possess a negative opinion of the art of tattooing. They picture dirty needles, skulls and drunken servicemen. I feel that tattoos are so much more than "Mom forever" and thorny roses. So here are a few pictures I think help convey my theory that it is art and should be welcomed as such.

Slowly I'm Learning

The past 3 years have been about more than getting a traditional education, I've also grown up a lot and learned a great deal about myself. It's been a rather painful process, but one that I realize was highly necessary and long overdue.

In a recent post I mentioned that I realize how I've sold myself short over the years. I've accepted mere crumbs in relationships and did everything in my power to sustain something that was barely a relationship to begin with. It's really sad and embarrassing to realize how often I did this and think back on the guys that I thought were worth my time and attention who really were not.

This has been further emphasized to me in the past week while spending time with "M." Yes, I am still seeing him and things are going very well.

One evening I stopped by after a night class and he was sweaty from walking the dog. I offered to hang around while he took a shower. Before he left me, he asked if I needed a drink or anything. I shook my head "no" and explained that I was fine. He then looked at me and said "you aren't used to being treated like this are you?" It's so sad, but no I'm not and I told him as much.

This past weekend we spent most of the time together. He really spoiled me! Cooked me dinner, made me breakfast, it was really nice! It makes me happy that he cares enough to do these things, but makes me sad that I've never had this experience before now.

He's really raised the bar for me to attempt to spoil him in return. I'm excited to try though. He really deserves it. Not just for all that he does for me, but because he is such a great guy in many other ways too. I can tell that in a lot of ways he's not used to being spoiled either. Friday night he fell asleep while we watched TV, so I picked up our dinner dishes and took the dog outside. When I finally woke him up, he was surprised that I had done all of that.

Each day I look forward to seeing him or at least speaking to him. I'm curious about his day and miss him when I don't get to see him. It's only been a couple of weeks but seems a lot longer (but in a good way).

When my best friend first started dating her husband, I would make fun of them for "needing" to talk every day and being so lovey dovey when they were around each other. I just didn't get why they needed to do all of that and what on earth they had to say to each other every day. Now, I'm there. I get it.

~~

Things at work are going well. I'm just still frustrated at trying to find time to do it all. Last week was nuts with 3 tests to prepare for and a paper due. This week is much more manageable. And next week is 2 tests and Fall Break! Already?? Wow!

~~

Now for some Art! I really dig this blog ! I'm not really their target demographic, but the stuff they post never ceases to amaze. Here is a link to an artist who sketches on sidewalks using chalk. Absolutely brilliant!

Some things i really miss right now

As my final semester of school plugs along, I can't help but anticipate all the things I will be able to do with all the newly found free time! So, here's a list of things I can hardly wait for.

First of all I really miss reading for pleasure. There is a list of 200 plus titles that I'm itching to read. Last year I finally gave up adding to it since the list seemed too long already. I'm also in dire need of a vacation. Seriously February 2001 was the last one, not counting a weekend spent in Colorado when my niece was born. But that doesn't count since there was no alcohol consumed and my entire family was there. And that was even four years ago.

I want to paint and draw and sculpt something, anything! I want to volunteer. CASA, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Literacy Resources. These are all wonderful organizations that I long to devote my time to. Someday...

I miss Sunday family dinners. We haven't gotten together since August for my Birthday and I really miss seeing my nieces and nephew and how they've grown and changed and what's new in their worlds.

I want to have a girls weekend. Hell, at this point I'd take a girl's night! I really miss my girls. We don't get together like we did before I went back to school and I miss that connection. Plus, I've been really bad this year- forgetting special days in their lives.

This is going to sound funny, but I really miss working out! Once upon a time I had a gym membership and actually went on a regular basis. I was in the best shape of my life before I got sick six years ago. I can't wait to get back there!

Okay, I really don't miss this, but it frustrates me that I never have time for cleaning house, organizing my closet and desk and getting the recycling taken to the drop off place. I hate the clutter and trash and the stress that it all causes me!

Cooking! I miss being able to cook and bake. Even the holidays have been difficult the past couple of years because school manages to interfere with how much I can enjoy my time off.

Another nerdy one: I miss health insurance. Back before I was laid off, I took it all for granted! But, I was also a lot more proactive in getting my regular checkups and taking my medications as prescribed.

I miss KState football and going to games. I'm too busy to even follow the team and stay abreast of their record. I miss going out and seeing bands and movies and trying new restaurants. My scarce resources have hampered all of these.

I miss road trips to KC! I haven't been in nearly 3 years!! I used to go on day trips to other cities like Tulsa and tour museums and stuff, but it's been 5 years at least since I've done that.

Geez, I could go on, but life is all about trade-offs. Too many times through the years I put my education on hold for my job, for a man, for financial reason and even for fun. I just need to remember why I'm sacrificing and tough it out a bit longer.