Growing Pains

Last week I went to the Doctor to try to get my medications back on track and hopefully start feeling better. She lectured me about not taking care of myself and for neglecting to follow up with her last year like I was supposed to.

I realize that I need to start putting myself first again. I was really focused on that about a year and a half ago after I had a really severe panic attack. At the time I wasn't sure what happened and described it as a breakdown. Having had similar attacks since however, I realize what it truly was. It was a very scary time though, and I thought that I was losing it or dying or both. So many demands were being placed on me and I just couldn't cope. So, I withdrew from everything and everyone and just did what I absolutely had to and focused on relaxing. For a long time I felt like a fragile egg that might break at any moment. I had to tread carefully through life. Slowly I started feeling better though and was able to jump back in to work and school and life. It felt good. But in time, the old habits returned. Everyone else's needs and the demands of school and work took center stage and I just kept telling myself, tomorrow, okay tomorrow, next week, until here I am 6 months later and back where I was then.

I could feel myself slipping back there again in recent months. The clouds above me were getting darker and more ominous. So, I realized that the only way I'm going to get better is to take action.

I was finally able to sit down and make goals for the future. I'm excited at this seemingly simple task, but for a long time I had to focus on getting through one day at a time, one class at a time. I couldn't plan forward beyond the present day. So, for me to actually say that these things are what I want to accomplish this year is really kind of huge for me!

What precipitated a lot of this is that my sister just got engaged. They are planning to get married over Labor Day weekend. I'm really excited for her even though I'm the oldest and soon to be lone single sibling. What people don't realize is that I came to grips with this reality many years ago. Sis has been on the marriage track for nearly a decade and given the fact that I'm lucky to have a relationship last 3 months, it seems kind of obvious who would be first.

She has asked me to be her maid of honor so I realized that I need to sit down and do some number crunching to figure out how much money I will need to save by fall.

I'm really nervous about my role mainly because she hasn't always been the kind of sister that I had hoped she would be. There have been times when she was incredibly abusive to me and a time when a friend was actually worried for my safety. She is not the person I turn to when I need a hug or an encouraging word by any stretch although those are exactly the things that I give her hoping that some day she will return the favor. Anyway, being a bride has given license to her extreme behavior already and she's just getting started. I asked our mom for advice and was given a lecture instead (I really can't win with these people!)

I kind of feel like everyone is turning against me right now. I know that a lot of it is because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing and they are frustrated with me. I'm just trying to find my own path and it's taking me longer than anyone (including me) thought it would. I'm trying to grow up and become the person that I'm meant to be and sometimes that is difficult and painful. I've resisted this for a long time because it was the easy path. And as painful as it is to admit, my family and friends readily stepped in to help me out.

Unlike my sister and brother who have always been more independent, I was raised to always lean on mom and dad. They've always been there when I needed them, and many times when I really wanted to do things on my own or didn't feel I needed their help, they stepped in anyway. After awhile, it gets easy to let them take over and you develop the idea that they will always be there. At times I would get frustrated that I would lose a say over how things were being done and resented the arguments over how I was living my life, but I didn't really see a need to change the status quo.

Over the years, I've realized that I need to make a change and need to start becoming more independent, but it's hard. How do you start? If you've never really been independent, how do you get there? In a way, I kind of feel like a housewife who's husband has abandoned me for his secretary. The type of woman who was solely dependent on her man for everything and is now left penniless. It's overwhelming to even think about.

Getting my own apartment 3 years ago was a HUGE step. I'd never lived alone before. I'd always had my best friend or sister to keep me in line and help pick up the slack. And, to be honest, I'd never really wanted to live alone. The thought terrified me. I was afraid I'd be bored or that something bad would happen to me. But, after the horrible fight with my sister when I realized what a monster she truly was, I decided that I couldn't take it any more and I moved out a few weeks later.

I wish there was an Idiot's Guide to being an Adult or some kind of textbook for this, with self-tests and questionnaire's on how to be the person you were meant to be. Hmmm, maybe once I get through this, I can write one! LOL.

I really wish everyone was more supportive, patient and understanding and there for me right now, but they're slowly jumping ship one by one. In a way I don't blame them, but at the same time, I feel like I need them! But I also realize that in a way, they are doing what needs to be done and what's long over due- giving me space to figure this out for myself, by myself. Uggh!

I Did It!

Well, it's official- I graduated! I was waiting to write about this until I knew for sure. I was afraid that I may not quite make and come up short like I usually do and that I would have to retake a class or something.

So, last week I went to campus to verify that I was done and I can't believe it, but I really am!

I was so happy that I started crying as I walked back to my car.

This has been such a long journey and one that I kind of doubted that I would ever finish. I just never thought that I'd ever make it to then end. Even at my Graduation party in December I was overcome with nerves. For the final two weeks of class I could scarcely eat because I was so nervous over whether my grades would be good enough for me to finish.

Anyway, I'm so happy that I finished what I started! So often in the past I will get excited and start a project and then after awhile I will get bored, frustrated, distracted or just give up. It's always been hard for me to perserve and maintain the willpower to see something through to the end. There's always something that comes up and blocks my good intentions.

The thing is that I spent so much time and effort focusing on the finish line that I didn't give any thought as to what to do once the "race" was over. So, I'm now trying to figure that out. I don't know what I want to do.

I am looking forward to focusing on the things I've missed the past 3 years and believe it or not, but I'm looking forward to having a steady job that I have to get up and go to every day. We'll see how long that feeling lasts, but really I do miss being a part of the rat race. I think most of it stems on being able to better support myself financially and have the money to do at least some of the things I'd like to do, but I really miss contributing to an organization.

So, I'm excited to see what life has in store for me. This seems like a great way to start the New Year though!

Looking Forward and Looking Back

First off, Happy New Year to all of you! I'm really looking forward to putting 2008 behind me and excited and hopeful for all the good things to come. I finished school and graduated and the future is still a big question mark, but I'm making goals for myself and thinking of what I want to do. The hard part is that I had started looking forward to a future with a certain guy and his dog and so now I have to go back and rewrite that and create a new plan.

I've debated whether or not to write a post on this. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the situation but I think enough time has passed that I can write this without having to stop due to the tears.

If you haven't noticed, I have been rather reserved in writing about "M" in this forum. This is mainly due to the fact that he reads this blog and I wanted to keep a few things in reserve.

Now that he has walked away from the train wreck that is my life, I feel a bit more free to say what I wanted to say all along.

When I met "M" I wasn't looking to meet anyone- just looking for someone to hang out with once in awhile when my schedule permitted. I knew that I wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. I had too much on my plate and couldn't afford to take my eye off the ball (graduation). Also, I knew that I still had work to do on me. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life financially or emotionally and I needed time to work through all of that before I felt I was ready to date anyone, let alone be the kind of girl that would attract the kind of guy I wanted to meet.

Then I met him. And all of my good intentions went out the window. I really wanted to make it all work because he was sooo worth it, but in the end I couldn't. The day I met him I felt that he was the kind of guy I could marry some day. If I could be so lucky.

The last day I saw him I was still amazed at how just the site of him can take my breath away and how much I can't help smiling, even through the tears. I feel like such a fool for blowing this. I knew that things were strained between us but I was looking forward to the New Year and getting back to the way things were before the holidays.

And yet, I feel that I am not enough for him. I suspect that he has always been looking for someone better, and perhaps he found her which is why he walked away. Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a relationship due to my life circumstances, but I fear that it is something else, something I'm not aware of. Initially I felt almost relieved when he ended things because I no longer had to fear being such a disappointment to him.

I do not doubt that he truly cared about me. That was never a question. It showed in everything he did and said. The last night I spent with him I woke to find him sleeping in the middle of bed, leaving me hanging on the edge. I gently nudged him and asked if he could move over and in his sleep he said "of course, you know that I'd do anything for you."

A week later he broke up with me.

I was so disappointed because I was really looking forward to giving him his Christmas present. A few months ago he mentioned a John Wayne western that contained a quote that was meaningful to him. Since I lacked funds to buy him anything and any gift ideas I could think of seemed unimaginative, I decided to sketch a picture of John Wayne and write out the quote from the movie below his portrait and then frame it.

I was soo excited to see the look on his face when he opened it. I haven't been that excited about giving a gift since my oldest niece was first born! Now I'll never know how he would've reacted.

A year ago I read a quote that has felt very meaningful to me lately. It says: "Every time a heart cracks... somewhere, something beautiful is being born."

I can't wait to find out what it is. I'm ready.

Worst Christmas Gift Ever

Okay, I know you've all received those email quizzes where you have to fill out a questionnaire about yourself so your friends and co-workers will know you better. There is even a Christmas version with questions such as real vs artificial tree, etc.

Anyway, they also ask for the worst and favorite gifts you've ever received. Well, I ALWAYS win that!

For those of you who don't know- here is the true story of the worst gift I ever received. I wish I would have kept it and had it framed or at least photographed- somehow preserved it for evidence, but I will try to describe it the best I can.

It really gives a new meaning to the phrase, "You really shouldn't have..."

Several years ago I had been dating a guy for awhile and he tells me that his mom and a bunch of gifts for me. I was surprised. This was the first year that she had purchased anything for me and I was touched that she went to the trouble. Especially since there was more than one gift for me.

I started opening the gifts at my mom's house Christmas Day and I remember a ceramic figurine of 2 birds and an ornament and then the last box contained something homemade. I remember it took me a minute to figure out what it was. There was a piece of Christmas themed flannel (teddy bears and Christmas trees I think). I soon realized that it was a pair of women's underpants that were 2-3 sizes too small! I looked at the guy and said "she made me underwear?" He squirmed and said "Oh no she didn't make them." I looked at him even more puzzled since the undies were obviously handmade. He then explained that she FOUND THEM in a rental house that the tenant had abandoned, thought they were cute and decided to keep them. I looked at him in absolute horror "you mean they are USED?"

He got all defensive and said "she WASHED them!" Geez, thanks.

Because she was a really nice woman and I did care for her son, I wrote her a nice thank you note later, but I'm pretty sure that the undies were tossed along with the wrapping paper they were decorated with.

Really, you shouldn't have...

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and received great stuff- no recycled undies!

A really bad day

Okay, I've had a crappy week so far and today was just like a really bad sequel to the 3 previous "Monday's from hell" that I've had. You know how it goes, your period is late so PMS is way worse than normal and you have more days of PMS! That's been my week this week.

My "problem" kitty ran away. I officially realized she was really gone today when I opened the door to see if the food I put out for her "just incase" had been eaten and it was still there. I totally started bawling. She was such a pain in the ass and still I'm just devastated. I feel like I failed her in some way when the reality is that she is an outdoor cat. I just hope that someone with a yard has taken her in and is keeping her warm and well fed. My other cat and I miss her terribly.

Then tonight I'm half watching the local news before I head to class and see a guy a dated for about a minute a few years ago who I ended up getting a restraining order against. He's on the news trying to defend his employer for hiring him when he has a felony record and history of violence against women. This infuriates me because he works for a University supported program so my tuition is helping pay his salary. And the program he works for allows him access to more victims.

I understand that people make mistakes and pay their debt to society. I also believe that some can be rehabilitated but I've seen first hand how he talks a good game but in the end is a sick, and twisted criminal mind who has no business working anywhere near women.

I'm curious to find out how long he has been employed there because if he has been there since the restraining order was initiated, then University officials need to be notified. I have serious issues about why a background check was not done.

On a lighter note, graduation is coming very quickly. I can't wait to be done with school! I just need to figure out the "what next" part.

Thanksgiving was really nice. I enjoyed a great couple of days with "M." It was also great to introduce him to my family. They seem to like him and he seemed to have a good time too. I'm just looking forward to seeing what happens with him come January when things are less crazy for both of us. I really miss spending time with him. I feel like we miss out on a lot of what happens in each other's lives by not talking or seeing each other regularly.

It's kind of inevitable, but I now see him as being more human. He made a point to explain things and try to reassure me that my fears about him seeing other people are untrue. My trust in him has been altered now. It's not as absolute as it was before, which is fine for now. I think that in time it will either grow again or decline until we are over. Only time can tell. It's funny in a way because for the longest time, I wondered what was wrong with him! He seemed too great, too perfect, too wonderful! Now I know. He IS human. Not exactly a bad thing.

This is especially true considering all the rather unflattering things he has learned about me recently that also show that I'm not perfect either.

What Now?

I've talked to "M" more about this time-out and we both agree that it really sucks. He has repeatedly reassured me that it is temporary and that he isn't looking to see other people etc.

But, something still felt "off." I know that a lot of it has to do with us trying to navigate this time-out thing and still maintain contact while allowing time for me to do what I need to do.

Anyway, the past few days I've noticed that he has been on IM a lot and that coupled with his repeated statements of how I'm going to find someone better, well, I just felt like something was up. So, I searched the online personals and saw that his "ad" is still active and that he was online at that very moment either searching or chatting. WTF??

I'm curious if the chicks he is talking to know that he is supposed to meet my parents at Thanksgiving next week? It just doesn't make sense!

I'm hurt and confused and just frustrated that he wasn't' more honest with me. He has assured me that he wasn't looking to meet anyone else, that there wasn't anyone else (reason for the time out) and even asked me out on a date for next week! I'm not sure how he's NOT looking for someone if he's on an online dating site and has updated his profile!

As much as I hope that there is a good explanation for this, I'm really worried that there isn't.

Part of me just wants to be done with him and walk away for good. But, the part that cares for him and wants to trust that everything up to this point hasn't been all lies wants to hear what he has to say and see if there is anything worth salvaging there.

I really don't have time for the stress that this is causing me! Another reason why walking away for good looks really appealing right now.

This is really not how I saw this going. I was really hopeful that we were going to weather the storm of this phase and come back even better. Now, I just don't know.

~~~
Searching for a part-time job right now really sucks! There isn't much out there it seems and the pay is just crappy. I'm getting really scared that I'm not going to find anything.

On a positive note, I have 3 more weeks left of school.

It's all about timing...

My timing has always sucked. Except for the day I was born, when I arrived 4 days early, I've always struggled to be on time. I also have an embarrassing tendency to say something mildly inappropriate in a public venue right as the room gets quiet, causing everyone to look at me.

So, I wasn't all too surprised on Friday when "M" called a time-out in our relationship. The timing is just wrong. I need to focus on school and finding adequate employment to support myself and unfortunately he's just a distraction. THIS SUCKS!

I enjoy having him as a distraction- he's welcome and needed, but still, I need to focus. THIS SUCKS!

I'm really angry and sad about this turn of events. I'm also scared that it means that I'm one step closer to losing him for good. I'm sad that this has caused him as much stress as it's caused me and sad that it means that I don't get to see him as much for the time being. I'm scared because I don't know what the rules are in "time-out." How does this work? Yeah, we'll stay in touch, still see each other, but when? This is all new territory for me. I'm really pissed off that this is sooo not what I want and I really hate not getting my way.

Mostly though, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've failed him, our new relationship and most importantly myself. I'm really kicking myself for getting into the situation I am now in where this is the best option for us right now and for a potential "us" in the future.

The one bright spot is that I got to hear how "M" feels about me, which is always nice. I had suspected these things, but sometimes you need to hear them. I'm glad that he took the time to tell me.

So, now it's back to the grind. I need to regroup, refocus and make a plan for my future. I need to get my shit together so that this time-out is as brief as possible.

~~~
Things at the non-profit are really messed up. As much as I admire our President and all that he has done to get our initiatives started, there is a real lack of leadership among the board and things are falling apart. It is really stressing me out because I want to see this succeed but at the same time, I am only one person and have limited time to devote to "the cause."

Friday I found out off-hand that a committee meeting had been scheduled without my knowledge. As the Administrative Assistant, my job is to attend all meetings and take minutes, help coordinate them, etc. This is troublesome because I'm being left out and not being allowed to do my job.

As much as I hate to do it, recent events have necessitated that I give them notice that I will be leaving at the end of the year. I need to find permanent full-time employment and can't jeopardize that by working for the non-profit 8-10 hours a week. I also feel that if I step down as their employee, they can focus the funds that paid my salary to more fruitful things and I can stay involved but as a volunteer. I'm hopeful that the reduced stress will help restore my confidence in the group.