Growing Pains

Last week I went to the Doctor to try to get my medications back on track and hopefully start feeling better. She lectured me about not taking care of myself and for neglecting to follow up with her last year like I was supposed to.

I realize that I need to start putting myself first again. I was really focused on that about a year and a half ago after I had a really severe panic attack. At the time I wasn't sure what happened and described it as a breakdown. Having had similar attacks since however, I realize what it truly was. It was a very scary time though, and I thought that I was losing it or dying or both. So many demands were being placed on me and I just couldn't cope. So, I withdrew from everything and everyone and just did what I absolutely had to and focused on relaxing. For a long time I felt like a fragile egg that might break at any moment. I had to tread carefully through life. Slowly I started feeling better though and was able to jump back in to work and school and life. It felt good. But in time, the old habits returned. Everyone else's needs and the demands of school and work took center stage and I just kept telling myself, tomorrow, okay tomorrow, next week, until here I am 6 months later and back where I was then.

I could feel myself slipping back there again in recent months. The clouds above me were getting darker and more ominous. So, I realized that the only way I'm going to get better is to take action.

I was finally able to sit down and make goals for the future. I'm excited at this seemingly simple task, but for a long time I had to focus on getting through one day at a time, one class at a time. I couldn't plan forward beyond the present day. So, for me to actually say that these things are what I want to accomplish this year is really kind of huge for me!

What precipitated a lot of this is that my sister just got engaged. They are planning to get married over Labor Day weekend. I'm really excited for her even though I'm the oldest and soon to be lone single sibling. What people don't realize is that I came to grips with this reality many years ago. Sis has been on the marriage track for nearly a decade and given the fact that I'm lucky to have a relationship last 3 months, it seems kind of obvious who would be first.

She has asked me to be her maid of honor so I realized that I need to sit down and do some number crunching to figure out how much money I will need to save by fall.

I'm really nervous about my role mainly because she hasn't always been the kind of sister that I had hoped she would be. There have been times when she was incredibly abusive to me and a time when a friend was actually worried for my safety. She is not the person I turn to when I need a hug or an encouraging word by any stretch although those are exactly the things that I give her hoping that some day she will return the favor. Anyway, being a bride has given license to her extreme behavior already and she's just getting started. I asked our mom for advice and was given a lecture instead (I really can't win with these people!)

I kind of feel like everyone is turning against me right now. I know that a lot of it is because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing and they are frustrated with me. I'm just trying to find my own path and it's taking me longer than anyone (including me) thought it would. I'm trying to grow up and become the person that I'm meant to be and sometimes that is difficult and painful. I've resisted this for a long time because it was the easy path. And as painful as it is to admit, my family and friends readily stepped in to help me out.

Unlike my sister and brother who have always been more independent, I was raised to always lean on mom and dad. They've always been there when I needed them, and many times when I really wanted to do things on my own or didn't feel I needed their help, they stepped in anyway. After awhile, it gets easy to let them take over and you develop the idea that they will always be there. At times I would get frustrated that I would lose a say over how things were being done and resented the arguments over how I was living my life, but I didn't really see a need to change the status quo.

Over the years, I've realized that I need to make a change and need to start becoming more independent, but it's hard. How do you start? If you've never really been independent, how do you get there? In a way, I kind of feel like a housewife who's husband has abandoned me for his secretary. The type of woman who was solely dependent on her man for everything and is now left penniless. It's overwhelming to even think about.

Getting my own apartment 3 years ago was a HUGE step. I'd never lived alone before. I'd always had my best friend or sister to keep me in line and help pick up the slack. And, to be honest, I'd never really wanted to live alone. The thought terrified me. I was afraid I'd be bored or that something bad would happen to me. But, after the horrible fight with my sister when I realized what a monster she truly was, I decided that I couldn't take it any more and I moved out a few weeks later.

I wish there was an Idiot's Guide to being an Adult or some kind of textbook for this, with self-tests and questionnaire's on how to be the person you were meant to be. Hmmm, maybe once I get through this, I can write one! LOL.

I really wish everyone was more supportive, patient and understanding and there for me right now, but they're slowly jumping ship one by one. In a way I don't blame them, but at the same time, I feel like I need them! But I also realize that in a way, they are doing what needs to be done and what's long over due- giving me space to figure this out for myself, by myself. Uggh!