Blogging Over Beer

Random Happenings in Art and Life

2009-05-04T13:45:00.004-05:00

Isn't amazing how one random happening can change the whole course of your day? Like you oversleep and find out later that you missed a huge traffic tie-up on Kellogg. Or you decide at the last minute to drop into a local store only to find the exact thing you've been looking for, and on sale!

Well, I love when life happens like that. One day recently took an unexpected turn for the better. Due to an unexpected change in plans, I ended up stopping by the neighborhood watering hole on the way home from running an errand that managed to take all afternoon. I was tired and hadn't eaten all day, so I decided I wanted one of the establishment's famous burgers and an ice cold beer to go with it. On beer number 2 (it was that kind of a day), I struck up conversation with the guy sitting next to me. It turns out that he and I are neighbors and we really hit it off!

I really didn't see this happening. But, "C" is really cool! We ended up having a really great time the rest of the night. And he agreed that he'd like to hang out again some time.

So, we'll see what happens. He's moving out of state in a few months and I'm not really ready for a relationship, but I think that we should definitely hang out and have fun while he's here.

Here is a link to some random and cool art that I stumbled upon while reading an article on Mental Floss' website. I can't believe the detail that Scott Wade achieves on such a tricky medium! Also the photo at the top of this post is a detailed photo of one of his works. Sure beats someone writing "Wash Me" on your car!

Really Sick or just faking?

2009-05-03T00:09:00.002-05:00

This week on The Today Show with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb, they were debating whether it's okay to call in sick when you really just need a day off. Their exchange created a great debate on their Facebook page and got me thinking. Is it really okay? I just assumed that everyone does this now and then, but maybe I'm wrong. Apparently there are people out there (or maybe just Kathie Lee playing Devil's Advocate) who would never dream of lying about being sick.

These are also probably the same people who go to work when they are sick and expose everyone else. Swine Flu anyone?

I must admit that I have claimed to be sick and stayed home from work even when I felt fine. Usually I did this when I was really exhausted from being overworked, stressed out, or just really tired for whatever reason. I do know someone who calls in sick sometimes when her boss stresses her out or really pisses her off, but I've never been that bold (or petty).

One time I called in sick just to do laundry. Again I was stressed out and overwhelmed and well, I really need to do laundry. I've worn boxers and bikini bottoms as undies and pj pants as slacks to work before (and got away with it by the way), but sometimes you honestly have nothing clean and need to do something about it!

For the most part, I try really hard to just be honest with my boss. I will go above and beyond to get things done, meet deadlines and all of that, but I also expect that by doing that, I will have some "slack" to take an afternoon off or something and not be penalized for it.

Right now I'm so thankful just to have a job that I make myself go even when I don't feel like it. I'm still in my probation period so I need to have perfect attendance and so I have even gone to work sick (unfortunately).

Confidence is key

2009-04-27T09:44:00.003-05:00

It's all about confidence.

I've started waiting tables and although I'm still learning the menu and the questions to ask (would you like red sauce or cheese sauce on your enchiladas?), confidence will still get me a tip. Yesterday I was having a really bad day and managed to accidently throw 2 steak knives at a customer! Who knew wooden handles could be slippery? Anyway, I smiled and apologized my way through it and still got a tip. Not a great one, but still, they left me a couple of bucks.

In a job interview confidence is definitely necessary. If you walk in there with any hint of hesitation, act like you think you don't belong or feel you are unworthy, then forget about it. You aren't going to get past that first interview. Sometimes this can be challenging. After being unemployed and broke for a long time, it's really difficult to shake off the air of desperation. But, it's absolutely essential because desperation hangs in the atmosphere like really bad cologne. I think that is why it is always easier to find a job when you already have one. You aren't desperate to find SOMETHING because you already have it. You can take it or leave it. So, my advice is to be sure and bathe in happy thoughts before you walk through the door. Confidence alone won't get you the job, but lack of confidence will definitely keep you from getting a job that you are otherwise qualified for. If you doubt that you are capable, you make the interviewer question whether you are capable as well.

I think that confidence in dating is also important. If you feel unworthy of dating or don't love yourself, then you will either fail to attract anyone at all or you will attract people who don't love you either. That's where I'm at right now. I'm thinking about trying to dip my toe in the dating pool again. I'm sure it's because I'm feeling more optimistic about life right now. I'm still basically homeless and can't drive, but things are better than they were a couple of months ago. And guys are starting to check me out more and flirt more. Of course I'm surrounded by much younger guys at work, but the attention is nice. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with my increased confidence. I'm feeling better and probably looking better. But because I'm not where I want to be in my life, I feel like I should wait. See I wouldn't date a person who lives in their married friends' guest room and doesn't have a car, so I really don't want to date someone who would date me. I know that my situation is temporary, but I feel like I need to make more progress before I can feel confident in attracting the type of person I'm looking for. The difference being that now I feel more confident that I can get there. I will be that person again.

One of my favorite people at work is this really young gay guy. He always tells me how beautiful I am and says he loves me. He has a boyfriend and I wouldn't date him even if he was straight, but he makes work fun. And the adoration is a definite confidence builder.

Fear

2009-04-21T11:41:00.003-05:00

What are you afraid of? Spiders? Tornadoes? Death? There aren't many things that I can think of that I'm afraid of. Okay bees and wasps freak me out. I also have a fear of being alone at night that was mostly cured when I lived alone for 3 years. Before that I had too many freak incidents happen when my roommates were away that I had to sleep with the tv on and phone within arm's reach for a long time. But, on the flip side, I'm frequently described as incredibly brave. I've done things that those who know me would never, ever do. Like inviting a guy I've never met to come visit and stay at my house, or speed dating. One year for my New Year's resolution, I decided to do things that scared me. I decided that I was spending too much time in my comfort zone and needed to shake up the status quo in my life a bit. That year I created an online dating profile and tried speed dating. I had a blast.

As I was taking a cab home the other night, a car accident forced a detour past a church with a sign out front that said something like "don't live life guided by fear." This really got me thinking about the brave things I've done in the past and how I've let my fears paralyze me in recent months. Many things that I was absolutely terrified of have come true. The great guy I was dating left me, I lost my apartment, my cat, and my ability to drive (temporarily). All of these things have happened because I was too terrified to take action to prevent them from happening. Okay, maybe not the break up, but the rest of them for sure.

So I decided to sit down and think about what really scares me now. What am I afraid of now? And after I identify those things, I need to decide what actions to take to prevent them from becoming reality. I'm hopeful that this will prevent more nightmares from coming true in my life.

Although the meaning on the sign at the church was that you should give your life over to God and not fear, I think that there can be wisdom found in it for those of us who are not ready to surrender control to a higher power and those who do not believe.

Can I just be happy for a moment?

2009-04-06T14:18:00.004-05:00

So far the week has started out quite well! Spent Sunday at the farm helping my niece celebrate her 3rd Birthday. The celebration was postponed due to the weather the weekend before. Lots of fun seeing the kids and my dad was civil. Difficult for him right now I know, but I'm thankful that he made the effort to not spoil every one's day.

This morning I had an interview at a local restaurant for a server position. I've actually never technically worked as a server, but I managed to talk myself into the interview and got the job! Okay, they hired me as hostess and server trainee but still. I Got a Job people! Yippee!

So I called my sister to let her know and she can't let me be happy for even one moment. She just reminds me that I'll need to work 2 jobs in order to get back on my feet financially. Like duh! As if I did not know this already. I'm living with my extremely generous bff and her family because I'm homeless and I printed off the bus schedules yesterday so I can figure out how to get to and from my job since it's too far to walk. Yeah I'm completely oblivious to my situation here.

I understand that it's probably difficult for those around me to be supportive and I'm sure they can't comprehend what I'm going through right now but I'm always so there for everyone else. I bust my ass to be their biggest supporter and cheerleader and once in awhile it would be nice to have a little in return.

No this job isn't quite my dream job. I didn't spend 3 years at WSU to be a greeter or serve people chips and salsa all day, but it's still a job. It's a small step in the right direction. Can't that be enough, for at least today?

Okay enough ranting...

I was pleased and slightly embarrassed to discover that my humble ramblings have been noticed by Douglasandmain. Writing this blog is a lot like writing in my diary. I write it for my friends to know what I'm going through, but I don't really think about other people reading it. Since I've tried really hard to be anonymous, I cringe to think of who might know who I am. Especially when I think about some posts from last Summer. Anyway, the recognition made me thankful that I've concealed the identity of others mentioned here. I write my thoughts and feelings rather unconsciously and would hate to be sued for defamation or something.

Will Work for Food

2009-04-01T16:16:00.004-05:00

Okay, I'm not quite ready to stand out on the street corner with my cardboard sign, but I will say that job hunting is really frustrating right now. The constant rejection makes me doubt that I have any talent at all and wonder how I ever found a decent job in the first place.

Then I realize that I do have talents and wonder how I can get paid for them. No, don't come looking for me on Broadway... mind out of the gutter people!

See, I know that I can write decently. Maybe you've read other posts and disagree, but I've written some decent articles/reports/papers at school and in my working life and received praise for them. So I've been researching this and yet I realize that I'm a very small fish in a large and overpopulated pond. Uggh. Kinda like the Wichita job market right now.

I'm also contemplating applying for a job in my hometown. This would entail moving back home with the parents and likely working with a not-exactly-my-favorite relative. I'm worried that this could cause me to become near suicidal, but also realize that such a step may help me get back on my feet faster. What to do, what to do.

Prayers for the Easter Bunny

2009-03-30T13:28:00.003-05:00

Last weekend (the one before the Blizzard), I went to church with the parents. This is something I generally try to avoid at all costs. I actually hadn't been since 2 Christmases ago. For many years I tried faking it and just getting through it, but eventually I became less concerned with trying to make my mom happy and just dropped the charade.

Holidays are still kinda tricky though since attending church is deeply ingrained in our family celebrations. Being unmarried/uncoupled also takes away the "conflicting plans" excuse. Because of this and because I've come to view attending Mass as a "free" gift to my parents, I will occasionally attend on a holiday.

So I'm sitting in the sanctuary and all is well when the priest starts his sermon about finding the light in the darkness of the world. Suddenly the waterworks start flowing! People I started bawling! In church! I was sooo embarrassed and confused. Where did this come from? I successfully hid it from my parents (thank you seasonal allergies), but I'm sure those sitting around me caught on. I haven't cried like that in a church since my former bff's mom's funeral a year ago!

After much reflection though I figured it out. See, I don't have anything against people who go to church. If it works for you, then I am happy for you. And actually I'm a bit jealous. I quit going because I realize that for me, praying to God is just like praying to the Easter Bunny. There is just no meaning there for me.

As much as I wish that I could see God as a beacon of light in the darkness (boy could I use some candle light in the cave right now), I just see him as a mythical icon like Santa or the Tooth Fairy invented to discipline children and control adults (those who no longer believe in Santa).

Yes, I agree that there are mysteries that cannot be explained and that there is a rhyme and rhythm to the Universe, but that all was created by some white haired guy sitting in the clouds? Not so much.

But, rather than mocking. I really wish I did believe. I wish that saying the prayers I learned in childhood meant more to me than as if I was reciting the alphabet. I wish that I could find comfort in sitting in the pew on Sunday. Some days I do, but most days I don't. I feel uncomfortable as if I'd showed up naked or interrupted something.

I wish I could get the warm fuzzy or sense of calm and well-being that most people probably feel by being there. The sense of community- that would be nice too.

That is why I cried. I cried because I wish I felt something that I don't. Kind of like when you go out on a date with a really great person, but don't feel that "spark" that makes you want to see them again.

Maybe I'll find my way back to church and to God, but right now I'm sad.

Scenes from a Marriage

2009-03-11T07:34:00.003-05:00

No dear readers, I didn't go and get married! Actually, lately I'm really questioning whether that is a wise decision ever! See with my current living situation I get to be sort of a fly on the wall and get a unique perspective on marriage and family life.

Over the years I've witnessed it as a dinner guest or at one of the kids' birthday parties, but living here day to day is rather amazing and not really in a good way. I'm blown away at the amount of ugliness that occurs in the day to day happenings of a marriage. I guess the tiny resentments over running a household and the general living together pet peeves build over time and result in the ugly spewing of insults and baited barbs for the most mundane of reasons.

Most days I try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. I lay in bed awake and wait until they are all gone before I dare try to go to the bathroom. I use the excuse that I want to stay out of their way and not cause them to be late for their day, but the truth is I just want to avoid getting yelled at myself.

To be fair to my hosts, not every day is this ugly, but I'm amazed at how many are. This morning as I was preparing to write this the song "Hit me with your best shot" came on the radio. I had to laugh. No, these people don't throw punches, just mud, but it's still painful to witness most days.

One day my bff was venting about her dear husband and was complaining about how he wanted to pick a fight. I was surprised that she was surprised at this. So, I reminded her about how they've been arguing since the day they first met, so why would now be any different? She had to laugh at the memory and agreed that I had a good point.

Living through this reminds me of how "M" and I never argued. When we had a disagreement, we would sit down and discuss it rather than yell. He was adamant that he was not a fan of yelling and I'm not either so we made it a priority to work through things in a civil manner. But now I wonder how many things we didn't discuss, how many frustrations he kept to himself. Most of all I wonder if he finally realized that the relationship with me wasn't worth fighting for and just walked away. Sometimes maybe a good fight really is a good thing.

The relationship with a I dated last summer was the complete opposite. We rarely had a conversation that didn't end in an argument. It was incredibly frustrating at how frequently misunderstandings occurred. It was like I would say "blue" and he thought I said "red" and then it was on. Finally I just got tired of it all. One day we were IM'ing and he was trying to pick a fight. I wasn't in the mood and he kept trying to bait me. I asked him point blank if he ever got tired of fighting. He refused to answer the question and kept on pushing my buttons. When I repeated the question and still didn't get an answer, I finally told him I was done and walked away. I realized that the relationship would always be like this and the good stuff wasn't worth putting up with the bad.

For now I'm just going to try to avoid getting caught in the crossfire and see what lessons can be learned from this unique perspective on marriage.

What will they think of next?

2009-03-09T18:37:00.002-05:00

I just had to share this link. Very strange. I love sushi and all, but really don't think I could eat this. Just too creepy.

Yesterday I enjoyed a nice afternoon with the family I'm staying with. I discovered that their neighbor has a dog who looks just like "M's" dog but with brown spots instead of black ones. Seeing the dog made me sad.

Tonight I'm excited to spend time with my cat. While I'm technically homeless, my cat is staying with my sister. Since my sister just left on vacation, it gave me a good excuse to spend some quality time with "my girl." She has been very excited to have me around to love on her.

The end of "M"?

2009-03-07T11:36:00.002-06:00

After my previous post about "M" and the breakup, he contacted me. It was great to hear from him and get clarification about his reasons and thought process.

For the record: there wasn't another woman.

But, hearing from him also made me incredibly sad and then angry. Although I enjoyed his emails, it was frustrating because I wanted more! I wanted to see him, snuggle with him and listen to him talk about his day or tell a funny story about his dog, not read it online while at work. It was almost as if he regretted breaking up with me, but we're still broken up, so obviously he didn't come begging me to take him back.

So, after a few days of this, I just quit emailing him. I was too angry and needed time to process my thoughts. Plus, I know that he deserves better than what I can offer him right now. So, I need to allow him to move on and find someone else.

In the meantime, my bff and I talked a lot about the stuff I learned from "M" and she was initially optimistic that we would eventually reconcile. What I didn't count on was that when I reached the anger phase she took his side! She stuck up for him! That REALLY pissed me off! But, deep down I knew she was right and that he did the right thing, but at that moment, wow I was hurt.

Now the silence is deafening. As much as I know he needs to move on and I'm trying to stay busy picking up the pieces of the Tornado Aftermath that my life has recently become, I feel like I need him more than ever. He was quickly becoming one of my best friends and I really need my friends right now.

But, I know that he has his reasons for staying away and although I don't necessarily agree with him, it's okay. I really can't blame him. Nothing has really changed. The reasons he left are still there, probably more so than they were a few months ago. I'm not making the progress that he probably hoped I would.

I still dream about him pretty frequently. I dream that I run into him at the grocery store and things like that. The other night I dreamt that I found his dog wandering the streets like he had gotten loose and ran off while out for a walk. I called "M" and he then contacted his girlfriend who was taking care of the dog for him. Yes people, even in my dream I'm a realist. Some would say that I'm a pessimist, but I prefer the term "Realistic Optimist."

So, for now this is the last post about "M." I don't see things changing in the short term. I miss him, but I know that his life is probably better without me in it right now. As much as I wholeheartedly agree with the saying "the people who need love the most are those who deserve it the least," I know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself and that I have to accept his decision like it or not.

As much as I wanted to agree with my bff and hope for a future reconciliation, I just can't allow myself to go there. Okay sometimes I dream about it, but the dreams are always a couple of years from now.

The reason I can't is because there was once another guy who cared about me and walked away because he got tired of waiting for me to grow up. When we met I had just gotten out of a long term relationship so all I wanted to do was go out and party and flirt and have fun. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but fell for him anyway. Because we worked together the relationship was very short lived but we became really great friends. I always knew that "A" and I would get back together. It just seemed destined to happen. We stayed in touch over the years and always talked about getting together for a beer or whatever, but we never did. The timing was always off. He would call me and I was dating someone. Months later I would email him and he was dating someone. We went on like this for several years! Then a few years passed without talking. He was going through some stuff so I gave him time and space to deal with what he was going through then I decided to call him. He was surprised to hear from me after all that time and explained that he had gotten married a few months earlier! I was absolutely devastated. My dreams of "A" were shattered. It took me a really long time to get over that. I had so many things I regretted. I regretted all the times I should have called, that I should have been there for him. Had I stepped up and not been afraid then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

As much as I kind of hope that "M" is secretly pining away for me and waiting for me to get my shit together, my sincere hope is that he finds the happiness he deserves. I want that for him more than anything. I want him to be happy and with someone who treats him well and spoils him rotten. As my bff says "he's a GOOD man." He really, really is and I hope that he finds someone who agrees and shows him every day how grateful she is to find him.

The Cost of Being Uninsured

2009-03-06T15:11:00.003-06:00

We hear on the news a lot about the rising number of people who are uninsured. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be without health insurance? I never really thought about it until I was laid off nearly 4 years ago and could no longer afford my premiums.

Since then I've learned to become a better consumer of health care and had to learn to live without a lot of things I once considered necessities.

Recently it's become more frustrating to be uninsured. A couple of years ago my doctor and I discussed a procedure that she thinks would be helpful to discovering why I've been having trouble regulating my medications. The procedure would cost $1200. Because of that, I still haven't had it.

On Valentine's Day I ended up at the Immediate Care clinic. I was sooo sick but had put off going to the doctor thinking it was a virus, that I would get better in a few days. Unfortunately I just kept getting worse. It all started the weekend before when I had trouble swallowing. As the doctor who treated me explained, had I gone to visit her then, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. I had a pretty high fever, could hardly walk and was just miserable. Turns out I had strep throat. It cost me $25 just to say hello, not counting the cost of the lab work to diagnose me and the $25 prescription they recommended. A week and a half later, I wasn't doing much better. So I called my doctor and they prescribed another antibiotic. I called the pharmacy to find out the cost and nearly fell over when they said it was $130! For five pills. My bff paid for it and thankfully I got better. I really couldn't afford not to. Shortly after I got sick my bff got sick. She too had to get a 2nd antibiotic to get over it. She was prescribed the same one I was. The difference being that with insurance her cost was $20 vs. the $130 that I paid. That just doesn't seem fair.

It's been 4 1/2 years since I've seen the dentist. I have a cracked filling but so far the pain is intermittent. I'm going to wait to have it fixed until I can no longer chew on that side or until I get dental insurance, which ever comes first. Meantime, I've become fanatical about brushing and flossing.

I've learned to live without my allergy medicince although in the past few days I'm realizing that I may have to find a way to afford it again. I'm not sure if it's the remnant of my illness or the early blooms of the season but I'm still kind of sniffly and sneezy.

The really scary thing is that in the midst of strep throat and trying to move out of my apartment last month, I discovered a lump in my breast while showering one day. I've lost 20 pounds since December so at first I thought that it may be related to that. But, here it is 3 weeks later and the lump is still there. I'm absolutely terrified. Thankfully there isn't a history of breast cancer in my family and I'm fairly young for this, but.

So, because I'm uninsured I'm going to wait and see and try not to think about it. I check it once in awhile to see if it is growing/shrinking/changing and unless it changes I'm just going to have to wait. I'm not a good waiter....

Hopefully I find employment (and insurance!) soon.

What are you Selling?

2009-03-06T11:39:00.003-06:00

Today I had a couple of interviews for a management training program. I usually know when I walk out whether I have the job or not and today I wasn't sure, so I'm thinking that I didn't quite wow them.

As I've been searching the web and the want ads trying to find SOMETHING that I'm not too overqualified for and SOMETHING that gets me excited, I find myself looking at sales jobs. And then I realize that I don't have the requisite 2-3 years experience that most of the entry level positions require.

Then I think, "Wait a minute, I've got sales experience!" I've been selling myself, my ideas and my company (when I worked in HR) for a long time! Think about it.

Isn't an interview really a Sales presentation? Isn't a first date also the same thing? You present your product/service (you, your interests/abilities/qualifications) and hope that your prospect will buy.

Yesterday I attended a career fair on campus. It was humbling to note the number of fellow grads who were there doing the "Pick Me! Pick Me!" dance too. I realized that I am not the only one who is struggling.

Finally I'm beginning to feel better. It's been a month of taking my meds as prescribed and eating healthier (no more just toast for lunch and dinner). I really allowed the dark clouds to get thick before I sought help.

A few weeks ago I realized that things were getting bad when I found myself thinking about what I would wear for my funeral. Yes people, I was upset that I didn't have an appropriate outfit to wear when I'm dead. I quickly realized that most rational people do not think about these things. After all, aren't these decisions made without input from the deceased? Anyway, I want to be cremated so the outfit dilemma is really a moot point. So, as I talked myself through that, I realized that I hadn't been out of my apartment in days except to run to the mailbox or take the cat out for a quick sniff of the grass. So, I drove to my bff's house and she freaked out on me. She was really scared and upset because she had thought of stopping by to check on me but had been too busy.

The bff and her husband offered to let me move in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet. They really wanted me to get out of the dark cave that my apartment had become and stay at a place where sleeping all day isn't allowed (they have small children) and there is someone around to check on me and keep me motivated. As much as I hated to impose, it really made a lot of sense. So, for the past few weeks I've been getting used to my new home and trying to establish a routine and set goals for my future.

Growing Pains

2009-01-26T15:49:00.002-06:00

Last week I went to the Doctor to try to get my medications back on track and hopefully start feeling better. She lectured me about not taking care of myself and for neglecting to follow up with her last year like I was supposed to.

I realize that I need to start putting myself first again. I was really focused on that about a year and a half ago after I had a really severe panic attack. At the time I wasn't sure what happened and described it as a breakdown. Having had similar attacks since however, I realize what it truly was. It was a very scary time though, and I thought that I was losing it or dying or both. So many demands were being placed on me and I just couldn't cope. So, I withdrew from everything and everyone and just did what I absolutely had to and focused on relaxing. For a long time I felt like a fragile egg that might break at any moment. I had to tread carefully through life. Slowly I started feeling better though and was able to jump back in to work and school and life. It felt good. But in time, the old habits returned. Everyone else's needs and the demands of school and work took center stage and I just kept telling myself, tomorrow, okay tomorrow, next week, until here I am 6 months later and back where I was then.

I could feel myself slipping back there again in recent months. The clouds above me were getting darker and more ominous. So, I realized that the only way I'm going to get better is to take action.

I was finally able to sit down and make goals for the future. I'm excited at this seemingly simple task, but for a long time I had to focus on getting through one day at a time, one class at a time. I couldn't plan forward beyond the present day. So, for me to actually say that these things are what I want to accomplish this year is really kind of huge for me!

What precipitated a lot of this is that my sister just got engaged. They are planning to get married over Labor Day weekend. I'm really excited for her even though I'm the oldest and soon to be lone single sibling. What people don't realize is that I came to grips with this reality many years ago. Sis has been on the marriage track for nearly a decade and given the fact that I'm lucky to have a relationship last 3 months, it seems kind of obvious who would be first.

She has asked me to be her maid of honor so I realized that I need to sit down and do some number crunching to figure out how much money I will need to save by fall.

I'm really nervous about my role mainly because she hasn't always been the kind of sister that I had hoped she would be. There have been times when she was incredibly abusive to me and a time when a friend was actually worried for my safety. She is not the person I turn to when I need a hug or an encouraging word by any stretch although those are exactly the things that I give her hoping that some day she will return the favor. Anyway, being a bride has given license to her extreme behavior already and she's just getting started. I asked our mom for advice and was given a lecture instead (I really can't win with these people!)

I kind of feel like everyone is turning against me right now. I know that a lot of it is because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing and they are frustrated with me. I'm just trying to find my own path and it's taking me longer than anyone (including me) thought it would. I'm trying to grow up and become the person that I'm meant to be and sometimes that is difficult and painful. I've resisted this for a long time because it was the easy path. And as painful as it is to admit, my family and friends readily stepped in to help me out.

Unlike my sister and brother who have always been more independent, I was raised to always lean on mom and dad. They've always been there when I needed them, and many times when I really wanted to do things on my own or didn't feel I needed their help, they stepped in anyway. After awhile, it gets easy to let them take over and you develop the idea that they will always be there. At times I would get frustrated that I would lose a say over how things were being done and resented the arguments over how I was living my life, but I didn't really see a need to change the status quo.

Over the years, I've realized that I need to make a change and need to start becoming more independent, but it's hard. How do you start? If you've never really been independent, how do you get there? In a way, I kind of feel like a housewife who's husband has abandoned me for his secretary. The type of woman who was solely dependent on her man for everything and is now left penniless. It's overwhelming to even think about.

Getting my own apartment 3 years ago was a HUGE step. I'd never lived alone before. I'd always had my best friend or sister to keep me in line and help pick up the slack. And, to be honest, I'd never really wanted to live alone. The thought terrified me. I was afraid I'd be bored or that something bad would happen to me. But, after the horrible fight with my sister when I realized what a monster she truly was, I decided that I couldn't take it any more and I moved out a few weeks later.

I wish there was an Idiot's Guide to being an Adult or some kind of textbook for this, with self-tests and questionnaire's on how to be the person you were meant to be. Hmmm, maybe once I get through this, I can write one! LOL.

I really wish everyone was more supportive, patient and understanding and there for me right now, but they're slowly jumping ship one by one. In a way I don't blame them, but at the same time, I feel like I need them! But I also realize that in a way, they are doing what needs to be done and what's long over due- giving me space to figure this out for myself, by myself. Uggh!

I Did It!

2009-01-11T17:38:00.002-06:00

Well, it's official- I graduated! I was waiting to write about this until I knew for sure. I was afraid that I may not quite make and come up short like I usually do and that I would have to retake a class or something.

So, last week I went to campus to verify that I was done and I can't believe it, but I really am!

I was so happy that I started crying as I walked back to my car.

This has been such a long journey and one that I kind of doubted that I would ever finish. I just never thought that I'd ever make it to then end. Even at my Graduation party in December I was overcome with nerves. For the final two weeks of class I could scarcely eat because I was so nervous over whether my grades would be good enough for me to finish.

Anyway, I'm so happy that I finished what I started! So often in the past I will get excited and start a project and then after awhile I will get bored, frustrated, distracted or just give up. It's always been hard for me to perserve and maintain the willpower to see something through to the end. There's always something that comes up and blocks my good intentions.

The thing is that I spent so much time and effort focusing on the finish line that I didn't give any thought as to what to do once the "race" was over. So, I'm now trying to figure that out. I don't know what I want to do.

I am looking forward to focusing on the things I've missed the past 3 years and believe it or not, but I'm looking forward to having a steady job that I have to get up and go to every day. We'll see how long that feeling lasts, but really I do miss being a part of the rat race. I think most of it stems on being able to better support myself financially and have the money to do at least some of the things I'd like to do, but I really miss contributing to an organization.

So, I'm excited to see what life has in store for me. This seems like a great way to start the New Year though!

Looking Forward and Looking Back

2009-01-05T15:43:00.002-06:00

First off, Happy New Year to all of you! I'm really looking forward to putting 2008 behind me and excited and hopeful for all the good things to come. I finished school and graduated and the future is still a big question mark, but I'm making goals for myself and thinking of what I want to do. The hard part is that I had started looking forward to a future with a certain guy and his dog and so now I have to go back and rewrite that and create a new plan.

I've debated whether or not to write a post on this. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the situation but I think enough time has passed that I can write this without having to stop due to the tears.

If you haven't noticed, I have been rather reserved in writing about "M" in this forum. This is mainly due to the fact that he reads this blog and I wanted to keep a few things in reserve.

Now that he has walked away from the train wreck that is my life, I feel a bit more free to say what I wanted to say all along.

When I met "M" I wasn't looking to meet anyone- just looking for someone to hang out with once in awhile when my schedule permitted. I knew that I wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. I had too much on my plate and couldn't afford to take my eye off the ball (graduation). Also, I knew that I still had work to do on me. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life financially or emotionally and I needed time to work through all of that before I felt I was ready to date anyone, let alone be the kind of girl that would attract the kind of guy I wanted to meet.

Then I met him. And all of my good intentions went out the window. I really wanted to make it all work because he was sooo worth it, but in the end I couldn't. The day I met him I felt that he was the kind of guy I could marry some day. If I could be so lucky.

The last day I saw him I was still amazed at how just the site of him can take my breath away and how much I can't help smiling, even through the tears. I feel like such a fool for blowing this. I knew that things were strained between us but I was looking forward to the New Year and getting back to the way things were before the holidays.

And yet, I feel that I am not enough for him. I suspect that he has always been looking for someone better, and perhaps he found her which is why he walked away. Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a relationship due to my life circumstances, but I fear that it is something else, something I'm not aware of. Initially I felt almost relieved when he ended things because I no longer had to fear being such a disappointment to him.

I do not doubt that he truly cared about me. That was never a question. It showed in everything he did and said. The last night I spent with him I woke to find him sleeping in the middle of bed, leaving me hanging on the edge. I gently nudged him and asked if he could move over and in his sleep he said "of course, you know that I'd do anything for you."

A week later he broke up with me.

I was so disappointed because I was really looking forward to giving him his Christmas present. A few months ago he mentioned a John Wayne western that contained a quote that was meaningful to him. Since I lacked funds to buy him anything and any gift ideas I could think of seemed unimaginative, I decided to sketch a picture of John Wayne and write out the quote from the movie below his portrait and then frame it.

I was soo excited to see the look on his face when he opened it. I haven't been that excited about giving a gift since my oldest niece was first born! Now I'll never know how he would've reacted.

A year ago I read a quote that has felt very meaningful to me lately. It says: "Every time a heart cracks... somewhere, something beautiful is being born."

I can't wait to find out what it is. I'm ready.

Worst Christmas Gift Ever

2008-12-24T15:59:00.003-06:00

Okay, I know you've all received those email quizzes where you have to fill out a questionnaire about yourself so your friends and co-workers will know you better. There is even a Christmas version with questions such as real vs artificial tree, etc.

Anyway, they also ask for the worst and favorite gifts you've ever received. Well, I ALWAYS win that!

For those of you who don't know- here is the true story of the worst gift I ever received. I wish I would have kept it and had it framed or at least photographed- somehow preserved it for evidence, but I will try to describe it the best I can.

It really gives a new meaning to the phrase, "You really shouldn't have..."

Several years ago I had been dating a guy for awhile and he tells me that his mom and a bunch of gifts for me. I was surprised. This was the first year that she had purchased anything for me and I was touched that she went to the trouble. Especially since there was more than one gift for me.

I started opening the gifts at my mom's house Christmas Day and I remember a ceramic figurine of 2 birds and an ornament and then the last box contained something homemade. I remember it took me a minute to figure out what it was. There was a piece of Christmas themed flannel (teddy bears and Christmas trees I think). I soon realized that it was a pair of women's underpants that were 2-3 sizes too small! I looked at the guy and said "she made me underwear?" He squirmed and said "Oh no she didn't make them." I looked at him even more puzzled since the undies were obviously handmade. He then explained that she FOUND THEM in a rental house that the tenant had abandoned, thought they were cute and decided to keep them. I looked at him in absolute horror "you mean they are USED?"

He got all defensive and said "she WASHED them!" Geez, thanks.

Because she was a really nice woman and I did care for her son, I wrote her a nice thank you note later, but I'm pretty sure that the undies were tossed along with the wrapping paper they were decorated with.

Really, you shouldn't have...

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and received great stuff- no recycled undies!

A really bad day

2008-12-04T20:11:00.003-06:00

Okay, I've had a crappy week so far and today was just like a really bad sequel to the 3 previous "Monday's from hell" that I've had. You know how it goes, your period is late so PMS is way worse than normal and you have more days of PMS! That's been my week this week.

My "problem" kitty ran away. I officially realized she was really gone today when I opened the door to see if the food I put out for her "just incase" had been eaten and it was still there. I totally started bawling. She was such a pain in the ass and still I'm just devastated. I feel like I failed her in some way when the reality is that she is an outdoor cat. I just hope that someone with a yard has taken her in and is keeping her warm and well fed. My other cat and I miss her terribly.

Then tonight I'm half watching the local news before I head to class and see a guy a dated for about a minute a few years ago who I ended up getting a restraining order against. He's on the news trying to defend his employer for hiring him when he has a felony record and history of violence against women. This infuriates me because he works for a University supported program so my tuition is helping pay his salary. And the program he works for allows him access to more victims.

I understand that people make mistakes and pay their debt to society. I also believe that some can be rehabilitated but I've seen first hand how he talks a good game but in the end is a sick, and twisted criminal mind who has no business working anywhere near women.

I'm curious to find out how long he has been employed there because if he has been there since the restraining order was initiated, then University officials need to be notified. I have serious issues about why a background check was not done.

On a lighter note, graduation is coming very quickly. I can't wait to be done with school! I just need to figure out the "what next" part.

Thanksgiving was really nice. I enjoyed a great couple of days with "M." It was also great to introduce him to my family. They seem to like him and he seemed to have a good time too. I'm just looking forward to seeing what happens with him come January when things are less crazy for both of us. I really miss spending time with him. I feel like we miss out on a lot of what happens in each other's lives by not talking or seeing each other regularly.

It's kind of inevitable, but I now see him as being more human. He made a point to explain things and try to reassure me that my fears about him seeing other people are untrue. My trust in him has been altered now. It's not as absolute as it was before, which is fine for now. I think that in time it will either grow again or decline until we are over. Only time can tell. It's funny in a way because for the longest time, I wondered what was wrong with him! He seemed too great, too perfect, too wonderful! Now I know. He IS human. Not exactly a bad thing.

This is especially true considering all the rather unflattering things he has learned about me recently that also show that I'm not perfect either.

What Now?

2008-11-22T16:30:00.004-06:00

I've talked to "M" more about this time-out and we both agree that it really sucks. He has repeatedly reassured me that it is temporary and that he isn't looking to see other people etc.

But, something still felt "off." I know that a lot of it has to do with us trying to navigate this time-out thing and still maintain contact while allowing time for me to do what I need to do.

Anyway, the past few days I've noticed that he has been on IM a lot and that coupled with his repeated statements of how I'm going to find someone better, well, I just felt like something was up. So, I searched the online personals and saw that his "ad" is still active and that he was online at that very moment either searching or chatting. WTF??

I'm curious if the chicks he is talking to know that he is supposed to meet my parents at Thanksgiving next week? It just doesn't make sense!

I'm hurt and confused and just frustrated that he wasn't' more honest with me. He has assured me that he wasn't looking to meet anyone else, that there wasn't anyone else (reason for the time out) and even asked me out on a date for next week! I'm not sure how he's NOT looking for someone if he's on an online dating site and has updated his profile!

As much as I hope that there is a good explanation for this, I'm really worried that there isn't.

Part of me just wants to be done with him and walk away for good. But, the part that cares for him and wants to trust that everything up to this point hasn't been all lies wants to hear what he has to say and see if there is anything worth salvaging there.

I really don't have time for the stress that this is causing me! Another reason why walking away for good looks really appealing right now.

This is really not how I saw this going. I was really hopeful that we were going to weather the storm of this phase and come back even better. Now, I just don't know.

~~~
Searching for a part-time job right now really sucks! There isn't much out there it seems and the pay is just crappy. I'm getting really scared that I'm not going to find anything.

On a positive note, I have 3 more weeks left of school.

It's all about timing...

2008-11-16T17:34:00.003-06:00

My timing has always sucked. Except for the day I was born, when I arrived 4 days early, I've always struggled to be on time. I also have an embarrassing tendency to say something mildly inappropriate in a public venue right as the room gets quiet, causing everyone to look at me.

So, I wasn't all too surprised on Friday when "M" called a time-out in our relationship. The timing is just wrong. I need to focus on school and finding adequate employment to support myself and unfortunately he's just a distraction. THIS SUCKS!

I enjoy having him as a distraction- he's welcome and needed, but still, I need to focus. THIS SUCKS!

I'm really angry and sad about this turn of events. I'm also scared that it means that I'm one step closer to losing him for good. I'm sad that this has caused him as much stress as it's caused me and sad that it means that I don't get to see him as much for the time being. I'm scared because I don't know what the rules are in "time-out." How does this work? Yeah, we'll stay in touch, still see each other, but when? This is all new territory for me. I'm really pissed off that this is sooo not what I want and I really hate not getting my way.

Mostly though, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel like I've failed him, our new relationship and most importantly myself. I'm really kicking myself for getting into the situation I am now in where this is the best option for us right now and for a potential "us" in the future.

The one bright spot is that I got to hear how "M" feels about me, which is always nice. I had suspected these things, but sometimes you need to hear them. I'm glad that he took the time to tell me.

So, now it's back to the grind. I need to regroup, refocus and make a plan for my future. I need to get my shit together so that this time-out is as brief as possible.

~~~
Things at the non-profit are really messed up. As much as I admire our President and all that he has done to get our initiatives started, there is a real lack of leadership among the board and things are falling apart. It is really stressing me out because I want to see this succeed but at the same time, I am only one person and have limited time to devote to "the cause."

Friday I found out off-hand that a committee meeting had been scheduled without my knowledge. As the Administrative Assistant, my job is to attend all meetings and take minutes, help coordinate them, etc. This is troublesome because I'm being left out and not being allowed to do my job.

As much as I hate to do it, recent events have necessitated that I give them notice that I will be leaving at the end of the year. I need to find permanent full-time employment and can't jeopardize that by working for the non-profit 8-10 hours a week. I also feel that if I step down as their employee, they can focus the funds that paid my salary to more fruitful things and I can stay involved but as a volunteer. I'm hopeful that the reduced stress will help restore my confidence in the group.

Worrying is such a waste, but I can't help it!

2008-11-11T17:32:00.004-06:00

It’s 34 days to go until school is done for semester and I graduate.

For some reason, it seems so far away still and yet, it’s coming really fast. I’ve worked for so long to get here and now it’s almost time, but I don’t think I’m ready!

There are so many things up in the air and so many things I need to wrap up. And yet, there are even more things that I am looking forward to. I’m ready for a steady job, with benefits and a steady paycheck. I’m ready for free time and not stressing every day about money and homework.

I’m ready to get back into a routine at home and in my life to lay the groundwork for working out regularly, eating better and improving things at home.

I’m ready to devote time to my hobbies and interests rather than to subjects that are boring and assignments that will have little or no value beyond the current semester.

I’m nervous too. I’m scared that I’ll come up short, scared that I’ll fail. I’ve been here so many times before it seems and I’m scared I’ll fall short again. I’m afraid that I’ll let everyone who is counting on me down and further strain relationships that are barely hanging by the thread of hope for my future. I’m afraid that I’ll find that the past 3 years have been a big waste of time and money due to the current economy and I won’t find a job where my education and experience are valued. I’m afraid that I’ll have to work 2 jobs for the next 5 years in order to pay off all of my debt. I really don't like all these loose ends!

A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I can do it. She made me cry. She’s right, I know I can, but I’m still scared that I’ll somehow fail.

Today though, I received a much needed pep talk of sorts at the Senior Luncheon on campus. It helped crystallize that this is quickly becoming a reality and that I can do it! Phew. I really needed that!

~~

Things with “M” are still awesome. He’s such a wonderful guy that I wonder what I did to deserve having him in my life and then I remember all the crap I’ve been through and know that I’ve paid my dues in that regard. I just really wish I could have met him a few months from now when my life is a bit more “put together.” Everything is messy and unsettled at the moment- not the greatest time to start a relationship. Thankfully, he has been extremely patient and understanding which just makes me adore him all the more.

It’s still weird how well we get along and how there is such a lack of drama between us. I’m kind of glad that there is no drama since I have more than enough in my own life right now. Unfortunately my drama kind of spilled over and recently made things a bit awkward, but we were able to talk through it and move on. As we get to know each other better though I’m sure that more things will crop up, but so far, it’s been refreshingly easy. So nice!

As things keep going, I'm starting to trust more that this is real, that I'm not being played and that it really is a good thing. For awhile there I really struggled with that. I'm not sure if it's the lack of drama (me needing to find something wrong with him) or if it was just all my past baggage catching up with me for a moment. I've also sensed that he has maybe struggled to trust me too. We met in such an unconventional and unexpected way that, well, it was kind of inevitable I think. I like that we can talk things out though and work through whatever is bothering us. It's all good.

Ready or Not??

2008-10-13T21:20:00.003-05:00

I just realized that there are only 2 months left of school! Yay! Now, I just have to get there- that's the hard part. So, 8 more weeks of struggling, studying, lack of sleep, no social life.... I can do it, right? I'm just really struggling with fatigue. It's more than just the typical college student exhaustion and has made it clear within the past couple of weeks that I need to get back on my meds. It's obvious that as much as I was hoping I was somehow cured, it was just an anomaly and I still need the drugs. I'm frustrated though since money is tight and I know that it will take several weeks for the levels to build in my system, so I'll be graduated before I see any real benefit most likely.

The other day one of my board members at the non-profit asked me about my plans post-graduation. I honestly had not thought about it- it seemed so far off still and yet, it's really not. So I decided then that I'd stick with them until March. Our current planning sessions with the city should wrap in March. That would be a good time to bring in someone new I think. I'm kind of ready to be done with the administrative thing. It's just not my strong suit and it has been a struggle. I want to still contribute to the organization, but would rather donate my time to a single committee rather than oversee all of them!

As for my Marketing job, I'm hopeful that I will be able to stick with them through the new year, but I know that the graduating during a recession is not the greatest idea ever. So, I'm trying to be realistic about the realities of the situation. Thankfully Wichita has been somewhat sheltered from the financial turmoil due to the aircraft industry boom, but that can only last so long.

There are so many things I want to do after December and so many things that I need to think about between now and then! I just realized that I need to plan a graduation party for myself, starting with a venue. That should be challenging considering it is in the midst of the holiday season!

Things with "M" are still going great. It's difficult to realize that it's only been 3 weeks when it seems like 3 months! I feel very lucky to have met him, although I know that luck is a small part of it. I know that I've paid my dues to get where I am today and that all of that was necessary to get here and in order to appreciate the great guy that he is. I just wish I had more time to spend with him and the resources to spoil him like he spoils me. At the moment all I can offer in the way of dinner is Ramen noodles or PB&J. So, I took him to the airport and picked him up when he got back the other night.

Today I heard again from "V." He again wanted to see me totally last minute. How was I ever okay with this? So, I just reminded him that I'm seeing someone. He was nice and wished me luck. Even if I hadn't met "M" I was so tired of V's habit of blowing me off at the last minute.

I'm glad that this weekend is Fall Break. I'm Ready!! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go out to the farm and see the family. I'm sure my nephew is getting sooo big! He was born August 4th and I haven't seen him since my Birthday in late August. I thought about asking "M" to tag along, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't want it to be a big deal, but try as I might, it's gonna be a big deal to my family to meet him. They haven't met anyone in about 15 years so, yeah, it's big. My sister convinced me to wait until the holidays though. She is much more knowledgeable about these things and helped me realize that trying to make it not a "thing" won't work.

Funnily enough, as I was contemplating this, "M" mentions that his mom is coming to town in a few weeks and that I may get to meet her. I wish I could say that I'm excited but I'm actually more curious to meet her and fill in the blanks of the stories that I've heard so far.

Finally, "M" is a bit jealous that his dog and I have taken such a liking to each other. I'm not sure he understands how ironic this is. I'm sooo not a dog person! They are big, loud, smelly, like to lick and eat gross things and slobber everywhere. But, I will say that his dog is a lot of fun. It's fun to play ball with him (when it's not covered in slime) and snuggle with him except when he hogs the bed and tries to wedge in between "M" and I. "M" is worried that the dog is becoming more mine than his and has threatened to get another dog! Great. Just what I wanted [can you sense the sarcasm?]! My theory is that the dog is just excited that there is a new person around who gives him attention. I think that it will wear off with time. Especially if it ever becomes apparent to him that I am a "cat" person!

It's like my plan to get to know the dog has backfired on me! I knew that "M" and the dog were a package deal, kind of like me and my cats. So, I made a point to befriend the dog. Now it bites me in the ass because the dog likes me more! LOL. Sooo not how I saw that one being played out.

Is it Art?

2008-10-09T16:45:00.002-05:00

Many people still possess a negative opinion of the art of tattooing. They picture dirty needles, skulls and drunken servicemen. I feel that tattoos are so much more than "Mom forever" and thorny roses. So here are a few pictures I think help convey my theory that it is art and should be welcomed as such.

Slowly I'm Learning

2008-10-07T00:26:00.005-05:00

The past 3 years have been about more than getting a traditional education, I've also grown up a lot and learned a great deal about myself. It's been a rather painful process, but one that I realize was highly necessary and long overdue.

In a recent post I mentioned that I realize how I've sold myself short over the years. I've accepted mere crumbs in relationships and did everything in my power to sustain something that was barely a relationship to begin with. It's really sad and embarrassing to realize how often I did this and think back on the guys that I thought were worth my time and attention who really were not.

This has been further emphasized to me in the past week while spending time with "M." Yes, I am still seeing him and things are going very well.

One evening I stopped by after a night class and he was sweaty from walking the dog. I offered to hang around while he took a shower. Before he left me, he asked if I needed a drink or anything. I shook my head "no" and explained that I was fine. He then looked at me and said "you aren't used to being treated like this are you?" It's so sad, but no I'm not and I told him as much.

This past weekend we spent most of the time together. He really spoiled me! Cooked me dinner, made me breakfast, it was really nice! It makes me happy that he cares enough to do these things, but makes me sad that I've never had this experience before now.

He's really raised the bar for me to attempt to spoil him in return. I'm excited to try though. He really deserves it. Not just for all that he does for me, but because he is such a great guy in many other ways too. I can tell that in a lot of ways he's not used to being spoiled either. Friday night he fell asleep while we watched TV, so I picked up our dinner dishes and took the dog outside. When I finally woke him up, he was surprised that I had done all of that.

Each day I look forward to seeing him or at least speaking to him. I'm curious about his day and miss him when I don't get to see him. It's only been a couple of weeks but seems a lot longer (but in a good way).

When my best friend first started dating her husband, I would make fun of them for "needing" to talk every day and being so lovey dovey when they were around each other. I just didn't get why they needed to do all of that and what on earth they had to say to each other every day. Now, I'm there. I get it.

Things at work are going well. I'm just still frustrated at trying to find time to do it all. Last week was nuts with 3 tests to prepare for and a paper due. This week is much more manageable. And next week is 2 tests and Fall Break! Already?? Wow!

Now for some Art! I really dig this blog ! I'm not really their target demographic, but the stuff they post never ceases to amaze. Here is a link to an artist who sketches on sidewalks using chalk. Absolutely brilliant!

Some things i really miss right now

2008-10-02T23:50:00.003-05:00

As my final semester of school plugs along, I can't help but anticipate all the things I will be able to do with all the newly found free time! So, here's a list of things I can hardly wait for.

First of all I really miss reading for pleasure. There is a list of 200 plus titles that I'm itching to read. Last year I finally gave up adding to it since the list seemed too long already. I'm also in dire need of a vacation. Seriously February 2001 was the last one, not counting a weekend spent in Colorado when my niece was born. But that doesn't count since there was no alcohol consumed and my entire family was there. And that was even four years ago.

I want to paint and draw and sculpt something, anything! I want to volunteer. CASA, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Literacy Resources. These are all wonderful organizations that I long to devote my time to. Someday...

I miss Sunday family dinners. We haven't gotten together since August for my Birthday and I really miss seeing my nieces and nephew and how they've grown and changed and what's new in their worlds.

I want to have a girls weekend. Hell, at this point I'd take a girl's night! I really miss my girls. We don't get together like we did before I went back to school and I miss that connection. Plus, I've been really bad this year- forgetting special days in their lives.

This is going to sound funny, but I really miss working out! Once upon a time I had a gym membership and actually went on a regular basis. I was in the best shape of my life before I got sick six years ago. I can't wait to get back there!

Okay, I really don't miss this, but it frustrates me that I never have time for cleaning house, organizing my closet and desk and getting the recycling taken to the drop off place. I hate the clutter and trash and the stress that it all causes me!

Cooking! I miss being able to cook and bake. Even the holidays have been difficult the past couple of years because school manages to interfere with how much I can enjoy my time off.

Another nerdy one: I miss health insurance. Back before I was laid off, I took it all for granted! But, I was also a lot more proactive in getting my regular checkups and taking my medications as prescribed.

I miss KState football and going to games. I'm too busy to even follow the team and stay abreast of their record. I miss going out and seeing bands and movies and trying new restaurants. My scarce resources have hampered all of these.

I miss road trips to KC! I haven't been in nearly 3 years!! I used to go on day trips to other cities like Tulsa and tour museums and stuff, but it's been 5 years at least since I've done that.

Geez, I could go on, but life is all about trade-offs. Too many times through the years I put my education on hold for my job, for a man, for financial reason and even for fun. I just need to remember why I'm sacrificing and tough it out a bit longer.

Can't I just be done already???

2008-09-29T22:51:00.003-05:00

Okay, my patience is wearing thin. I'm sooo done with school! I'm done! I've struggled and studied and sacrificed for this seemingly unattainable goal for 3 years now and it's getting really old!

Today I had a meeting with a bunch of city officials for work on our non-profit initiative. We were discussing the best dates/times for future meetings and I was the lone dissenting voice in the majority of dates/times. It was frustrating because most of the suggested times conflict with my class schedule. Granted it's only a day or two a month, but still... I was already skipping class today to make the meeting. Grrr.

Then, with my other job I just don't have time to devote to my assigned tasks and other things that I feel that the job requires. I constantly feel guilty about it and it just stresses me out.

And of course, because I had resigned myself to the idea that I didn't have time to date anyone, I meet the first guy in a very long time who is worth trying to rearrange my schedule for. But, there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes you really just have to do laundry and stay home and study when you'd much rather be snuggling with someone else. It really sucks!

So, what it all boils down to is this: school isn't fitting into my life anymore! I've outgrown it! But, it really is necessary and so I have to suffer a little while longer. Dammit! Gotta just grit my teeth and keep on keepin' on, but I'm going on record that I'm seriously pissed off about it.

~~~

Speaking of dating, yes I'm still spending a lot of time with "M." It just blows me away how awesome this has been so far. I keep trying to remind myself that life is a marathon and not a sprint (mostly in order to make myself feel better over my crazy schedule and conflicting priorities), and only time will tell if this thing has staying power, but so far things look really good. We click really well as friends and just enjoy spending time together. We can sit on the porch and discuss our day and not get bored or feel we need to be "doing something."

Right now I just feel really blessed to have met someone that I click with so well. I'm proud that I've finally attracted a "nice" guy and that I'm likewise equally attracted to him. I don't have to do the dog and pony show to get him to like me, he already does and I don't have to dwell on what his mixed signals mean because he just TELLS me how he feels and what he's thinking! Ahhh, so refreshing! Each day that I get to spend with him is awesome, so I'm just enjoying the journey and looking forward with a smile.

So this is what it's supposed to be like!

2008-09-24T21:59:00.002-05:00

I've been spending more time with "M", the guy I met the other night and unexpectedly liked. Things just keep getting better and better (if you can judge that sort of thing in 3 days). =)

The refrain of an old Lionel Ritchie song keeps playing in my head "easy like Sunday morning." That's how this has gone for the most part. Yeah, we are both still freaked out at how all this has come about and how well we've clicked, we're still really digging it though and enjoying hanging out and getting to know each other better.

Last night we spent a couple of hours playing around on the computer. We were having fun, cracking up and it was just cool. I enjoy hanging out on his porch with him waiting for his dog to finish "his business" in the yard. I know, I'm totally screwed! It's fun waiting on the dog to take a shit! Really.

So, tonight he confirmed my suspicions that this isn't an unrequited feeling and he asked me out on a date. Yay! I'm excited to get to know him more and spend time with him in the outside world.

I was talking to my sister about it a bit today and she of course tried to burst my bubble. I just think she's wrong (as usual) and so I ignored her. It hurts that she can't ever be happy for me, even if she disapproves of how I live my life.

I think a lot of it is jealousy since I'm much more able to just "be me" without much fear over how others perceive me.

Okay, my finance homework won't finish itself, so I better put this one to bed.

The Agony of Attraction...

2008-09-22T16:18:00.005-05:00

Last night I met the coolest, nicest guy I've met in a very long time. We met on one of the "casual" meetup sites and were looking forward to meeting. It was agreed that if any connection was made that it would remain a casual thing.

Wouldn't you know, I'm totally falling for him! Thankfully he's kind of digging me too, but we're both unsure of whether/how to proceed. This wasn't supposed to happen. We weren't supposed to click in a way that we start making other plans and talking about relationships and how we handle conflict.

It's still very early and I barely know him, but in a way, I feel I know what I need to. He's laid it all out there and I want to try this and see what happens. He told me that the only way it would end is if I screw it up! No pressure there, huh? I laughed and thanked him for already jinxing things. But, really, that's my biggest fear- that I'll screw up, that I already have.

He jokingly told me that I was no longer allowed to see other people. I'm just confused by the mixed signals. This was supposed to be simple and easy and even though I feel like I've known him forever, I'm hating how the feelings have suddenly complicated things.

A good guy friend once told me "it will happen when you least expect it." I get that now. I really didn't see this coming. It's good but it's not. I'm just scared. I've been wrong so many times before that it's hard to not doubt my own judgement.

Why???

Yay it's Friday!

2008-09-19T23:05:00.002-05:00

Well, I heard again from "W." Yes he remembered me and asked if I was willing to take a chance and see what happens. Yikes! Of course I want to but yet.... In a way already knowing him is difficult because of the fear that others will find out about this. I don't want intimate details getting relayed to my former boss, etc. He has more to risk in this regard since he is the one who is married, but still.

I'm not sure how he gets away with doing this at work. Since I know his work schedule, I know that he is at work when he logs into the site. Some guys are such idiots with this stuff! The name of the site alone is enough to set off most internal web filters!

Anyway, no word from "T." I got a call Wednesday afternoon from a number I didn't recognize but the caller did not leave a message. He's like the 3rd person I've given my number to this week though, so who knows. Frustrating that they haven't called again or left a message. I almost called the number today to see who it was, but decided that whoever I'm with should have enough perseverance to leave a message.

At work I've been given another big research assignment. I know I'm a nerd but I love researching stuff on the web. It's just fun for me to find all the pieces of the puzzle. And, as you are going along, you find all kinds of stuff that is peripheral, but cool, interesting or whatever which take you in a whole new direction. I can spend hours and it just seems like minutes.

They laughed at how giddy I get doing this. Well, everyone has their own idea of fun right?

Moonlight Magic...

2008-09-18T23:55:00.005-05:00

This week has been really bizarre so far. I've been out on the town a lot and seem to be bumping into potential suitors a lot more. Coincidence? Perhaps, but it's been fun regardless.

Monday night, I met a friend for a glass of wine so we could de-stress and enjoy the beautiful weather. I ran into "J" who was also there for dinner. It was nice to see him again and he seemed as surprised as I was to run into each other. And he gave me a hug! =)

Tuesday night I went out for a late dinner and a couple of beers after a work meeting. Just as my friend and I were preparing to leave, a guy (we'll refer to as "T") approached our table. I was tired and feeling rather anti-social. I just wanted to go home and crash by this point, but the guy was persistent. At first I wasn't sure what his motive was, so I came across as skeptical and jaded. Eventually though he mentioned "dinner" and then asked for my number. He's quite a bit younger, but he's cute and since guys never ask me out, why not? So, we'll see if he calls. He said he was going out of town for business and could be gone for a few weeks, so this will proceed slowly if at all. In a way I'm hoping he does call so I can redeem myself and get to know him better. He did seem kind of cool, but I'm not exactly holding my breath. Considering the circumstances, it's iffy I think.

Then tonight I was on a site for people looking for a "casual" relationship. This is where I've met most of the guys I've been involved with lately. Since I don't have time to date really, I felt that this was probably a decent way to meet someone to spend time with casually. Well, I was mistaken! The drama, games, and all around bull-shit is in full force here as much as it is anywhere else! Oh, and like 90 % of the guys on there are married... Really makes a girl question whether to ever trust a commitment.

Anyway, tonight I received an email from a married guy that I'll call "W." I'm kind of freaked out because I know him! We used to work together a few years ago and had definite sparks flying between us, but I didn't go there because he was married. And, because work. So... here he is, confirming what I suspected all those years ago about the state of his marriage. He didn't know that I'm "me" because I don't post my picture on there. But, I did email him back and included my picture. So, we'll see what he has to say. Maybe he doesn't remember me?

Regardless, it's kind of a precarious position because he and I have definite sparks. Things would have happened between us back then if I had allowed them to. I feel even more like I'm diving off a cliff than I did when I met "P."

School is fixing to become insane, so my posts will probably become more infrequent in coming weeks. My parents were really worried about me since they haven't seen or heard from me in awhile.

Figures... just as my love life sort of starts to look promising, I don't have time to date. =)

Crap! I'm a trendy demographic...

2008-09-11T21:47:00.004-05:00

Geez, try as I might to avoid any sort of stereotyping (I'm over 30, never married, no kids, still in college... okay you get the picture), I read on MSN and see on Good Morning America or one of those shows that I'm a part of a new and trendy demographic. I'm an aunt and apparently that makes me appealing to advertisers.

I'll admit that I joined Savvy Auntie because I wanted to get the inside scoop on cool gifts and fun activities for all the little people in my life, not because I wanted to join "the sisterhood" of aunts worldwide who can't wait to spend their disposable income on other people's kids!

Anyway, it kind of rubbed me wrong for some reason.

~~~
Speaking of being annoyed, why do people feel the need to turn their stereo bass to full throttle? Can they not hear it? I mean I can tell you the comings and goings of every person with a tricked out car stereo who lives in my apartment complex even with the TV on, a/c running and (my favorite example) even when I'm totally asleep!

With the recent nightly dramas with my little outdoor wanna-be cat, I think my neighbor is really pissed off at me. But, instead of knocking on my door to complain, or stopping me in the parking lot to discuss it, he would rather make my floor and furniture vibrate (and no, not in a fun way) while he plays video games. I want to complain to management but I'm afraid that will open a can of worms where I end up punished worse (like evicted thanks to the cat), so I don't.
~~~
Hmmm. Saw my crush at work the other day. It was weird, he didn't acknowledge me. Yes, we were in a meeting and it wasn't appropriate to talk, but a wave, nod or smile would have been nice.

I sooo don't get men! Will I ever?
~~~
New guy alert: kinda cute older (as in older than the typical student) guy in one of my classes who I think kinda digs me too! Too bad I only get to see him once a week.

One minor nitpick: he needs to groom his hairy toes if he's going to wear flip flops. Yeah, it's doomed- I'm already trying to "fix" him and I don't even know his last name! I will give him props that he has nice feet, but you could put a barrette in his big toe hair! Seriously....

With that image planted in your brain, I better get back to work. Huge deadline looming!

School's Cool and Life's Good

2008-09-03T20:34:00.004-05:00

I'm finally starting to get into the swing of a new semester (last one!) and juggling two jobs. It's been really challenging, but as long as I keep my calendar with me at all times and write everything down, I think I'll be okay.

A new semester always makes me happy. I love learning new subjects and just the intellectual "high" I get from school. Whenever I've had to sit out a semester or two, I've always missed it. And yet, by midterm I'm ready to be done already and go on to a new class, new topic or something more fun and less demanding. I know I'm a total nerd but I still get excited about buying shiny new notebooks, folders and pens at Target- just like I did as a kid! Spending $400 on textbooks is rather painful, but hopefully I can resell them and get enough back for a couple of Christmas gifts.

Speaking of demanding- this semester is really going to test my mettle! I'm realizing how much of a time commitment a couple of these classes are going to require and I'm a bit nervous.

~~~

A year ago I was really struggling. I had just been laid off from a temporary job that was supposed to run through the fall, but ended early. I was somewhat thankful since the office politics were positively toxic! To top it off, the manager was the type who didn't want to be the "heavy." She wanted to be everyone's friend and tried everything she could think of to avoid conflict.

Plus my direct supervisor really hated me and no matter how I tried, I could never win her over. She resented my presence from Day One.

It was the vortex of a really tough time for me. I was really depressed and didn't see a way out of the storm. All I could manage to do was sleep.

Thankfully, I got through it and my family and friends stood by me while I floundered.

Although my energy level has dropped a bit (not still functioning at that high strung girl on crack sort of pace-THANK GOD), but when I look back to where I was a year ago, I've still come a long way.

I am truly grateful to all who have continued to support me emotionally and even financially at times the past year and a half. At times even I wondered if I was worth it!

I feel like I'm just now starting to figure out who I am and grow into the adult I'm supposed to be. It's been a very long and painful road. But, I've also had way more fun than any one person should be allowed and learned sooo much about myself and all the awesome people and things on this planet!

Life's Good!

Ghosts of Relationships past

2008-08-30T16:14:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about "K." He's a guy I knew many years ago that I really liked. It was weird because he liked me too, but he never asked me out. We had an odd sort of relationship that never really made sense and he broke my heart over and over again, but his irresistible charm kept drawing me back hoping for a better outcome the next time around. He even won over my sister one night! She was all prepared to tell him off for how he had treated me, but even she was a big fan after talking to him!

A decade later, there are still so many unanswered questions there. I wonder where I/we went wrong? Why did he call me to talk for hours at a time and never work up the nerve to ask what I wanted him to, namely "would you go out with me?" And why did he always call me at 2 am and want to see me when he was drunk and horny instead? I get the 2 am part, but it's the afternoon chats that still boggle the mind.

Anyway, "K" is one of those really rare guys. He was so multi-faceted which I loved and he even came and helped me out when my car broke down one night. You could tell that he was a great guy, and we had a weird way of hugging each other where we just wrapped around each other like a caduceus symbol. I'm a huge fan of verbal sparring and laughter as foreplay, and we were masters at it!

I know that I'm probably a lot to blame for how things ended up. He came along during the fallout of the relationship with the guy I almost married. It took a lot for me to leave him and I just wanted to be free for awhile. I went out and partied way more than I should have during that time. I think "K" was looking to settle down, and I was looking for the next party.

At that time I thought I wanted a guy with a status job, but I now realize that it's not what the person does for a living, but how they spend the rest of their time and the type of person he is. "K" was like that. He worked a blue-collar job, but he had a lot of other interests that made him so much more than a "tool belt" as my friends referred to him. So, maybe it was a matter of timing, but it makes me sad that this great guy slipped through my fingers!

Part of me wants to call him and ask him to explain to me where I went wrong. I realize that the past 10 years I've repeated this pattern over and over again. The only difference being that most of the guys in between have not been as nice as he was. They are not the type of guy to come help me get my car started on a cold December night.

Again, it boils down to the fact that I keep settling for crumbs and hope for more. I keep chasing guys who don't even like me and doing the song and dance to try and change their minds. "K" was one of the few guys who first pursued me.

At that memorable Christmas party, I realized how much he had been taking notes during our conversations in passing while at work. And when he asked me to dance, I didn't have to worry about trying to two-step, I just floated across the dance floor. And we laughed. "K" was always game for a good laugh. That night just seemed to be the beginning of something really good. And yet, somewhere a long the way everything fell flat.

I can't help thinking that somehow he holds the key to why all my relationships go wrong. I know that a lot of it is the residual fallout of the guy before him, but "K" was the only decent prospect in a continuous stream of really bad choices. They've gotten a lot worse as the years have gone on. He was probably one of the few really smart choices I've made, and yet, I feel like I blew it!

I really want to call him! I want to know how he's doing, what he's up to. Is he married? Children? I know he'd make a wonderful husband and father. I don't want to interfere in his life or cause trouble, but I just want to check in on him. I have no expectations that we will meet and fall for each other again. So many years have passed and I'm sure we are different people now. But, I can't help but be curious, plus I really would like answers to where I went wrong. Are my suspicions about my part in it correct?

~~~

Rereading this I wonder if some relationships consist of just one perfect moment. I dated a guy a few years ago and we had the most awesome first date! It was fun and romantic, but the rest of the relationship paled in comparison. We never really topped that first night.

Was my relationship with "K" the same? Were we always trying to recreate the magic of that Christmas party and inevitably falling short? Hmmm.

The best laid plans....

2008-08-28T23:09:00.004-05:00

Today was rather interesting. First of all, I didn't get any sleep the night before. The past few weeks have been rather messed up and full of "change"- something that cats don't really appreciate. So, my "problem kitty" decided that she's had enough and has spent the past few days (and nights) telling me all about it and then peeing on every horizontal surface for extra emphasis!

So, today I finally took her to the vet. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, was sleep deprived and ready to take my family's advice (finally) and drop her off at the pound! But, I relented and had her checked out. Turns out she has anxiety and was given Valium to help her calm down.

Where's mine? I could use some too! Especially since I have to deal with her and worry about pissing off the neighbors and getting evicted because she's being obnoxious. And I get to spend my "free time" rewashing my bedding and half my clothes because she's "marked" everything!

~~~

While on my way to class tonight I received a TM from one of the married guys- "S." He lives in another state and his wife found my number on his cell phone bill! He asked me to not contact him again and cover for him if she calls to investigate further (he made up some BS story about how I'm a cousin or something). Oopsy!

Okay, first of all- this is not my problem! He initially contacted me and he's the dumbass who didn't cover his tracks better or acted weird enough to make her suspicious. It's kind of funny though, because his weird schedule and unavailability was making him just not worth the effort. It's not like we will ever meet in person and we had zero in common. The conversations were really dull!

Anyway, why should I cover for him? He's a moron who got caught! I think it's kind of funny actually that he was this stupid. The other night we were talking on the phone when he had to let me go real quick because she was calling him.

I'm sure I won't pick up if she calls- I never answer calls from numbers I don't recognize- especially from out of state... Lucky for him I think.

~~~
I got more information about the potential job overseas. I'm going to pass. The more I learned, the more I realized that it's not the right time for me or for them for me to go further in the process. They need someone now and I'm still in school. If I take a pass now (will have to), I may have to start on the groundfloor and work my way up. As I told the professor who had recommended me- I'm done doing that! So many of my jobs have been entry-level that led absolutely no where! So, I need to email him back all of this.

It was actually a good moment for me in that I realized that where I am career-wise is right where I want to be. I'm not willing to make a change from what I'm doing now. Yes, I'm interested in seeing what else is out there, but it's going to have to be something really awesome for me to walk away from what I've currently doing.

My professor kept asking me what I want to do with my degree, and I've not really thought that far ahead, but it is a valid question that I need to find the answer to within the next 3 months.

~~~

Now that the valium has kicked in (for the cat), I should try to get some sleep.

I'm done settling...

2008-08-25T22:25:00.002-05:00

Okay, tomorrow starts a new year in my life and I've made a decision. I'm tired of settling! I'm tired of getting only crumbs from the guys I meet and settling for less than I deserve in my career and other parts of my life.

I had an Aha moment last night and again this afternoon. Last night I realized that once again, I will be dateless and sexless on my Birthday. Then this afternoon, as I'm trying to convey to my instructor why my resume sucks and why it's taken me 18 years to achieve a single bachelor's degree, he commented that I've really sold myself short in the past. Ouch!

but, he's right! Painful as it is to admit.

So, I deleted all the married guys and the Bi guy from my IM and Cell contact information. I'm just tired of their crap! I want more, deserve more, and refuse to waste my time on these guys any longer! I''m really proud of myself for doing this- it's a huge step for me! I'm sad that I've wasted so many years on guys who were sooo not worth my time and attention, but it's just what I had to go through to get where I am today, which is stronger and more confident and more independent. They also helped me realize what I didn't want and also helped me see what was lacking.

As for my jobs... that's tougher to solve. Basically I need to concentrate on finishing this semester and keep making contacts and networking. I also need to really work on doing a good job with my internship.

My professor suggested I continue on and work on a Master's degree and even look at a Graduate teaching position. What it boils down to is that I'm not right for this job, which is okay. The more I learned, the more I was questioning it anyway.

This experience has taught me that I really like what I'm doing now. It reaffirmed that I'm where I should be. I want to be open to any offers, of course, but this is really feeling right to me right now.

Now it's just a matter of timing and learning to juggle everything so I can give this job the focus and attention that it deserves.

Why can't this be easier?

2008-08-20T23:33:00.005-05:00

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I have a theory that the Universe/God (whatever higher power term works for you) has a really sick sense of humor. I guess the fact that life is hard is a part of that overall attitude. I know it's all apart of the ebb and flow of life, you struggle so you can appreciate the days when there is nothing going on and things all just fall into place effortlessly.

I'm really pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to handle 2 jobs and school and meanwhile I have to put up with politics, ego trips, people who won't say what they mean/think, and just general bullshit. I'm getting really tired of it! I'm sooo not an brown-noser and it's kind of what is expected/ required at the moment and I just refuse! It's not a part of my DNA to be that way and I'm not going to start now. People really need to grow up and look at the big picture and realize that it's not all about them!

Meanwhile, I have no time to date, to go out and meet anyone and yet, the relationships I do have are all becoming very dysfunctional and unsatisfying. Basically they want me to be there for them when they want and vice versa and it's just not working. Neither side wants to give any either because that would be too much like a real relationship and our stated "casual thing" is a way of avoiding having to deal with the crap of a real authentic connection.

I had a funny conversation tonight with one of these casual guys. He's bi-sexual and not shy about it. I'm okay with that and appreciate his honesty since I've known some guys in the past who probably played both sides of the court but didn't admit it. Anyway, he's all upset because his go to "guy" friend now has a girlfriend and has kicked him to the curb. He's kind of peeved about it and wanted to know if I knew of any other guys to set him up with! (Really didn't see that coming when I called him back this evening). Then he blows me off and I haven't heard from him since. Somehow this further confirms my suspicions that he's more "gay" than "Bi."

Hmmm. Maybe I'm just getting bored and want more? Something more permanent, stable, predictable, etc. Maybe I'm outgrowing all this juvenile bullshit? Part of me feels ready to be in a relationship and part of me looks around and sees all the unhappy couples and miserable married people, and I think "No Thanks."

I guess I don't have to decide today, right? Recently a 64 year old man told me that it took him 60 years and two failed marriages to finally meet the true love of his life. I'm really happy for him since I know all the drama he has been through (I'm friends with his daughter), and he and his "true love" are so sickeningly happy. It just makes you smile and hope to find something like that some day.

~~~~

This weekend was a lot of fun. I spent time with all my best friends and my family to celebrate my Birthday. I really wasn't expecting anything since I've been so caught up in my own life and have had to put all my peeps on the back burner. Plus my financial situation has made me not the greatest reciprocator and I've even forgotten Birthdays this year! I NEVER do that! Anyway, it was very nice that all these people love me anyway and know that I'm just "in a phase."

I got some new clothes and a new vacuum cleaner! Plus there was lots of good food and cake!

All in all, a wonderful weekend.

What's Beautiful?

2008-08-20T01:25:00.007-05:00

Sorry, this blog is in dire need of some artistic inspiration! I've been so preoccupied with my man dramas and life crisises that I've been holding out on my loyal readership! All one of you- if you are still reading.

How do you define beautiful? This came up tonight in a meeting to discuss revitalizing our downtown neighborhood. How do we determine what is acceptable? How do we convince business owners to clean up their property? Do we make money available to them to help in this task? Do we set standards for frontage, signage, etc. and force landowners to comply? And, how do we define all of this? Do we want to go for sterile, cookie-cutter or is some eclecticism okay? I got into a debate with a board member one day about this. One of the businesses across the street from his has a hand painted building. It has a wild mural on the side and is brightly painted to draw attention and decorate the rather plain brick building. The board member finds this absolutely distasteful whereas I find it cool, fun and charming. I think it adds a unique element to the neighborhood. Where their building doesn't have cool architectural detail, they've added their own, through paint!

My approach to all things aesthetic is the same way. I like offbeat, quirky, unique things. Most of the men I've found attractive weren't conventionally handsome either. Most have some outstanding, quirky feature, whether it's a big nose, Dumbo ears, etc. Many times, I failed to notice these "flaws" until someone else "kindly" pointed them out to me.

That's what I like about things in nature, such as the flowers pictured above. From a distance, they all look the same, but up close, the little idiosyncrasies reveal themselves.

~~~

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Final Friday next week- seriously, where did August go? I have a couple of friends who are having shows and I've missed doing the Crawl for a couple of months. Hopefully the weather will cooperate.

Here are links to local artists that I have seen recently. http://leeshiney.com/ and http://stephanielondon.com/.

The above photographs were found on 37 Signals' website. I found them absolutely beautiful! They are pictures of Orchid Mantis plants.

~~~

It's one week until my Birthday. I've been so busy, that I've nearly forgotten! I need to make a plan to celebrate with friends and sit down and do my "year in review" that I perform every year. Rather than be like everyone else and do the navel gazing and existential thinking on New Year's Day (usually too hungover), I prefer to do it on my Birthday. It seems more natural to ponder the past year and tally achievements and set goals for the coming year at that time.

With school starting in a couple of days though, I've just been too busy! I've had to scrap the whole "Sweet 16 Part deux" idea since I don't have time to clean or do laundry let alone host a party! But, I was reminded that 37 is the first irregular prime number while watching tv over the weekend, so... maybe I should wait and throw myself a big bash next year. That could be fun.

Talking to "V" has made me realize how out of balance my life has become once again. I haven't had time to even think about dating, let alone anything fun for a while now. As I look at my schedule once school starts and think about how I'm going to work work in around school, there is little time left for fun or even studying! But, it's just a few more months. Sigh...

It's gonna be worth it in the end, right? I kind of feel like the guy from that commercial "Time to make the donuts..."

Only Five More!

2008-08-18T22:16:00.003-05:00

I'm kind of excited! I finished my 2 week class on Friday and I realized that I only have 5 more classes to go! Wow. Five. I'm almost there. I can see the finish line!

To finish my class I had to write a paper and needed to interview someone for the paper. Everyone on my short list of who to interview was unavailable last minute to help me out! So, I'm facing the 10 point deficit of a letter grade jump and happened to run into my latest crush at work. Bingo! So I emailed him. Being such a nice guy, he came through for me. So, now I owe him big time and told him so. We'll see what comes of this, if anything.

~~~

If you haven't figured out, work has been kind of insane and then combined with the 2 week class, I barely had time to sleep, let alone blog or anything else fun like that. So I haven't even been flirting with my guys! Kind of shut off that part of my brain for awhile to focus on other things. If I didn't work with "J" then I wouldn't flirt with him either! But work is waaay more fun now, of course.

So, I was surprised to get a call from my chat buddy last week. Haven't talked to him since an ill-fated encounter about 6 weeks ago, when I went to his house to meet him in person. He was acting weird so I just left, totally confused as to why he invited me over and really disappointed that carrying our phone friendship into real life really ruined a beautiful thing! Anyway, "V" and I have been talking more and got the whole misunderstanding worked out. As a bonus, we may get to combine business with pleasure as he works in ad sales and is developing a quote for me! Apparently he has missed our phone relationship as well!

Also last week, I had a meeting with our local newspaper about working on PR for a client. One of the editors was flirting with me I think??? He freaked me out and embarrassed me! This has been happening a lot actually. My name is getting out"there" somehow and I don't know how or what exactly the message is saying. I've really tried hard to network the past few months, but this is a bit overwhelming.

Speaking of networking, last week (yes it was insanely busy!) a former instructor contacted me about a job opportunity overseas. I gave him my resume to review and submit to the parties involved (also former students). It would involve relocating to Dubai. How awesome would that be? I haven't heard anything, so I need to follow up with Dr. D. this week and find out more.

~~~~

So, I'm hoping to figure out how to juggle both jobs and school. Especially since the semester starts later this week!

This will be challenging since one job is only supposed to be 8-10 hours a week and has doubled where the other job is supposed to be around 30 hours a week!

~~~

But, I keep telling myself, 4 months, 5 classes and then I'm done!

It's Friday and I have beer- life is good once again

2008-08-08T21:03:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the depressing post yesterday. It was one of those days when everything seemed to conspired against me. Which always seems to happen during the time of the month when I'm feeling the most vulnerable, emotional and least capable of dealing with stress!

Not that today was any better really, but my coping skills were better. Either that, or I've just given up!

I was worried that my electricity would get shut off which would cause me to get evicted and then I was worried that I would be asked to resign (or get fired) from my new job because I've missed deadlines. As usual, my fears were unjustified. All is fine now.

~~~
Today I got to spend time with my brother's family rather unexpectedly. My 5 day old nephew had to be checked out by his Pediatrician and as they were preparing to leave, the car wouldn't start. My sister-in-law called me crying because she was stranded with two toddlers and a newborn in the heat of the day. So, I rushed across town to take them all to McDonald's for lunch and wait for my brother to arrive and check out the situation. It's amazing how attached the toddlers are to their mom. We had a meltdown in the car when we ran an errand just me and the kids.

All I can say is that it was fun to spend quality time with them, but geez, they once again reinforced my opinion that motherhood isn't my thing!
~~~~

Wow, I haven't had any artistic posts on here for awhile. Hopefully tomorrow...

Having No Money is Not Money

2008-08-07T23:12:00.003-05:00

Cash, payola, dinero, greenbacks, well however you say it- I have none. I've actually had very little money for a long time now (like 3 years!). So, you think I'd get used to being broke, never quite getting ahead, not being able to afford to do fun stuff (go to KC for the weekend) or necessary stuff (dental checkups and oil changes), but I don't. It doesn't get easier. I hate feeling guilty for rationing the cat food, asking friends and family for loans that I have no clue when I'll be able to pay back and stressing about whether or not I'll get evicted, lose my electricity or have enough gas money to make it to work and back tomorrow. It's really not cool!

I know that this situation is only temporary. When I graduate in December, I'll hopefully get a steady, better paying job (and probably a 2nd job for the time being as well) and life will get easier. But, it's getting over the hump. I can see the horizon, but this last hill seems really steep! Like right now, I owe $1200 to the University for summer school. Until I pay that, I can't enroll in fall classes that start in 10 days! This has probably also impacted my ability to enroll in the Coop program through my internship job. It really sucks!!!

My financial situation is impacting how I view my future career prospects as well. Rather than choosing a job that I love and that will be fulfilling, I'm tempted to take the job that will be not as creative and fun but will pay a lot more money and have way better benefits.

The situation the past 3 years has also impacted my relationships with family and friends. They are tired of constantly bailing me out without a clear idea of when they will see a return on their investments. I really don't blame them- I'm not sure I'm much better than throwing money out the window most days.

As I contemplate my future though, I realize that I need to get a handle on this problem and try to improve my relationship with money and budgeting skills in order to avoid being here again. I'm not a fan of Ramen noodles, and that's about all I've eaten for the past month! I need to do this in order to make me feel better about myself and to repair my strained relationships. Plus, really, who wants to date a broke 36 year old woman? Certainly not the successful, got their shit together guys I hope to meet!

The key thing I've learned over the past 3 years is how much we tie our identity to our possessions. We create an image of who we think we are or how we want people to see us by what we own and bankrupt ourselves in the process! We never really "get it" that no amount of things will make us happy, that the happiness we seek is to be found elsewhere and not at the mall or on ebay!

I realize how much money I frivolously spent in the past trying to make myself feel better about my crappy job, etc. Haven't we all been guilty of Retail Therapy? Giving away all the Partylite candles and music cd's and dvd videos made me somewhat sad, but ultimately I really don't miss them. Honestly the sadness was more about the lost money and not the lost things.

Sorry for the downer post- just feeling kinda down today. I feel stuck and hate feeling this way, especially when I can almost slip out of the ties that are keeping me down... I want to break free, and move on to bigger and better things, but I just can't seem to get there!

Okay, I'm hopeful that my next post will be a bit more uplifting and entertaining!

The Great Conundrum...

2008-08-06T22:23:00.004-05:00

What to do, what to do... I keep getting leads on jobs that will require me to relocate overseas. This excites me to no end! It reminds me of the Dr Seuss book "Oh the places you'll go!" Anyway, after the initial excitement wears off, then reality sets in...

My mind start spinning with the endless track of questions and arguments: Will I get homesick? Will it totally suck being so far from family and friends? Especially when multiple time zones are involved? Lord knows I'm not the most independent person, so this really is a major consideration. And then there is the job situation I have here. I'm so excited to see the end results of the non-profit I work for. I want to see what happens and be there to help it along and celebrate the successes, but this isn't as possible if I'm not living here! And then, my internship is with an awesome company! I'm kind of overwhelmed at how they've just thrown me the baton to run with it so quickly- no making copies and coffee with this company, and I'd love to see what happens with that option as well.... Arrggh!

And then, what about my love life? My latest crush is kinda showing interest in me too- what happens then? He's an AWESOME guy as far as I can tell so far and I really want to learn more, but how if I'm preparing to move to far far away?

Finally, what about my cats? Do pets get passports? Are they quarantined? How does that all work? I'd really miss my girls- especially if I have to leave everyone else...

~~~

I heard from the married guy- okay to clarify we will refer to him as "P" from now on. He IM'd me last week just to "check in." Which in guy speak means he's checking to see if I'm still available/interested. He was preparing to leave on a biz trip again and wanted to see if I'd be available to chat. As much as I enjoy chatting though, I want more! It just makes me sad that he is content with things as they are. There is potential for sooo much more and yet, he hesitates. I want to tell him to save all the flirting for the one woman who should be getting it- his wife, but I don't. I wish I could tell him to leave me alone until he makes up his mind and leaves his wife, but I don't. As I've done so many times in the past, I take the crumbs that I'm thrown and try to placate myself with what little I get. I don't think this will last much longer...

Anyway, "P" is trying to talk me out of the latest overseas opportunity that has come up. He keeps pointing out all the negatives- it's an Arab country, so in a way, he's helping me be realistic at what all I will have to contend there as far as the cultural differences, but still. It's an awesome opportunity I think. I'll know more next week after I visit with my contact who has been consulting with the principles of the venture.

Funnily enough the other married guy- the one who offered me money to pay my bills has been MIA. I think he finally got the hint. Not that I miss him or anything.

I've recently started talking to another married man (yes, even I agree that this is ridiculous) who lives in another state. He's pretty cool and cracks me up. We will call him "S." Again unhappily married, but I get the impression that he lives a pretty sheltered life. Very small town in attitude and ideas. Not that that's a bad thing, but it kind of clashes with my worldly view.

~~~

I did some number crunching today and it appears that I should be able to graduate in December! Yay!! That is if I can scrape the money together in the next 10 days to pay tuition that I owe. I was really excited to figure that out... I was getting depressed that I would have to go another semester and wait until May.

~~~

I became an aunt again this week! My nephew was born on Monday evening. I got to go visit him yesterday before he was dismissed. As much as I think he's adorable and I can't wait to spoil him and his older sisters, he helps confirm my suspicions that I really can't deal with having kids of my own. I just don't think I have the patience, the mettle, or the stamina to deal with all of that 24/7. Kinda like going to the farm- nice place to visit, but really don't wanna live there!

~~~

Well, my procrastination from studying and work has lasted long enough! I don't think that "S" is gonna call tonight after all. What an ass! It's his turn to call me and I'm hating that my TM minutes are depleting rapidly....

If my ideal man exists, this is what he'd look like

2008-08-01T22:47:00.004-05:00

Another blogger has tried this, and I decided to give it a whirl myself. The following "wish list" for my ideal man was written on January 20, 2002 in my diary. Not much about the list has changed- but there are a couple of things that I would add today (noted at the end of the post). Sooo, dear friends, if you know of someone who roughly fits this description, please send him my way!

~~~

My ideal man: taller than me, funny, smart, witty, fun to be with, kind, optimistic yet realistic, successful or at least well on his way to being that way. Well-read, yet preferably not a sci-fi fan, or more Grisham than King. Someone who loves sports, movies and music, but whose life does not revolve around them. Someone who loves life and the wonderful things and people in it. Someone who has respect for a higher power and women as well. Someone who can be a guy with the guys and a gentleman the rest of the time. A great conversationalist and a great listener. Someone with soulful eyes with a wicked glint and a smile that lights up a room. Someone who likes to make the scene but loves to spend the weekend vegging in bed as well, maybe even more. Someone who is driven to succeed as well as to learn and who also supports me in things that are important to me. Someone who is athletic and who cares about his body, but not too much. A man who worships me (though not blindly) and adores my goofiness and loves me flaws and all. Someone who loves to laugh- a lot!

Someone who loves his family and who wants a family of his own. Someone who wants to be an equal partner in a relationship, who understands that relationships take work every day and someone who is committed to making it work rather than just walk away. Someone who is strong and capable of handling "man things" but is man enough to admit when he doesn't know something and asks for help.

Someone who is unselfish in bed and willing to experiment and keep things fun. Someone to whom work is not life and who wants to be a good dad. A man who is not afraid of emotion, his or anyone else's, is not afraid to say he's sorry, but isn't a spineless blubbery wimp either. Someone who drinks in moderation and does not smoke.

Someone who is very neat and loves a clean house but is not afraid to clean it! A man who understands that sometimes I just want to be alone and do my own thing and other times I just want to be held. Someone who appreciates that I am picky and is flattered to have met my standards and who is willing to rise up to them. Someone who calls me on the carpet when I get too bossy or demanding.

To this list I will also add: someone who doesn't do drugs, is honest, well-groomed and clean. And someone who is generous with his time, money, attention and affection and someone willing to share and who plays well with others.

In Search of some Inspiration? Check out this guy!

2008-07-30T23:21:00.004-05:00

I haven't had a chance to post about this topic yet. Last week when I read that Randy Pausch had died, I was really upset. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and I fought back tears. The odd thing is, I'd never met him- only read about him in the Wall Street Journal after he gave his speech at Carnegie Mellon and then saw updates about him on television.

His speech just really moved me. It inspired me to think about how I want to live my life and the legacy I want to pass on to those I leave behind. His spirit was totally infectious and I couldn't help wondering if I will ever find someone to love me like he adored his wife, Jai.

Just thinking about the family he left behind makes me really sad, but thanks to the internet they will someday be able to google their dad and see his speeches and read all the wonderful articles written about him in the past few months.

If you have missed out on the story of this guy, just google Randy Pausch (sorry, I'm too tired to try and find the link).

~~~

Speaking of the internet, I've been reconnecting with a lot of high school friends via Facebook. It's awesome being able to see pictures of their kids and reading about their lives. Anyway, tonight I discovered that a friend will be in town tomorrow to visit her family so I think we will try to do lunch. I haven't seen her in about 5 years! Thank God for Facebook or this wouldn't have been possible!!

Do you know this woman?

2008-07-30T08:03:00.002-05:00

My sister and I have developed a theory about this woman. The theory has been road tested over the years and seems scarily accurate. After beating my head against the wall in frustration dealing with a business owner who loves to make my life hell (or so it seems), I had an "Aha" moment over the weekend and realized that I "know" her. She's one of these women.

Let me describe the women I'm talking about and see if they are familiar to you.

Nearly every encounter with her is negative. Depending upon where you stand in her personal rankings of importance, you may occasionally catch her being friendly, but know to be suspicious and stay on the lookout for the knife in the back that is sure to follow. There is no winning with her. She will always find some perceived flaw in everything you do. If you try to make her pleased or garner an encouraging word, you will fail every time. She may attempt to compliment you, but you quickly realize that it wasn't a compliment, but a thinly veiled insult or put down.

Women of this personality type may be somewhat varied, but their methods are surprisingly similar across the board. What they all have in common is this: these women are miserable! They are usually perfectionists who are so extreme in that absolutely nothing is ever good enough for their discerning eye. Because of this, they can never measure up to their own standards and therefore try to make everyone around them just as miserable as they are. Some do this rather unconsciously, but others derive their sole joy in life out of bringing others down to their level of misery.

Most of these women are unaware that they do this. If you asked them, they would probably say that they were happy. This is a part of their delusion. It's what gets them out of bed in the morning. Honestly, if you were this miserable, would you really be gung ho to start your day? Exactly.

The most frustrating thing is that they would rather wallow in their misery than try to take steps to improve their lives. What I've learned over the years is that the best way to handle these women is to ignore their surliness and to not take their outbursts personally. I just do what I have to do and try to not prolong the encounter but I don't avoid it either. I refuse to let them spoil my mood (if they are successful, I won't let them see it). If they steel my sunshine, then they win and I refuse to let them win.

~~~

I've decided to send love to the people I mentioned in my last post who made my life miserable on Friday. One of them is of the above personality type. I'm a firm believer in the idea that "people need love the most when they deserve it the least." Because these people definitely do not deserve love, it's obvious that I should send it to them through the universe. I know that this method does work miracles, but I just want to find a positive way of seeing these pains in the ass!

Hate your boss? Try having 50!

2008-07-29T22:15:00.004-05:00

Have you been wondering how our event turned out on Friday? Where'd all that rain come from! So- block party plus rain= lame party.

By 4pm I was a bundle of stress. Things just kept going wrong! At 3pm the band was still trying to secure equipment rentals so they could play at 6pm! And for some reason I was needed to help negotiate this for them? I'm still puzzled at how I needed to get involved.

And just as I was dealing with all these merchants who were questioning the methodology of my map drawing for our Saturday event, I was running late to help set up for the party. I arrived just as it started to rain. Then 3 other merchants yelled at me for "excluding" them on the promo materials for Saturday. I tried to explain but tempers had already flared to the extent that any attempt at reason was futile. I was furious! It was just assumed that I did it on purpose or something!

I work for a group of 50 businesses! I work for all of them and try to help promote all of them! Okay, two of the 5 complainers were excluded in error- but it was fixable! Just give me a chance to make it right, right? It was ridiculous. It upsets me when people aren't willing to find a solution to the problem but would rather scream and yell and walk away without anything resolved. How does that fix anything? Sure venting makes you feel better in the short term, but did anything get solved? Yes, I left the party to go redo the map and have it reprinted. But, I would have done that anyway. But, it would have made everyone feel better if we could have avoided the big dramatic scene. Especially me.

Then the guy with the grill (remember him from the previous post?) canceled on me. No food for our crowd! Great... The band also canceled, but that was a bit more understandable. Electronic equipment + rain and lightning= charbroiled band members.

So after all of that, I just sat down and started drinking. I was done. Spent. Defeated. Mother Nature totally kicked my ass on Friday. On the bright side, the police men and firemen were very flirty and my new boss took me to dinner after the event was over since we were denied our grilled burgers and dogs.

The most telling example of how Friday went is this: while I'm away fixing the map that didn't need fixing, the hottie showed up at the party. To see me and I wasn't there. AAARRGGHH!

I was really bummed on Saturday when I was informed of this. But kinda glad he came anyway. Hmmm. More to come from him I'm sure...

~~~~

All of the drama has not left much time for my 2nd job or for anything else for that matter. I'm finally getting caught up a bit though. I actually took yesterday afternoon off and chilled at the pool. I'm sure I was snoring because I totally fell asleep! It was awesome actually. Very relaxing. I'm going to try to do that more often.

~~~~

I heard from the one married guy again tonight. I think the other one has finally given up on me. After I turned him down when he offered me money to pay bills a couple of weeks ago- EWWW! I've not heard anymore from him. I really didn't want to find out what "strings" might be attached to that offer and his response shows that it was obviously a conditional one. The money would've been nice, but that'd be like prostituting myself and I won't go there. Broke or not.

Anyway, I IM'd "P" to tell him that I've almost drank all the beer that he brought over way back whenever we first met. I have one left and told him that he needs to stop by again and bring more! This was purely out of curiosity to see what his response would be. He took the bait and we chatted a bit. He's preparing for another business trip so we'll be able to chat more frequently again. I know I should stay away, but he cracks me up and I enjoy chatting with him.

In just a 5 minute conversation, he had me totally laughing out loud. We just feed off each other's jokes like a comedy routine. It's really hilarious.

Can't believe I did it!

2008-07-25T06:46:00.003-05:00

After some convincing from a guy friend of mine, I decided to go out by myself last night. As mentioned in a previous post, I really wanted to go see a local band play, but didn't have anyone to go with me. This totally played into a goal I set for myself years ago in which I determined things that I would need to learn to be comfortable doing all alone. Like if I'm going to be truly independent and "okay" with being single, I can't depend on others to hang out with. So, need to learn to eat out, go to the movies, travel by myself.

Since the cover charge was only $3, I decided that I would just go and try it and if I felt uncomfortable then I'd return home. So, I went, chatted with a cutie from North Carolina (are you shocked that he's only 23!), and then got hit on by the bouncer (he's my age). The bouncer screams bad boy. Tall, bald, tattoos, piercing, tough guy demeanor... you know he's probably a teddy bear beneath all that, but still... Anyway, I asked him to watch my drink for me while I went to the bathroom and he took it as hitting on him. Guys are sooo funny that way!

Now for the band... The opening act was really awesome! The lead singer was really cool too (met him after their set). And then finally, the reason for being there! Charlie and co. totally rocked out! I'll probably be tone deaf all day today, but don't care- I had a lot of fun! Also chatted with Charlie about how we "know" each other. It was cool.

For those of you who aren't up to speed, Charlie and I grew up in the same town. He's over a decade younger though and was in kindergarten when I was a Senior in High School. But, being such a small town, I know his parents and grandparents, etc. Charlie knows my younger brother really well (just a year apart in school) but knew of me, just didn't know I was such a fan of his band! Good Times.

~~~
Yesterday afternoon I got in on a discussion among some co-workers at my job. They were talking about marriage and what makes it successful. One guy theorized that the reason he and his wife stayed together versus others is that they do everything together. They are best friends and don't want to do stuff without each other. I will expand on this further in a future post, but found his comments interesting.

~~

I'm nervous for work today. Our big event is just hours away and I'm anxious to see if all the pieces fall into place and if we pull it all off. I'm sure it will go well, but it's nail-biting time!

The bitter and the sweet

2008-07-23T22:39:00.003-05:00

It's kind of a cliche that you have to experience the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. After the stress of last week, I'm kind of going with the flow so far the past few days. Okay, I've been adding names to my shit list, and become rather bitchy with flakes, flip floppers and other fools who keep trying to waste my time!

But, having planned several company events, picnics and fundraiser fetes, I know that it's so stressful in the days leading up to the big hoorah and there are times when it seems like you'd be better off just canceling the whole thing since nothing is going your way. And yet, somehow, someway, it all just comes together. There are minor hiccups at times, but the key word is minor and most are fixable. Everyone has a good time, you pull the damn thing off and are happy and content to know that it all came together. Or, in my case, that I won! That I managed to overcome all the things that conspired against me.

That's where I'm at today. Trying to stay positive, but it's becoming more and more difficult! At 5 pm today I found out that the vendor who was supplying a commercial BBQ grill for us to use to grill hamburgers and hotdogs for 300 people called to say that they couldn't get a grill and that they wanted to provide something else rather than the items already specified. The party is on Friday people!! If it were possible to strangle someone through a land line telephone, this man would be dead! I'm sure I didn't sound nice, but I told him that I cannot have him change everything now. But, I'm still stuck without a grill!! Grrrr... So much for taking the afternoon off tomorrow.

I really wanted to have a nice relaxing day at the pool, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

Interesting development. Since I've been spending so much time in the office lately, I keep running into a hot guy who works there. Not sure if he's gay or not, but he's really freaking cool! He's been helping secure a few details for me for this event so we've had to email a lot. Well, yesterday, rather than just replying to my email, he called me! And left his cell number! And then today he made a point to come see me in my office. He works in a different building and I've never seen him in my building! Hmmm. Seems like he's going out of his way to see me, donchya think? So... I'm excited to hopefully hang out with him more at the event on Friday. See him away from the office. Really not crazy about dating a sort of co-worker, but, definitely worth checking out anyway.

True story: when my best friend met him a few months ago, her first thought was that he's sooo the type of guy for me!

Well, my other job can't be put on hold while I put out fires and deal with difficult people, so I better put this post to bed. That, and my beer is getting warm. See, the title was appropo- blogging over beer! Mwah ha ha!

Loving the Single Life (well, most of the time)

2008-07-20T21:39:00.003-05:00

I really like being single. I think that's a lot of the reason I've managed to dodge the "marriage bullet" all this time. Maybe a lot of it is fear too. I fear that marriage will lead to a loss of freedom, a loss of self, the realization of a grievous error in judgement and ending up more miserable than I already am at times.

That said, there are only a few occasions when being single, well, kinda sucks! Like holidays. Family reunions and times when you are around only married people who also have kids (Hey wanna see pics of my cats? ). It also sucks at times when you are the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel- basically odd woman (or man) out. Most people are cool with this, but there are the occasional "don't you dare acknowledge my husband, Bitch!" chicks. And then, there are the things that you want to do that you can't/won't do alone and that your friends just don't want to do. Guy oriented stuff. Stuff that even a gay guy friend probably wouldn't enjoy either. Stuff like hang out at the local dive bar and drink cheap beer and shoot pool or cheer on the local team at the ballpark.

Having guys visit my house recently really reinforced how much I love to be single and how difficult it will be for me to adjust to being "coupled" if I ever meet the right person to couple up with. There's the stereotypical toilet seat thing and then having to share space when I'm used to sprawling across my bed. And then there's the whole, cleaning up after them thing. Since when am I their mother? I know it's my house, but isn't it polite to ask where the empty beer bottles go? Or offer to help clean up? Seriously guys!

So anyway, I'm totally bummed because I really want to go see a live band play, but the bar is kinda scary and I probably won't know anyone there, so I don't feel comfortable going alone. It really sucks! I'm hating it that the 23 year old guy lives so far away. He'd be a perfect candidate for this task! But, alas, it won't work to invite him... Dang it!

~~~
Today I talked to my family again about having my parents pick out a guy for me to date. I'm really thinking about this. I have such a horrible track record in attracting guys that I think this is a really viable option. Although I they have different criteria for choosing a guy (high on my mom's list: the guy must be Catholic and lack tattoos or piercings). None of these things are on my list, except maybe that I'd prefer he wasn't Catholic and prefer that he have tattoos and piercings.

I still stick to my assertion though that I'd like to meet a guy like my brother but a lot less "country." I met a really nice farmer Friday night (a guy a lot like my brother). He's single, cute, a great dancer and overall nice guy. But... he's a farmer and lives in a tiny town about an hour away. He reminded me a lot of a cowboy that I dated many moons ago, but I just can't go there... Not yet anyway.

Inspiration found in the most unlikely places...

2008-07-19T16:08:00.004-05:00

I was on Facebook earlier checking out messages from friends when I stumbled upon a sticker that was really profound!

It said "Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option." WOW! I need to like cross-stitch that onto a pillow! Lol. I found the above cartoon just for laughs- really, haven't we all dated that guy? (or that girl, for that matter)

Anyway, it really made me think of all the times, past and present when I've made a guy a priority while he only saw me as an option. I meet a guy, I really really like him and jump through hoops to get him to like me too. I ignore all the guys who probably care, really like me and wish I would go out with them, all for some moron who is more in love with his own reflection or with the "ideal girl" he pictures in his dreams than with me!

Last night I spent some time with a guy I met a few months ago. At one point I thought he was a great guy who possessed a lot of the qualities I think I'm looking for. In the past few weeks though, I've realized how "off" my initial impression of him was! As if that wasn't enough, we fight like cats and dogs and yet, we still keep talking to each other. I haven't missed the drama and all the baggage he brings to the table, but last night I didn't care. I just wanted to feel, not think and touch, not talk. I know better now than to expect anything more from him but it was nice to know that he could be there when I needed him, at least once in awhile.

Earlier last night I was talking to a friend's mom. She was teasing me and said that my "picker outer is broken." This woman is truly prophetic, because she doesn't know me well, but really nailed it on the head with that comment!

~~~
Also today I stumbled upon an interesting post on mentalfloss that discusses the possible like between birth control use in women and the bad choices in men, specifically regarding infertility and even possibly divorce rates. It all has to do with pheromones and sense of smell. Very interesting idea and worth checking out.

The one thing that they don't address though is whether a good mate based on biology is also a good mate based on psychology? Can sense of smell lead you to the guy who is the best match for your personality quirks and future life goals? Have we all been screwing it up by wearing perfume/cologne/scented lotions, etc. and gasp! taking birth control and altering how biology is supposed to work? I didn't check, but somehow I suspect that a "pro-life" group was behind the study... lol

Writing Your Life Story

2008-07-16T23:16:00.007-05:00

Driving down the street yesterday I saw a quote on a billboard that said, in essence, "you are the author of your own life story." Wow! It really got the wheels turning...

Since I am at a point in my life that I have no idea what the future will bring and have so many things "up in the air," it really made me stop and think.

Revisions aren't possible in this story. Are there things you would go back and rewrite if you could? Also, kind of like the process of writing- does the story end how you predicted it would when you started?

Does your life story involve suspense, elaborate plot twists that leave the reader hanging to find out what happens next?

And, when do we know that we are finished writing? When is the story done? Is it death that signals "the end" or is it something else? Happily Ever After? Until Next Time...

So as I'm thinking about it I kind of like this idea. You know there are probably things I'd edit or revise if I were writing my own story, but for the most part the experiences make the story all the richer. They add an unexpected element, comic relief, drama, and even a few moral lessons too.

And not knowing how it will all end is part of the fun, isn't it? The anticipation, the suspense... I hate watching movies where you know how it will end before it even begins. It's kind of like- why waste my time here? Nothing to learn- been there, done that, got the shirt. Ya know? I recently had a relationship like that as well. I knew what was gonna happen after a week of knowing him. I predicted we'd at least stay friends which didn't happen, but otherwise I was correct in predicting that it would implode very quickly (5 weeks!).

So... I'm kind of excited at all the unknown. I am realizing that I do need to set some goals for where I'd like to be financially, career-wise, health-wise, etc. But, at the same time, I do know that every time I've fully plotted out a timeline of goals, the best laid plans get all blown to hell by some unexpected event.

Like working in my last HR job. I was so sure it was the right thing for me, was so excited, started making plans of how other things were going to fall in to place in my life and BAM! I got laid off 6 months later. And then spent another 6 months unemployed. So much for that plan, huh?

But, the struggle of that time allowed me to re-evaluate a lot of things and glean what was truly important. And most of all, it stripped away all the excuses of why I kept putting off finishing my bachelor's degree.

So... I say relish the thought of blank pages yet to be written! Turn the page and see where the story takes you.

Finally!

2008-07-12T10:50:00.004-05:00

Sorry, it's been a few days since I've had a chance to post something new. I have been busy preparing for an exam and then had company from out of town. Now, I'm trying to dive back into my life after the past couple of hectic days.

I've come to a realization the past few days though. I'm finally getting my groove back. Yeah, like "Stella" in that movie. No, I didn't just go through a harrowing divorce and find a boy toy in Jamaica, but I survived 5 years of illness that threw my life out of whack and met a boy toy from another city. lol.

I'm finally feeling like I'm back to where I was before I got sick. I don't feel like the cloud of illness is obscuring the sunny parts of my life and making me afraid to play for fear of the game being called due to rain. The sky is one giant rainbow for me right now! I wonder if I can find the pot of gold? Hmmm.

As for the "boy toy" it's really strange. He's like me. It's making me question exactly how immature I am if I can relate to someone who is 12 years younger as well as I can him. But, rather than try to intellectualize this, I'm just enjoying having fun and going with the moment. My family and friends thought I was absolutely insane to invite this guy to come stay at my house, when all I knew was from talking online. But, I've done similar things back in the day- I'm just a risk-taker I guess. Anyway, I trusted my judgement and everything was fine. As for what he sees in me- the old lady? For one thing, I look closer to his age than my own. Being a college student and single means that I live more like a typical college kid rather than someone my own age. So... it works! Plus he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and he's absolutely adorable! What's not to love? See, it is like Stella!

The thing that really stinks is that he lives 3 hours away. Not exactly conducive to relationship/friendship development. I mean with $4 gas, school, and both of us working 2 jobs. What the hell? But, why not? There's always IM'ing and TM'ing. I just need to get a webcam and mic so he doesn't forget what I look like! lol.

The "boy toy" had never visited my city, so I was excited to be the local ambassador and tour guide to the cool things we have here. It was fun to see the city through new eyes and show off the things that I think make this place great. He really enjoyed the visit and I think he'll come back since there is so much more to see and do here.

And, because of him I tried something new too! I took him to a restaurant for Sushi. I've always wanted to try it, but wanted to be with someone who could guide me in what's good. It was awesome! Will definitely be returning for that!

Yesterday I had a couple of work meetings that reinforced why I love my job. Yes, I was really frustrated last week with how annoying the administrative part can be, but overall- what a great place to be! It was just what I needed to make me love what I do again and feel really good about where I am at career-wise and in my life in general.

Hmmmm

2008-07-08T22:46:00.002-05:00

I had an interview today for a PT position in my chosen field. It was a rather informal meeting in that I already know the people I would work for, it's just discussing what they are looking for and whether or not that interests me.

It sounds really awesome! I'm a huge fan of their business and know a couple of their employees already, but the issue is money. Always something, right? I had a figure in mind of what I feel I'm worth on the market and they have a figure of what they can pay this position and the two are not really close.

So... it's hard. I really want to do this. I really need to get a 2nd job, but if I'm still in the hole each month (although less than I am currently, then am I really gaining anything?). And, the fringe benefits that are involved like real world experience in my field and the potential for college credit- how much is that worth? How do you quantify the value of these additional things?

The consesus among my friends has been - duh! Go for it. I'm leaning toward that because there are no guarantees that I will be able to find something that pays better.

~~~~~~

This afternoon I had a dream and in my dream, my grandparents appeared. It's been a long time since I've had a visitor from beyond, but the main theme was the same. My grandparents were in the car- on their way somewhere and stopped by to say "Hello." I was surprised to see them, as they were me. My grandma just looked at me and said "I know that you are confused right now, but hang in there, it will all make sense very soon."

Then I woke up with tears in my eyes. I think that she said something else, but that's all I remember. It's been over 10 years since she last came to me in a dream to give me a message. Last time I was really down and dreamed I had committed suicide. She came to me and told me that everything was going to be okay.

Has this ever happened to you? Isn't it bizarre? Do you really take heart that the message is really important somehow, just because of the method in which it was received? It really impacted me then and again today.

Then, to really freak me out further, I was skimming the blog "divine Caroline" and stumbled upon a post by someone talking about how her grandfather keeps haunting her dreams! Coincidence? Somehow, I don't think so. But, I was too freaked out to read further than the headline!

Well, all I can say is that I hope that this all makes sense very soon!

School Schmule... flirting is waaay more fun!

2008-07-06T10:33:00.005-05:00

I finally recovered from partying Thursday night. It's been a weird weekend. My FWB has officially unfriended me. I think it's kind of funny because I have no idea what I said or did to send him over the edge. I just told him I'm tired of fighting all the time. Really, it was getting old and his drama? No thanks...

Anyway, while researching an internet start up idea that the married guy suggested, I met a cutie from KC! We've been chatting a lot the last couple of days and he's coming to visit me next week! This morning I had a moment of panic wondering if that was smart... I don't know this guy and he's coming to stay at my house? I always trust my gut though and I think it's cool.

He's just sweet, funny and adorable as hell! And he really digs me too! Bonus!! So, now I'm wondering what my friends and family will think. He's sooo young! Okay, I'm not a pedophile, he's at least of age, but still- I'm venturing into Demi and Ashton territory here.

Which raises the question- how old do you have to be to become a cougar? Is it over 40? Or is it more a matter of the age difference between you? If that's the case, I've probably joined the club. If I have to be over 40, I'm okay.

So, spending all this time flirting has prevented me from studying. I sooo need to study too. I have a test next week and things are not going well. I'm really struggling. Since this is my most hated subject, it's way too easy to think of other things to do like scrub the shower, clean the litter box, vacuum out my car... yeah maybe I need to go to the library!

To continue my new trend of passing along cool stuff I've found on the web, I want to share a picture of an art technique called "reverse graffiti." The images are sandblasted into the sides of buildings, rail cars and other public surfaces that are covered with the grime and soot of urban living. The artist's name is moose. You can find a profile of Moose and his art at http://.reversegraffitiproject.com.

I just don't get it...

2008-07-04T12:41:00.002-05:00

Okay, I feel the need to rant. Please forgive me but I'm hungover and didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm kinda cranky!

But, this is something that has bugged me since I dumped the guy I thought I'd marry, circa 1997! I don't get what guys look for in a girl to settle down with! I'm not your typical chick, which I always thought would be to my advantage, but now... I'm thinking that I need a personality transplant!

I like sports, beer, cigars, hate feeling tied down in a relationship. I like to have separate friends and interests than my beloved and don't feel the need to spend every waking moment together. I like sex (a lot) and know what I like and how to ask for it (or get it on my own!). I'm cool with my man hanging with his buds, even if they go to a strip club as long as it's not an every day thing. What's not to love? And yet... I'm just seen as a friend or a playmate and not girlfriend material or more. I'm frequently accused of being a heart breaker or a player. Is this how I come across? Is my light hearted attitude toward relationships perceived as being less than sincere?

I'm not the kind of girl who "needs" to have a boyfriend. My self-worth is not measured by who I am dating. I do not ditch my friends for whatever the flavor of the week is. I hate how girls have their little "cliques" and don't get the whole go together to pee thing, and still I'm not datable?

I will be honest and say that I am a big time flirt. Maybe that's where a lot of this comes from. Maybe I appear to always be looking for the next fun thing, but it's rarely the truth.

I'm still trying to figure out what happened with the married guy. What I did or said that caused him to leave a silhouette shape in my door from running away so fast. Update: he is somewhat communicating again. Baby steps... And still, I wonder if he's too conservative for me. I at least want to get to know him better though and have the chance to find out.

Hopefully I can figure out where I'm going wrong before I become the dating pariah in the nursing home!

Feeling Patriotic

2008-07-03T16:02:00.005-05:00

Okay, I'm not going to bust out the karaoke machine and start singing "Proud to be an American" but really, I am. Like Obama, I don't wear a flag pin every day, but the feeling is there nonetheless. In my past career I had the opportunity to interact with a lot of recent immigrants to this country. Once you get to know these people who have sacrificed so much to come to this country for the promise of a better life for them and their family and then who continue to work hard and sacrifice even more to help support family members who are still in the home country, well... you start to see America with fresh eyes.

I think that's enough sap for today, so while you all fight back indigestion I'm going to share the coolest website I've found in awhile. It's some what related to the theme in that, if we truly love our country, we must do everything we can to protect our natural resources and learn to be less dependent on the resources of other countries (like oil). Please forgive me while I still try to figure out how to create a hyperlink on this site... I should've paid more attention in class while we were learning all this stuff!

Okay the site is http://unscrewamerica.org/

I hope you all have a safe and wonderful holiday! I'm not sure what my plans are at this point. Probably just enjoy the extra day off work and do whatever strikes my mood at the time!

Happy Hump Day

2008-07-02T17:39:00.006-05:00

Is it really Wednesday? Wow. What the hell happened to Tuesday? And Friday is a holiday, so technically it's kind of Thursday! Yeah!!

I've been a networking fool today, visiting with Merchants and emailing prospective employers to maintain the relationships I've developed with them so hopefully they will hire me next year. I spent so much time doing that today that now tonight I get to stuff envelopes for a mailer that really should have been postmarked today, but will go out tomorrow instead. Uggh. Oh well, I'd rather watch tv and do it than sit in my office. Just when I forget that I'm a glorified secretary, a task like this comes along that helps snap me back to reality and remind me of why I'm going to school.

Well, I initially started this blog as a method of sharing information with my network of family and friends in an easier format than sending emails from 6 different addresses and maintaining pages on 2 different social networking sites. But, I got preoccupied with my love life and forgot.

So, today I'm going to try to balance the two a bit better. First off, the picture at the top of this post is of what is called a Newspaper Blackout Poem. I found this artist profiled on another site and loved this idea! So simple, beautiful, thought provoking and well... judge for yourself! http://www.austinkleon.com/category/newspaper-blackout-poems/ My favorite is the one that is at the bottom of the main page about the girl holding books. The couple on the tandem bike is also quite beautiful. Really, how does he come up with these things? Wow...

The foods we crave and the sex we like...

2008-07-01T12:47:00.002-05:00

I think I'm getting "let down easy." After last night, the married guy is having second thoughts, cold feet... I want to chase him, convince him to give me another chance, and all of that but I know that I can't. He has to work this out for himself, and maybe he truly wasn't attracted to me in person? Only time will tell.

I've been talking to "my guys" a lot lately about sex and using food analogies. It all got me to thinking about how best to explain the need for novelty and variety and try new things without sounding like a complete slut, commitment phobe or player.

So, I thought about how everyone has their favorite comfort food. For me it's meat and potatoes or pasta. I like a lot of different foods and sometimes crave Asian stir fry or Cajun spice, but I don't eat them every day. I think that at times you are in a "phase" where you experiment with new foods. Either you go out and explore new restaurants or you stay home and try a new recipe.

Sex is very much the same way. Not everyone has the need or means to eat out every day. Many people cook at home to save money and to maintain that sense of family and home. Many cooks (and sex partners) get bored with the same old, same old recipes and long to change things up and try something new.

I really enjoy cooking, but rarely have someone to cook for and the leftovers get old quick! So, as a single girl, I eat out a lot, but I usually eat at the same handful of restaurants over and over. Once in awhile I'll try something new, but when I'm hungry, I usually think of the favorites first.

My approach to sex is exactly the same! The novelty and newness of the past few weeks has been fun! But, at the end of the day, I just long for the ability to cook my favorite comfort foods at home and have someone to share them with. All the exotic foods are tasty, but steak and potatoes are always satisfying.

He brought beer- whatta guy!

2008-06-30T23:23:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I FINALLY met the married guy today. He made it back to Doodah in time to take me to lunch. Again, only the married ones think enough of me to take me to lunch. I can count on one hand the number of lunch dates I have had: 1!

So, I was really, really nervous! But, he's really handsome! He looks his age, but he's nice. A good height for me, nice eyes and a sweet smile.

Last night after his flight was canceled, my former FWB IM'd me and asked me to come over. Since I was still unsure how things were going to go with the married guy, I decided to go ahead. Plus all the flirty emails has left me rather randy w/out an appropriate outlet! Hooking up with him again was a lot of fun! Wow... it's amazing what a little competition will do for a guy!

So, after lunch, He decided that he would stop by my place after work. He brought beer- lots of beer and we just hung out. It was kind of awkward inviting him into my personal space. I haven't had a guy over in like ever... But it was nice to hang out and snuggle and get to know each other better. I'll spare you any other details, but suffice it to say that I anticipate that we will continue to see each other. Besides, He brought so much beer I'll feel bad if he doesn't come back to drink more.

We are trying to take things slow and really evaluate what we are doing. He is just as unsure of this as I am. Late this afternoon he sent me an email freaking out about my frank discussions of other lovers, etc. I think he is worried that I won't be satisfied with just Him in my life. But, he doesn't get that until I can have him 100% then I shouldn't be required to give him 100% either. It's only fair. I'll just keep my extracurricular activities to myself from now on.

Yes, I am more experienced than he is in a lot of ways, but I think that it's a good thing. Unlike him, I've gotten all of this out of my system so that when I do meet the guy I want to settle down with, I'll be content with him for the rest of my life fulling knowing that I've been there and done all that I cared to do while single. He is just conservative and has a more traditional view of sex and sexuality. After we discussed things a bit, we came to an understanding. He and I want very similar things, it's just that we've taken two completely different paths to get there.

Before he left, it was nice to just snuggle and talk. We fit together really well. It was hard to let him go though! I really wanted him to stay, to fall asleep laying as we were and wake up like that later too. But, another day.

Well, the intense focus of this relationship has left my other "friends" feeling neglected. My phone friend is all jealous (but I made up for it the other night) and then my former FWB too. Had they shown more interest in me 2 weeks ago, I wouldn't be in this mess now!

Today I was approached by one of our board members regarding working at her firm. I really hope that we can work something out! I got paid today and the check was gone long before I got the actual cash. And it didn't even fully cover the bills I need to pay! Now what?

Hurry up and Wait! I HATE When That Happens...

2008-06-29T21:34:00.002-05:00

Today has been a weird day. I was up until late cleaning and woke up early to try to get more done before I left for the farm. As I was laying in bed trying to motivate myself to crawl out from under the covers, He tm'd me! What a great way to start the day! So we tm'd for awhile before he had to catch a bus and I had to get in the shower.

I rushed through everything at the farm so I could get back here in time to finish cleaning before he arrived around 11pm. As I was just passing into the city limits, I received a tm that his plane is delayed. We joked around for a bit so he could pass the time and about the time I reached my door, he was told that the plane would have to wait for the weather to clear at their destination. So, off the plane, and back into the terminal. So, rather than cleaning and straightening. I've been conversing with him. Which would you do?

At this point, it's not looking very promising that He will get to Wichita yet tonight. I know that the final flight from Atlanta to Wichita has about left and he's still 3 hours away. So.... We have to postpone our meeting until tomorrow night! ARRGH! Why??

But, at least that gives me more time to clean! Lol. I'm so wore out right now I just want to go to bed! I'm drinking coffee so I can stay awake and hopefully get more done yet this evening without pissing off my neighbors too much. I now realize why I don't ever clean house- it's really hard work!

I think I'm going to be really happy with how my place looks once I'm done though. It will be nice to be able to have people over without stressing out about what a mess there is.

I'm So Totally Screwed!

2008-06-28T13:10:00.002-05:00

Last night I talked to the married guy for quite awhile. It was really nice being able to have an uninterrupted conversation at last! I initially contacted him to confirm our lunch meeting on Monday. I wasn't sure where and what time we were to meet. In the course of the conversation though, things took an unexpected turn and now he's coming to my house tomorrow night to meet me instead.

I'm excited, hopeful, nauseous, terrified- basically a whole bundle of contradictory emotions! What have I gotten myself into? He is just coming over to hang out, meet and have a beer. But, we all know where this is likely to lead right?

Trying to wrap my head around whether or not I'm okay with getting involved with a guy who is married. Of course he's starting to waffle on whether he will stay 'till the kids are grown... I'm not quite buying that yet though. I guess it boils down to - I'm not the one who is married. Yes, I am guilty by association and because he has not mislead me regarding his marital status. And still, I'm not the one breaking a vow, hurting my family, etc. It's all on him.

Well, I need to get back to cleaning. He doesn't need to know that bachelor girls live kinda like bachelor guys most of the time!

Happy Friday!

2008-06-27T01:40:00.003-05:00

I'm glad that the weekend is finally here. It means that Monday is getting closer! I've got butterflies already just thinking about meeting the married guy! Sad, so sad...

Well, two of my friends are adamantly opposed to the idea of me getting involved. They are correct- I deserve better, he's an ass for doing this to his wife and kids, he needs to man up and accept his situation as it is or get out, etc.

I know all of these things are correct. I know I should walk away, but what if I'm walking away from "the guy?" I just can't walk away yet- I need to check him out first and see if there really is something tangible there. I'm not talking about sex, but about the "feeling" you get for someone that is indescribable. It's either there or it's not, and well, I just gotta know for sure first. I'm sure I will read this post a few months from now and cry over how stupid and naive I have been. But right now, I just can't help myself!

So far I'm really attracted to him! he's smart, sexy, funny as hell, successful, sweet, thoughtful, ornery, flirty, and says he's absolutely smitten with me too! It totally brightens my day when I get an email or TM from him. I want to get him a cupcake for Monday as a belated "Birthday" celebration. I NEVER do that for guys! But, I want to for him...

What the hell am I going to do?

It's Hot Outside!

2008-06-25T17:43:00.002-05:00

Today once again, I struggled staying focused on work and not on other inconsequential things. I'm not sure why I can't seem to stay on track. I guess a lot of it is because of my financial concerns at the moment. I'm feeling MUCH better physically, but still unsure of how a 2nd job will fit in with school and my primary job (which I absolutely love!).

I'm creating quite a mess on the dating front. I've been talking to four different guys online, and am now down to three. One guy is a total sex addict and a bit wild in his tastes. I enjoy talking to him however and he does crack me up. Plus, a few walks on the wild side are always fun, at least for awhile! =) So... he called me last night all jealous because I have been unavailable the past couple of times he has called. Since I am honest about talking to others, he was afraid that he was being replaced. Hardly- just bad timing. We're hoping to eventually meet in person, but we are having trouble getting our schedules to mesh.

Besides the married guy I mentioned in my last post, I'm also emailing another married guy who is older. He is really conservative and just looking for a little fun and excitement in his otherwise plain vanilla life. He was pretty up front about this from the beginning and so I've told him that our relationship will never go beyond a friendship. I have yet to meet him in person, and really have little desire to beyond a slight curiosity. I'm content to just exchange long emails outlining our day and our thoughts on life. The one problem here is that he definitely wants more of a role in my life. He wants to be more than an email pen pal. He is jealous that I talk to other guys because he wants me all to himself. I disagree though. It's not fair to me (or his wife or kids) to take this further than it's current state.

Today I talked more to the "other" married guy. His emails and text messages are the bright spot in my day and he continues to crack me up and amaze me the more I learn about him. I am starting to get nervous about meeting him! I want to get my hair cut and colored, brows waxed, etc. I'm already starting to think about what I want to wear- this is sooo unlike me!

I wish I had someone to talk to about this- someone who has been there who can give me advice.

My First Post!

2008-06-25T02:19:00.000-05:00

I've been itching to do this awhile. Find a forum for all the random thoughts that swirl in my head and share the cool things I see and read with all my friends and family, so here I am! Now that I'm FINALLY writing, I'm struggling to think of what to say! Shocking I know.

Okay, today I was discussing why married guys can see the beauty, brilliance and overall awesomeness of my personality, when their single counterparts could really care less. Why is it? What is it about me that only appeals to well, the unavailable? It's really unfortunate too. I don't want to waste all my cool stories, jokes and efforts on someone who can't be fully in a relationship with me. As Wendy pointed out the other day, "I deserve better!" She's right! I've paid my dues, kissed the frogs, oh boy have I kissed some frogs! But where's my Prince? I'm ready damnit! Okay, I still have some work to do, but don't we all? I don't plan to be really "finished" until the day I expire. And then, well I guess I'll have to be done right? Lol.

This all came about because I met a really cool guy online. We've exchanged a few emails and have now progressed to text and instant messaging. Oh, and we exchanged pics the other night as well. At first he said that he was "separated", which in my book still means "married" but I decided to stick around because I liked his emails. Well, I'm really starting to like him! He's cute, hysterically funny, smart, successful.... I could go on, but, as you can see- I'm in trouble! I can't go there- refuse to go there, but... Why? Why does he have to be married? He really likes me too but I'm under no illusion that he will leave his wife for me. He's made it perfectly clear where he stands, so I know better than to hope for this. I agreed to meet him for lunch next week and I'm now really conflicted about it. Part of me hopes that I won't be attracted to him because it will be a lot easier to walk away, and part of me hopes that he's as great in person, because I will be really disappointed if he's not.