Monday, April 27, 2009

Confidence is key

It's all about confidence.

I've started waiting tables and although I'm still learning the menu and the questions to ask (would you like red sauce or cheese sauce on your enchiladas?), confidence will still get me a tip. Yesterday I was having a really bad day and managed to accidently throw 2 steak knives at a customer! Who knew wooden handles could be slippery? Anyway, I smiled and apologized my way through it and still got a tip. Not a great one, but still, they left me a couple of bucks.

In a job interview confidence is definitely necessary. If you walk in there with any hint of hesitation, act like you think you don't belong or feel you are unworthy, then forget about it. You aren't going to get past that first interview. Sometimes this can be challenging. After being unemployed and broke for a long time, it's really difficult to shake off the air of desperation. But, it's absolutely essential because desperation hangs in the atmosphere like really bad cologne. I think that is why it is always easier to find a job when you already have one. You aren't desperate to find SOMETHING because you already have it. You can take it or leave it. So, my advice is to be sure and bathe in happy thoughts before you walk through the door. Confidence alone won't get you the job, but lack of confidence will definitely keep you from getting a job that you are otherwise qualified for. If you doubt that you are capable, you make the interviewer question whether you are capable as well.

I think that confidence in dating is also important. If you feel unworthy of dating or don't love yourself, then you will either fail to attract anyone at all or you will attract people who don't love you either. That's where I'm at right now. I'm thinking about trying to dip my toe in the dating pool again. I'm sure it's because I'm feeling more optimistic about life right now. I'm still basically homeless and can't drive, but things are better than they were a couple of months ago. And guys are starting to check me out more and flirt more. Of course I'm surrounded by much younger guys at work, but the attention is nice. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with my increased confidence. I'm feeling better and probably looking better. But because I'm not where I want to be in my life, I feel like I should wait. See I wouldn't date a person who lives in their married friends' guest room and doesn't have a car, so I really don't want to date someone who would date me. I know that my situation is temporary, but I feel like I need to make more progress before I can feel confident in attracting the type of person I'm looking for. The difference being that now I feel more confident that I can get there. I will be that person again.

One of my favorite people at work is this really young gay guy. He always tells me how beautiful I am and says he loves me. He has a boyfriend and I wouldn't date him even if he was straight, but he makes work fun. And the adoration is a definite confidence builder.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fear

What are you afraid of? Spiders? Tornadoes? Death? There aren't many things that I can think of that I'm afraid of. Okay bees and wasps freak me out. I also have a fear of being alone at night that was mostly cured when I lived alone for 3 years. Before that I had too many freak incidents happen when my roommates were away that I had to sleep with the tv on and phone within arm's reach for a long time. But, on the flip side, I'm frequently described as incredibly brave. I've done things that those who know me would never, ever do. Like inviting a guy I've never met to come visit and stay at my house, or speed dating. One year for my New Year's resolution, I decided to do things that scared me. I decided that I was spending too much time in my comfort zone and needed to shake up the status quo in my life a bit. That year I created an online dating profile and tried speed dating. I had a blast.

As I was taking a cab home the other night, a car accident forced a detour past a church with a sign out front that said something like "don't live life guided by fear." This really got me thinking about the brave things I've done in the past and how I've let my fears paralyze me in recent months. Many things that I was absolutely terrified of have come true. The great guy I was dating left me, I lost my apartment, my cat, and my ability to drive (temporarily). All of these things have happened because I was too terrified to take action to prevent them from happening. Okay, maybe not the break up, but the rest of them for sure.

So I decided to sit down and think about what really scares me now. What am I afraid of now? And after I identify those things, I need to decide what actions to take to prevent them from becoming reality. I'm hopeful that this will prevent more nightmares from coming true in my life.

Although the meaning on the sign at the church was that you should give your life over to God and not fear, I think that there can be wisdom found in it for those of us who are not ready to surrender control to a higher power and those who do not believe.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Can I just be happy for a moment?

So far the week has started out quite well! Spent Sunday at the farm helping my niece celebrate her 3rd Birthday. The celebration was postponed due to the weather the weekend before. Lots of fun seeing the kids and my dad was civil. Difficult for him right now I know, but I'm thankful that he made the effort to not spoil every one's day.

This morning I had an interview at a local restaurant for a server position. I've actually never technically worked as a server, but I managed to talk myself into the interview and got the job! Okay, they hired me as hostess and server trainee but still. I Got a Job people! Yippee!

So I called my sister to let her know and she can't let me be happy for even one moment. She just reminds me that I'll need to work 2 jobs in order to get back on my feet financially. Like duh! As if I did not know this already. I'm living with my extremely generous bff and her family because I'm homeless and I printed off the bus schedules yesterday so I can figure out how to get to and from my job since it's too far to walk. Yeah I'm completely oblivious to my situation here.

I understand that it's probably difficult for those around me to be supportive and I'm sure they can't comprehend what I'm going through right now but I'm always so there for everyone else. I bust my ass to be their biggest supporter and cheerleader and once in awhile it would be nice to have a little in return.

No this job isn't quite my dream job. I didn't spend 3 years at WSU to be a greeter or serve people chips and salsa all day, but it's still a job. It's a small step in the right direction. Can't that be enough, for at least today?

Okay enough ranting...

I was pleased and slightly embarrassed to discover that my humble ramblings have been noticed by Douglasandmain. Writing this blog is a lot like writing in my diary. I write it for my friends to know what I'm going through, but I don't really think about other people reading it. Since I've tried really hard to be anonymous, I cringe to think of who might know who I am. Especially when I think about some posts from last Summer. Anyway, the recognition made me thankful that I've concealed the identity of others mentioned here. I write my thoughts and feelings rather unconsciously and would hate to be sued for defamation or something.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Will Work for Food

Okay, I'm not quite ready to stand out on the street corner with my cardboard sign, but I will say that job hunting is really frustrating right now. The constant rejection makes me doubt that I have any talent at all and wonder how I ever found a decent job in the first place.

Then I realize that I do have talents and wonder how I can get paid for them. No, don't come looking for me on Broadway... mind out of the gutter people!

See, I know that I can write decently. Maybe you've read other posts and disagree, but I've written some decent articles/reports/papers at school and in my working life and received praise for them. So I've been researching this and yet I realize that I'm a very small fish in a large and overpopulated pond. Uggh. Kinda like the Wichita job market right now.

I'm also contemplating applying for a job in my hometown. This would entail moving back home with the parents and likely working with a not-exactly-my-favorite relative. I'm worried that this could cause me to become near suicidal, but also realize that such a step may help me get back on my feet faster. What to do, what to do.