Monday, October 13, 2008

Ready or Not??


I just realized that there are only 2 months left of school! Yay! Now, I just have to get there- that's the hard part. So, 8 more weeks of struggling, studying, lack of sleep, no social life.... I can do it, right? I'm just really struggling with fatigue. It's more than just the typical college student exhaustion and has made it clear within the past couple of weeks that I need to get back on my meds. It's obvious that as much as I was hoping I was somehow cured, it was just an anomaly and I still need the drugs. I'm frustrated though since money is tight and I know that it will take several weeks for the levels to build in my system, so I'll be graduated before I see any real benefit most likely.


The other day one of my board members at the non-profit asked me about my plans post-graduation. I honestly had not thought about it- it seemed so far off still and yet, it's really not. So I decided then that I'd stick with them until March. Our current planning sessions with the city should wrap in March. That would be a good time to bring in someone new I think. I'm kind of ready to be done with the administrative thing. It's just not my strong suit and it has been a struggle. I want to still contribute to the organization, but would rather donate my time to a single committee rather than oversee all of them!


As for my Marketing job, I'm hopeful that I will be able to stick with them through the new year, but I know that the graduating during a recession is not the greatest idea ever. So, I'm trying to be realistic about the realities of the situation. Thankfully Wichita has been somewhat sheltered from the financial turmoil due to the aircraft industry boom, but that can only last so long.


There are so many things I want to do after December and so many things that I need to think about between now and then! I just realized that I need to plan a graduation party for myself, starting with a venue. That should be challenging considering it is in the midst of the holiday season!


Things with "M" are still going great. It's difficult to realize that it's only been 3 weeks when it seems like 3 months! I feel very lucky to have met him, although I know that luck is a small part of it. I know that I've paid my dues to get where I am today and that all of that was necessary to get here and in order to appreciate the great guy that he is. I just wish I had more time to spend with him and the resources to spoil him like he spoils me. At the moment all I can offer in the way of dinner is Ramen noodles or PB&J. So, I took him to the airport and picked him up when he got back the other night.


Today I heard again from "V." He again wanted to see me totally last minute. How was I ever okay with this? So, I just reminded him that I'm seeing someone. He was nice and wished me luck. Even if I hadn't met "M" I was so tired of V's habit of blowing me off at the last minute.


I'm glad that this weekend is Fall Break. I'm Ready!! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to go out to the farm and see the family. I'm sure my nephew is getting sooo big! He was born August 4th and I haven't seen him since my Birthday in late August. I thought about asking "M" to tag along, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't want it to be a big deal, but try as I might, it's gonna be a big deal to my family to meet him. They haven't met anyone in about 15 years so, yeah, it's big. My sister convinced me to wait until the holidays though. She is much more knowledgeable about these things and helped me realize that trying to make it not a "thing" won't work.

Funnily enough, as I was contemplating this, "M" mentions that his mom is coming to town in a few weeks and that I may get to meet her. I wish I could say that I'm excited but I'm actually more curious to meet her and fill in the blanks of the stories that I've heard so far.

Finally, "M" is a bit jealous that his dog and I have taken such a liking to each other. I'm not sure he understands how ironic this is. I'm sooo not a dog person! They are big, loud, smelly, like to lick and eat gross things and slobber everywhere. But, I will say that his dog is a lot of fun. It's fun to play ball with him (when it's not covered in slime) and snuggle with him except when he hogs the bed and tries to wedge in between "M" and I. "M" is worried that the dog is becoming more mine than his and has threatened to get another dog! Great. Just what I wanted [can you sense the sarcasm?]! My theory is that the dog is just excited that there is a new person around who gives him attention. I think that it will wear off with time. Especially if it ever becomes apparent to him that I am a "cat" person!

It's like my plan to get to know the dog has backfired on me! I knew that "M" and the dog were a package deal, kind of like me and my cats. So, I made a point to befriend the dog. Now it bites me in the ass because the dog likes me more! LOL. Sooo not how I saw that one being played out.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Is it Art?







Many people still possess a negative opinion of the art of tattooing. They picture dirty needles, skulls and drunken servicemen. I feel that tattoos are so much more than "Mom forever" and thorny roses. So here are a few pictures I think help convey my theory that it is art and should be welcomed as such.






Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Slowly I'm Learning


The past 3 years have been about more than getting a traditional education, I've also grown up a lot and learned a great deal about myself. It's been a rather painful process, but one that I realize was highly necessary and long overdue.




In a recent post I mentioned that I realize how I've sold myself short over the years. I've accepted mere crumbs in relationships and did everything in my power to sustain something that was barely a relationship to begin with. It's really sad and embarrassing to realize how often I did this and think back on the guys that I thought were worth my time and attention who really were not.




This has been further emphasized to me in the past week while spending time with "M." Yes, I am still seeing him and things are going very well.




One evening I stopped by after a night class and he was sweaty from walking the dog. I offered to hang around while he took a shower. Before he left me, he asked if I needed a drink or anything. I shook my head "no" and explained that I was fine. He then looked at me and said "you aren't used to being treated like this are you?" It's so sad, but no I'm not and I told him as much.




This past weekend we spent most of the time together. He really spoiled me! Cooked me dinner, made me breakfast, it was really nice! It makes me happy that he cares enough to do these things, but makes me sad that I've never had this experience before now.




He's really raised the bar for me to attempt to spoil him in return. I'm excited to try though. He really deserves it. Not just for all that he does for me, but because he is such a great guy in many other ways too. I can tell that in a lot of ways he's not used to being spoiled either. Friday night he fell asleep while we watched TV, so I picked up our dinner dishes and took the dog outside. When I finally woke him up, he was surprised that I had done all of that.


Each day I look forward to seeing him or at least speaking to him. I'm curious about his day and miss him when I don't get to see him. It's only been a couple of weeks but seems a lot longer (but in a good way).


When my best friend first started dating her husband, I would make fun of them for "needing" to talk every day and being so lovey dovey when they were around each other. I just didn't get why they needed to do all of that and what on earth they had to say to each other every day. Now, I'm there. I get it.


~~

Things at work are going well. I'm just still frustrated at trying to find time to do it all. Last week was nuts with 3 tests to prepare for and a paper due. This week is much more manageable. And next week is 2 tests and Fall Break! Already?? Wow!

~~

Now for some Art! I really dig this blog ! I'm not really their target demographic, but the stuff they post never ceases to amaze. Here is a link to an artist who sketches on sidewalks using chalk. Absolutely brilliant!








Thursday, October 2, 2008

Some things i really miss right now


As my final semester of school plugs along, I can't help but anticipate all the things I will be able to do with all the newly found free time! So, here's a list of things I can hardly wait for.


First of all I really miss reading for pleasure. There is a list of 200 plus titles that I'm itching to read. Last year I finally gave up adding to it since the list seemed too long already. I'm also in dire need of a vacation. Seriously February 2001 was the last one, not counting a weekend spent in Colorado when my niece was born. But that doesn't count since there was no alcohol consumed and my entire family was there. And that was even four years ago.


I want to paint and draw and sculpt something, anything! I want to volunteer. CASA, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Literacy Resources. These are all wonderful organizations that I long to devote my time to. Someday...


I miss Sunday family dinners. We haven't gotten together since August for my Birthday and I really miss seeing my nieces and nephew and how they've grown and changed and what's new in their worlds.


I want to have a girls weekend. Hell, at this point I'd take a girl's night! I really miss my girls. We don't get together like we did before I went back to school and I miss that connection. Plus, I've been really bad this year- forgetting special days in their lives.


This is going to sound funny, but I really miss working out! Once upon a time I had a gym membership and actually went on a regular basis. I was in the best shape of my life before I got sick six years ago. I can't wait to get back there!


Okay, I really don't miss this, but it frustrates me that I never have time for cleaning house, organizing my closet and desk and getting the recycling taken to the drop off place. I hate the clutter and trash and the stress that it all causes me!


Cooking! I miss being able to cook and bake. Even the holidays have been difficult the past couple of years because school manages to interfere with how much I can enjoy my time off.


Another nerdy one: I miss health insurance. Back before I was laid off, I took it all for granted! But, I was also a lot more proactive in getting my regular checkups and taking my medications as prescribed.


I miss KState football and going to games. I'm too busy to even follow the team and stay abreast of their record. I miss going out and seeing bands and movies and trying new restaurants. My scarce resources have hampered all of these.


I miss road trips to KC! I haven't been in nearly 3 years!! I used to go on day trips to other cities like Tulsa and tour museums and stuff, but it's been 5 years at least since I've done that.


Geez, I could go on, but life is all about trade-offs. Too many times through the years I put my education on hold for my job, for a man, for financial reason and even for fun. I just need to remember why I'm sacrificing and tough it out a bit longer.